You know you are an alcoholic when you sit in an AA meeting and think of how it could turn into a drinking game. Drink everytime you hear “higher power”, “it works if you work it”, or “the Big Book.”

Of course it would be a coffee drinking game.

The number seems so small to the length of sobriety I had. But I am still sober (again.) Spent the last few days of my vacation reading my book “Buddhism and the Twelve Steps”. I still need to read the Big Book and combine what I learn from this book with that. I have been making mental lists of who I need to make amends to. Also, I need to reboot this blog and go back to listing my mistakes. I need to reread what I have already written so I don’t repeat myself.

But I feel more positive about starting over than when I first got sober. I also realize that staying sober is an active state. It is not gonna just happen. I do need to work for it.

I got a spa package today that included a glass of sparkling wine. While I waited for my waitress, I sincerely considered it. “Just one since it is included. Then water.”

WTF. I just went through the “just one” thoughts 2 weeks ago. I remember where that got me but here I was thinking of trying it again.

Even if I had just one, once the alcohol gets in my blood, I start craving. I start obsessing. I start thinking of nothing else but wanting that numbness.

Instead I asked if there was anything nonalcoholic I could get with the package. “Of course. We have a sparkling juice instead with orange juice, lemon juice and grenadine.”

See. Just ask. You will be surprised how many places will accommodate us that can’t booze.

Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting in another country. They have an English speaking meeting 5 nights a week. I missed the meeting my first night due to jetlag. Then I went on Friday. I really enjoyed it. It felt good to finally share about my relapse. It was interesting to hear about the stories of alcoholics from around the world. I liked that they have chips, including monthly chips for the first year. I am not gonna focus on the chips this time round. Most of them were going out for dinner after and invited me. I wish I joined them but I was really tired and had a tour early the next morning.

As I was leaving the meeting, a man yelled to me “don’t go to the pub!” I am glad he did. I kept that in my mind as I walked past many pubs on the way back to my hotel. I kept it in mind when I stopped in the store to buy water and saw beers cheaper. I kept it in mind today when I thought how nice it was to have strangers care about my sobriety.

I spent all day on a tour with plans to go to the meeting as soon as we returned to the city. But we got back late. I was 30 minutes late to the meeting. I was very glad I went for two reasons.

First, I met two women on the tour. We chatted about the pros and cons of solo travel. We compared our plans for this trip and admired each other’s photos. Then they made plans to go out for drinks afterwards and invited me. I declined because I had plans to meet other people. I just didn’t say those people were a group of alcoholics.

Second, I asked the tour bus driver to drop me off by the lake rather than my hotel. He said that was no problem. I was last person on the bus. He asked where by the lake and I said “on the other side.” There was a small road that went down that side of the lake with the AA building. He asked “a guesthouse?” I gave the address. “Ohhh I was wondering. Welcome to the club. I have 15 years.”

I wanted to hug him but he was driving a bus. I was so thrilled to share this sort of secret code. I told him I was 11 days again after a year and 4 months sober. He wished me good luck and happy travels.

I won’t be able to attend anymore meetings this week here because I will be on a roadtrip. But those 2 meetings gave me fuel to stay strong. I have my Big Book I have been reading with meals. I have other club members around me whether I know it or not.

These are not mine. I found these when I was unpacking into my new place a few months ago. I originally found them in a house I rented 12 years ago. That house was full of abandoned things. The previous tenant lived there for years and then moved out quite quickly. I asked why and was told her boyfriend died suddenly and she moved into his house. It was traumatic so she left everything behind. I was happy cause I needed a lot of the furniture and kitchen things she left. And I would get drunk and search the boxes and stuff in the basement. I called it “treasure hunting.”

I remember she had a niece. I found photos. Other toys. A Fisher Price record player. Or at least I always assumed it was a niece.  I never asked. She had some old clothes that I turned into costumes. Antique kitchen utensils I still have hanging now. She had an old, electric hand mixer that still works (and probably better than any new one I could buy now.)

I found these tokens in a box of old stamps and Japanese coins. I kept them because this was shortly after my first DUI and experience with AA. Did I, deep down, think I would try to go sober one day?

I always assumed they belonged to the lady that lived there that left quickly. Which makes me wonder about her. Was she like me? Were those photos a niece? Or a daughter of whom she lost custody? Did the traumatic death trigger her to relapse? Is she sober now? Is she alive? Were those her coins? Maybe they belonged to her boyfriend? Maybe alcoholism was the reason for the traumatic death?

I have been thinking of my dad lately. Father’s day is coming up. Plus his birthday. Plus his deathday. He died from lung cancer, not his alcoholism.  As a kid, I always suspected he would die from cancer. I just wondered if it would be lung or skin because he was a sun worshipper in summer. I never considered the alcohol killing him. Not many people do. We don’t think of what it does to our insides.  It rots our body. It kills our veins. Would my dad have been able to fight his lung cancer if his immune system was not already destroyed by alcoholism? 

I can not answer any of those questions. I can only find the answers for my life. For my sobriety. For my happiness.