Visiting Mr Smiles

Mistake 159- A month after meeting Mr Smiles (from mistake # 154), I flew to visit him in London. The first night everything was good. He took me out to dinner with a bunch of his friends. A lot were visiting from his home country. It was a fun night. We went to a Mongolian BBQ and it was my first time at one of those type of restaurants.

The next night, I had plans to go to a party. He had other plans. No problem. But then he started getting phone calls. He would leave the room each time. I soon learned it was his ex girlfriend was calling. She somehow heard about me. And she was supposed to be going to the same party as me. She told him she did not want me going because she did not want to meet me. I told her I graduated high school a long time ago and was not playing these games. He asked me not to go so he would not have to listen to her complaints. I told him he does not rule me. I was invited to this party by a friend that really wanted to see me. I was going! I was getting upset by the drama so I went to my usual cure: get drunk!

I got tipsy before leaving his house. He gave me a key to the inner door but did not have a spare for the front, main door. He told me not to worry. They would leave that door unlocked. He should be home before me anyways.

I got to the party okay. I was good with figuring out the tube system back then from many visits to London. I remember being very drunk on the tube back to his place. After a few stations, the train stopped. They announced there was a slight delay. I did not feel like waiting. I got out and went above ground. I would just get a taxi.

I walked and walked. I kept trying to wave down a cab but none would stop. I did not realize that in London, you need to get a taxi at a taxi stand or calling to an address. (Or at least that was how I understood it?) My feet were hurting because I was wearing new high-heeled boots. I found a bus stop by two buses passed me. I guess they were full. After hour of walking, (or maybe not that long?), I finally came to another tube station. It was late but I managed to get the last train to his house. If my drunk ass was patient the first time I was on the train, this would not have happened.

When I finally got there, the front door was locked. I couldn’t get in. I tried to text and then call him. He wasn’t replying nor answering. I did not want to ring the bell and wake up his housemates. I was still drunk and an emotional mess by this point. I jumped the fence to his garden. I thought maybe the backdoor was unlocked. Nope, that was locked also. I tried to see if I could open a window. Nope. I sat outside crying. Then I heard someone come downstairs. I was too embarrassed for his housemates to see me like that so I hid. I heard the door open and one of them call out “anyone out there?” I kept quiet.

After he went back inside, I climbed back over the fence. I went and sat by the front door. I cried myself to sleep.

Mr Smiles was home shortly. He was very drunk. He apologized for the door being locked. We went inside and to bed.

The next day, he said his housemates heard something in the backyard the previous night. Was that me? I confessed my little Spider-Man stunt of climbing over the fence. “Why didn’t you ring the bell?”

“WHY WEREN’T YOU HOME!”

This lead to a fight. I accused him of being with the ex-girlfriend. He accused me of being crazy. Both might have been the truth. We never talked again.

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Sleep is like Medicine

4 months sober. 120 days. I did not treat myself this milestone. No cake. No flowers. No time for a facial or pedicure. It feels blah. Not bad. I actually feel good and happy for the most part. Just not as exciting as reaching 30, 60 and 90 days. 6 months sobriety still feels so far. Maybe I need to get to a meeting?

I started to write this blog while at work. I started a blog about my housing situation but then deleted it. I thought I did not want a blog about bitching. But my mood after work changed.

This morning, after working a night shift, I decided to drive 2 hours to REI to buy new shoes. That was not the smartest idea. I was tired and so cranky by the time I got to the store. I started to get depressed and over think on the drive. I started to picture getting in an accident and my mom’s reaction. Then thinking that my mom would be the only person in this world that cared if I died got me crying. I was driving down the highway, bawling, fantasizing about my own death.

After I bought my shoes, I took a nap in the car. I slept on and off almost 5 hours. But my car is packed for a festival this weekend. So I could not lay my seat down much and I could not sleep comfortable. I was still cranky when I woke up. I went and ate fast food. I ordered a Diet Coke and bitched to myself out loud “at least it isn’t a fucking beer.” I drove an hour towards my mom’s. Again, I got very sleepy. Pulled over in another parking lot and napped for two hours.

Maybe I got in a better position or maybe since it was darker due to rain clouds, but I slept better for those two hours. I woke up feeling such a better mood. I got to my mom’s house (knowing she was away). I unpacked a few things and went to bed.

I think tiredness is one of my worst enemies.

Mistake 120- I had a friend visit and stay with me for the weekend. We started out as cyber friends and he lives an hour away. This was maybe his 3rd or 4th visit and I visited him once. He was a flamboyant gay guy and liked to party.

I have no idea what happened that night but we got in a fight. And it was an ugly fight. He accused me of attacking him. He had scratches to prove it. But I do not remember it. He even tried to call his roommate to come get him but I unplugged the phones. I do not remember if he left during the night or the next morning. I remember I tried to take sleeping pills that night because I got so upset. But they were not enough because I eventually woke up.

He and I never spoke again but he went telling our community of cyber friends that I was crazy.