Tag Archives: drinking

And the Oscar goes to…

Posted in New Sober (no more counting) by

I went to an Oscars party last night. Well, actually, only a gathering with two new friends watching the awards on television. I texted my friend to see what I should bring. She said she was headed to the store to get chips, hummus and wine. I decided I would bring something to contribute and counterbalance the wine. I brought some yerba mate ice teas, a large vegetable platter, and ginger hummus.

The host offered me a glass of wine after I took my coat off. She listed all the choices of reds and whites, and then added she also had beers. I said I will keep to the ice tea. But once my tea was finished, she was a great host and jumped to offer me wine . I declined and asked for water. Sparkling or plain filtered?

No questions until the other friend, who had a few too many glasses of wine, asked “Do you not drink?” I did not bother with jokes that I was drinking plenty, just all alcohol-free. I said no, I quit. They asked if it was a diet or something temporary. I explained that I quit two years ago, with a few slips starting last summer, but I have been completely sober almost 3 months. The host seemed impressed. But the drunk friend asked the questions I might have asked if I was the drunk girl. “Can’t you even have a little bit? Don’t you know how to stop when it gets too much? Are you gonna try again after sometime sober?”  She told me how she can’t drink too much and I thought her current state of inebriation was obvious. I do not know how many glasses she had before I arrived, but she was matching her glasses of wine with my glasses of filtered water. She even began adding sparkling water to her wine to make spritzers and slow down the buzz.

I explained to her my slips last summer proved I could not have a little bit, nor should I try to go back to drinking anytime. I can not moderate. I was fine sitting there with my water but I know if I had one glass of wine, I would want the rest of the bottle. I would use too much mental energy telling myself to sip rather than chug and it was a lot easier to just avoid the taste to my tongue. And when the awards ended and she passed out on the couch, I was very glad I quit drinking. The host and I chatted a little bit more about our lives and I was able to drive home.

When I first quit drinking, I don’t know if sitting there avoiding their offers of wine would have been so easy. But I feel I have learned a lot since January 2014 about myself and what alcohol does to my body. I felt I honestly did not want to drink alcohol last night. No acting. No need for award for me.

Jealousy

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately. I got back from my trip to Belize and I have been busy. I have been working a lot, reading for my class, and my mom came to visit. But the good thing is that I haven’t had time to really think about drinking. I had a friend text me today to ask how sobriety is going and I told him I don’t even crave alcohol anymore. I took my mom to a show and bought her a beer and really did not feel jealous that I could not have one. I did not desire it at all.

And I haven’t posted because I feel I am struggling to think of more mistakes to write about that I am ready to share or that I have not already posted. Every once in awhile, I will be reminded of a night or event that triggers a mistake I forgotten.

Mistake 241- This night is a bit of a blur. I had a pool party during the day. About 6 guys I know came and two girls. The one girl was visiting from another country. I remember being nervous about the party and whether people were having fun and the food and what they thought of me. I remembering trying so hard to be liked. I was in my 30s but was like a teenager having a party to impress the cool kids.

I remember being super jealous of the foreign girl. She was in the pool in her bikini, flirting and wresting with all the guys. I think there were only 3 guys in the pool. But they kept grabbing her, dunking her, and picking her up. I thought I would be too heavy for them to try to pick up. I didn’t even want to put on my bikini cause I felt super fat around this tiny girl. So I just drank a lot and stayed out of the pool. I had a crush on one of the guys and it seemed he flirted with her the most.

