Tag Archives: drunk

Jealousy

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately. I got back from my trip to Belize and I have been busy. I have been working a lot, reading for my class, and my mom came to visit. But the good thing is that I haven’t had time to really think about drinking. I had a friend text me today to ask how sobriety is going and I told him I don’t even crave alcohol anymore. I took my mom to a show and bought her a beer and really did not feel jealous that I could not have one. I did not desire it at all.

And I haven’t posted because I feel I am struggling to think of more mistakes to write about that I am ready to share or that I have not already posted. Every once in awhile, I will be reminded of a night or event that triggers a mistake I forgotten.

Mistake 241- This night is a bit of a blur. I had a pool party during the day. About 6 guys I know came and two girls. The one girl was visiting from another country. I remember being nervous about the party and whether people were having fun and the food and what they thought of me. I remembering trying so hard to be liked. I was in my 30s but was like a teenager having a party to impress the cool kids.

I remember being super jealous of the foreign girl. She was in the pool in her bikini, flirting and wresting with all the guys. I think there were only 3 guys in the pool. But they kept grabbing her, dunking her, and picking her up. I thought I would be too heavy for them to try to pick up. I didn’t even want to put on my bikini cause I felt super fat around this tiny girl. So I just drank a lot and stayed out of the pool. I had a crush on one of the guys and it seemed he flirted with her the most.

We all had plans to go into the city for dinner with some other friends. It was going to be at least 20 people meeting at the restaurant. I allowed everyone to use my room and bathroom to change. We all made our way to the city. I was drunk by this point. I got more drunk at dinner. After dinner, we were going to a party in another friend’s apartment. Like I said it was a blur, but I think I gave the foreign girl wrong directions. I think I had her and one of the guys get in a taxi and I said we’d meet them there and I got into another taxi with some other guys. I never saw her at the party. I never talked to her again but I just remember having such hatred and jealousy for her cause she was skinny and the guys all were giving her the attention I wanted. It was MY PARTY!

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Mistake 242- I got very drunk at that party. It was a crowded apartment. I remember having some beer, either a 6-pack but more than likely a 12-pack, and I held onto it cause I was worried it would be stolen if left in the fridge. I woke up the next day sitting in a recliner chair. I was curled up with my legs hanging over the arm on one side. I was confused as to where I was and then it slowly hit me. I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing a pair of thongs that were not mine under my skirt. I asked the hostess of the party and she said she gave them to me cause I lost mine. I later found my thongs in my purse. I have no idea how they got there or how I “lost” them. The other hostess of that party never really liked me after that night.

Quiet but dry

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I have not posted in a few days but still sober. I am on a roadtrip with a friend. I have not had time to blog or read blogs. My mood has been better. We have been having a good time. We’ve been listening to music and comedy. We listened to two Robin Williams cd’s. I really enjoyed his jokes about alcoholism. Not sure if they made my friend uncomfortable.

I have never known my friend to have a drinking problem. But I found it irritating he had to buy a 6-pack of beer last night. We are doing a lot of driving. We stop in hotels around 10 at night with plans to leave by 9am. Why does he need beer? I also do not want to become judgemental. He drank 3 of them while I went to bed. Now I need to make room in my cooler for his beers? Hell no. He will have to deal with skunk beer tonight. My yogurt gets priority.

Mistake 206- I was in Taiwan for a few days. I wanted to make an overnight trip from Taipei somewhere. I picked Sun Moon Lake. I planned to take a train there in the afternoon and hike the next day.

I spent my one night there drinking in my hotel room. Everything in the town closed by 9pm. I found one place still open for dinner and ordered a large beer. Then I stopped at 7-11 on my way to my hotel to pick up 2 more large beers. They also sold little shooters of alcohol at the counter. I bought a few.

I sat in my room, watching some lame movie that I have seen hundreds of times, and drank alone. I also messaged with an ex-boyfriend while drinking. I got a little tipsy. I woke up to see the sunrise from my hotel room. Took a photo. Went back to bed. I was too dehydrated/tired/hungover. I slept until checkout at 11pm.

I had a train to return to Taipei that afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to hike around the lake. Instead, I did a boat cruise. And drank a lot of water, green tea, and ibuprofen.

