Prozac

I was talking with a friend the other day about her son and ritalin. Her sister has temporary custody of the boy and think he has ADHD. He is 13. I think he is being a teenager. My friend doesn’t want her son on speed and does not know her rights with it. I told her how I think medication should be the last resort. Then I got thinking about my own medication use.

I have been on Prozac for a month now. I picked up a bottle when I was in Mexico. I was against starting anti-depressants for a long time. I always thought exercise and diet were better than something created in a lab. I thought just going sober would be the cure to my hopelessness. But after my rough,  depressive August, I knew I needed something. The bottle had 100 pills and I thought I would just need this to bring me up and then I would stop. I thought I can start eating healthier and exercising my way to joy.

I am not too sure now. I feel happier and more confident.  I am not sure how much to thank my Prozac for that. Do I want to take the chance of stopping when I run out after 3 months? I am not going to fly you Mexico for another bottle. I guess I should start finding a therapist for a prescription. And then she or he can help me figure out when to wean off.

I am pleased I started it. I just do not want to depend on the little green and yellow pills forever.

Mistake 244- I went to a party and met up with a friend I have not seen in a long time. He was in town briefly. I always had a crush on him. I remember I had plans to sleep in the back of my car that night to avoid driving. I was all set to get trashed.

I drank beers and shots of Jameson. I remember bragging that Jameson was the only whiskey I drank because it was smooth. I remember showing my ID for the first shot. Then I lost it. I had to keep returning to the same bartender the rest of the night.

I made out with my friend. I only briefly remember it. I think we were dancing and then started to kiss. I guess it was a good thing he had a ride to his hotel and I was staying in the parking lot because not sure what more would have happened.

I did have a bouncer stop me on the way out to say they found my ID. Still, it was a close call. I lost so many driver licenses while drunk.

That friend is now married with a baby. Whenever he is on town, he is always too busy to meet up with me again.

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Jealousy

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately. I got back from my trip to Belize and I have been busy. I have been working a lot, reading for my class, and my mom came to visit. But the good thing is that I haven’t had time to really think about drinking. I had a friend text me today to ask how sobriety is going and I told him I don’t even crave alcohol anymore. I took my mom to a show and bought her a beer and really did not feel jealous that I could not have one. I did not desire it at all.

And I haven’t posted because I feel I am struggling to think of more mistakes to write about that I am ready to share or that I have not already posted. Every once in awhile, I will be reminded of a night or event that triggers a mistake I forgotten.

Mistake 241- This night is a bit of a blur. I had a pool party during the day. About 6 guys I know came and two girls. The one girl was visiting from another country. I remember being nervous about the party and whether people were having fun and the food and what they thought of me. I remembering trying so hard to be liked. I was in my 30s but was like a teenager having a party to impress the cool kids.

I remember being super jealous of the foreign girl. She was in the pool in her bikini, flirting and wresting with all the guys. I think there were only 3 guys in the pool. But they kept grabbing her, dunking her, and picking her up. I thought I would be too heavy for them to try to pick up. I didn’t even want to put on my bikini cause I felt super fat around this tiny girl. So I just drank a lot and stayed out of the pool. I had a crush on one of the guys and it seemed he flirted with her the most.

We all had plans to go into the city for dinner with some other friends. It was going to be at least 20 people meeting at the restaurant. I allowed everyone to use my room and bathroom to change. We all made our way to the city. I was drunk by this point. I got more drunk at dinner. After dinner, we were going to a party in another friend’s apartment. Like I said it was a blur, but I think I gave the foreign girl wrong directions. I think I had her and one of the guys get in a taxi and I said we’d meet them there and I got into another taxi with some other guys. I never saw her at the party. I never talked to her again but I just remember having such hatred and jealousy for her cause she was skinny and the guys all were giving her the attention I wanted. It was MY PARTY!

jealousy-is-just-a-lack-of-self-confidence

Mistake 242- I got very drunk at that party. It was a crowded apartment. I remember having some beer, either a 6-pack but more than likely a 12-pack, and I held onto it cause I was worried it would be stolen if left in the fridge. I woke up the next day sitting in a recliner chair. I was curled up with my legs hanging over the arm on one side. I was confused as to where I was and then it slowly hit me. I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing a pair of thongs that were not mine under my skirt. I asked the hostess of the party and she said she gave them to me cause I lost mine. I later found my thongs in my purse. I have no idea how they got there or how I “lost” them. The other hostess of that party never really liked me after that night.

