Mistake 157- After drunk driving home the guy from the party I mentioned yesterday, we had sex. I don’t remember it. I woke up with him in my bed. He then told me about the nightmare drive. I felt more shame from having sex with him than the driving.
I tried to Google my blog. I typed “365reasons” and the first 4 things that popped are were “365 reasons i love you”, “365 reasons i love my boyfriend”, “365 reasons i love her”, and “365 reasons to drink.”
Love, love, love and alcohol. It is what is on everyone wants.
I went and clicked on the 4th option. I found it depressing. The top story was 365 Excuses to Get Drunk. As if people need an excuse? It was depressing that there is a whole magazine and website dedicated to, not just drinking, but “standing up for your right to get falling down drunk since 1996.” I actually might have read the magazine? I think I found a copy of it in a bar and that was where I discovered the term alcoheimers. Man, I was not just an alcoholic. I was a DEDICATED alcoholic. I am surprised I did not get a subscription to the magazine. I guess the closest I ever came to a drunk subscription was a wine club. They sent me cases every few months. The magazine would have been cheaper.
A bit further down, I found a link to an app on a Smartphone for drinking: 365 Reasons to Drink. I wonder if I can get someone to create an app after I complete my year of daily blogs. But my app would be a personal one with my mistakes. Everyday it will beep with my sobriety count and instead of some daily reflection, it will say “remember the time you passed out on the street in Brooklyn” or another drunk mistake.
Crazy that when I went back and added “not” to the front of the word “drink” in the Google search, my blog came up. I guess that is a good thing!
I am not beating myself up over my past and my drunk mistakes. I am realizing how far I have come. I watched Rum Diary tonight. And even though Johnny Depp’s character is an alcoholic and there is a lot of my old favorite liquor in the movie, I did not desire any rum. Instead I thought about booking a flight to Puerto Rico where the movie takes place. I even started to look up volunteer opportunities there. (Let me know of any volunteer jobs or companies you would recommend.)
A friend that I had dinner with a couple weeks ago emailed me and said he plans to quit drinking. He has a sobriety date set up for his birthday in a few weeks from now. He said he plans to pick up as much overtime at work to avoid the temptation. He said that helped when he quit smoking. He wants more tips from me. I need to plan a night next week to have dinner with him again.
(I have been very bad with reading other sober blogs lately. I am not being selfish. It has been time consuming to write my daily blog on top of work, school work, and my travels. But I was just reading through some and found this post about Sober and Awkward. Her rock bottom was a car wreck. She hit another car head on. She just got sentenced to 6 months in jail. I cried. I cried for her and for thinking “that could have been me!” I now feel selfish.)
Mistake 142- Many years ago, when I was still new to drinking but already blacking out and making mistakes, I went to a party at my friend’s house. Her housemates were away for the weekend. I remember she regretted the party because of lot of stuff got ruined. Drunk guys threw furniture into the pool and over into a canyon. People were having sex in her roommates bed that was off limits.
I had sex in the bathroom. I barely remember someone trying to open the door on us. I remember she was so mad at me. Our friends were mad at me also. I can’t remember now, but I think either the guy had a girlfriend or one of my friends liked him.
I helped her clean up the next day. I kept apologizing. 20 years later, she laughs it off as “we were dumb and in college!” When college kids do crazy things like that, it is seen as normal.
I started my online classes. I regret already taking two. It is a lot of reading, online discussions, and writing papers. I have never done an online course before so this is a bit scary. Maybe I should have started with one. Like starting sobriety. Don’t rush into it all at once.
But I also feel this is a nice introduction to going back to school in the fall 2015. It was just a dumb idea to schedule a camping trip the first week of classes. It is only a 6 week semester so it is a lot of work (and double that for two classes) crammed into a month. I hope to keep up with my blog during this time.
At least I know I will stay sober. No time to drink nor think of drinking! I will be drunk on art history and religious studies until July!
Mistake 131- I was at a frat party. I had a crush on a guy there. I think he knew it. He was an asshole but I liked his pretty, blue eyes. And I was 19 and naive. My lack of self-esteem made the recipe worse.
I got drunk on cheap beers and Zima. I remember looking at him, smiling, and he said “nice shoes. Want to fuck?”
I giggled. I thought that was so funny. “Sure.”
