And memories keep resurfacing…

Sometimes, I get worried I will not remember 365 mistakes. Then other days, I feel I will have no problem coming up with one daily. It is amazing how one little thing will trigger a new regret.

“Oh wow, I forgot about that night.”

A month ago, I slacked in daily blogging and coming up with mistakes. I was busy with finishing my online class. I returned to those entries and filled in daily mistakes. During those days of not blogging, I felt a little struggle at times. Thoughts of “drinking in moderation one day” started to seep in my mind.  Once I returned to daily posts again, those thoughts were pushed away. Sober blogging has helped me so much more than any AA meeting could.

Mistake 185- I mentioned my husband’s friend Alaska yesterday and the time I cheated on my husband by kissing another guy while partying with this friend. After I separated from my husband, Alaska invited me over one night. The memories of the evening are foggy. I was drunk when I drove over there. I remember being impressed he drank good beer. We drank lots of it. He started to tell me how he was always interested in me and my husband was dumb to let me go.  I remember we had sex on the rug. And I remember him begging me not to tell my husband. I laughed. Why would I tell my estranged husband I just fucked one of his closest friends? I don’t think I stayed there. We were worried my husband would see my car out front. I was drunk still when I drove back to wherever I was starting at the time. 
I remember mixed emotions afterwards. I felt shame. And triumphant. I felt like it was revenge against my husband. I felt confident that another man still wanted me. I think a small part of me fantasized about a relationship with him.

Though still not sure if I would have done that if I was not drunk.

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New Friend

I feel like a little kid in kindergarten who comes home from school: “Mommy, I have a new friend!”

I went to an event last night to meet new people. I spent most of the time talking with one woman. We were talking about festivals and Portugal. I have a trip planned there soon. She was suggesting restaurants and bars I should visit. She kept telling me about bar areas in different cities. I just nodded and said “sounds fun.” I told her I like to visit museums and historical places. She did not know of any to recommend. I finally said “well I quit drinking 6 months ago.”

She said “good for you.” We talked a bit more. We chatted about festivals. The more we talked, the more drunk mistakes came to my memory. As I mentioned some, she said “well it sounds like quitting was a good idea.” She soon asked me for contact information. She wants to see photos and hear stories of my trip. We added each other on Facebook and plan to meet up for coffee when I return.

Yea! I made a new friend without booze! Proof that there is more to me than being a party girl. I want to flaunt this in the face of “friends” who don’t want to hang out with sober me.

We were chatting with another woman who was tipsy. This woman kept bending over to talk to us and her long hair kept dipping in her wine. She just squeezed the wine out of her hair and kept drinking. I was disgusted but know that I also would have kept drinking it during my boozing days. There were a lot of disgusting things I would have done.

Mistake 184- I am not sure if I was separated from my husband or not at the time. I was going to a club with two female friends and invited my husband’s friend Alaska. I remember my husband told me the first time he brought Alaska over before I met him, he saw our wedding photo and told my husband I was hot. My husband told me this with pride. After meeting, Alaska would always hit on me when my husband wasn’t around. I took it as a compliment.

I am not sure why we invited him to the club. Maybe I was trying to hook Alaska up with one of my friends. Not sure why my husband wasn’t there unless he was working or we were separated. I got trashed. I do not remember much of the night (either because this was so long ago or because I was so drunk). But I remember kissing some guy in the parking lot. One of my friends grabbed Alaska and started to make out with him so he wouldn’t see me kissing someone not my husband. Later on, she yelled at me for being so stupid to kiss a guy in front of my husband’s friend.

I think I was still with my husband because I do remember another night after we did separate where Alaska and I hooked up.

Travel for Tokens

If you have been following my blog, you would know that my local meetings do not give out many sobriety chips. At first I was very frustrated by this. I had to drive to a city two hours away to get my 30 day chip. I got my 90 day chip while on vacation in another city. I found it nice and convenient that I was to be traveling again for my 180th day.

I made plans to have dinner with an old friend. He and I have bickered about a lot of things in the past. When I first got sober, I stopped talking to him because of his comments about alcoholism.  He does not believe it is a disease. It is a choice.  I couldn’t handle that in my first 30 or even 60 days. I think it was near 90 days sober before I unblocked him and started to talk to him again.

He wanted to invite his roommate and roommate’s girlfriend to dinner with us. The problem is his roommate is my ex-boyfriend.  I told him I did not want them to join.  He said they might get upset if they are left out and I said “I don’t fucking care.” This guy was horrible with returning phone calls and text messages. He did not care when that hurt me. And the way we ended things was he called me about some papers and then said “you know that whatever happens, we will always be friends.” We never talked about it. We never had closure. And the last time I was in town, he canceled dinner plans with me to go see this girl. So I really did not want him and his new love joining my evening. I did not want closure with his arms wrapped around her. I could not handle that sober.