We all had plans to go into the city for dinner with some other friends. It was going to be at least 20 people meeting at the restaurant. I allowed everyone to use my room and bathroom to change. We all made our way to the city. I was drunk by this point. I got more drunk at dinner. After dinner, we were going to a party in another friend’s apartment. Like I said it was a blur, but I think I gave the foreign girl wrong directions. I think I had her and one of the guys get in a taxi and I said we’d meet them there and I got into another taxi with some other guys. I never saw her at the party. I never talked to her again but I just remember having such hatred and jealousy for her cause she was skinny and the guys all were giving her the attention I wanted. It was MY PARTY!

jealousy-is-just-a-lack-of-self-confidence

Mistake 242- I got very drunk at that party. It was a crowded apartment. I remember having some beer, either a 6-pack but more than likely a 12-pack, and I held onto it cause I was worried it would be stolen if left in the fridge. I woke up the next day sitting in a recliner chair. I was curled up with my legs hanging over the arm on one side. I was confused as to where I was and then it slowly hit me. I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing a pair of thongs that were not mine under my skirt. I asked the hostess of the party and she said she gave them to me cause I lost mine. I later found my thongs in my purse. I have no idea how they got there or how I “lost” them. The other hostess of that party never really liked me after that night.

Quiet but dry

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I have not posted in a few days but still sober. I am on a roadtrip with a friend. I have not had time to blog or read blogs. My mood has been better. We have been having a good time. We’ve been listening to music and comedy. We listened to two Robin Williams cd’s. I really enjoyed his jokes about alcoholism. Not sure if they made my friend uncomfortable.

I have never known my friend to have a drinking problem. But I found it irritating he had to buy a 6-pack of beer last night. We are doing a lot of driving. We stop in hotels around 10 at night with plans to leave by 9am. Why does he need beer? I also do not want to become judgemental. He drank 3 of them while I went to bed. Now I need to make room in my cooler for his beers? Hell no. He will have to deal with skunk beer tonight. My yogurt gets priority.

Mistake 206- I was in Taiwan for a few days. I wanted to make an overnight trip from Taipei somewhere. I picked Sun Moon Lake. I planned to take a train there in the afternoon and hike the next day.

I spent my one night there drinking in my hotel room. Everything in the town closed by 9pm. I found one place still open for dinner and ordered a large beer. Then I stopped at 7-11 on my way to my hotel to pick up 2 more large beers. They also sold little shooters of alcohol at the counter. I bought a few.

I sat in my room, watching some lame movie that I have seen hundreds of times, and drank alone. I also messaged with an ex-boyfriend while drinking. I got a little tipsy. I woke up to see the sunrise from my hotel room. Took a photo. Went back to bed. I was too dehydrated/tired/hungover. I slept until checkout at 11pm.

I had a train to return to Taipei that afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to hike around the lake. Instead, I did a boat cruise. And drank a lot of water, green tea, and ibuprofen.

Jealous Jekyll

Posted in 150-180 days by

Mistake 160- I had three people staying at my place for a weekend. We were all cyber friends from a website. Two girls and one guy that were visiting my city. The guy was dating a friend of friends and I did not know him well. But I felt I did not like him soon after he arrived. Or I was jealous because he seemed to be flirting with one of the girl who happened to be a lesbian. And I was interested in her.

I had a party Saturday night during their stay. It was a good, successful party. About twenty people in my small apartment drinking beer and wine. Close to midnight, someone suggested we go bar hop. We couldn’t play music loud that late because of the neighbours. So we all left to continue the party elsewhere across town.

Somewhere and sometime in that switch, it seemed my personality switched. The more drunk I got, the more I couldn’t shake the jealous feelings. This guy had a girlfriend but I still felt he was flirting with the object of my affection. She flirted with him, me, and everyone but I hated him for leading her on. I kept trying to tell myself it was because I felt bad for his girlfriend. But I really think I did not like having competition with a man for a woman’s attention.

I am not sure what happened, but I got mad and left. I left my three guests at the bar. I got in a taxi. They said they came out of the bar and saw me pulling away. They said I turned around, looked at them, and laughed. I do not recall that.

I must have went to another bar or club. They had a spare key so I assumed they would have no problem getting back. When I got home later, I was mad at first thinking they were still out. The couch and air mattress in the living room were empty. But when I went in my bedroom, I saw the three of them sleeping in my bed. This outraged me. I screamed at them to get out of my bed. I accused them of have a three- some in my bed (even though they were all completely dressed and still in jeans.) They started to say their excuses but I would not listen. I said I wanted them all out of my apartment. This was about 3am.

