And memories keep resurfacing…

Sometimes, I get worried I will not remember 365 mistakes. Then other days, I feel I will have no problem coming up with one daily. It is amazing how one little thing will trigger a new regret.

“Oh wow, I forgot about that night.”

A month ago, I slacked in daily blogging and coming up with mistakes. I was busy with finishing my online class. I returned to those entries and filled in daily mistakes. During those days of not blogging, I felt a little struggle at times. Thoughts of “drinking in moderation one day” started to seep in my mind.  Once I returned to daily posts again, those thoughts were pushed away. Sober blogging has helped me so much more than any AA meeting could.

Mistake 185- I mentioned my husband’s friend Alaska yesterday and the time I cheated on my husband by kissing another guy while partying with this friend. After I separated from my husband, Alaska invited me over one night. The memories of the evening are foggy. I was drunk when I drove over there. I remember being impressed he drank good beer. We drank lots of it. He started to tell me how he was always interested in me and my husband was dumb to let me go.  I remember we had sex on the rug. And I remember him begging me not to tell my husband. I laughed. Why would I tell my estranged husband I just fucked one of his closest friends? I don’t think I stayed there. We were worried my husband would see my car out front. I was drunk still when I drove back to wherever I was starting at the time. 
I remember mixed emotions afterwards. I felt shame. And triumphant. I felt like it was revenge against my husband. I felt confident that another man still wanted me. I think a small part of me fantasized about a relationship with him.

Though still not sure if I would have done that if I was not drunk.

The Ex Area

I have been feeling good today. Happy with myself. Happy to be sober. Thinking of all the ways my life has been better since I quit drinking.

Then I drove through the area my ex-husband is from. Where all his relatives live. My ex-in-laws. I was worried to stop for gas from fear of running into one of them. Last time I saw my ex-father-in-law was the day I signed my divorce papers. I ran into him at the post office. “What have you been up to?” he asked me that afternoon 12 years ago. “Divorcing your son” was my response. Not a very nice response.

I started to think about my ex-husband and our marriage. I know that there were a lot of reasons we did not work out, many other reasons besides my drinking problem. But if I did not drink so much, could we have solved those other problems? If I did not hate myself so much, would we have had a lot of those problems? Or if I had faith in myself and did not feel he was my last chance at love, would I have married him at all?

It brought a rush of guilty feelings. It made me wonder “what if’s”. It made me think again of all the relationships I ruined with my drinking. I really wish I realized I had a problem with alcohol when he and I split up. I do remember a phone call, or instant messenger conversation,  I had with his mom after we separated. I told her it was a shame he grew up with an alcoholic father and then married an alcoholic woman. So I did acknowledged it back then. I just was not willing to change it. Or maybe I thought I could fix it. Control it. Normalize it.

That “it” has almost destroyed my life. I am finally dealing with it. I know I can never drink again. I just hope I can put behind me all the harm it has caused.

Mistake 155- My husband and I went to a New Year’s Eve Party. It was at our old neighbor’s apartment but he moved to a new place. It was still walking distance. We got drunk and my husband wanted to leave. I refused to go. So he left and walked home. He later told me he got sick in bushes on the way home. That is better than me. I got sick in a bowl at the party. I was eating Doritos or some sort of chips. Then I just puked right into the bowl. Then I passed out in a couch. I left the next morning before anyone else woke up and walked home.

A year or so later, I ran into a guy at a bar that was at that party. He came up to me and my friends “didn’t you puke in a bowl at so-and-so’s New Year’s party?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about but it was too late. He started to laugh and I turned bright red. My friends looked horrified.

But then it was forgotten and filed away as another drunk story for which I was starting to be known.