Tag Archives: beer

thoughts while slipping

Posted in 30 days (again) by

The day I relapsed, I wrote about it in my journal while I was drinking. I hate the term relapse though. To me, that envisions giving up and drinking a lot more than I did. To me, a relapse lasts days, weeks, months or more. My slip was 1 day and then 1 more day. It was a slip. Here is my journal entries:

22 May 2015

…I walked more but was hungry two hours later. I stopped at a place on the waterfront. Upstairs had a nice view of the bay and a beautiful breeze. The waiter suggested fish or lobster with shrimp. I opted for the fish. And when he suggested “mojito”, I gave in. Today is 1 year and 4 months of no alcohol. I could blame it on seeing bottles and signs of rum everywhere. Or maybe cause I am feeling lonely. I thought “maybe just one drink.” After a few sips, I took a gulp of rum through the straw. It was like kissing an old lover that I never forgot. One that used to abuse me but at that second, I missed his tasty lips. Sparks flew. Our passion was rekindled.

I swore only one. But when I finished it and was still not done lunch, I thought “maybe a beer?” Might as well. I already broke my sobriety. I should have a beer but sip it to last the rest of lunch. Then I will stop. I feel ashamed but also debating if I will tell anyone about this.

So one mojito and half a beer and I feel tipsy. I am glad my high tolerance is gone. I am not sure if I will drink more or not the next few days. I don’t want to get drunk and lose something. And I am worried about what it will do to my brain and body.

“A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffering.”- Buddha

Is a sober world an illusion? Is having a few drinks ending my suffering of struggling to stay sober?
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After I left the restaurant, I kept thinking of getting another drink. I wanted to chase the buzz. I figured “why not!” I would start sobriety again tomorrow. I will just drink a little throughout today.
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I stopped at a bar to read my guidebook. I ordered 2 beers. Then I walked, took photos, and got a taxi to the waterfront. I watched the sunset. Then I went to another restaurant for dinner and a beer. I sat outside with the evening breeze and continued to watch the sun setting. I noticed the sunset was prettier once the sun was gone. I am trying to think of a metaphor for that but I am feeling drunk. After the light is gone, beauty arises?
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I went walking along the waterfront. I had my headphones on and was feeling good. Later I regretted having my headphone on cause I missed a bunch of live music. A lot of guys made comments at me. Some looked like teenagers. It was a nice ego boost for a woman about to turn 40. Then I got lost. I finally hailed a taxi and was a good thing because I was walking in the complete wrong direction. But I now sit in a cigar bar, full of smoke, and one waitress for the whole place. I am gonna order one rum and Coke and then bed.
___________

23 May 2015

Back on sober track. After my rum and Coke last night, I had a daiquiri because that bar was famous for them. Then on my way back to my hotel, I wanted one more drink. There were people stopping people on the street to bring up to a bar. It was very small place with 5 tables and a 2-guy band. It was all old men and 2 female waitresses/bartenders. As I was finishing my beer, some pretty, young girls came in. They all had very short dresses on. They approached the old men. It seemed there was one young woman for each old man. They either danced or the girls sat very close to the men. I think they were prostitutes. The men looked to be in their 50s and big while these girls could have been their daughters. What kind of place was I in!

I was only buzzed at the most yesterday but I did not sleep well. I woke up a bit hungover. I kept hitting snooze for one hour. Already having a night of drinking affecting my vacation. My day of slipping was 6 beers and 3 mixed drinks. Evidence of not being a moderate drinker!

25 May 2015

written while drunk:

    Why Do I drink (did drink?!)

I drink to feel loved
I drink to feel wanted
to be accepted
to be popular
I like the fuzz
the buzz
It feels innocent and
takes me back to childhood
before depression
before identity
before self hatred.

But it doens’t keep me there.
It creates an illusion.
Magical
But magic if fake.
It is not real
Sobriety is real.
Truth is real.

I need real.

26 May 2015

So I drank again last night. Then I met a guy. We bar hopped for places that were still open. Then I took him back to my hotel with me. We had sex. I had a tampon still in. I don’t even remember if it was good or not. We tried to have sex again this morning but I was too tired and hungover. Not sure if we will stay in touch or ever see each other again. I am ashamed and feel guilty. I have not had sex for over a year and was hoping to break that when I found someone I cared for. Instead I threw it away on some guy that gave me a compliment in a bar. I feel sick from the hangover and guilt. I wasted my last day sleeping and popping advil. I am still not sure I will tell anyone. Can I go back and pretend it never happened? I will start going to more meetings when I get home, find a sponsor, and work the steps finally.

