Monthly Archives: June 2014

Jealous Jekyll

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Mistake 160- I had three people staying at my place for a weekend. We were all cyber friends from a website. Two girls and one guy that were visiting my city. The guy was dating a friend of friends and I did not know him well. But I felt I did not like him soon after he arrived. Or I was jealous because he seemed to be flirting with one of the girl who happened to be a lesbian. And I was interested in her.

I had a party Saturday night during their stay. It was a good, successful party. About twenty people in my small apartment drinking beer and wine. Close to midnight, someone suggested we go bar hop. We couldn’t play music loud that late because of the neighbours. So we all left to continue the party elsewhere across town.

Somewhere and sometime in that switch, it seemed my personality switched. The more drunk I got, the more I couldn’t shake the jealous feelings. This guy had a girlfriend but I still felt he was flirting with the object of my affection. She flirted with him, me, and everyone but I hated him for leading her on. I kept trying to tell myself it was because I felt bad for his girlfriend. But I really think I did not like having competition with a man for a woman’s attention.

I am not sure what happened, but I got mad and left. I left my three guests at the bar. I got in a taxi. They said they came out of the bar and saw me pulling away. They said I turned around, looked at them, and laughed. I do not recall that.

I must have went to another bar or club. They had a spare key so I assumed they would have no problem getting back. When I got home later, I was mad at first thinking they were still out. The couch and air mattress in the living room were empty. But when I went in my bedroom, I saw the three of them sleeping in my bed. This outraged me. I screamed at them to get out of my bed. I accused them of have a three- some in my bed (even though they were all completely dressed and still in jeans.) They started to say their excuses but I would not listen. I said I wanted them all out of my apartment. This was about 3am.

They grabbed their bags and left. The girls were crying. I was crying. I think the guy was yelling at me but I just yelled right back. I heard they all went to a train station until they could get the first trains home. I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a crazy monster.

He complained to a lot of people about my drunk rage. I defended myself that I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend and in my bed. I told everyone I felt sorry for his girlfriend and he was untrustworthy. I did not know the girlfriend but I had many mutual friends with her. They were all baffled by this story. They never knew me to act like that so he must have done something really wrong, but they also knew she was a really sweet girl and trusted her judgement about the guy.

I never talked to any of them directly again. They all deleted me from their friends list. The guy and his girlfriend are still together many years later. I see him commenting on things on Facebook and he has even responded to me about a few things and I ignore him. His responses are never malicious. But his comments trigger my shame from that night. The lesbian deleted her account from the website. The other woman from that night is still friends with many of my friends but completely avoids me. I heard someone once say she was terrified by me that night. My eyes did not look normal.

Oddly, the afternoon before the party, I was telling them that sometimes drinking makes me feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Unfortunately I proved my point.

Visiting Mr Smiles

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Mistake 159- A month after meeting Mr Smiles (from mistake # 154), I flew to visit him in London. The first night everything was good. He took me out to dinner with a bunch of his friends. A lot were visiting from his home country. It was a fun night. We went to a Mongolian BBQ and it was my first time at one of those type of restaurants.

The next night, I had plans to go to a party. He had other plans. No problem. But then he started getting phone calls. He would leave the room each time. I soon learned it was his ex girlfriend was calling. She somehow heard about me. And she was supposed to be going to the same party as me. She told him she did not want me going because she did not want to meet me. I told her I graduated high school a long time ago and was not playing these games. He asked me not to go so he would not have to listen to her complaints. I told him he does not rule me. I was invited to this party by a friend that really wanted to see me. I was going! I was getting upset by the drama so I went to my usual cure: get drunk!

I got tipsy before leaving his house. He gave me a key to the inner door but did not have a spare for the front, main door. He told me not to worry. They would leave that door unlocked. He should be home before me anyways.

I got to the party okay. I was good with figuring out the tube system back then from many visits to London. I remember being very drunk on the tube back to his place. After a few stations, the train stopped. They announced there was a slight delay. I did not feel like waiting. I got out and went above ground. I would just get a taxi.

I walked and walked. I kept trying to wave down a cab but none would stop. I did not realize that in London, you need to get a taxi at a taxi stand or calling to an address. (Or at least that was how I understood it?) My feet were hurting because I was wearing new high-heeled boots. I found a bus stop by two buses passed me. I guess they were full. After hour of walking, (or maybe not that long?), I finally came to another tube station. It was late but I managed to get the last train to his house. If my drunk ass was patient the first time I was on the train, this would not have happened.