We went out to his Ford Explorer. It was the one that used to get me excited when I saw it parked outside of the frat house. We had sex in the back of it. Afterwards, as we walked back to the house, he laughed. He said a homeless guy stood outside the window the whole time watching.
He ignored me the rest of the party.
I saw a thread floating around on Facebook about traveling backpackers. I laughed. A lot of that pertains to me. I miss traveling.
But the bits about drinking got me wondering if traveling sober well be difficult for me. It is easy to tell myself “you will save so much money without drinking” but bars do tend to be a natural habitat for backpackers. I used to pick out places to eat in the backpacker areas based on the drink specials. I avoided hostels that did not allow alcohol consumption. If a hostel sold beers, I sometimes had the highest tab by the end of the night. I spent one Christmas Eve getting drunk at an elephant camp in Thailand with other travelers and the guide was shocked that I drank more beers than anyone. Even the German guys. Beer really was cheapest beverage in some countries. That was my excuse when I kept getting drunk in Czech Republic.
I need to remind myself of the times I put my life at risk by getting drunk in other countries. The times I got lost or went home with strangers. The times I lost my wallet or passport. The time I almost got arrested in Mexico or ran nude in Muslim countries. I never drove drunk in other countries because I rarely drove in other countries. (Though once I drove from Tijuana to San Diego after a lot of tequila shots for lunch. I was so worried the border patrol guard would smell my breath but he was more concerned I wasn’t smuggling people.)
I have a trip planned in August to Portugal. I am a little nervous. It is my birthday gift to myself. I am already planning to spend the day at art museums and then a nice dinner. As of now, I will be spending it alone. I keep skipping the parts of my guide book that mention clubs and bars. In the past, I would go to bars alone in strange cities. I would sit and observe. And drink. I am hoping I will be able to stay strong and sober while traveling.
Mistake 119- I was staying at a hostel in Melbourne, Australia. I bought a bottle of abstinthe that day. I was so excited because it was still illegal in the United States. I remember I did not know how to drink it properly. I was mixing it with juice and some Gatorade type of drink. I got trashed on it by myself. I met a cute Swedish guy somewhere in the hostel. Either in the kitchen or common area. For some reason, I think it might have been by the soda machine. I don’t remember much except we ended up having sex in his dorm room. We were on the top bunk. He had 3 upset roommates. I told some friends about it the next day and everyone said “that is dorm life!” I spent the rest of my stay wondering if any guys giving me strange looks were his dormmates. Never talked to the guy again.
Happy Mother’s day too all moms living in countries where it is celebrated today. I spent last Monday with my mom to celebrate because I am working this weekend. I also think of this day as a day I am thankful I am not a mom.
Mistake 110- I was staying at my sister’s house for a few months. My mom spent weeknights there. I went out one night to meet up with a friend that was visiting the city. We met at a pub. He had a friend traveling with him. We all got drunk. I ended up bringing his friend back to the house. I do not remember much but we had sex in the kitchen. The room my mom stayed in was right above the kitchen. I remember my mom yelling my name down the steps from upstairs. He and I stopped, or maybe we were already done, and I yelled up it was me and just having some drinks with a friend. She went back to bed. I have no idea if she knew what was going on. He and I slept on the couch so she knew it was a male friend when she left for work in the morning.
This sounds like some teenage or college antic. I was 32 or 33 years old. It always seemed more shameful thinking my mom might have known about my drunken defects.
I had a friend that made a post on Facebook about the 10 year anniversary of his company. I would not have even noticed it if he did not tag me in it. I turned off following his profile because of his narcissism. I was also very annoyed with the last time we met up.
I had to visit his city last autumn. I was on a “drinking break” but not attempting sobriety yet. I asked if I could stay with him. He told me his roommate might be having someone stay on the couch but I am welcomed to share his bed. I saw no problem with that arrangement. We have known each other a long time and used to have casual sex back in the day. But that was ten years ago. I did not want to have sex with him on this visit or ever again. In fact, I never planned to have sex with him back in the day. It was always drunk sex. I used to always describe him as pompous but a fun drinking buddy. Unfortunately, meeting at the pub usually lead to waking up with him in my bed. I always regretted it but kept drinking with him.
