Jealous Jekyll

Mistake 160- I had three people staying at my place for a weekend. We were all cyber friends from a website. Two girls and one guy that were visiting my city. The guy was dating a friend of friends and I did not know him well. But I felt I did not like him soon after he arrived. Or I was jealous because he seemed to be flirting with one of the girl who happened to be a lesbian. And I was interested in her.

I had a party Saturday night during their stay. It was a good, successful party. About twenty people in my small apartment drinking beer and wine. Close to midnight, someone suggested we go bar hop. We couldn’t play music loud that late because of the neighbours. So we all left to continue the party elsewhere across town.

Somewhere and sometime in that switch, it seemed my personality switched. The more drunk I got, the more I couldn’t shake the jealous feelings. This guy had a girlfriend but I still felt he was flirting with the object of my affection. She flirted with him, me, and everyone but I hated him for leading her on. I kept trying to tell myself it was because I felt bad for his girlfriend. But I really think I did not like having competition with a man for a woman’s attention.

I am not sure what happened, but I got mad and left. I left my three guests at the bar. I got in a taxi. They said they came out of the bar and saw me pulling away. They said I turned around, looked at them, and laughed. I do not recall that.

I must have went to another bar or club. They had a spare key so I assumed they would have no problem getting back. When I got home later, I was mad at first thinking they were still out. The couch and air mattress in the living room were empty. But when I went in my bedroom, I saw the three of them sleeping in my bed. This outraged me. I screamed at them to get out of my bed. I accused them of have a three- some in my bed (even though they were all completely dressed and still in jeans.) They started to say their excuses but I would not listen. I said I wanted them all out of my apartment. This was about 3am.

They grabbed their bags and left. The girls were crying. I was crying. I think the guy was yelling at me but I just yelled right back. I heard they all went to a train station until they could get the first trains home. I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a crazy monster.

He complained to a lot of people about my drunk rage. I defended myself that I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend and in my bed. I told everyone I felt sorry for his girlfriend and he was untrustworthy. I did not know the girlfriend but I had many mutual friends with her. They were all baffled by this story. They never knew me to act like that so he must have done something really wrong, but they also knew she was a really sweet girl and trusted her judgement about the guy.

I never talked to any of them directly again. They all deleted me from their friends list. The guy and his girlfriend are still together many years later. I see him commenting on things on Facebook and he has even responded to me about a few things and I ignore him. His responses are never malicious. But his comments trigger my shame from that night. The lesbian deleted her account from the website. The other woman from that night is still friends with many of my friends but completely avoids me. I heard someone once say she was terrified by me that night. My eyes did not look normal.

Oddly, the afternoon before the party, I was telling them that sometimes drinking makes me feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Unfortunately I proved my point.

Visiting Mr Smiles

Mistake 159- A month after meeting Mr Smiles (from mistake # 154), I flew to visit him in London. The first night everything was good. He took me out to dinner with a bunch of his friends. A lot were visiting from his home country. It was a fun night. We went to a Mongolian BBQ and it was my first time at one of those type of restaurants.

The next night, I had plans to go to a party. He had other plans. No problem. But then he started getting phone calls. He would leave the room each time. I soon learned it was his ex girlfriend was calling. She somehow heard about me. And she was supposed to be going to the same party as me. She told him she did not want me going because she did not want to meet me. I told her I graduated high school a long time ago and was not playing these games. He asked me not to go so he would not have to listen to her complaints. I told him he does not rule me. I was invited to this party by a friend that really wanted to see me. I was going! I was getting upset by the drama so I went to my usual cure: get drunk!

I got tipsy before leaving his house. He gave me a key to the inner door but did not have a spare for the front, main door. He told me not to worry. They would leave that door unlocked. He should be home before me anyways.

I got to the party okay. I was good with figuring out the tube system back then from many visits to London. I remember being very drunk on the tube back to his place. After a few stations, the train stopped. They announced there was a slight delay. I did not feel like waiting. I got out and went above ground. I would just get a taxi.

I walked and walked. I kept trying to wave down a cab but none would stop. I did not realize that in London, you need to get a taxi at a taxi stand or calling to an address. (Or at least that was how I understood it?) My feet were hurting because I was wearing new high-heeled boots. I found a bus stop by two buses passed me. I guess they were full. After hour of walking, (or maybe not that long?), I finally came to another tube station. It was late but I managed to get the last train to his house. If my drunk ass was patient the first time I was on the train, this would not have happened.