Another festival and still sober

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I went to another festival and did not drink alcohol. One thing that sucked is cans of beer were €2 but fruit smoothies and juice were €3- €4 and coffee and tea were sometimes €3. At least water was free. There were a few bars with liquor but I did not get close enough to see the prices.

This festival was an electronic music festival. I did not enjoy it overall. I like EDM (electronic dance music) but this was all psy-trance. I discovered it is not really my scene. I went because a friend invited me. Then I could not find him. I spent 3 days by myself at a festival of 20,000 people. And most of them were German, French, Spanish, Portuguese and Israeli. It was hard to strike up a conversation, especially sober. I did try to speak to a few people but their English was not great and it was too difficult to have a conversation. I spent most of my time sunbathing and walking around taking photos.

Most of the people there were on drugs rather than drinking. People walked around with signs of the specific drugs for which they were searching. Or they had signs on their tents “We need WEED” or shrooms or stuff I never heard of.  The festival had all ages but mostly people in their 20s. I did not judge them. I must say I’d rather be around people stoned than people drunk. Less violent. Even the people on psychedelic drugs seemed to be in their own world rather than bothering other people.

I think I would have enjoyed it if I went with friends or was able to find my friend. He did not give me good directions how to find him. It made me melancholy and lonely. I sat alone at times with tears in my eyes. It made me over analyze why I am single and where my life is going. Just the other day, I was glad to be traveling alone. But there is a difference between traveling alone and going to a festival alone. I left the festival early.  I am torn between being mad at him and mad at myself for not having better sober social skills.

The lowest point was Friday afternoon.  I was drinking a cup of chai and people watching.  I was approached by a German person. I could not tell the gender. This person asked me if I was attracted to men or women. “Hows do you identify?” I did not know how to respond because I could not tell if this was a come-on line.  Then he said he is a transgender woman. He then asked “oh, were you born a woman?” I loudly exclaimed yes. Then tears started in my eyes. He said “oh no. Zo zorry.  Oh no!” I wanted to yea “fuck off”. Here I was unable to make friends and the only person to approach me thought I was a man dressed as a woman. I was already feeling fat and old but his comment added ugly to the mix.

It did not make me want to drink cause I know that would not solve it. It just made me want to hide in my tent.  That was when I decided I was going to leave early. One more day of sunbathing and then I would get the first bus out of there Sunday. I really felt out of place.

Mistake 202-I was spending New Year’s in Dallas with a boyfriend. We were barhopping gay bars. I remember our taxi driver even tried to warn us to avoid those kind of bars. “Are you sure you want to go there?” All I could think was “bigot.”
After many drinks, I remember making out with a blond Asian girl. Later, my boyfriend informed me that the girl was actually a boy. I pretended that I knew but I had no clue. He laughed because he said “she” did not even do a good dressing up job. He was drunk and knew it was a guy. He said I must have had super beer-goggles on.

Mistake 203- I was in a hot tub with a guy I liked and a transgender friend. I was extremely drunk. A few days later, the transgender friend said I was playing footsies with her in the tub. I was shocked. She took it as a hint that I was interested in her. I had to apologize for the mixed signals but I was definitely not interested in her. She began to pester me after that and I eventually had to end the friendship. I was too embarrassed and scared of another drunk encounter with her.

Cleaning out the body

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I have been trying to cut out sugar and add healthy items to my diet. The main reason is to lose weight but I also just read that sugar can be as damaging to the liver as alcohol.

“More people suffer liver damage from calories [in sugar] than from alcohol. Fatty liver disease affects up to 25 per cent of people in the United States, and the deadly disease can lead to liver cancer and liver failure,” the [American Liver] foundation said in a statement.

Fatty liver disease is the result of our livers filling up with excess fat. It is normal for livers to have some fat but if you have more than 5 to 10 per cent of your liver’s weight, it’s called fatty liver.

The article goes on to list foods you should try to eat or cook with a lot for a healthier liver:

-Seaweed
-Onions 
-Egg 
-Sesame Seeds 
-Avocado 
-Artichoke 
-Fennel 
-Ginger 
-Beans.
-Fish Oil
-Flax Seeds 
-Garlic 
-Broccoli 
-Cabbage
-Cauliflower 
-Kale 
-Brussels Sprouts 
-Collard Greens 
-Basil 
-Parsley

I read before about dandelion root helping to increase bile production to cleanse out the liver. I picked some up to add to my salads.