During this last visit, we meet up at a bar. He was slightly drunk. He introduced me to some other drunk friends. I managed to drink my diet Cokes and felt proud I was not drinking beers with them. I told everyone I was not drinking for 2 months to prove to myself I could do it. (These past 106 sober days would have seemed impossible at that time.) But I was tired so we eventually said farewell to his bar buddies (that he just met) and I followed him to his place in my rental car. He insisted he was okay to drive and he got home fine. We walked into his apartment and his roommate was sitting on the couch. She was alone. She did not have someone staying on the couch like he said. That should have been a warning flag. After brief introduction, I went to the bedroom and to the bed that I was to share to sleep.
I did not sleep well that night. He spent the whole night touching me. He kept his hand on my butt or trying to wrap his arms around me.THANK GOD I was sober. I dozed a little but was unable to completely sleep because I was not sure where his hands would go next. I should have said something but I was tired. I should have got up and left but I did not have money for a hotel. I did not want to upset him but I was mad. Did he make up that story about his roommate’s friend on the couch to get me into his bed?
I woke up the morning and left for my meeting. I got to the meeting early so I could nap in the car in the parking lot. After my meeting, I texted my ex-boyfriend to see if I could stay with him that night. I should have stayed with him in the first place but I was worried that would be too hard. I still had feelings for him. I thought it would be easier to stay with the friend with the roaming hands. But I did not want to fight Mr Octopus again. The Ex welcomed me into his place and I gave some excuse to Pompous Octopus. I have not seen him since.
In this tag on Facebook, he commented that summer he started his company, he refers to as the “Summer of Sin”. He credited me and another friend as the reasons. I felt nauseous. I do not want to be memorialized by him for intoxicated intercourse. I do not want to be memorialized for sex I can not remember. Did we really have that much drunk sex for him to think about me when thinking of a whole summer? It makes me sick and sad. I want to be known for my accomplishments and personality. Not my blackouts and debauchery.
I met up with Pompous Octopus in 2008 in another city. It was Christmas weekend. I had some friends staying with me and we took two cars to a bar near him. It was a thirty minute drive. We all had fun. I did not drink much because I was driving. (It was still close enough after my 2nd DUI for me to be a responsible driver.) I invited Pompous to come to Christmas dinner with us the next night at a friend’s house. I explained there would be people from all over the world at the dinner. He accepted the invitation and asked about coming back to my place with us that night. Since my living was full of my friends, I told him he could share my bed. Then he had roaming hands that night. I was mad because I spent the whole evening talking about my new boyfriend. He knew I was dating someone but still thought he had a chance with me. The next morning, he asked if I could give him a ride to his place, an hour away, so he could change his clothes. Once we got there, he changed his mind and said he was going to skip dinner and stay home. Again, I was mad. He never wanted to join us for dinner. He just wanted to get in my bed. He never offered me gas money either.
Thinking back on all of this, I wonder why I stay friends with him. Why do I stay friends with a lot of people?
Mistake # 106- All and any times I had drunk sex with him. I was not attracted to him when sober. We became friends because we both like to get drunk and lived near each other. I do not blame him for the drunk sex. I just do not know why I kept hanging out with a guy when I kept repeating the same regrets.
The other day I wrote about how it sucks to be sober and single. It is hard to meet anyone even though I know that I should not be focusing my energy on meeting someone. I need to be vigilant about my sobriety and do not need a boy (or girl) messing that up. But I have been lonely the past three months. And honestly, it is more about being horny than wanting companionship.
Makes me realize there have been times where I wanted to be with someone and I drank to get the courage to make a move. Or if they shot me down, “I was drunk” was my excuse for being so foolish. Not all of my one-night stands were drunken mistakes. With my low self-image, I felt like I accomplished something if a drunk person I wanted slept with me. I have had some boyfriends complain that I had to get drunk to have sex. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian.
I have an ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for a year and half, and I got him drunk the first night we had sex. We started the night sharing a bottle of wine, which was actually the two of us chugging it while waiting in line for a concert. Once inside, I kept buying two beers in the beer line with the excuse it was to save time. He did not have much money because he was traveling. I encouraged him to drink some of my two cups. I do not remember when our first kiss was and the first sex that night was lousy. I thought it was going to be one night but then we started traveling together and it turned into a relationship. But I always questions his TRUE feelings for me and said “if I did not get you drunk that first night, we would never be together!” It is not a good way to start a loving, commitment.
To solve my “dating” sober problem, I asked a friend for help. Isn’t part of recovery reaching out and asking for help?
I texted him: “Trying to figure out how to ask this and if you say no, no problem. But I am finding trying to date sober sucks. Would it ever be okay to come visit for a booty call?”
