thoughts while slipping

The day I relapsed, I wrote about it in my journal while I was drinking. I hate the term relapse though. To me, that envisions giving up and drinking a lot more than I did. To me, a relapse lasts days, weeks, months or more. My slip was 1 day and then 1 more day. It was a slip. Here is my journal entries:

22 May 2015

…I walked more but was hungry two hours later. I stopped at a place on the waterfront. Upstairs had a nice view of the bay and a beautiful breeze. The waiter suggested fish or lobster with shrimp. I opted for the fish. And when he suggested “mojito”, I gave in. Today is 1 year and 4 months of no alcohol. I could blame it on seeing bottles and signs of rum everywhere. Or maybe cause I am feeling lonely. I thought “maybe just one drink.” After a few sips, I took a gulp of rum through the straw. It was like kissing an old lover that I never forgot. One that used to abuse me but at that second, I missed his tasty lips. Sparks flew. Our passion was rekindled.

I swore only one. But when I finished it and was still not done lunch, I thought “maybe a beer?” Might as well. I already broke my sobriety. I should have a beer but sip it to last the rest of lunch. Then I will stop. I feel ashamed but also debating if I will tell anyone about this.

So one mojito and half a beer and I feel tipsy. I am glad my high tolerance is gone. I am not sure if I will drink more or not the next few days. I don’t want to get drunk and lose something. And I am worried about what it will do to my brain and body.

“A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffering.”- Buddha

Is a sober world an illusion? Is having a few drinks ending my suffering of struggling to stay sober?
____________
After I left the restaurant, I kept thinking of getting another drink. I wanted to chase the buzz. I figured “why not!” I would start sobriety again tomorrow. I will just drink a little throughout today.
____________
I stopped at a bar to read my guidebook. I ordered 2 beers. Then I walked, took photos, and got a taxi to the waterfront. I watched the sunset. Then I went to another restaurant for dinner and a beer. I sat outside with the evening breeze and continued to watch the sun setting. I noticed the sunset was prettier once the sun was gone. I am trying to think of a metaphor for that but I am feeling drunk. After the light is gone, beauty arises?
_____________
I went walking along the waterfront. I had my headphones on and was feeling good. Later I regretted having my headphone on cause I missed a bunch of live music. A lot of guys made comments at me. Some looked like teenagers. It was a nice ego boost for a woman about to turn 40. Then I got lost. I finally hailed a taxi and was a good thing because I was walking in the complete wrong direction. But I now sit in a cigar bar, full of smoke, and one waitress for the whole place. I am gonna order one rum and Coke and then bed.
___________

23 May 2015

Back on sober track. After my rum and Coke last night, I had a daiquiri because that bar was famous for them. Then on my way back to my hotel, I wanted one more drink. There were people stopping people on the street to bring up to a bar. It was very small place with 5 tables and a 2-guy band. It was all old men and 2 female waitresses/bartenders. As I was finishing my beer, some pretty, young girls came in. They all had very short dresses on. They approached the old men. It seemed there was one young woman for each old man. They either danced or the girls sat very close to the men. I think they were prostitutes. The men looked to be in their 50s and big while these girls could have been their daughters. What kind of place was I in!

I was only buzzed at the most yesterday but I did not sleep well. I woke up a bit hungover. I kept hitting snooze for one hour. Already having a night of drinking affecting my vacation. My day of slipping was 6 beers and 3 mixed drinks. Evidence of not being a moderate drinker!

25 May 2015

written while drunk:

    Why Do I drink (did drink?!)

I drink to feel loved
I drink to feel wanted
to be accepted
to be popular
I like the fuzz
the buzz
It feels innocent and
takes me back to childhood
before depression
before identity
before self hatred.

But it doens’t keep me there.
It creates an illusion.
Magical
But magic if fake.
It is not real
Sobriety is real.
Truth is real.

I need real.

26 May 2015

So I drank again last night. Then I met a guy. We bar hopped for places that were still open. Then I took him back to my hotel with me. We had sex. I had a tampon still in. I don’t even remember if it was good or not. We tried to have sex again this morning but I was too tired and hungover. Not sure if we will stay in touch or ever see each other again. I am ashamed and feel guilty. I have not had sex for over a year and was hoping to break that when I found someone I cared for. Instead I threw it away on some guy that gave me a compliment in a bar. I feel sick from the hangover and guilt. I wasted my last day sleeping and popping advil. I am still not sure I will tell anyone. Can I go back and pretend it never happened? I will start going to more meetings when I get home, find a sponsor, and work the steps finally.

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Drinking Game

You know you are an alcoholic when you sit in an AA meeting and think of how it could turn into a drinking game. Drink everytime you hear “higher power”, “it works if you work it”, or “the Big Book.”

Of course it would be a coffee drinking game.