They grabbed their bags and left. The girls were crying. I was crying. I think the guy was yelling at me but I just yelled right back. I heard they all went to a train station until they could get the first trains home. I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a crazy monster.

He complained to a lot of people about my drunk rage. I defended myself that I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend and in my bed. I told everyone I felt sorry for his girlfriend and he was untrustworthy. I did not know the girlfriend but I had many mutual friends with her. They were all baffled by this story. They never knew me to act like that so he must have done something really wrong, but they also knew she was a really sweet girl and trusted her judgement about the guy.

I never talked to any of them directly again. They all deleted me from their friends list. The guy and his girlfriend are still together many years later. I see him commenting on things on Facebook and he has even responded to me about a few things and I ignore him. His responses are never malicious. But his comments trigger my shame from that night. The lesbian deleted her account from the website. The other woman from that night is still friends with many of my friends but completely avoids me. I heard someone once say she was terrified by me that night. My eyes did not look normal.

Oddly, the afternoon before the party, I was telling them that sometimes drinking makes me feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Unfortunately I proved my point.

Summer Solstice

Posted in 150-180 days by

Happy Summer Solstice everyone! Or I guess it is over in most of the world by now. I enjoyed it at a backyard party. They had Mexican theme. I met a lot of people and caught up with two old friends. And once again, I stayed sober.

They had a lot of specialty drinks. Bloody Marys made with tequila so they called them Bloody Marias instead. Mimosas with orange juice or lemonade.  Lots and lots of beer. This bin was full and this is what is left:

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If I was drinking, it would be empty. I am spending the night at the house. So I would have used that as an excuse to drink more. But I am not sure what “more” would have been compared to my normal drinking. A 6 pack a night? I brought 3 large jugs of ice tea. I mixed some with lemonade.

I don’t think anyone got trashed. Is this what parties normally looked like but I never noticed because I was usually too drunk? There was only one girl that seemed tipsy and she is also spending the night. Maybe everyone did not drink much because they were driving and were being responsible. That was a foreign custom to me.

I met people without liquid lubrication. I joked around with people. I enjoyed conversations. While there were a few moments of uncomfortable silence, it seemed to be a mutual feeling. It was much better than making an intoxicated fool of myself.

There was no real moment where I desired alcohol. My only problem was being conscious if I started to mention my sobriety too much.  I didn’t want to be a buzzkill. If I started to bitch about how drinking was such a problem for me,  I would try to change the subject. This was a party.  Not rehab. Not AA. My two friends don’t mind talking with me about it but this was not the environment for that. 

My first summer party sober. Yea!

Mistake 152- My last trip to Goa, I sat on the beach all day drinking alone. I got drunk. In the late afternoon, I started to walk back to my guesthouse. I got lost.  I tried to ask for directions. People in India tend to give answers even if they do not know the correct explanation. I heard they think it is rude to not know so they make up responses. So this guy gave me the wrong directions.

It was hot. Over 90 F degrees. I was drunk and lost. I was getting irritated.  I texted a local friend to ask for help. He responded that he did not know what I expected him to do. He did not know where I was. I tried to describe where I was and wanted him to come pick me up. It was not as if I sent him my GPS coordinates. He told me I was being ridiculous.

I started to text him very rude responses. Called him “useless”. I then started to accuse him of trying to use me.  I was very mean in every text. He finally told me to grow up.  Then the messages turned depressing. I started to say he doesn’t know what it is like to fantasize about dying. He called me a drama queen. I told him no,  I was a “suicidal alcoholic”. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.

I don’t remember all the texts messages but I know that they went along those lines. As I was walking and texting on a road in India, I was crying.  A taxi motorbike stopped and I got a ride back to my guesthouse.  (Thankfully it wasn’t some stranger on a bike taking advantage of drunk foreigner.) I deleted all my friend’s messages that night. He last text me the next day saying he hopes I get some help. I responded “fuck off.” I deleted all emails and contact I had with him. 