Oktoberfest

Posted in 180 days to 9 months, Drunk Travel by

Many years ago,  I met a couple from Munich, Germany. We got a long great and they invited me to stay at their place if I ever visit Germany. A year later, I emailed them to see if they could host me for Oktoberfest. They agreed and we made plans for me to stay on their couch for three nights of the two week celebration.

They told me they usually don’t allow anyone except family to stay during Oktoberfest.  They said the last time they had a friend stay, the guy got so drunk that he tried to urinate in one of their houseplants. They felt I would be a more responsible guest.

I spent my first evening hanging out with them. We met up with some other people, including one of my German friends visiting from another city. It was fun and a lot more than what I expected. It was a large carnival with rides and games. And then there were the packed beer “tents” (actual buildings ) with food, music and beer. Most of the tables inside are reserved and some of the reservations started a year ago. We managed to find a table outside one of the tents. We ordered pretzels and large mugs of beer. I have a photo of me smiling big while holding up my first Oktoberfest beer. Later that night, my host had me try different shots of schnapps. I was loving Munich.

The next day I returned without my hosts because they had to work. I met up with my friend and the group from the previous night. We walked around and drank as much beer as we could. We drank beer all day! I had some food. I think schnitzel or something very German. I have the menu that I stole. I met some people who I am still friends with today. My German friend left early and I stayed late. I was dancing on tables and spilling beer.

I drank so much that the rest of the evening is blurry. I know I got on a very high swing ride by myself cause I made a video of it. It was the kind of ride of swings that goes around and lifts you up so your feet fly below you. But this one was like 30 meters high. You were lifted above the festival.

Mistake 239- That night, I have a photo of me standing in front of one of those house of mirrors. But I am not sure what happened. I sort of have memories of being in there. I think with a guy. I do not know what happened or what we did. I sort of remember pushing him away. I am not sure. I know I lost the jacket that I had on in the photo. I remembering I was crying trying to give the taxi driver directions to my hosts’ place.

I woke up the next morning hungover. I tried to piece together the night but decided not to bother. I was too embarrassed. I had plans to meet up with my German friend at Marienplatz. I thought we would go to the festival together. But when I found her at the meeting point, she said she wanted to explore the sights of the city instead. I was upset. I came to Munich specifically for Oktoberfest. I already visited it years before and did the tourist stuff. She said “you only care about getting drunk.” I felt that was an okay goal during Oktoberfest. So she went off to see the city and I rushed to the festival. Some of the people I met the day before were meeting at noon and I wanted to join them.

When I got to the meeting point late, I did not recognize anyone. The group must have wandered off to a tent. I waited to see if any other stragglers would arrive. I started to get depressed. Could I have fun at Oktoberfest alone? I then thought maybe I should go find my friend. Maybe I should join her. I walked outside the festival trying to decide. As I wandered, I received a text message. A British guy from the previous night had my number and asked if I knew where the group went. I replied no but asked if he wanted to meet up with me. He said sure. Yea I had someone to hang out with! My mood lifted.

I saw a shop selling German festival clothing of dirndls and lederhösen. I decided to buy a dress. I wanted to really get in the Oktoberfest spirit. I bought one that was brown and yellow and match my sweater. It was a very cute outfit. I met up with the British guy and we had a great day drinking Bavarian beers.

We found some people from the group by the evening. I was drunk at this point. The British guy had to leave and I joined the group. We got a table inside a tent. I was standing on the tables dancing again. I had drunk German guys talking to me in German and they didn’t care that I did not understand them. I also met an American guy there with his friend. We joked about the drunk Germans must have assumed I was German because of my dirndl.

There was a woman walking around doing breathalyzer testing. She gave out certificates with your BAC level. I got it done and then had everyone I met sign it. I do not remember what my number was but I remember acting proud. I lost the certificate sometime that night.

Mistake 240- I woke up the next day in a hotel room. I was nude. I looked over and noticed I was in bed with the American. And his friend was in the next bed. The guy was nice and we exchanged emails. He found me on Facebook a few years ago.

Two embarrassing nights and two blackouts. I kept thinking “at least I did not try to pee in my hosts’ houseplants.”

Quiet but dry

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I have not posted in a few days but still sober. I am on a roadtrip with a friend. I have not had time to blog or read blogs. My mood has been better. We have been having a good time. We’ve been listening to music and comedy. We listened to two Robin Williams cd’s. I really enjoyed his jokes about alcoholism. Not sure if they made my friend uncomfortable.

