I am more nervous this year. Maybe it is because last year, I had 7 months of sobriety before I headed out to Black Rock City. I had more confidence.
This time, I will only be 90 days sober after a slip. I feel weaker. I know I am capable of slipping again. I even had a dream last night that I decided to give up sobriety for a week and drink moderately. When I woke up, scenes of getting mad at bartenders cutting me off came to my mind.
I can’t do it. I can not drink moderately. Alcohol is a poison that makes me crave more. This has nothing to do with secretly drinking out there and/or just trying to fit in. If I drink, I might not stop until I blackout. And then I might do something horrible, dangerous, or die.
I plan to go to an AA meeting in Reno the night before I go out to the playa. Then I will hit as many meetings as I can at Anonymous Village. I even plan to set up a tent at their camp in case I need to get away from my camp. I am picking up tonic water and teas and lots of juices for my week out there.
That dream scared me. Maybe I need to read through my whole blog before I go as a reminder. Maybe bring my Big Book to read out there.
I will check back to share how I survived my 2nd sober Burning Man.
Hey everyone! Sorry I have been quiet. I guess I felt either not much to say or didn’t have time to organize my thoughts. I was working a lot of overtime all summer. It kept me busy and sober. And helped my bank account.
But I am now on a life-dream trip of Alaska! I have always wanted to visit Denali National Park. I have dreamt of camping up here and seeing a lot of wildlife. And I am so glad I am healthy enough to do it. I actually stepped up my plans and did a backpacking trip into the back country of the park. BY MYSELF! I don’t think it is something I would have had the stamina for if I was still in my active alcoholic days.
That doesn’t mean being sober has been easy yet. I am grateful and kept reminding myself how much better it is to hike than to be hungover. Though there were moments I thought “when I am done I want to reward myself with a beer!” And I kept thinking “I promise just one beer. A nice Alaskan micro brew.” I think the fact that most places I stopped to eat at were breweries fueled those ideas.
Then I would think of my drunk stories. One in particular kept flashing in my mind of a party where I had sex with to different guys in one night. The fact that the two guys hated each other made it sort of exciting. It is disgusting to think of some the risks I took while intoxicated .
And now I was hiking alone with 40 pounds on my back in grizzly country. This was a much more dangerous risk but more enlightening. More character building. More respectful. I started to think if I had the courage to do this, I could do almost anything. If I could survive, I could survive a lot of situations. I thought of my muscles that were carrying me over those miles; part of a body that I almost destroyed with alcohol. I did a lot of thinking of how lonely I feel back home surrounded by people but I felt perfectly content miles from society by myself.
I did reward myself when I got back to civilization. I had an Alaskan brewed root beer and a big burger.
I turned 40 while on that hike. I made a new decade resolution. I plan to spend the next ten years focusing on my body, mind, and spiritual growth. And that is all included with remaining sober.