Deadlines

I have been stressed out the last few days about deadlines for my class.  A lot of papers and projects due for a class I thought was going to be an easy A. This is a lesson that nothing that is worth anything is easy.

I need to back-blog to the last few days. (Maybe by the time you read this, I already have completed them.) If you noticed, I try to mine my mistakes up with my days off sobriety. It helps me count. Maybe once my class is finished next week, I can write out more lengthy posts.

Mistake 158- I have a friend that is very hot. He has a great body. But I was not attracted to him beyond the physical thing. He is not very smart and we do not have much in common besides parties. Plus, I knew he was a player. Yet when he started to hit on me, I was flattered. Maybe because I had no respect for myself and no self esteem. We were at his place and he bluntly said “I want to have sex with you” or maybe in cruder words. I drank two bottles of wine to get the courage to do it. I had to get drunk on purpose. So we had sex that I barely remember. Another notch in his belt and a regret on mine.

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Get by with Friends

Sober Señorita posted a great blog a month ago about what she learned her first year sober. I saw a friend today post a link to an article about her blog. Wow! I was so happy and impressed to see someone else on my Facebook post about sobriety that wasn’t me! He is a psych nurse so that might be his interest.  Or maybe he is questioning his drinking. Either way, I was happy someone else was advertising that there are great reasons to go sober!

I reposted the link on my Facebook. I mentioned I have been sober 4 1/2 months and asked if my friends did not understand why I quit drinking, please read the article. I related to her story so much. Ex party girl. A lot of embarrassments and disappointments. Tried to moderate and FAILED! And now so happy (even though still far from a year sober), I can not imagine going back to my drinking life. Sure, I had some good times. But having to daily remember another drunk mistake story is taking the glamour out of my drinking days.

I feel like I am in Clockwork Orange. I have my eyes pried open and I am forced to watch all the horrible things I did when drinking. It is a bizarre therapy. A self therapy. But so far, seems to be working.

As usual when I post on FB something about my sobriety, it did not get many comments or likes. Or not as many as I was hoping. I got more likes for this photo I posted:

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I want to scream “are you intimidated by my sobriety? Think it makes me boring? Worried how it reflects on you?” All I want is a little support from my friends in the form of hitting a like button. Guess they prefer funny memes and cat photos.

I get worried that I talk too much about my sobriety. But I would rather talk and be open about it than shamed and secretive. I read a lot of blogs about people not wanting to tell family and friends. People are worried they will appear weird for not drinking. I guess people are afraid of being judged. I know I am scared of that. Yet I also know I could not get through this without real life support. My friends that have been supportive and lent me an ear have been a huge help. Getting friends to share drunk stories I have forgotten (or blacked out to) has helped with my blog.

I used to get high with a little help from my friends. But now I am getting by with a little help from my friends.

Mistake 134- One friend commented on the link I shared about Sober Señorita’s blog. She said she quit for 6 months but now drinks daily without being a party girl. If she can moderate, good for her. But I told her I don’t remember much of the night we met 5 years ago. She doesn’t either.

We were in Peru. Met up through other aquaintances at a dinner. Then we all went dancing. I remember the place we ate at was upstairs cause I was scared going down the steps drunk. We did a lot of falling down on the way to the club. We danced and drank. I don’t remember much else about the night.

I was supposed to leave the next morning for a trip to see some canyons. I asked the guy I was staying with if I could stay at his place an extra day and leave for my trip the next day. I faked traveler’s diarrhea. But I was actually very hungover.  I wasted a whole day on my trip sleeping off a hangover.

Maid of Drunk Honor

I want to start asking friends for stories about me drunk. Stories I might have forgotten. Things I did when blacked out. But I am not ready to start asking without explaining that I am blogging about my mistakes. I still do not want real friends to know about this. Instead, I have my journals, regrets stuck in my head, and a few reminders every now and then.

A friend emailed me asking who a certain guy was. The guy is a mutual friend of ours on Facebook. I told him the guy was my date last year at a wedding. My friend said “did I meet him? Totally drawing a blank.” I am not sure if they met or if my friend was too drunk to remember because I was wasted.

Mistake #69- I was maid of honor in the wedding. I know nothing about bridal parties nor weddings. I actually think big weddings are a big waste of money. I was asked to be maid of honor because I introduced the bride and groom.

I was more nervous than the bride. I did not feel worthy enough to be in the wedding. The other bridesmaids were from a different world than I knew. They were upper class. I felt like the Beverly Hillbillies. Nothing I did or say was right. I felt I redeemed myself when I bought champagne, juice, fruit and croissants the morning of the wedding to enjoy while we got our hair and makeup done. To curb my nerves, I made my mimosas 3/4 champagne to 1/4 juice.