When I finally got there, the front door was locked. I couldn’t get in. I tried to text and then call him. He wasn’t replying nor answering. I did not want to ring the bell and wake up his housemates. I was still drunk and an emotional mess by this point. I jumped the fence to his garden. I thought maybe the backdoor was unlocked. Nope, that was locked also. I tried to see if I could open a window. Nope. I sat outside crying. Then I heard someone come downstairs. I was too embarrassed for his housemates to see me like that so I hid. I heard the door open and one of them call out “anyone out there?” I kept quiet.

After he went back inside, I climbed back over the fence. I went and sat by the front door. I cried myself to sleep.

Mr Smiles was home shortly. He was very drunk. He apologized for the door being locked. We went inside and to bed.

The next day, he said his housemates heard something in the backyard the previous night. Was that me? I confessed my little Spider-Man stunt of climbing over the fence. “Why didn’t you ring the bell?”

“WHY WEREN’T YOU HOME!”

This lead to a fight. I accused him of being with the ex-girlfriend. He accused me of being crazy. Both might have been the truth. We never talked again.

Deadlines

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I have been stressed out the last few days about deadlines for my class.  A lot of papers and projects due for a class I thought was going to be an easy A. This is a lesson that nothing that is worth anything is easy.

I need to back-blog to the last few days. (Maybe by the time you read this, I already have completed them.) If you noticed, I try to mine my mistakes up with my days off sobriety. It helps me count. Maybe once my class is finished next week, I can write out more lengthy posts.

Mistake 158- I have a friend that is very hot. He has a great body. But I was not attracted to him beyond the physical thing. He is not very smart and we do not have much in common besides parties. Plus, I knew he was a player. Yet when he started to hit on me, I was flattered. Maybe because I had no respect for myself and no self esteem. We were at his place and he bluntly said “I want to have sex with you” or maybe in cruder words. I drank two bottles of wine to get the courage to do it. I had to get drunk on purpose. So we had sex that I barely remember. Another notch in his belt and a regret on mine.

New friends and new mistakes

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Mistake 156- I was new in town and was invited to a party from a friend of a friend. I thought this was a great way to meet new people and make new friends in my new city.

I remember driving there with the plans to leave my car and take a taxi home. I remember bringing a large bottle of Diet Coke and Barcardi. I shared with everyone but I think I drank most of that rum. I met a few people and friended a few. I saw some of the people again at other parties and tried to introduce myself again because I didn’t remember meeting them the first time. Some of the people seemed to avoid me when I met them again.

There was a couple who offered to give me a ride home that night to save me the taxi fare. I was bringing a guy home I met. But the back window to their car was smashed. They had a tablet or laptop or something like that stolen plus other things. This made me not want to leave my car. The guy I was taking home offered to drive me. But he didn’t know how to drive stick. So I drove. He said he had to keep grabbing the wheel cause I was swerving. He said it was the scariest ride of his life.

The Ex Area

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I have been feeling good today. Happy with myself. Happy to be sober. Thinking of all the ways my life has been better since I quit drinking.

Then I drove through the area my ex-husband is from. Where all his relatives live. My ex-in-laws. I was worried to stop for gas from fear of running into one of them. Last time I saw my ex-father-in-law was the day I signed my divorce papers. I ran into him at the post office. “What have you been up to?” he asked me that afternoon 12 years ago. “Divorcing your son” was my response. Not a very nice response.

I started to think about my ex-husband and our marriage. I know that there were a lot of reasons we did not work out, many other reasons besides my drinking problem. But if I did not drink so much, could we have solved those other problems? If I did not hate myself so much, would we have had a lot of those problems? Or if I had faith in myself and did not feel he was my last chance at love, would I have married him at all?

It brought a rush of guilty feelings. It made me wonder “what if’s”. It made me think again of all the relationships I ruined with my drinking. I really wish I realized I had a problem with alcohol when he and I split up. I do remember a phone call, or instant messenger conversation,  I had with his mom after we separated. I told her it was a shame he grew up with an alcoholic father and then married an alcoholic woman. So I did acknowledged it back then. I just was not willing to change it. Or maybe I thought I could fix it. Control it. Normalize it.

That “it” has almost destroyed my life. I am finally dealing with it. I know I can never drink again. I just hope I can put behind me all the harm it has caused.