Happy Hour

I went to a happy hour last night. Not the best place for a person in recovery, right? But I had fun. I went there to meet other people that go to the festivals I enjoy. I planned to try to ask around if anyone knew of any sober festival goers, but I got wrapped up in conversations about projects and volunteering. I really enjoyed myself. I had a group of people whom with I shared a different experiences outside of parties.

This particular place had a water cooler next to the bar. I could help myself to as much water as I wanted rather than having to ask the bartender and wait. They had a trivia night going on in the main room and I started remembering how much I loved bar trivia night. Would I now kick ass at bar trivia against drunk people?

I spent most of my time there talking with one woman. I got there 2 hours after the happy hour started and she was obviously drunk. I now find it hard to have conversations with drunk people but it also reminds me of what I used to be like. I spoke with a few other people. I was proud that I was meeting people without liquor lubrication.

I am not going to make happy hour a common evening. This one had a specific theme. I don’t think I could have handle it three to six months ago without caving in and getting a beer. But it was a “happy hour” because I definitely left there happy.

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Mistake 177- I went to a “white party”. It was not a race thing.  It meant everyone had to wear white. I had a flowing white skirt, white tank top, and white blouse. I was drinking before the party and drinking lots at the party. I went out to dinner with friends after the white party. They said I kept swaying my head. They thought I was going to pass out in my food.

A guy who knew my friends offered to give me a ride home.  But I was too drunk to give him directions. I just moved there and could not remember the address. My driver’s license did not have my new address because I was living there temporarily.  So he drove me to his place with plans to drive me to my car in the morning.  But once at his place,  I started to make the moves on him. I ended up in his bed. I do not remember the night and had to ask him his name the next day.

We started dating. A month later,  we turned it into an exclusive relationship. Then it ended a month later.  I think I was always self-conscious of the way we met. But he had his own emotional issues.

Drunk Disney 1

Mistake 172- I had a group of friends that used to organize a night called “Drunk Disney”. They would pick a Disney movie,  ask people to dress like characters or to a them from the movie,  and make up a drinking game.  For example, if Toy Story was the movie, they would ask people to dress up like a character or some toy. Then they would pick 5 words or sayings that everyone must drink when heard during the film. Like drink every time Buzz says “to infinity and beyond.”

We used to joke that we were bad at the game cause we constantly drank inbetween the words.

The first time I went,  I brought a date. I remember he spent most of the evening on his phone.  Texting or on the internet.  I was chugging wine. The movie was “Beauty and the Beast” and while I don’t remember all the rules, I know we had to drink for anything said in French. I was drunk pretty quick.

After the movie ended and the party continued, my date kept saying “time to leave.” I acted like a little kid. “I don’t want to leave yet.  One more drink?” He finally gave me a curfew of midnight. (It was a weeknight.) I was acting like a defiant brat. I said okay but I need to say my goodbyes. I went to the kitchen, don’t remember how long I was there or what happened, but my date was gone when I returned to the living room. I was mad. I told the party he was such an asshole to leave me. I texted him bitching at him for leaving.

He walked in through the front door. He went out to his car to make a phone call. He asked if I was finally ready to leave. I said yes. Then I bitched at him the whole way home. I said it was embarrassing to be left alone in the party like that. I accused him of calling whomever he was texting all night. I was a drunk lunatic.

We never had another date.

Jealous Jekyll

Mistake 160- I had three people staying at my place for a weekend. We were all cyber friends from a website. Two girls and one guy that were visiting my city. The guy was dating a friend of friends and I did not know him well. But I felt I did not like him soon after he arrived. Or I was jealous because he seemed to be flirting with one of the girl who happened to be a lesbian. And I was interested in her.

I had a party Saturday night during their stay. It was a good, successful party. About twenty people in my small apartment drinking beer and wine. Close to midnight, someone suggested we go bar hop. We couldn’t play music loud that late because of the neighbours. So we all left to continue the party elsewhere across town.

Somewhere and sometime in that switch, it seemed my personality switched. The more drunk I got, the more I couldn’t shake the jealous feelings. This guy had a girlfriend but I still felt he was flirting with the object of my affection. She flirted with him, me, and everyone but I hated him for leading her on. I kept trying to tell myself it was because I felt bad for his girlfriend. But I really think I did not like having competition with a man for a woman’s attention.

I am not sure what happened, but I got mad and left. I left my three guests at the bar. I got in a taxi. They said they came out of the bar and saw me pulling away. They said I turned around, looked at them, and laughed. I do not recall that.