Thankfully my friend did not invite them. He and I had a great dinner. We talked and caught up. Afterwards, I felt bad that I seemed to monopolize the conversation with my recovery. He said a few times that he does not think I need to quit forever. I told him I know I do. He kept saying he thinks I can control it. If we had this talk a few months ago, I would have got angry. Instead, I just explained to him that I do not want to drink. I do not need to drink. He came up with his excuses for drinking and I told him that is fine.  I have no problem with other people drinking. I have a problem with my drinking.

After dinner, I started to drive him home. I was planning to go to a meeting. He even looked up meetings for me near his home. I was about to turn towards his street and he asked where was I going. The meeting is straight. “You want to go to the meeting with me?” He said sure. This was the first time I had someone go to a meeting with me.

It was a beginners meeting. The topic was higher power and God. I thought he would enjoy this because we discuss/debate religion and religious issues a lot. I got called on and felt like I was in school and had to write an answer on the chalkboard.  I have never been to a meeting before where they randomly call on people. But I spoke about my feelings of spirituality and using energy and the universe as my higher power. (Maybe one day I will get around to make a blog about my spirituality.) After the meeting, my friend thanked me for what I said. He thought it helped balance out all the God and Jesus talk. I think he might have enjoyed the meeting even if he does not believe everyone in that room has a disease.

There was a few minutes left and I did not see anyone with a box. I whispered to him “I guess no chip.” But then the chairperson asked for a volunteer to pass out chips. A huge smile crept across my face. They started out with 18 months. Then 12. Then 6. I jumped up like it was the lottery. I was the only person in the room accepting a chip. My friend kept clapping after everyone else was finished. It felt so wonderful.

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And then I thought I really hate my local meetings. Why do they deprive people of this awesome feeling of accepting a chip? Only 90 days and yearly chips? That does not seem like enough reinforcement.  Maybe I am just Pavlovian dog.

Mistake 182- Many years ago, I was at a party at the house of my friend that joined me at this meeting. I do not remember much (as usual). But I cheated on my girlfriend with some guy at the party. In most lesbian relationships, that is the worst betrayal. I do not remember much of the incident. The images of it are fuzzy like it didn’t really happen. Another guy witnessed it which is how I discovered what I did. Our group of friends made a joke out of it. I felt such shame because of the betrayal and the fact I had to be told by someone else what I did with my own body. Drinking controlled me. I finally gave up the losing battle of trying to control it.

Staying here a bit longer

My job offered to extend my contract for however long I am willing to stay. I wrote out a pro and cons list and shared it with my friends on Facebook. The one pro I did not list to share with my friends seems like one of the biggest: I got sober here and feel safe staying sober here.

I was looking forward to moving and starting over in a new place. New job. New apartment. But I would be with old party friends. And new coworkers. New environment. New stresses and worries. New AA groups.

Okay I wouldn’t mind the new AA groups since I haven’t really liked the ones in my area too much and I hate that they rarely give out chips.

But I am slightly worried what moving will do to my sobriety. At least here I am near my mom, who has gone from not understanding alcoholism to being my biggest sober supporter. She still doesn’t understand it but she knows I can not drink any alcohol. And she is thrilled every time I tell her how long I have been sober. Also, I want to spend more time with my mom. She needs my support with family issues as much as I have needed her support.

I am negotiating the contract and pay. I am excited. I might even keep staying until after Christmas. And after my 1st year of sobriety. Maybe then I can handle moving a bit better. I will be taking off 5 unpaid weeks for previous plans. The manager already told me that is fine. I like my coworkers. I like my job. This should be a good opportunity for me in so many ways.

Mistake 174- I wrote the last two days about parties I went to called Drunk Disney. Well I have a friend that I used to go to Disneyland with and we usually ended up calling the days “Drunk Disney.” We were upset the first time we went to discover no alcohol was served in Disneyland. But we learned they served it across in the other park California Adventures. And also in Downtown Disney. We would get drunk for lunch. Once, we filled a 24 ounce water bottle with white wine. It looked like electrolytes added to water. We have photos of us taking turns chugging the wine while wearing those big Mickey Mouse gloves.

Once, we got drunk and then went to some bar in Downtown Disney after the park closed. Or at least I was drunk. The bar was in the middle if the walkway. She wasn’t drinking anymore since she was driving us home. I ordered a large glass of red wine. Then I thought of going to visit the guy I was dating after she dropped me off. I texted him asking if I could come over.

His response was he “thinks we are moving too fast.” This was 2 days after he gave me spare keys to his apartment. I was hurt, confused, and mad. And my response was to drink to forget my feelings. I started ordering shots. My friend said she didn’t think that was a good idea. I lied “only one or two.” I ordered more when she went to the bathroom.