Mistake 155- My husband and I went to a New Year’s Eve Party. It was at our old neighbor’s apartment but he moved to a new place. It was still walking distance. We got drunk and my husband wanted to leave. I refused to go. So he left and walked home. He later told me he got sick in bushes on the way home. That is better than me. I got sick in a bowl at the party. I was eating Doritos or some sort of chips. Then I just puked right into the bowl. Then I passed out in a couch. I left the next morning before anyone else woke up and walked home.

A year or so later, I ran into a guy at a bar that was at that party. He came up to me and my friends “didn’t you puke in a bowl at so-and-so’s New Year’s party?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about but it was too late. He started to laugh and I turned bright red. My friends looked horrified.

But then it was forgotten and filed away as another drunk story for which I was starting to be known.

Sunrise

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I got up in time for the sunrise but I was so tired. I stayed up late (even though I planned for sleep early) reading up about this area. Then the sunrise wasn’t too great due to clouds. So right after I saw the sun, I went back to bed a bit more. I needed rest for a long day. I was so happy that at least I wasn’t hungover. I was still able to wake up at 7:30 to get my day started. If I was hungover, I would sleep til just before checkout.

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Mistake #154- I made plans to visit a friend in England. A week before, she told me it wasn’t a good time. So at the last minute I changed my plans. Instead, I went to visit Pillsbury that I wrote about in yesterday’s mistake.

This was 8 months after we met and out roadtrip where I regretfully had sex with him. I did not talk with him much since then. But I wanted to visit his city and asked about staying on his couch. When he told me he was going to take off work to show me around, I should have realized he still had a crush on me.

The first night, we went out to dinner with a large group of people. Some were his friends and the rest were friends of friends. There were people from all over. After dinner, we all went to a bar. I was having a good time mingling and meeting new people. Pillsbury seemed to be keeping tabs on me. If I was out of his sight, he would search the bar for me. I went to the front bar for a drink and he ran out from the back room. “I didn’t know where you went.” I told him I was just getting a beer.

Then I met a guy. Mr Smiles. He was very cute. He was in town on business. We started to talk and instantly got a long. He bought me a few beers. I began to mingle with only him. Sat down next to him swapping stories. This was making Pillsbury jealous.

Finally Pillsbury told me we were leaving. His friend that was giving us a ride was leaving because she had work the next morning. I thought it was still too early to end the night. It was not even 11pm. I wanted to stay out. I said we could get a taxi. Pillsbury said we had to leave. Then Mr Smiles offered to keep me company if I stayed. He told Pillsbury he will make sure I got back safely. Pillsbury left in anger.

Everyone else from the dinner group left shortly after. Mr Smiles and I stayed. We met a couple that was local. We drank until the bar closed. I was very drunk by that time. I am not sure if we walked or got a taxi back to Pillsbury’s house.

I had a spare key. I tried to be quiet and sneak Mr Smiles inside. But Pillsbury was waiting up for me. He said he was worried. Then he saw I had a guest. I said something about Mr Smiles made sure I got home okay but since it was late, I offered him the second couch. Pillsbury was not too happy but let him stay.

I must have thought it would have been too rude (and it would have) to do anything on the couches. So I took Mr Smiles out to the backyard. We had sex up against the fence in the garden. Then slept on the couch. He woke up very early to get back to his hotel. He had a meeting that morning.

When I woke up, I realized I was missing a necklace. I went out to the garden to look. Did it fall off during sex? Pillsbury found me out there. “What are you looking for?” Um a necklace. “What would it be doing out here?” Um, I came out to look at the stars last night.

The rest of my stay, I kept thinking of Mr Smiles and annoyed by Pillsbury’s doting behaviour. I assumed he realized “looking at the stars” was a lie. He didn’t seemed bother by it or was ignorant of what really happened in the garden. He still acted interested in me. What was wrong with him? Did he have such low values that he would still want a slut like me? I had no respect for him for wanting me. And obviously had no respect for myself.

I drank a lot of beer my last night. In my tipsy state, I talked a lot about Mr Smiles. I was making plans to see him again. Pillsbury started to behave rude to me. He started to criticize Mr Smiles. I felt I finally succeeded in killing his crush on me. Later on, I found out Pillsbury told everyone from that dinner party, and people that knew Mr Smiles, about the garden romp. I guess my plan was successful and unsuccessful.