16 days

The number seems so small to the length of sobriety I had. But I am still sober (again.) Spent the last few days of my vacation reading my book “Buddhism and the Twelve Steps”. I still need to read the Big Book and combine what I learn from this book with that. I have been making mental lists of who I need to make amends to. Also, I need to reboot this blog and go back to listing my mistakes. I need to reread what I have already written so I don’t repeat myself.

But I feel more positive about starting over than when I first got sober. I also realize that staying sober is an active state. It is not gonna just happen. I do need to work for it.

Just ask

I got a spa package today that included a glass of sparkling wine. While I waited for my waitress, I sincerely considered it. “Just one since it is included. Then water.”

WTF. I just went through the “just one” thoughts 2 weeks ago. I remember where that got me but here I was thinking of trying it again.

Even if I had just one, once the alcohol gets in my blood, I start craving. I start obsessing. I start thinking of nothing else but wanting that numbness.

Instead I asked if there was anything nonalcoholic I could get with the package. “Of course. We have a sparkling juice instead with orange juice, lemon juice and grenadine.”

See. Just ask. You will be surprised how many places will accommodate us that can’t booze.

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My first vacation AA

Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting in another country. They have an English speaking meeting 5 nights a week. I missed the meeting my first night due to jetlag. Then I went on Friday. I really enjoyed it. It felt good to finally share about my relapse. It was interesting to hear about the stories of alcoholics from around the world. I liked that they have chips, including monthly chips for the first year. I am not gonna focus on the chips this time round. Most of them were going out for dinner after and invited me. I wish I joined them but I was really tired and had a tour early the next morning.

As I was leaving the meeting, a man yelled to me “don’t go to the pub!” I am glad he did. I kept that in my mind as I walked past many pubs on the way back to my hotel. I kept it in mind when I stopped in the store to buy water and saw beers cheaper. I kept it in mind today when I thought how nice it was to have strangers care about my sobriety.

I spent all day on a tour with plans to go to the meeting as soon as we returned to the city. But we got back late. I was 30 minutes late to the meeting. I was very glad I went for two reasons.

First, I met two women on the tour. We chatted about the pros and cons of solo travel. We compared our plans for this trip and admired each other’s photos. Then they made plans to go out for drinks afterwards and invited me. I declined because I had plans to meet other people. I just didn’t say those people were a group of alcoholics.

Second, I asked the tour bus driver to drop me off by the lake rather than my hotel. He said that was no problem. I was last person on the bus. He asked where by the lake and I said “on the other side.” There was a small road that went down that side of the lake with the AA building. He asked “a guesthouse?” I gave the address. “Ohhh I was wondering. Welcome to the club. I have 15 years.”

I wanted to hug him but he was driving a bus. I was so thrilled to share this sort of secret code. I told him I was 11 days again after a year and 4 months sober. He wished me good luck and happy travels.

I won’t be able to attend anymore meetings this week here because I will be on a roadtrip. But those 2 meetings gave me fuel to stay strong. I have my Big Book I have been reading with meals. I have other club members around me whether I know it or not.

To Thine Own Self

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These are not mine. I found these when I was unpacking into my new place a few months ago. I originally found them in a house I rented 12 years ago. That house was full of abandoned things. The previous tenant lived there for years and then moved out quite quickly. I asked why and was told her boyfriend died suddenly and she moved into his house. It was traumatic so she left everything behind. I was happy cause I needed a lot of the furniture and kitchen things she left. And I would get drunk and search the boxes and stuff in the basement. I called it “treasure hunting.”

I remember she had a niece. I found photos. Other toys. A Fisher Price record player. Or at least I always assumed it was a niece.  I never asked. She had some old clothes that I turned into costumes. Antique kitchen utensils I still have hanging now. She had an old, electric hand mixer that still works (and probably better than any new one I could buy now.)

I found these tokens in a box of old stamps and Japanese coins. I kept them because this was shortly after my first DUI and experience with AA. Did I, deep down, think I would try to go sober one day?

I always assumed they belonged to the lady that lived there that left quickly. Which makes me wonder about her. Was she like me? Were those photos a niece? Or a daughter of whom she lost custody? Did the traumatic death trigger her to relapse? Is she sober now? Is she alive? Were those her coins? Maybe they belonged to her boyfriend? Maybe alcoholism was the reason for the traumatic death?

I have been thinking of my dad lately. Father’s day is coming up. Plus his birthday. Plus his deathday. He died from lung cancer, not his alcoholism.  As a kid, I always suspected he would die from cancer. I just wondered if it would be lung or skin because he was a sun worshipper in summer. I never considered the alcohol killing him. Not many people do. We don’t think of what it does to our insides.  It rots our body. It kills our veins. Would my dad have been able to fight his lung cancer if his immune system was not already destroyed by alcoholism? 

I can not answer any of those questions. I can only find the answers for my life. For my sobriety. For my happiness.