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And I picked up liver detox tea.
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I have also been drinking one bottle of kombucha tea per day. I learned about this fermented tea while in Thailand. I used to frequent a vegetarian place that made its own kombucha. There are a lot of health benefits to this drink. It has probiotics and antioxidants. I read a few articles debating whether kombucha is okay for alcoholics or not. Since it is fermented, it might contain 0.5%-1% alcohol. But some people say alcoholics should not use mouthwash or cold medicine. With all the other liver cleansing I am doing, I do not think kombucha is going to affect my sobriety.
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I wish I would have had lab work done at the beginning of my sobriety for comparison. But I do know my cholesterol was a little elevated when I had that tested about a year ago. It would be nice to see the health progression my body achieves with sobriety.

Mistake 190- I was visiting my friend who does not drink much. It was Thanksgiving weekend. She had old high school friends also visiting. We all went out. My friend was driving. I was doing a lot of shots with her high school friends. I do not remember much of the night. But I woke up in the front passenger seat of my friend’s car. I got up in a daze and went in the house. Thankfully she left the front door unlocked. I went to the bathroom to pee and when I came out, her 8 year old daughter was standing there. “Did you puke?” No I told her. She asked where did I sleep. She did not see me on the couch. I told her I slept in the car. “I do that sometimes because I am getting too big for my mom to carry me in.” I felt so embarrassed. Passing out in the car is what little kids do. Not grown women. (Unless passenger on a road trip.)

My friend told me how I was funny at the drive thru window. “We went to a drive thru?” I do not remember any of it. She said I kept making jokes about wanting rum in my soda and I was glad she doesn’t drink because there was no way I could drive. I ate my food and passed out right away. She couldn’t wake me once we got to her house.

Rational Mind

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

The other day, I was thinking of how I seem to be more focused lately. I seem to work out issues rationally and plan a little better. I seem less discombobulated. Is this a surprise benefit of sobriety?

Then I read Soberista’s blog “Why You Shouldn’t Fear Taking the Alcohol Free Leap“. It was reassuring. It helped reinforce what I was thinking and made me even more happy that I quit drinking. “But when alcohol begins to lose its magical properties and undergoes a gradual metamorphosis into a foul, domineering, mind-twisting liquid, one which causes the drinker to regard it with equal measures of love and hatred, then it’s time to consider a life free from its influence.”

Mistake 187- I went to a wedding in California and had some bottles of wine and champagne left over from the reception. I packed one of the bottles of wine in my luggage. Since my flight was late in the day, I spent the afternoon sitting on the beach alone drinking the other bottle of red wine from a plastic cup. I poured the champagne into a large plastic water bottle. After finishing off the bottle of wine by myself, I drove to the airport to return my rental car. I checked in for my flight. Then I drank the champagne from the plastic bottle before going through security. I finished about half when I started to feel sick. I ran to the bathroom and forced myself to throw up I dumped out the rest of the champagne.  I felt better after vomiting. I went through security and then slept almost the whole flight home.

New Friend

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I feel like a little kid in kindergarten who comes home from school: “Mommy, I have a new friend!”

I went to an event last night to meet new people. I spent most of the time talking with one woman. We were talking about festivals and Portugal. I have a trip planned there soon. She was suggesting restaurants and bars I should visit. She kept telling me about bar areas in different cities. I just nodded and said “sounds fun.” I told her I like to visit museums and historical places. She did not know of any to recommend. I finally said “well I quit drinking 6 months ago.”

She said “good for you.” We talked a bit more. We chatted about festivals. The more we talked, the more drunk mistakes came to my memory. As I mentioned some, she said “well it sounds like quitting was a good idea.” She soon asked me for contact information. She wants to see photos and hear stories of my trip. We added each other on Facebook and plan to meet up for coffee when I return.

Yea! I made a new friend without booze! Proof that there is more to me than being a party girl. I want to flaunt this in the face of “friends” who don’t want to hang out with sober me.

We were chatting with another woman who was tipsy. This woman kept bending over to talk to us and her long hair kept dipping in her wine. She just squeezed the wine out of her hair and kept drinking. I was disgusted but know that I also would have kept drinking it during my boozing days. There were a lot of disgusting things I would have done.

