I was listening to the radio yesterday morning. They were discussing reactions to finding out your significant other posed nude for a magazine. Some people said it would not bother them but the secret kept from them would bother them. Then they started asking if they all had dark secrets th at no one else knows or they don’t share with husbands and wives.

It made me think of my dark DUI secrets. I do tell some friends and usually it is shaken off because they know others that got arrested for drunk driving or they got caught themselves.

But how many of those people crashed a year old car into a ditch? How many spent a week in jail instead of one night in the “drunk tank”? Yet after two months of sobriety after my release, I went back to partying and drinking.

Will I confess my DUI to future relationships? Will I reveal the details to them? It seems anytime I fill out an application for anything (job, apartment,  travel visas), I must answer whether I have ever been convicted of a crime. Everyone tells me that it should not have to be disclosed unless it happened within so many years (five, seven, ten?) But when I fill out forms, they always ask EVER convicted. It will follow me forever.

It wasn’t just a mistake. It was not some normal slip of the mind. I put my life and other lives at risk. And I did not learn a lesson because an alcoholic puts her addiction before anything else. I avoided driving drunk again for a few years by living in areas with great public transportation systems. But four years later after my last DUI, I had a few incidences where I have no idea how I drove home.  Hit a wall in a parking lot once and don’t remember it.  Had friends tell me horror stories of being the passenger in my car but letting me drive because they couldn’t drive manual shift. I am sure a third DUI will happen if I drink again.

Now I am worried about a visa application for a country. I had to list that I was arrested twice.  I am going to the consulate tomorrow.  I have my arrest ticket, court papers, and letters that I completed mandated alcohol programs. I hope the DUIs do not make them decline my application.

I need to blog about the whole DUI and jail experience.  Not sure how much I will tell a future spouse but I will spill the beans with cyberland.

When I think about the times I “took breaks” from drinking or “sort of” quit, I think of willingness. The difference between those times and now was my willingness to quit. My willingness to stay sober. My willingness to actually risk feelings. My willingness to live life without drinking alcohol.

And then I found something about it today in my book One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin:

Willingness comes before any growth: willingness to stop drinking and using; willingness to try a new way of living; willingness to put that growth before our personal comfort. In short, the willingness to let go.

How committed are you to recovery?

I have plans today: AA meeting; then introduction to meditation class, then a dinner date. I remember a year ago, I was so scared of trying to date sober. I aways associated having drinks as a way to relax. Alcohol helped those first awkward moments of a first date. I felt I could judge my date by what they drank. Were they a beer person, wine, or hard liquor? I still do judge them now but by the quantity they drink. I am not gonna stop a date from ordering one drink with dinner. But if he or she orders a second glass or bottle, I might not consider another date. I don’t want to date the horrible person I used to be!

I had a guy on a dating website ask me out for drinks last night. He didn’t say coffee, which made me realize he did not read the part of my profile that says I do not drink alcohol. I turned him down and told him I would be busy going to an AA meeting.

I stopped taking my Prozac. There are a few reasons for this action:

1) I forgot to take it for 2 days.
2) I only had 6 left and my insurance for my new job does not kick in until April.
3) I want to try life unmedicated.

I think Sunday was my last pill. It has been almost a week. I did feel a slight down in my mood yesterday. But I dealt with it and it passed. My whole saying of “things could be worse” that I repeat over and over seems to help.

I did have a slight negative experience a few weeks ago related to my Prozac. But it was more related to people’s judgement of depression and anti-depression meds.

I was about to go scuba diving. Right before we left the shop to head to the beach, the manager remembered she forgot to have me sign the medical form. So I grabbed it and checked no next to everything except “are you taking any medications?” The dive guide asked me what do I take Prozac for and the manager answered “for depression.” The guide is foreign and not familiar with such medications so asked if I take it just “every so often”. Like when I feel sad. I answered I have been taking it every other day, which was true because I kept forgetting to take it while on vacation. This cause a red flag for the manager. She said I needed to be seen by the diving doctor before any diving.

So I had to go see this doctor to answer questions. I told him I took it every other day as a way to try to wean off of it. He asked if my doctor gave me those directions. I said no. I did NOT tell him how I basically prescribed myself the medication by buying it in Mexico and then getting a clinic doctor to write me a refill. He asked why I was taking them. I told him I started because I was feeling down all the time and wanted a temporary help to feel better. “No, what happened that made you start to take these. People just don’t get depressed. What was happening in your life?”

I was offended. People can’t be depressed unless a tragic event? He did not seem to understand the chemical cause of mood disorders. Maybe they don’t believe such things in his country? But I felt I was being judged. I lied and said it was because I broke up with a guy. He was happy with that answer. He wanted take make sure I was not going to be depressed while diving and “create an accident”. And he told me trying to get off the medication was a good idea. I should dive more to be happy.

I decided then and there even if I stayed on Prozac or start it again, I am lying on my next diving medical form about it.

I found this today in my boxes of wall decorations. I cropped out my name of course. But it was my certification from a visit to the Jameson distillery in Dublin, Ireland in 2008.

I remember that day. I toured it alone. I had to wait about 20 minutes for the tour to begin. I had a hot chocolate with a shot of Jameson while waiting. It was before lunch. My tour was with a big group of students from America. I thought that was an odd place to take students. But at the end of the tour, they ask for volunteers to be taste testers. My hand was the first to go up. The other testers were all chaperones for the students. I remember liking the Jameson much more than the American and Scottish whiskeys we tried. After that, I would order a shot of Jameson once in a while at a bar and brag “I am a certified whiskey taster. I have the paper on my wall to prove it”.

I am gonna burn this. I still haven’t had my “ceremony” of burning things from my drinking days. I still haven’t gotten my coin for one year sobriety either. I need to find the time.

But the important thing is I am still sober. Forget how many days it is now. 🙂