I must have went to another bar or club. They had a spare key so I assumed they would have no problem getting back. When I got home later, I was mad at first thinking they were still out. The couch and air mattress in the living room were empty. But when I went in my bedroom, I saw the three of them sleeping in my bed. This outraged me. I screamed at them to get out of my bed. I accused them of have a three- some in my bed (even though they were all completely dressed and still in jeans.) They started to say their excuses but I would not listen. I said I wanted them all out of my apartment. This was about 3am.

They grabbed their bags and left. The girls were crying. I was crying. I think the guy was yelling at me but I just yelled right back. I heard they all went to a train station until they could get the first trains home. I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a crazy monster.

He complained to a lot of people about my drunk rage. I defended myself that I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend and in my bed. I told everyone I felt sorry for his girlfriend and he was untrustworthy. I did not know the girlfriend but I had many mutual friends with her. They were all baffled by this story. They never knew me to act like that so he must have done something really wrong, but they also knew she was a really sweet girl and trusted her judgement about the guy.

I never talked to any of them directly again. They all deleted me from their friends list. The guy and his girlfriend are still together many years later. I see him commenting on things on Facebook and he has even responded to me about a few things and I ignore him. His responses are never malicious. But his comments trigger my shame from that night. The lesbian deleted her account from the website. The other woman from that night is still friends with many of my friends but completely avoids me. I heard someone once say she was terrified by me that night. My eyes did not look normal.

Oddly, the afternoon before the party, I was telling them that sometimes drinking makes me feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Unfortunately I proved my point.

New friends and new mistakes

Mistake 156- I was new in town and was invited to a party from a friend of a friend. I thought this was a great way to meet new people and make new friends in my new city.

I remember driving there with the plans to leave my car and take a taxi home. I remember bringing a large bottle of Diet Coke and Barcardi. I shared with everyone but I think I drank most of that rum. I met a few people and friended a few. I saw some of the people again at other parties and tried to introduce myself again because I didn’t remember meeting them the first time. Some of the people seemed to avoid me when I met them again.

There was a couple who offered to give me a ride home that night to save me the taxi fare. I was bringing a guy home I met. But the back window to their car was smashed. They had a tablet or laptop or something like that stolen plus other things. This made me not want to leave my car. The guy I was taking home offered to drive me. But he didn’t know how to drive stick. So I drove. He said he had to keep grabbing the wheel cause I was swerving. He said it was the scariest ride of his life.

The Ex Area

I have been feeling good today. Happy with myself. Happy to be sober. Thinking of all the ways my life has been better since I quit drinking.

Then I drove through the area my ex-husband is from. Where all his relatives live. My ex-in-laws. I was worried to stop for gas from fear of running into one of them. Last time I saw my ex-father-in-law was the day I signed my divorce papers. I ran into him at the post office. “What have you been up to?” he asked me that afternoon 12 years ago. “Divorcing your son” was my response. Not a very nice response.

I started to think about my ex-husband and our marriage. I know that there were a lot of reasons we did not work out, many other reasons besides my drinking problem. But if I did not drink so much, could we have solved those other problems? If I did not hate myself so much, would we have had a lot of those problems? Or if I had faith in myself and did not feel he was my last chance at love, would I have married him at all?

It brought a rush of guilty feelings. It made me wonder “what if’s”. It made me think again of all the relationships I ruined with my drinking. I really wish I realized I had a problem with alcohol when he and I split up. I do remember a phone call, or instant messenger conversation,  I had with his mom after we separated. I told her it was a shame he grew up with an alcoholic father and then married an alcoholic woman. So I did acknowledged it back then. I just was not willing to change it. Or maybe I thought I could fix it. Control it. Normalize it.

That “it” has almost destroyed my life. I am finally dealing with it. I know I can never drink again. I just hope I can put behind me all the harm it has caused.

Mistake 155- My husband and I went to a New Year’s Eve Party. It was at our old neighbor’s apartment but he moved to a new place. It was still walking distance. We got drunk and my husband wanted to leave. I refused to go. So he left and walked home. He later told me he got sick in bushes on the way home. That is better than me. I got sick in a bowl at the party. I was eating Doritos or some sort of chips. Then I just puked right into the bowl. Then I passed out in a couch. I left the next morning before anyone else woke up and walked home.

A year or so later, I ran into a guy at a bar that was at that party. He came up to me and my friends “didn’t you puke in a bowl at so-and-so’s New Year’s party?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about but it was too late. He started to laugh and I turned bright red. My friends looked horrified.

But then it was forgotten and filed away as another drunk story for which I was starting to be known.