Mistake 184- I am not sure if I was separated from my husband or not at the time. I was going to a club with two female friends and invited my husband’s friend Alaska. I remember my husband told me the first time he brought Alaska over before I met him, he saw our wedding photo and told my husband I was hot. My husband told me this with pride. After meeting, Alaska would always hit on me when my husband wasn’t around. I took it as a compliment.

I am not sure why we invited him to the club. Maybe I was trying to hook Alaska up with one of my friends. Not sure why my husband wasn’t there unless he was working or we were separated. I got trashed. I do not remember much of the night (either because this was so long ago or because I was so drunk). But I remember kissing some guy in the parking lot. One of my friends grabbed Alaska and started to make out with him so he wouldn’t see me kissing someone not my husband. Later on, she yelled at me for being so stupid to kiss a guy in front of my husband’s friend.

I think I was still with my husband because I do remember another night after we did separate where Alaska and I hooked up.

Travel for Tokens

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

If you have been following my blog, you would know that my local meetings do not give out many sobriety chips. At first I was very frustrated by this. I had to drive to a city two hours away to get my 30 day chip. I got my 90 day chip while on vacation in another city. I found it nice and convenient that I was to be traveling again for my 180th day.

I made plans to have dinner with an old friend. He and I have bickered about a lot of things in the past. When I first got sober, I stopped talking to him because of his comments about alcoholism.  He does not believe it is a disease. It is a choice.  I couldn’t handle that in my first 30 or even 60 days. I think it was near 90 days sober before I unblocked him and started to talk to him again.

He wanted to invite his roommate and roommate’s girlfriend to dinner with us. The problem is his roommate is my ex-boyfriend.  I told him I did not want them to join.  He said they might get upset if they are left out and I said “I don’t fucking care.” This guy was horrible with returning phone calls and text messages. He did not care when that hurt me. And the way we ended things was he called me about some papers and then said “you know that whatever happens, we will always be friends.” We never talked about it. We never had closure. And the last time I was in town, he canceled dinner plans with me to go see this girl. So I really did not want him and his new love joining my evening. I did not want closure with his arms wrapped around her. I could not handle that sober.

Thankfully my friend did not invite them. He and I had a great dinner. We talked and caught up. Afterwards, I felt bad that I seemed to monopolize the conversation with my recovery. He said a few times that he does not think I need to quit forever. I told him I know I do. He kept saying he thinks I can control it. If we had this talk a few months ago, I would have got angry. Instead, I just explained to him that I do not want to drink. I do not need to drink. He came up with his excuses for drinking and I told him that is fine.  I have no problem with other people drinking. I have a problem with my drinking.

After dinner, I started to drive him home. I was planning to go to a meeting. He even looked up meetings for me near his home. I was about to turn towards his street and he asked where was I going. The meeting is straight. “You want to go to the meeting with me?” He said sure. This was the first time I had someone go to a meeting with me.

It was a beginners meeting. The topic was higher power and God. I thought he would enjoy this because we discuss/debate religion and religious issues a lot. I got called on and felt like I was in school and had to write an answer on the chalkboard.  I have never been to a meeting before where they randomly call on people. But I spoke about my feelings of spirituality and using energy and the universe as my higher power. (Maybe one day I will get around to make a blog about my spirituality.) After the meeting, my friend thanked me for what I said. He thought it helped balance out all the God and Jesus talk. I think he might have enjoyed the meeting even if he does not believe everyone in that room has a disease.

There was a few minutes left and I did not see anyone with a box. I whispered to him “I guess no chip.” But then the chairperson asked for a volunteer to pass out chips. A huge smile crept across my face. They started out with 18 months. Then 12. Then 6. I jumped up like it was the lottery. I was the only person in the room accepting a chip. My friend kept clapping after everyone else was finished. It felt so wonderful.

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And then I thought I really hate my local meetings. Why do they deprive people of this awesome feeling of accepting a chip? Only 90 days and yearly chips? That does not seem like enough reinforcement.  Maybe I am just Pavlovian dog.