When I finally got there, the front door was locked. I couldn’t get in. I tried to text and then call him. He wasn’t replying nor answering. I did not want to ring the bell and wake up his housemates. I was still drunk and an emotional mess by this point. I jumped the fence to his garden. I thought maybe the backdoor was unlocked. Nope, that was locked also. I tried to see if I could open a window. Nope. I sat outside crying. Then I heard someone come downstairs. I was too embarrassed for his housemates to see me like that so I hid. I heard the door open and one of them call out “anyone out there?” I kept quiet.

After he went back inside, I climbed back over the fence. I went and sat by the front door. I cried myself to sleep.

Mr Smiles was home shortly. He was very drunk. He apologized for the door being locked. We went inside and to bed.

The next day, he said his housemates heard something in the backyard the previous night. Was that me? I confessed my little Spider-Man stunt of climbing over the fence. “Why didn’t you ring the bell?”

“WHY WEREN’T YOU HOME!”

This lead to a fight. I accused him of being with the ex-girlfriend. He accused me of being crazy. Both might have been the truth. We never talked again.

Deadlines

I have been stressed out the last few days about deadlines for my class.  A lot of papers and projects due for a class I thought was going to be an easy A. This is a lesson that nothing that is worth anything is easy.

I need to back-blog to the last few days. (Maybe by the time you read this, I already have completed them.) If you noticed, I try to mine my mistakes up with my days off sobriety. It helps me count. Maybe once my class is finished next week, I can write out more lengthy posts.

Mistake 158- I have a friend that is very hot. He has a great body. But I was not attracted to him beyond the physical thing. He is not very smart and we do not have much in common besides parties. Plus, I knew he was a player. Yet when he started to hit on me, I was flattered. Maybe because I had no respect for myself and no self esteem. We were at his place and he bluntly said “I want to have sex with you” or maybe in cruder words. I drank two bottles of wine to get the courage to do it. I had to get drunk on purpose. So we had sex that I barely remember. Another notch in his belt and a regret on mine.

New friends and new mistakes

Mistake 156- I was new in town and was invited to a party from a friend of a friend. I thought this was a great way to meet new people and make new friends in my new city.

I remember driving there with the plans to leave my car and take a taxi home. I remember bringing a large bottle of Diet Coke and Barcardi. I shared with everyone but I think I drank most of that rum. I met a few people and friended a few. I saw some of the people again at other parties and tried to introduce myself again because I didn’t remember meeting them the first time. Some of the people seemed to avoid me when I met them again.

There was a couple who offered to give me a ride home that night to save me the taxi fare. I was bringing a guy home I met. But the back window to their car was smashed. They had a tablet or laptop or something like that stolen plus other things. This made me not want to leave my car. The guy I was taking home offered to drive me. But he didn’t know how to drive stick. So I drove. He said he had to keep grabbing the wheel cause I was swerving. He said it was the scariest ride of his life.

The Ex Area

I have been feeling good today. Happy with myself. Happy to be sober. Thinking of all the ways my life has been better since I quit drinking.

Then I drove through the area my ex-husband is from. Where all his relatives live. My ex-in-laws. I was worried to stop for gas from fear of running into one of them. Last time I saw my ex-father-in-law was the day I signed my divorce papers. I ran into him at the post office. “What have you been up to?” he asked me that afternoon 12 years ago. “Divorcing your son” was my response. Not a very nice response.

I started to think about my ex-husband and our marriage. I know that there were a lot of reasons we did not work out, many other reasons besides my drinking problem. But if I did not drink so much, could we have solved those other problems? If I did not hate myself so much, would we have had a lot of those problems? Or if I had faith in myself and did not feel he was my last chance at love, would I have married him at all?

It brought a rush of guilty feelings. It made me wonder “what if’s”. It made me think again of all the relationships I ruined with my drinking. I really wish I realized I had a problem with alcohol when he and I split up. I do remember a phone call, or instant messenger conversation,  I had with his mom after we separated. I told her it was a shame he grew up with an alcoholic father and then married an alcoholic woman. So I did acknowledged it back then. I just was not willing to change it. Or maybe I thought I could fix it. Control it. Normalize it.

That “it” has almost destroyed my life. I am finally dealing with it. I know I can never drink again. I just hope I can put behind me all the harm it has caused.