ATTENTION… animals and drunk drivers

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I am on a small trip right now up north. And as I drive, I keep seeing “moose crossing” signs. And not just crossing but signs with big letters “ATTENTION” written in red at top. Then it would say for “next 7” or 10 miles. As soon as I see the signs, I expect a moose to be right behind it. Sort of waving to me. Like the moose from Wally World in National Lampoons Vacation. I slow down and get scared one will jump out. I deathgrip the steering wheel ready to quick turn in case one appears. I have my foot ready to jerk the brake. I keep scanning both sides of the roads while still staring straight ahead to keep my car straight as possible.

It reminded me of drunk driving.

Every shadow or boulder I saw on the sides I thought was a moose. As if it was a cop waiting to catch me. I was scared of swerving and scared one wrong move would be fatal. I wouldn’t even change the radio stations from fear of my eye being off the road one second. Those ATTENTION  signs might as well said “SOBRIETY CHECKPOINT”.

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I also saw a sign about how strict this state is with drunk drivers. How could anyone even think of driving drunk with moose jumping out all the time! Do they train the moose to jump out in front of drunk drivers more? Maybe have the bars offer customers moose rides home if they are too intoxicated to drive.

Wow I really am thinking of mooses like the one from Wally World.
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I arrived at my hotel late. The kitchen was closing. The receptionist gave me directions to downtown and said I can find a place for a late dinner there. I parked downtown and searched Yelp for reviews. Every place that I walked to was closing their kitchen as I arrived. I was welcomed to come in for a drink. Most of the late night places were crowded, loud bars. I finally food the only late night restaurant/bar with a patio. A patio meant I wasn’t trapped inside with the beer stench.

I am going back to the hotel right after I eat to get to bed early. I have a waterfront view. I hope to get up for sunrise. One of the benefits of not worrying about hangovers in the morning.

Mistake 153- I met a guy briefly in my city that was traveling the US. He was from Europe. A week later, he invited me to fly up to meet him in another city and he would drive me home in his rental car. It would be a quick roadtrip and I would get to visit places I have never seen. We would stop in one tourist town for a night and since I bought the flight, he would pay for a hotel room for us to share. I thought it sounded fun.

As soon as I arrived, I could sense he liked me. But I was not attracted to him. We did not have much in common. He was a baker and for some reason that made me think of the Pillsbury Doughboy when I looked at him. I was nice to him but I was not good with being firm. I might have gave him mixed signals. I also think that due to my low self-esteem, I savored any guy finding me attractive. So maybe I flirted a little.

We had a good day in the town. We went out for dinner on the waterfront. We had a bottle of wine with dinner. Then we went to a bar to play pool. We drank a lot and I kept ordering shots. Red-headed sluts.  It was one of my favorite shots even though I did not like Jaeger.  I knew he was flirting and coming on to me. I don’t know why I wasn’t honest or why I lead him on. I should have not drank that much but I kept the shots coming.

We got drunk and had sex. I do not remember anything about the sex. I just remember waking up the next day loathing myself. It was like I knew a car wreck was going to happen and I did nothing to stop it. He was in a very chipper mood. I felt disgusting. And I took out my revulsion on him. I was quite a bitch to him to whole 5 hour drive back to my city.

That was not the last time I saw him nor the last mistake involving him. But it was the only time we ever had sex.

Summer Solstice

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Happy Summer Solstice everyone! Or I guess it is over in most of the world by now. I enjoyed it at a backyard party. They had Mexican theme. I met a lot of people and caught up with two old friends. And once again, I stayed sober.

They had a lot of specialty drinks. Bloody Marys made with tequila so they called them Bloody Marias instead. Mimosas with orange juice or lemonade.  Lots and lots of beer. This bin was full and this is what is left:

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If I was drinking, it would be empty. I am spending the night at the house. So I would have used that as an excuse to drink more. But I am not sure what “more” would have been compared to my normal drinking. A 6 pack a night? I brought 3 large jugs of ice tea. I mixed some with lemonade.

I don’t think anyone got trashed. Is this what parties normally looked like but I never noticed because I was usually too drunk? There was only one girl that seemed tipsy and she is also spending the night. Maybe everyone did not drink much because they were driving and were being responsible. That was a foreign custom to me.

I met people without liquid lubrication. I joked around with people. I enjoyed conversations. While there were a few moments of uncomfortable silence, it seemed to be a mutual feeling. It was much better than making an intoxicated fool of myself.

There was no real moment where I desired alcohol. My only problem was being conscious if I started to mention my sobriety too much.  I didn’t want to be a buzzkill. If I started to bitch about how drinking was such a problem for me,  I would try to change the subject. This was a party.  Not rehab. Not AA. My two friends don’t mind talking with me about it but this was not the environment for that. 

