Summer Solstice

Happy Summer Solstice everyone! Or I guess it is over in most of the world by now. I enjoyed it at a backyard party. They had Mexican theme. I met a lot of people and caught up with two old friends. And once again, I stayed sober.

They had a lot of specialty drinks. Bloody Marys made with tequila so they called them Bloody Marias instead. Mimosas with orange juice or lemonade.  Lots and lots of beer. This bin was full and this is what is left:

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If I was drinking, it would be empty. I am spending the night at the house. So I would have used that as an excuse to drink more. But I am not sure what “more” would have been compared to my normal drinking. A 6 pack a night? I brought 3 large jugs of ice tea. I mixed some with lemonade.

I don’t think anyone got trashed. Is this what parties normally looked like but I never noticed because I was usually too drunk? There was only one girl that seemed tipsy and she is also spending the night. Maybe everyone did not drink much because they were driving and were being responsible. That was a foreign custom to me.

I met people without liquid lubrication. I joked around with people. I enjoyed conversations. While there were a few moments of uncomfortable silence, it seemed to be a mutual feeling. It was much better than making an intoxicated fool of myself.

There was no real moment where I desired alcohol. My only problem was being conscious if I started to mention my sobriety too much.  I didn’t want to be a buzzkill. If I started to bitch about how drinking was such a problem for me,  I would try to change the subject. This was a party.  Not rehab. Not AA. My two friends don’t mind talking with me about it but this was not the environment for that. 

My first summer party sober. Yea!

Mistake 152- My last trip to Goa, I sat on the beach all day drinking alone. I got drunk. In the late afternoon, I started to walk back to my guesthouse. I got lost.  I tried to ask for directions. People in India tend to give answers even if they do not know the correct explanation. I heard they think it is rude to not know so they make up responses. So this guy gave me the wrong directions.

It was hot. Over 90 F degrees. I was drunk and lost. I was getting irritated.  I texted a local friend to ask for help. He responded that he did not know what I expected him to do. He did not know where I was. I tried to describe where I was and wanted him to come pick me up. It was not as if I sent him my GPS coordinates. He told me I was being ridiculous.

I started to text him very rude responses. Called him “useless”. I then started to accuse him of trying to use me.  I was very mean in every text. He finally told me to grow up.  Then the messages turned depressing. I started to say he doesn’t know what it is like to fantasize about dying. He called me a drama queen. I told him no,  I was a “suicidal alcoholic”. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.

I don’t remember all the texts messages but I know that they went along those lines. As I was walking and texting on a road in India, I was crying.  A taxi motorbike stopped and I got a ride back to my guesthouse.  (Thankfully it wasn’t some stranger on a bike taking advantage of drunk foreigner.) I deleted all my friend’s messages that night. He last text me the next day saying he hopes I get some help. I responded “fuck off.” I deleted all emails and contact I had with him. 

I don’t know why I reacted like that.  Was I crying for help?  This was a little over a year ago.  Was I realizing my drinking was destroying me? Was I just being a drunk drama queen? Was I scared of being lost in Goa and lost in life?

Summer solstice is a time of rebirth. I feel I am leaving so much confusion and destitution behind in my past. I am being reborn into a sober me.

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