I had a very emotional, stressful night at work.  I cried a lot.  I dealt with a lot of moral questions. It was mentally draining.

I had my friend to “talk” about it via text messaging. He was very helpful and supportive with this situation. He asked how do I deal with this stress and stay sober.

Without hesitation, I told him getting drunk would not solve it. I could hide my feelings in the bottom of a bottle or deal with them. I would rather deal with them no matter how unpleasant they are. I had no desire to drink. I just wanted to cry myself to sleep. But I couldn’t until my shift was over.

I kept running to the bathroom to cry. Then I would look in the mirror and tell myself to dry my tears. I am a strong woman. Fighting alcoholism proves that. Everyday is a struggle. I need to keep strong in front of my coworkers.

I told my friend that in the past, I would focus my pain on picking up booze on my way home. I would figure out where I could buy a 6 pack or bottle of wine at 7am. What are the laws in this state? Then I would drink away the thoughts and get drunk at 8am. But nothing would be accomplished except maybe a hangover when I wake up.

There have been times where I got trashed after a stressful day of work. And I would do very stupid things like sex with a stranger, get in a fight, or drive drunk. I used the excuse “I was stressed out. I needed that drink” which was never just one drink. I would drink until I blacked out to try to erase thoughts and feelings from the day. Obliterate the stress. But it usually created more instead.

I cried a lot last night but it is better than crying in a drunk rage. I was hurting but pain is part of life. Self-medication with wine will not make suffering disappear.

Mistake 146- I woke up once with a burglar in my bedroom. It was daytime. I don’t want to get into the details except to say thankfully I wasn’t hurt and he left when he saw me. But I was so stressed and frightened. A friend came over to support me while the cops took a report. Then my friend took me to lunch. I ordered 3 large margaritas at lunch. When I got home, I proceeded to drink every bit of alcohol I had in my apartment. A lot of people said they would have been too scared to be in their apartment after such an incident. I felt safe as long as I had my booze with me. I ended up drinking pumpkin liqueur by the end because I chugged everything else. I kept posting rants on Facebook complaining about my city and crime rates. I did not remember these rants until I saw them the next day. I went and deleted them all then.

I had a friend message me the next day to see how I was doing. I said I was coping. She mentioned she is still bleeding. I was confused until I scrolled back and saw we had a whole long conversation the previous day. She had a miscarriage. I admitted to her I did not remember that conversation at all but was very sorry for her loss. She replied “lol it is ok. You had a horrible day.”

I coped with my fear and stress by drinking until I blacked out. But it did not solve anything. It could have made things worse.