My first summer party sober. Yea!

Mistake 152- My last trip to Goa, I sat on the beach all day drinking alone. I got drunk. In the late afternoon, I started to walk back to my guesthouse. I got lost.  I tried to ask for directions. People in India tend to give answers even if they do not know the correct explanation. I heard they think it is rude to not know so they make up responses. So this guy gave me the wrong directions.

It was hot. Over 90 F degrees. I was drunk and lost. I was getting irritated.  I texted a local friend to ask for help. He responded that he did not know what I expected him to do. He did not know where I was. I tried to describe where I was and wanted him to come pick me up. It was not as if I sent him my GPS coordinates. He told me I was being ridiculous.

I started to text him very rude responses. Called him “useless”. I then started to accuse him of trying to use me.  I was very mean in every text. He finally told me to grow up.  Then the messages turned depressing. I started to say he doesn’t know what it is like to fantasize about dying. He called me a drama queen. I told him no,  I was a “suicidal alcoholic”. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.

I don’t remember all the texts messages but I know that they went along those lines. As I was walking and texting on a road in India, I was crying.  A taxi motorbike stopped and I got a ride back to my guesthouse.  (Thankfully it wasn’t some stranger on a bike taking advantage of drunk foreigner.) I deleted all my friend’s messages that night. He last text me the next day saying he hopes I get some help. I responded “fuck off.” I deleted all emails and contact I had with him. 

I don’t know why I reacted like that.  Was I crying for help?  This was a little over a year ago.  Was I realizing my drinking was destroying me? Was I just being a drunk drama queen? Was I scared of being lost in Goa and lost in life?

Summer solstice is a time of rebirth. I feel I am leaving so much confusion and destitution behind in my past. I am being reborn into a sober me.

Excuses, Excuses

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I was at a friend’s house yesterday and noticed a newspaper article hanging on the refrigerator. I never noticed it before and I stopped because the photo looked familiar. It was my friend’s roommate. And the article was about her car getting stuck on train tracks and she getting a DUI. A lovely story to put on the fridge!

Her car got stuck on train tracks because she turned on them by mistake thinking they were the road. A cop noticed her standing outside of the car. She appeared drunk. The cop said she was falling over. A train was coming and he was able to get her away. The train hit her car. It totaled her car. She refused the breathalyzer.

I asked my friend about it. He said she wasn’t that drunk. She only had a few drinks and she can handle her alcohol. She was falling cause she was wearing heels. The newspaper made it seem worse than it was. That road it really dark so it is understandable why she turned on the tracks by mistake.

I couldn’t help but think he was just making up excuses. She probably told him these same excuses. When I first met her, she was falling over drunk. And she was barefoot that night.

What if she did not get out of the car? Why did she get out of the car? Thank god no one else was in the car. Thank god no one on the train got hurt. There are so many variables that could have made this a different situation. But excuses seem to push all the other possibilities out-of-the-way. She went to court and received a restricted driver’s license for a few months.

In my fear that blogging about this might “out” more information about me by connecting her story to me, I tried to google it. I could not find her story nor her photo. But sadly, I found that this happens a lot. I found a lot of stories of people getting their car stuck on train tracks while drunk. I found one woman parked her car on the tracks because she knew she was too drunk to drive on a Navy base. I found other stories about trains hitting cars. One girl was so drunk she didn’t even think to leave her car until two guys made her get out.

I think back to all the excuses I used to make. But there is no excuse for all the lives lost from drunk drivers.

Mistake 151- I was in Goa, India. I rented a scooter bike for the week. I went to a party in another part of the state about 45 minutes from where I was staying. I met a couple that got a ride there. We partied all day and night on the beach. I remember I stopped drinking about an hour before leaving the party. But that was still not enough time to sober up. I offered a ride to the girl. Her boyfriend got a ride back with one of my friends. I remember I got lost a little. I concentrated so hard on keeping the bike straight on the road.

We finally got back to the meeting point where my friend and her boyfriend were waiting. Her boyfriend was so happy. Later on, my friend told me the boyfriend was so worried. He kept saying he shouldn’t have let me drive her. If we were in an accident, he would have felt so responsible. He knew I was drinking a lot at the party. I not only put my life at risk, but her life also. And that would affected him too. It would have been a horrible chain reaction. Not to mention if I caused an accident that involved another vehicle and more people.

Alcoholics only think of themselves and live in excuses.