Mistake 182- Many years ago, I was at a party at the house of my friend that joined me at this meeting. I do not remember much (as usual). But I cheated on my girlfriend with some guy at the party. In most lesbian relationships, that is the worst betrayal. I do not remember much of the incident. The images of it are fuzzy like it didn’t really happen. Another guy witnessed it which is how I discovered what I did. Our group of friends made a joke out of it. I felt such shame because of the betrayal and the fact I had to be told by someone else what I did with my own body. Drinking controlled me. I finally gave up the losing battle of trying to control it.

180 days

Posted in 150-180 days by

Six months sober. If you are counting lunar months. But today is 180 days since my last drink. And I feel great.

I was supposed to be on a flight right now. I had to go take care of stuff in another city. I had an AA meeting planned out so I could get my 6 month chip. But the flight was cancelled due to aircraft malfunction. I did not want to bother rushing to a local meeting at home since I know they do not give out chips except for 90 days and 1 year, and they set aside one day of the month for giving out chips. I am over that now. I travel enough to find my chips elsewhere.

Instead I leave tomorrow morning. I will search for a meeting tomorrow evening. This gives me more options since there are more evening meetings than late night ones. I might call to specifically ask for a meeting that gives out chips. Should I search for a beginner’s meeting?

In a way, this delay is good. I was getting worried. I have to see an ex-boyfriend on this trip and his new girlfriend has been asking about me. She wants to know if she needs to “be worried.” Why is it she needs to be worried about me and not him? I would rather just avoid him and really avoid meeting her. She told my friend she wants to make sure I do not still have feelings for him. The truth is, I will always have feelings for him. And I hate him for that. But I don’t want him, her, or our mutual friend (his best friend and one of my oldest friends) knowing. Now that I have less time to get done what needs to get done, maybe I can avoid them.

Instead I spent my 180th day sleeping. Then I went to dinner, read some of Pete Hamill’s A Drinking Life, and treated myself to Minty Mint Chocolate chip ice cream! I think of all my treats, cake, flowers, and ice cream really are the best. Pedicures, facials and hair treatments feel more like necessities.
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There is a bar next to the ice cream parlor with a name that reminds me of a bar I used to frequent in another city.

Mistake 180- My first time at this bar, I was invited by a group of people. We all met at a dinner party at a restaurant. I was new in town. I joined them in moving the party to this bar in another section of the city. I drove there. I also texted a friend of mine that was visiting and asked her to join.

When I arrived at the bar, most of the party from dinner was inside dancing. My friend was a smoker so she and I sat outside on the patio talking. One guy from the dinner came out to buy us drinks. He was cute. I felt like I knew him. As soon as I arrived at the restaurant early that evening, I recognized his smile but I did not know from where. I was too new for him to have been a forgotten one night stand. All during dinner, he kept looking at me.

After he brought us drinks, I turned to my friend and said “oh my god I know where I know him! I think that guy has been messaging me on a dating website!” She laughed and asked to see the profile. We sat there looking at his photo and trying to figure out if it was him. It looked very similar. Same name. It had to be. He even emailed me his phone number. We came up with a plan: she would dial the number and I would go inside the bar to see if he answered. I walked in and headed towards the bathroom. And yes, I saw him leave the dance floor to go down a quiet hall and answer his phone. She told him it was a wrong number when he answered. I returned to the patio giggling.

She and I kept drinking, talking and giggling. She soon had to leave because she is a responsible person and had work the next morning. I went inside to join those that were left dancing. Only the Dating Website guy (DW guy), his friend, and a girl from the dinner party were at our table. I could tell DW guy was flirting with her. Then I had two male friends show up because they lived around the corner. They are big drinkers. Since DW guy was flirting with someone else, I turned to flirting with one of my male friends.

I ended up making out with that male friend. We ended up in a hallway in the back of the bar kissing heavily. I do not remember much of it except the other male friend walking by leaving and said “get a room!” Thankfully, that got us to stop.

The next day, I texted my friend to see how his hangover was. He said he had to call out of work. He mentioned he had his hands down my pants. I didn’t remember. He said we were lucky we were not thrown out. If our other friend did not walk by and say something, we might have tried to have sex in that hallway. We joked about it for months afterwards. We never kissed or hooked up again. It was just another mistake to sweep under the carpet of drunkeness.

And the rest of the story of Dating Website guy will have to be saved for another mistake.

Helping

Posted in 150-180 days by

I went to dinner with a friend who quit drinking a few weeks ago. He warned me he thought it would be weird to go out without a drink. He has avoided being sociable. We ordered ice tea with dinner. I did not notice if he was aching for a beer and he never said anything.