I don’t know why I reacted like that.  Was I crying for help?  This was a little over a year ago.  Was I realizing my drinking was destroying me? Was I just being a drunk drama queen? Was I scared of being lost in Goa and lost in life?

Summer solstice is a time of rebirth. I feel I am leaving so much confusion and destitution behind in my past. I am being reborn into a sober me.

Excuses, Excuses

Posted in 150-180 days by

I was at a friend’s house yesterday and noticed a newspaper article hanging on the refrigerator. I never noticed it before and I stopped because the photo looked familiar. It was my friend’s roommate. And the article was about her car getting stuck on train tracks and she getting a DUI. A lovely story to put on the fridge!

Her car got stuck on train tracks because she turned on them by mistake thinking they were the road. A cop noticed her standing outside of the car. She appeared drunk. The cop said she was falling over. A train was coming and he was able to get her away. The train hit her car. It totaled her car. She refused the breathalyzer.

I asked my friend about it. He said she wasn’t that drunk. She only had a few drinks and she can handle her alcohol. She was falling cause she was wearing heels. The newspaper made it seem worse than it was. That road it really dark so it is understandable why she turned on the tracks by mistake.

I couldn’t help but think he was just making up excuses. She probably told him these same excuses. When I first met her, she was falling over drunk. And she was barefoot that night.

What if she did not get out of the car? Why did she get out of the car? Thank god no one else was in the car. Thank god no one on the train got hurt. There are so many variables that could have made this a different situation. But excuses seem to push all the other possibilities out-of-the-way. She went to court and received a restricted driver’s license for a few months.

In my fear that blogging about this might “out” more information about me by connecting her story to me, I tried to google it. I could not find her story nor her photo. But sadly, I found that this happens a lot. I found a lot of stories of people getting their car stuck on train tracks while drunk. I found one woman parked her car on the tracks because she knew she was too drunk to drive on a Navy base. I found other stories about trains hitting cars. One girl was so drunk she didn’t even think to leave her car until two guys made her get out.

I think back to all the excuses I used to make. But there is no excuse for all the lives lost from drunk drivers.

Mistake 151- I was in Goa, India. I rented a scooter bike for the week. I went to a party in another part of the state about 45 minutes from where I was staying. I met a couple that got a ride there. We partied all day and night on the beach. I remember I stopped drinking about an hour before leaving the party. But that was still not enough time to sober up. I offered a ride to the girl. Her boyfriend got a ride back with one of my friends. I remember I got lost a little. I concentrated so hard on keeping the bike straight on the road.

We finally got back to the meeting point where my friend and her boyfriend were waiting. Her boyfriend was so happy. Later on, my friend told me the boyfriend was so worried. He kept saying he shouldn’t have let me drive her. If we were in an accident, he would have felt so responsible. He knew I was drinking a lot at the party. I not only put my life at risk, but her life also. And that would affected him too. It would have been a horrible chain reaction. Not to mention if I caused an accident that involved another vehicle and more people.

Alcoholics only think of themselves and live in excuses.

Charisma

Posted in 120-150 days by

I realize that not all of my mistakes are due to my drinking problem. Sometimes it was my low self-esteem.  Sometimes it was the charisma of another person. Sometimes it was a mix.

My friend the other day mentioned a guy as one of my drunk mistakes. I thought for a minute. I am not sure I would put him as a mistake. I said I always thought he was charming. She always thought he was creepy.  I do not know what it was I liked about him. Maybe it was because I was always drunk around him. She asked if I would have had sex with him if I was sober. I said maybe.

Then I thought of how he could be creepy at times. He would put his hand on my back in a bar and start rubbing it while I am talking to someone. He would catch my eye across the room and wink, even though he probably did that to 5 other girls the same night. Maybe he was fishing for a wink back and figure out who his catch of the night would be.

He tried to get with me one night when I was drunk but not single. He even knew my boyfriend. I was trashed and fading in and out of blacking out when I realized I was making out with him on his couch. I stopped and told him  “I can’t do this!”He was fine with it. We still slept in the same bed but did not have sex. I was woken up early when my boyfriend was Skype calling my phone. “Where are you?” Oh… I passed out on a friend’s couch.