Then she started getting sweet text messages from the guy she was dating. That mad me jealous. I was basically no longer wanted by a guy and she is sharing with me that she was still wanted. I started making rude, bitchy comments. I bashed the guy she was dating. She told the bartender to cut me off. We had to leave. She had work early the next day. I was not nice to whole ride home.

Poor pity me.

We still did our Drunken Disney days and remained friends. She is one of my sober supporters now.

New friends and new mistakes

Mistake 156- I was new in town and was invited to a party from a friend of a friend. I thought this was a great way to meet new people and make new friends in my new city.

I remember driving there with the plans to leave my car and take a taxi home. I remember bringing a large bottle of Diet Coke and Barcardi. I shared with everyone but I think I drank most of that rum. I met a few people and friended a few. I saw some of the people again at other parties and tried to introduce myself again because I didn’t remember meeting them the first time. Some of the people seemed to avoid me when I met them again.

There was a couple who offered to give me a ride home that night to save me the taxi fare. I was bringing a guy home I met. But the back window to their car was smashed. They had a tablet or laptop or something like that stolen plus other things. This made me not want to leave my car. The guy I was taking home offered to drive me. But he didn’t know how to drive stick. So I drove. He said he had to keep grabbing the wheel cause I was swerving. He said it was the scariest ride of his life.

Mindgames

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Unknown

I have a friend that posted that on Facebook. Then her friends all agreed. I thought “unless you had blackouts like the way most of my nights ended.” She is a party girl. I don’t know if I would say she has a problem or not. But I am happy that I am trying to discover a different life for myself.

I was at the gym last night on the elliptical trainer. I noticed this machine had a television with a plug for headphones. I do not watch much television but I do like the show Scandal. I got excited that I can work out for an hour on this machine on Thursdays while watching the show. But last night I watched a show called Mindgames starring Christian Slater and Steve Zahn. “The show is about two brothers who run a problem solving firm that employs solutions based on psychological manipulation.” They use psychology to change people’s minds. I thought “wow I could really use that company to change my alcoholic mind!” Maybe I will start to watch this show.

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It got me thinking how just staying sober is not gonna be enough. I need to change me. I need to find a way that I can be around people drinking and not be tempted. I need to not get mad at liquor commercials on TV. I need to not be angry that I can not drink alcohol. I am actually starting to forget the good taste of my favorite beers and wine and rums. I need to stay away from even SMELLING such beverages to avoid triggering any desire. Image

I need to start reading more than just memoirs. I need to add self-help and psychology books about changing my thoughts and fighting this disease. I need to start doing meditation. I have meditation books, music, and scented pillow I bought in Nepal. I just need to make the time to do it. I have been interested in meditation for the last two years as a treatment for my mild ADHD. Now I hope to use it to fight my boozer brain.

Mistake #52- Meeting the the friend that posted the quote at the beginning of this post:

I met her online. I can not remember if it was Friendster or Myspace or another social network. But I love traveling and I have traveled a lot to meet cyber friends in real life. So I planned a trip to visit and meet her.

That morning of my fight, I checked in at the airport, went through security, and sat down to have a coffee and bagel. I looked up at the television screen to hear a report on CNN say “Today is not a day you want to be flying anywhere.” Great. There were snowstorms all over the northeast and midwest and most airports were closed down due to weather. It pretty much screwed up flights all over the country because flights were canceled or delayed. My flight was delayed three times within an hour and half. Everyone was scrambling to get their flights changed. I always feel sorry for those people that work at airline counters during such times. I finally got a flight schedule later in the day. But even that was delayed due to mechanical problems.

My friend was cool enough and understood all the delays. Instead of arriving in the late afternoon, I arrived late at night. Her friends were at the bar. She said she will pick my up at the airport and then we will meet up with her friends. Then my bag was lost! So she brought a tshirt for me to wear out to the bar so I will feel a little fresher.

I drank at the airport all day. But when I got to the bar with my friend, I still felt way behind her friends’ state of intoxication. Also, I didn’t know anyone except for my Cyber friend and this was our first time meeting in person. So I drank a lot and drank quickly to feel more at ease and try to catch up. Lots of beers and shots. Lots of shots. I do not remember any of her friends I met. But I got super drunk. I caught up and surpassed them.

I woke up the next day in my friend’s bed. She slept on the couch. She gave me some juice and advil. I apologized for getting so drunk. Since she was a party girl, she understood. I asked if I did anything stupid.

“Oh nothing besides trying to kiss me and get me in bed with you.” She laughed and I blushed. I guess I should add that she and her friends are all lesbians.