I did not realize he did not have my phone number saved in his phone. Thankfully he guessed who it was. I responded that it is a good thing he doesn’t have many sober friends. He did not think I was serious. When I assured him I was, he said I can visit whenever for what any reason.
But his best response was “you’re not giving up on sobriety, are you?” That made me so happy. It made me think he is more concerned for my sobriety than getting laid. That is a good friend. A good friend with benefits! He can be my temporary playtoy. My sex sponsor.
I am just really nervous how this is going to work sober. I have had “fuck buddies” in the past but alcohol was always involved. Sober sex? I guess I need to learn to get used to a lot of activities in a sober state. Sober dancing. Sober concerts. Sober knitting.
Just kidding. I do not know how to knit. But maybe I can learn.
Mistake # 104- I lost my purse with my wallet and a nice jacket from London, but not my phone. I was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. I do not remember if the night started out with friends but I know I was in the bar alone when kicked out. Since I had no wallet, I could not pay for a taxi. I drunk texted a few friends asking for a ride. One guy offered to come pick me up to take me home. Then another friend offered me a ride. I replied “it’s okay, a fuck friend is picking me up.” But I accidentally sent the text to the friend that was picking me up. He wrote back “I hope that is not how you think of me.”
I waited for him, sitting on the sidewalk, with my back leaning against the wall. I jumped up when his car pulled up and ran to his car. I apologized for the drunk text and thanked him for picking me up. Then I drunkenly explained we were two friends that had casual sex so we sort of were “fuck friends.” Our friendship fizzled out after that night.
No more drunk texts is one of my favorite sober benefits.
Today I am 100 days sober.
I still feel I am treading the waters here. It does not feel like I am taking the plunge into sobriety yet. It seems like a test run. A competition. A challenge. Did I win yet?
I feel I have gotten this far with a sober soup. It is a mixture of different things. Belle’s 100 Day challenge was the broth. I added to that daily blogging, reading other sober blogs, reading my journals, reading memoirs such as Carolyn Knapp’s Drinking: A Love Story and Kristen Johnston’s Guts, and reading articles about alcoholism. The support from real life friends and the cyber sober community was like spices added to this soup. It made it work. This mixture kept me from drinking alcohol the past 100 days. (AA meetings were the salt and pepper. I only needed a little bit.)
I feel I have this sober genie sitting inside of me. He sometimes is in my chest. Sometimes my stomach. When I think about having a drink, he punches me. He grabs my esophagus and says “Go ahead but I am gonna make you puke it up and regret it!” He holds a knife to my liver and threatens to rip it apart. He runs into my brain with a napkin soaked in chloroform. I know both booze and that will poison my memory. When I choose not to drink, he flicks his chin up and says “Yea! That is what I THOUGHT you’d do.” He is like a bully but one I need.
I am scared this genie won’t stick around. He is gonna eat all this soup and leave.
265 more days of blogging about mistakes, regrets, and other mishaps from my drinking problem. I have daily blogging to keep me accountable.
Mistake #100- Was visiting my sister in 2002. We invited a guy that I used to date to go out with us. We ended up at a gay bar. I got wasted and left with some girl. I just left my sister there with a guy that she barely knew. There were some nasty messages on my voicemail when I woke up the next day.
I was silly to try to start a “diet” a week before going to see friends. Especially with a kid in the car. Now I know I can not tell another woman how to raise her kid, but my imaginary offspring would only eat veggie snacks, milk and water.
Thankfully my friend was stern enough not to let me drink soda. I told her how I almost got weak in a store on Friday by myself. I picked up a Vanilla Coke and told myself “at least it isn’t diet” but then put it back and grabbed water. I also grabbed some energy flavor stuff to add to my water that is supposed to repress my appetite. Not wonderful stuff since it is chemicals but maybe helpful to steer me from my diet soda and sugar addiction.
And all weekend, I did not bother to question what I ate. Tacos. Pizza. Hashbrowns. Lots of sugar in my coffee. My friend offered me stevia instead of sugar but I thought it tasted like medicine. I really just need to wean off sugar. Maybe even learn to drink coffee black.
I went to a women’s AA meeting last night. I enjoyed it. Three women spoke about their stories of 20, 24, and 30 years sobriety. That just seems so long. I was inspired but also a bit sad. Will I ever be able to celebrate 20 years? 10? 5 even? Sometimes I get so scared of the thought of drinking but it seems a life of longterm sobriety is as possible as finding Narnia.