He has an apartment with a great location. It has great views. Great party atmosphere. He is smart. Makes good money. Was semi-good looking. I have another friend who, without knowing I had sex with the guy, asked “how does he get so many girls? What is his secret?” I do not know. All I can think is it must be his charisma. I was drunk the few times we had and almost had sex. But I knew I was interested in him even before having the first drink of the night.

And that is when the low self-esteem comes in the mix. I knew he was a player. I knew he slept with probably half of my friends in the city. (Except the ones that thought he was creepy.)  I did not think I deserved better. It made me feel better that I was one of his many chosen. It is like I did not want to be left out on the cheering sex squad. And many years later, I can not even decide if sex with him was a mistake.

Maybe it was a mistake. But it was not a drunk mistake. And there were many other drunks occasions at his parties, some  involving other guys, but not always mistakes.

I am invited to a party at Mr Charisma’s place this weekend. I have been debating it. I think I could handle being around the alcohol. But I do not think I want to try to handle being around him.
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Mistake 148- I think it was the same weekend I first had sex with Mr Charisma. He tends to act like nothing happened the next day when we are around friends. We were at a bar crawl. And I met a gorgeous Scandinavian man there. This guy paid me a lot of attention. He was not hiding his attraction towards me. But I got trashed! (That is the point of bar crawls, right?)

Somehow after the party, me and Mr Scandinavian ended up back on Mr Charisma’s couch. Maybe there was an after party on the patio? I remember making out with the gorgeous guy on the couch, clothes starting to come off, and Mr Charisma walked through the living room. He just looked at me and shook his head. I doubt he was jealous. But it made me feel like a cheap slut. Mr Scandinavian and I stopped what we were doing out of embarrassment and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

One drink for you… 3 drinks for me…

Posted in 120-150 days by

I went out for dinner last night with a friend. I have known DG for 7 years. When I first met her, it was right after I gave up my post-DUI sobriety. It was about two weeks after a pool party where I got trashed. I was still thinking I was able to moderate.The first weekend I met her, I got trashed two nights in a row. I don’t know why I was lying to myself that I did not have a problem.

When I got into the City, I felt very good. I thought “wow I have come a long way in sobriety. I no longer feel temptations to drink here.” The Happy Hour signs on the sidewalks were not trying to trip me anymore. The cheerful people on the patios drinking did tantalize me with their drunk laughter. I felt strong.

When DG arrived, we got a nice table outside. We had a great view for people watching. We chatted and caught up. Service was very slow at this place but we finally got our drink orders placed.

When her Cabernet arrived, I felt a little weak. I could smell her wine as much as I could smell my own breath. It smelled so lovely. It must have been a good bottle. I really wanted a sip. And I found this desire sad. I was just feeling satisfied at not wanting alcohol. One whiff later and I was craving the poison. Maybe I need to start drawing my Sobriety chips on my hands when I go out to remind myself not to reach out for it.

I am not sure what she would have said if I asked for sip. She knows I quit drinking but she did not know the whole story until tonight. And she did not say much about the story yet seemed to understand. Or at least understood I drank way more than normal people. She might not understand why I need to abstain but she does not have an issue if I do not drink.

She was never a big drinker. I would seriously have about 5 glasses per her one when we would party. We have meet up about once or twice a year since I moved away and that usually involves meeting for dinner. I usually would have 2 or 3 cocktails for her one. She took a long time to finish that Cabernet. What a weird and normal drinker she is!

I made one comment that I made too many mistakes when drunk. She started to list some of my mistakes. *sigh* I wonder if I have any friends that DO NOT have drunk stories I do not remember.

Mistake 147- The first time I met DG, it was at a picnic. Nothing bad happen the first day. We were in a public park and alcohol was illegal. No one was drinking until later in the evening. I had a good time and met people. DG and I connected and got along well. I did not get trashed. But the next night, I did.