Mistake 155- My husband and I went to a New Year’s Eve Party. It was at our old neighbor’s apartment but he moved to a new place. It was still walking distance. We got drunk and my husband wanted to leave. I refused to go. So he left and walked home. He later told me he got sick in bushes on the way home. That is better than me. I got sick in a bowl at the party. I was eating Doritos or some sort of chips. Then I just puked right into the bowl. Then I passed out in a couch. I left the next morning before anyone else woke up and walked home.

A year or so later, I ran into a guy at a bar that was at that party. He came up to me and my friends “didn’t you puke in a bowl at so-and-so’s New Year’s party?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about but it was too late. He started to laugh and I turned bright red. My friends looked horrified.

But then it was forgotten and filed away as another drunk story for which I was starting to be known.

Sunrise

I got up in time for the sunrise but I was so tired. I stayed up late (even though I planned for sleep early) reading up about this area. Then the sunrise wasn’t too great due to clouds. So right after I saw the sun, I went back to bed a bit more. I needed rest for a long day. I was so happy that at least I wasn’t hungover. I was still able to wake up at 7:30 to get my day started. If I was hungover, I would sleep til just before checkout.

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Mistake #154- I made plans to visit a friend in England. A week before, she told me it wasn’t a good time. So at the last minute I changed my plans. Instead, I went to visit Pillsbury that I wrote about in yesterday’s mistake.

This was 8 months after we met and out roadtrip where I regretfully had sex with him. I did not talk with him much since then. But I wanted to visit his city and asked about staying on his couch. When he told me he was going to take off work to show me around, I should have realized he still had a crush on me.

The first night, we went out to dinner with a large group of people. Some were his friends and the rest were friends of friends. There were people from all over. After dinner, we all went to a bar. I was having a good time mingling and meeting new people. Pillsbury seemed to be keeping tabs on me. If I was out of his sight, he would search the bar for me. I went to the front bar for a drink and he ran out from the back room. “I didn’t know where you went.” I told him I was just getting a beer.

Then I met a guy. Mr Smiles. He was very cute. He was in town on business. We started to talk and instantly got a long. He bought me a few beers. I began to mingle with only him. Sat down next to him swapping stories. This was making Pillsbury jealous.

Finally Pillsbury told me we were leaving. His friend that was giving us a ride was leaving because she had work the next morning. I thought it was still too early to end the night. It was not even 11pm. I wanted to stay out. I said we could get a taxi. Pillsbury said we had to leave. Then Mr Smiles offered to keep me company if I stayed. He told Pillsbury he will make sure I got back safely. Pillsbury left in anger.

Everyone else from the dinner group left shortly after. Mr Smiles and I stayed. We met a couple that was local. We drank until the bar closed. I was very drunk by that time. I am not sure if we walked or got a taxi back to Pillsbury’s house.

I had a spare key. I tried to be quiet and sneak Mr Smiles inside. But Pillsbury was waiting up for me. He said he was worried. Then he saw I had a guest. I said something about Mr Smiles made sure I got home okay but since it was late, I offered him the second couch. Pillsbury was not too happy but let him stay.

I must have thought it would have been too rude (and it would have) to do anything on the couches. So I took Mr Smiles out to the backyard. We had sex up against the fence in the garden. Then slept on the couch. He woke up very early to get back to his hotel. He had a meeting that morning.

When I woke up, I realized I was missing a necklace. I went out to the garden to look. Did it fall off during sex? Pillsbury found me out there. “What are you looking for?” Um a necklace. “What would it be doing out here?” Um, I came out to look at the stars last night.

The rest of my stay, I kept thinking of Mr Smiles and annoyed by Pillsbury’s doting behaviour. I assumed he realized “looking at the stars” was a lie. He didn’t seemed bother by it or was ignorant of what really happened in the garden. He still acted interested in me. What was wrong with him? Did he have such low values that he would still want a slut like me? I had no respect for him for wanting me. And obviously had no respect for myself.

I drank a lot of beer my last night. In my tipsy state, I talked a lot about Mr Smiles. I was making plans to see him again. Pillsbury started to behave rude to me. He started to criticize Mr Smiles. I felt I finally succeeded in killing his crush on me. Later on, I found out Pillsbury told everyone from that dinner party, and people that knew Mr Smiles, about the garden romp. I guess my plan was successful and unsuccessful.