I was feeling good by wedding time. I was not drunk. Just slightly buzzed. The ceremony was beautiful. Due to the fact I am a very emotional person, I cried the entire service.

After the ceremony, I went to greet friends that knew. I relaxed when I saw them. “Yes, some of my type of people!”
They all complimented me. I grabbed a signature drink during to cocktail hour before running back for wedding photos. “Might as well give me two glasses. Photos might take awhile.”

The wedding party drank champagne in between photos. I chugged my glasses. It would have been almost easier to just drink from the bottle. I was drunk by the time we were introduced at the reception.

I gave a good maid of honor speech. (Before seeing the video, I asked the couple “did I slur much?” They said no and my speech was the best. It was the most personal one. I watched it and was happy I did not fall over. I can see how people do not realize how drunk I was at times. I appear the be functioning perfectly but I know I was very drunk. Not blackout drunk but I am shocked I was walking straight.)

I remember during the other speeches, I gave drunk commentary to my date. During dinner, I kept saying how stressed I was and shared with him bridesmaid gossip. I have no idea who overheard me. The other bridesmaids? Their family?

My date was a guy I met two years before at a Sanatcon event. I invited him because he went to a lot of the same events that the bride, groom, and our friends attend. I told him I knew he would be able to mingle with our friends while I was busy with maid of honor duties. He lived two hours away so I told him he could stay at my hotel rather than drive back after the reception. I emphasize I was not expecting sex, but honestly, I was hoping for it.

The reception was fun. I have a lot of photos of my friends, the married couple and I. My date met some of my friends. I introduced him to the newlyweds. There was a lot of dancing. I was barefoot most of it because I hate heels. I hid when the bouquet was thrown. There was a wonderful show for their departure.

After the couple left, I could not find my date. I went back and looked around the grounds. I texted him. He replied that he decided to drive home. He said he did not drink much so he was sober enough to drive. I was mad. First, he did not say bye. Second, he could have told me this decision in person. And third, there went my plans to seduce him. I asked if I scared him away. He said no but I seemed to be having too much fun. He did not think I would mind.

Maybe next time I see him or run into him at an event, I will ask him about the wedding. I will ask if I said anything stupid. Did I say anything that I thought sounded charming but repelled him instead? Did my intoxicated state irritate him? Was he afraid to share a hotel room with me? And maybe he is just too nice to tell me that?

I have not talked to him since. At least I did not fall in the cake or anything like that. Just ruined a friendship.

Cyber communities

I have been part of cyber communities since I first had a computer. I was into Social Networking before Facebook became a household name. I have traveled to other countries to meet people I met online. So it is not very shocking to me that I find blogs about sobriety to be a great support group. Thanks to everyone out there blogging about their journey and recovery and a huge thanks to everyone that reads, like, and comments on my blogs.

Since Eric is headed to China, I thought I would share one of my drunk stories from my visit to China six year ago.

Mistake #29- I was traveling China for pleasure for a few weeks. I started out with a few days in Shanghai. I met up with a group of international travelers and locals. We all went out to a bar that a local recommended. I think it was someone’s birthday? From my journal:

I left my green bag in the bar. I tried to go back the next day but they didn’t have it. It had my cell phone, iPod, travel journal (with all my enteries from trips to Europe), my guide book, a week supply of birth control pills, my purple cat ears hat (knitted by a friend) and a few other things.

But to look on the bright side, I didn’t lose THIS journal. I have next week’s supply of B/C pills. I didn’t lose my camera. And most importantly, I didn’t lose my passport, credit cards nor money.

It just sucks. I lost a whole day in Shanghai recovering. I tried to sleep with one of the guys that I am not even attracted to. I had to buy a new cell phone but it only works in China.

I spent the next day depressed. Then I met two Chinese girls that invited me to a tea festival. That cheered me up. I was hungover but thought “oh what nice locals!” Later, I found out the tea festival was a scam. They do it to get tourists to buy overpriced tea. The girls did try to get me to pay for their tea but I refused. I think I spent close to USD$100 on tea! But they did help me find a new cell phone and get it set up for me. I was scammed but did benefit from meeting them.

I spent the rest of my trip not trusting any Chinese person I met. I also told people my bag was stolen. I did not admit it was my drunken fault. To this day, I use my bag being “stolen” story as a reason why I did not like China.

I got drunk a few more times in China. I did not lose anything else except wasted more days with hangovers.

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