We went to a late afternoon BBQ. I started drinking then. Then we went to a party to watch the Tonys and kept drinking. Then we went dancing. The last thing I remember is the dance club. Then I woke up in DG’s living room the next morning. She let me come stay at her place because I was too drunk to get home. She said on the walk to her place, I kept yelling I needed sex. She said I was quite funny. “I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN A LONG TIME! I NEED SEX!!!” She had a guy staying with her, who I apparently almost molested.  She really thought the guy was scared. He was foreign. He had a girlfriend back home. She said I tried to kiss him several times and he pulled away.

I guess I am lucky she has a sense of humor and put up with my crazy, drunk behavior. I am glad she likes me for whatever reason we connected that first day and not for my drunk antics.

Thoughts from Last Attempt at Sobriety

Posted in 120-150 days by

I started a “sober journal” in 2007. This was after my second DUI. I was so serious about it. But I can read doubt in between the lines. It seems I was trying to rush sobriety.  Went to daily AA meetings where I rushed the steps and talked about “God” but did not really believe it. It seems I was practicing to be sober.

My first entry April 7, 2007:

Sometimes I feel like a loser going sober. I feel like I lost the war. I lost the battle with alcohol. At least I am being taken as a prisoner instead of as a corpse.

This will test who my friends are. For awhile I have been depressed by the fact I felt all I have is drinking aquaintances instead of friends. [Name 3 friends] have proven themselves to be real friends.

Then I complained about a “friend” who texted me “I wish you could still party.” I stopped talking to him a few months later for being so unsupportive.  Will I lose friends this round of sobriety?

Then I started a list of mistakes I made from drinking up to that point. If I stayed sober that time, I don’t think I would have been able to create a list of 365 mistakes. That is one thing I would have been okay not accomplishing. But if I relapse this round, how much more will this list increase? Will this list be read at my funeral?

Found a page of my concerns about sobriety back then which I now feel I can answer:

1) will it be hard to make friends now that I don’t drink?
– Nope. Just different type of friends. Ones that like me for me. Not for drunk me.

2) will I find happiness?
– Yep. Even though I still get bouts of sadness and depression, I really feel I am overall happier. And I think more happiness is in my future. Just not suffering hangovers anymore makes me happier!

3) can I find a successful relationship?
– not sure yet since I plan to wait until I am sober for a year, but I am starting to have confidence that I will find someone. For now, I have my friend with benefits. And he has been fun.

4) will my current friends be supportive?
– all the people I knew when I wrote that and I am still in touch with have been wonderful and super supportive.  They have been around long enough to understand why I had to finally quit drinking. Only a few people are acting unsupportive.

5) will I be weak?
– well, I did get weak back then. I stayed sober a little more than 2 months. I did not try going sober again until 7 years later (except for “drinking breaks,” but those were never meant to be permanent.) Back then, I kept thinking I could learn to moderate eventually. Now, I know that is impossible.

Also, now I have a great sober blogging community to keep me strong.

Mistake 144 – I met a girl in Cairns, Australia with whom I became temporarily friends. We were sharing a dorm room. We had things in common. We talked about getting together again when we returned to America. But I got drunk and ruined the friendship.

I started an open water diving course in Cairns. It was a week long with the last 3 days out on a boat. But our last two certification dives were canceled due to cyclones. The boat went back to the docks. Most of the class returned to the boat the next day to continue the course. I declined. I was scared. I would finish my certification elsewhere.

I stayed in Cairns and partied with my new friend. We got along well. We went to see sites together. It was typical of how quick friendships can form when traveling. And the night my diving class came back from the boat, I invited her to come join my class at a bar. We were going to celebrate everyone’s new diving certification. And I confessed to her, I wanted to join because I had a crush on the boat captain.

It started out fun. When the captain started to flirt with her, I got jealous. Then she flirted back. And the answer to my jealousy was “get drunk!” I started badmouthing her to the other divers. How dare that slut go for the guy I liked! I talked my classmates into leaving that bar and sneaking over to another. We didn’t tell her where we were going. We just sort of ditched out and went elsewhere. I thought I was so clever.