I think I will start going to more meetings. I liked that a few women talked to me last night but did not pressure me. I feel I am in pre-AA. I feel I am training. Prepping. I want to stay sober but I am not ready for a home group or sponsor. I want to wait until after I move this August to a more permanent home. I will invest in AA then. I sort of wish there was a website to find a perfect sponsor for me. Like eSponsor.com instead of eHarmony. OKSobriety. mAAtch.com
Sobriety means a change in lifestyle. Getting healthy is a change in lifestyle. Part of me wants to move to Saudi Arabia. Maybe that is the change I need.
Mistake # 98- Two years ago, I was visiting a foreign city. I got drunk at a bar with friends. Made out with a guy I called Player. I wasted the whole next day sleeping off my hangover. I did not get to see any sites. That night, my friend had a party. Player and I made out again in a corner but I do not remember. At a party the next night, I had sex with Player. Then I found out he had a girlfriend. She was out of town that weekend. I was upset but I did not remember the sex. I just figured it didn’t matter. But I did get drunk and sent him many nasty texts.
When I returned to that city again, I avoided seeing Player again.
Being back in my old hometown made me think of where my life has gone since I left. It made me start to contemplate how my life would be different if I stayed. I wondered about the “what ifs”. What if I never got that first DUI? What if I never lost my driver’s license? What I never got divorced? Would I have stayed here if none of that happened?
I tried to ask my friends these questions at dinner last Thursday. “I wonder where my life would be if I still lived here. Think I would be married again?”
Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I would be happy.
“Think I would have become a mom?”
Maybe, but I might have been one of those women who regretted it and blamed my children for missing opportunities.
“Think I would have turned into the world traveler I became?”
Doubtful. Even with raises, I might be making less money if I stayed here than I do currently. I might not have been influenced to travel.
“Think I would have gotten more DUIs?”
Most likely. I might have even lost my job. Or I might have killed myself or someone else with my drinking.
Or maybe I would have slowed down my drinking. When I moved away, I moved to a city with good public transportation, cheap taxis and many bars within walking distance. My partying was accelerated. Back then, I still blamed my DUI on bad planning.
The second DUI five years later was a wake up call. Or at least a whisper. I went sober for 2 months. Then I tried to control my drinking. Soon, I did not see the point in controlling. I did not value my life. I lived to have fun. I wanted to do anything to avoid boredom. I thought being the party girl would bring me happiness.
Today, before flying home, I stopped to visit my old job. They moved to a new building. I only knew three of the seven people there today. They asked about where I am living now and about my travels. I brought up the “what if” questions to them. I was told that they think deep down, I was meant to break out of here. They don’t think I would have found happiness if I stayed. It made me feel good. I felt they validated my nomadic ways.
But it got me thinking I can not look back on what if I never got my DUIs or if none of my drinking mistakes happened. It was a messy, bumpy road that brought me to this sober place I am in now. I can not even think “what if I relapse?” I can just pick up this journey from here and continue. I can learn (finally!) from all my mistakes. I can work to avoid them again. And I can remind myself the best way to do that is not to pick up that first drink.
Mistake # 97 -I met up with a gay friend at a bar. The plan was to have a few drinks and then I was going shopping. But after a few drinks, I decided the shopping could wait. I mentioned to my friend I have not seen a drag show in this city. So he took me to one. Then we went to a few other gay bars that were all within walking distance from each other. He was giving me a tour of sorts. I was drinking a lot of rum and Diet Coke that night.
We ended up at a bar that he frequents and he started to order us some shots. I remember we met a guy. My friend was interested in this guy. So I tried to play wing-woman. When they announced last call, we invited this guy back to my friend’s apartment. I guess I was planning to crash on the couch. I do not remember much about once we got to the apartment except this guy was new to town and we talked a lot about the hassle of moving. But he must have gotten tired or just tired of my friend and I slurring our speech. He left. And I remember my gay friend saying something about even though he is gay, he still has sex with women.
I woke up in his bed. I do not remember the sex. We both sort of pretended nothing happened. Neither of us ever spoke of that night. I have had sex with friends before but he is the only gay friend I have done. He has actually avoided seeing me ever since that night even though we were both traveling in the same cities at the same time. I never thought I would kill a friendship with a gay guy via sex.