I tried to give him advice without sounding pushy. I asked if he wanted me to go with him to an AA meeting. He said he doesn’t want to do the AA thing.  I wasn’t really sure what to tell him.  I am not really active in AA. I felt suggesting it was sort of a cop-out to actually helping him.  Then again,  I think everyone should at least try it.  Go to a meeting.  For me,  there is always at least one thing I hear in that whole hour that helps me. Maybe I just don’t want to feel the responsibility of being the only person with whom he can share his sobriety feelings.

My sister has been battling a lot emotional problems the last few years.  We stopped speaking three years ago because she had some mental breakdowns. She started leaving me nasty voicemails and texting me a lot of mean things while she was drunk. A lot has happened since then. But that is her story.

She is now trying to get help and go sober. Yet because of all the problems she has caused and the horrible things she has done,  no one in our family is talking to her. Her kids do not even want to talk to her.

She has started to message me recently. This has caused some strife in my family in a sort of “with her/against us” mentality.  But I know how important it is to have support when trying to get sober. I have sent her a few links to try to help.  She is getting professional help. I plan to check in and try to support her from afar. I am also worried about getting too involved in her problems and it hindering my recovery.

Mistake 178- When she started her nasty messages to me,  they started with accusations of an incident from the early 1990s.

I was drunk and ran into her old, high school boyfriend. We were in a military bar in another country. It was his birthday. A bunch of us were drinking pitchers of beer. With straws. We had long straws stuck in the large pitchers! Everyone was drinking and getting drunk like young military people tend to do. And somewhere in the night, he and I started to kiss. We left the bar and went somewhere else. We started to kiss heavily. He dropped to his knees and started some oral pleasantries.  Then when he tried to go to the next step, I stopped him. I said I couldn’t do this. He dated my sister. This was wrong. He seemed disappointed but was fine. We returned to the bar and acted like nothing happened.

I wrote about it in my journal. My sister later read my whole journal. Since in the journal it said he and I “hooked up”, she thought it meant intercourse. When she confronted me, I told her it meant just making out. I am not sure if I ever told her about the oral. But to this day, she swears I fucked him.  I am not sure if “only oral” is any less worse. What is actually worse is that I stopped from going further because of his past relationship with my sister but the fact that I was married at the time was not a reason to stop.

Happy Hour

Posted in 150-180 days by

I went to a happy hour last night. Not the best place for a person in recovery, right? But I had fun. I went there to meet other people that go to the festivals I enjoy. I planned to try to ask around if anyone knew of any sober festival goers, but I got wrapped up in conversations about projects and volunteering. I really enjoyed myself. I had a group of people whom with I shared a different experiences outside of parties.

This particular place had a water cooler next to the bar. I could help myself to as much water as I wanted rather than having to ask the bartender and wait. They had a trivia night going on in the main room and I started remembering how much I loved bar trivia night. Would I now kick ass at bar trivia against drunk people?

I spent most of my time there talking with one woman. I got there 2 hours after the happy hour started and she was obviously drunk. I now find it hard to have conversations with drunk people but it also reminds me of what I used to be like. I spoke with a few other people. I was proud that I was meeting people without liquor lubrication.

I am not going to make happy hour a common evening. This one had a specific theme. I don’t think I could have handle it three to six months ago without caving in and getting a beer. But it was a “happy hour” because I definitely left there happy.

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Mistake 177- I went to a “white party”. It was not a race thing.  It meant everyone had to wear white. I had a flowing white skirt, white tank top, and white blouse. I was drinking before the party and drinking lots at the party. I went out to dinner with friends after the white party. They said I kept swaying my head. They thought I was going to pass out in my food.

A guy who knew my friends offered to give me a ride home.  But I was too drunk to give him directions. I just moved there and could not remember the address. My driver’s license did not have my new address because I was living there temporarily.  So he drove me to his place with plans to drive me to my car in the morning.  But once at his place,  I started to make the moves on him. I ended up in his bed. I do not remember the night and had to ask him his name the next day.

We started dating. A month later,  we turned it into an exclusive relationship. Then it ended a month later.  I think I was always self-conscious of the way we met. But he had his own emotional issues.