But she arrived at the new bar with the Captain. She found me and said “wow you guys left quick? Why didn’t you tell me where you were going?” Oh I thought someone told you.  Then she asked if I was mad. I lied and said no. I kept drinking and doing a lot of shots. She then left with the Captain.  My response was to find first, cute random guy and take him back to the dorm room.

Then next day she told me how she went home with the Captain.  She found lipstick and tampons in his bathroom. She asked and turns out he had a girlfriend out of town. I laughed. That is what she deserved. I was a mean bitch. We stopped hanging out together even though we kept sharing a room. I booked a bus to leave Cairns soon. We did not bother to stay in touch.

Even if I lose friends in sobriety, what about the friends I lost from my drinking?

Google myself

Posted in 120-150 days by

I tried to Google my blog. I typed “365reasons” and the first 4 things that popped are were “365 reasons i love you”, “365 reasons i love my boyfriend”, “365 reasons i love her”, and “365 reasons to drink.”

Love, love, love and alcohol. It is what is on everyone wants.

I went and clicked on the 4th option. I found it depressing. The top story was 365 Excuses to Get Drunk. As if people need an excuse? It was depressing that there is a whole magazine and website dedicated to, not just drinking, but “standing up for your right to get falling down drunk since 1996.” I actually might have read the magazine? I think I found a copy of it in a bar and that was where I discovered the term alcoheimers. Man, I was not just an alcoholic. I was a DEDICATED alcoholic. I am surprised I did not get a subscription to the magazine. I guess the closest I ever came to a drunk subscription was a wine club. They sent me cases every few months. The magazine would have been cheaper.

A bit further down, I found a link to an app on a Smartphone for drinking: 365 Reasons to Drink. I wonder if I can get someone to create an app after I complete my year of daily blogs. But my app would be a personal one with my mistakes. Everyday it will beep with my sobriety count and instead of some daily reflection, it will say “remember the time you passed out on the street in Brooklyn” or another drunk mistake.

Crazy that when I went back and added “not” to the front of the word “drink” in the Google search, my blog came up. I guess that is a good thing!

I am not beating myself up over my past and my drunk mistakes. I am realizing how far I have come. I watched Rum Diary tonight. And even though Johnny Depp’s character is an alcoholic and there is a lot of my old favorite liquor in the movie, I did not desire any rum. Instead I thought about booking a flight to Puerto Rico where the movie takes place. I even started to look up volunteer opportunities there. (Let me know of any volunteer jobs or companies you would recommend.)

A friend that I had dinner with a couple weeks ago emailed me and said he plans to quit drinking. He has a sobriety date set up for his birthday in a few weeks from now. He said he plans to pick up as much overtime at work to avoid the temptation. He said that helped when he quit smoking. He wants more tips from me. I need to plan a night next week to have dinner with him again.

(I have been very bad with reading other sober blogs lately. I am not being selfish. It has been time consuming to write my daily blog on top of work, school work, and my travels. But I was just reading through some and found this post about Sober and Awkward. Her rock bottom was a car wreck. She hit another car head on. She just got sentenced to 6 months in jail. I cried. I cried for her and for thinking “that could have been me!” I now feel selfish.)

Mistake 142- Many years ago, when I was still new to drinking but already blacking out and making mistakes, I went to a party at my friend’s house. Her housemates were away for the weekend. I remember she regretted the party because of lot of stuff got ruined. Drunk guys threw furniture into the pool and over into a canyon. People were having sex in her roommates bed that was off limits.

I had sex in the bathroom. I barely remember someone trying to open the door on us. I remember she was so mad at me. Our friends were mad at me also. I can’t remember now, but I think either the guy had a girlfriend or one of my friends liked him.

I helped her clean up the next day. I kept apologizing. 20 years later, she laughs it off as “we were dumb and in college!” When college kids do crazy things like that, it is seen as normal.