I have never known my friend to have a drinking problem. But I found it irritating he had to buy a 6-pack of beer last night. We are doing a lot of driving. We stop in hotels around 10 at night with plans to leave by 9am. Why does he need beer? I also do not want to become judgemental. He drank 3 of them while I went to bed. Now I need to make room in my cooler for his beers? Hell no. He will have to deal with skunk beer tonight. My yogurt gets priority.

Mistake 206- I was in Taiwan for a few days. I wanted to make an overnight trip from Taipei somewhere. I picked Sun Moon Lake. I planned to take a train there in the afternoon and hike the next day.

I spent my one night there drinking in my hotel room. Everything in the town closed by 9pm. I found one place still open for dinner and ordered a large beer. Then I stopped at 7-11 on my way to my hotel to pick up 2 more large beers. They also sold little shooters of alcohol at the counter. I bought a few.

I sat in my room, watching some lame movie that I have seen hundreds of times, and drank alone. I also messaged with an ex-boyfriend while drinking. I got a little tipsy. I woke up to see the sunrise from my hotel room. Took a photo. Went back to bed. I was too dehydrated/tired/hungover. I slept until checkout at 11pm.

I had a train to return to Taipei that afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to hike around the lake. Instead, I did a boat cruise. And drank a lot of water, green tea, and ibuprofen.

Tools for Travel

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I am preparing to go on a trip to Portugal in a few days. I am quite excited. I have never been to this country. I only know one word in the language (obrigada). I have been having fun planning everything and keeping myself from too many plans. I like to keep my travels flexible. I have friends joining me for some of it but I also am looking forward to alone time. And I look forward to doing all of this sober!

I have been on a few roadtrips and mini-vacations since quitting alcohol. But this will be my first foreign trip. I love exploring other cultures but I do get anxious about the unknown. I like to learn new words but I get stressed by the language barriers. I hope I can handle the nervousness without turning to a bottle. I used to love trying local beers and I have a collection of beer labels from around the world. I am going to miss that.

But I am not going to miss all the time and money I wasted drinking. Keeping memories of the drunk mistakes I made on other travels will, hopefully, keep me from taking that first sip. I have missed sights or did not fully enjoy wonderful places because I was hungover. I have spent so much money drinking alone or with new friends in bars across the planet. I even paid $25 to drink one Singapore Sling in the Raffles Hotel in Singapore! What a waste for a drink! I squander so much of my life around the culture of alcohol.

I know in Porto there is going to be a lot of temptation to drink port. I remember drinking wine in Australia that was a port but called LHS, which stood for “left hand side.” I always tell that story when I used to drinm port. Will the Portuguese people understand that I can not drink any alcohol? Maybe I need to say it is my religious beliefs that keep me from drinking? Maybe no one will care?

I think I am more excited to travel sober than I am worried about relapsing. Not passing out drunk in strange places is always good motivation!

Mistake 188- I was visiting a friend in Thailand. She was living there for a year and I was traveling the country. We went to stay at a guesthouse in the jungle for a few days. It was very beautiful there. We woke up hearing Gibbons calling and saw many beautiful species of birds.

We had some plans of hikes and a lake tour. Since she was living there, she needed to do some work on her computer. While she worked, I drank. I started drinking Chang beers at noon everyday. I drank beer late into the night while she drank fresh fruit smoothies and tea. One of the days was rainy so I drank more than usual. The next day was the lake tour. I was very hungover that day. I looked forward to grabbing another beer as soon as possible to fix my headache. I lovingly called it my “Changover. ”

We charged all our meals and drinks to our room. When we were checking out, the manager pulled me aside. My friend knew him so we got discounts on the room and meals. But he said he recalculated the bill many times because he couldn’t believe how much I spent on beer. “Did you really drink THAT much?”

I would have to find my notes of my travel expenses to remember exactly how much I spent. But it was wasted money and time.

Near Beer

Posted in 120-150 days by

I bought some O’Douls last night for the campfire. I was debating it all day. Then I sort of got excited. “Yea I can feel normal”.
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Then right before opening, I got a bit worried. Would this mess me up? Not meaning would it get me drunk, but would it make me want real beer? Or at least make me want it more than I did before? Is this a slippery slope? Will this be my gateway to relapse?

My friend was actually saying more things than I was to make me doubt this decision. “Are you sure you want to do this? It says 0.5% alcohol?” I pointed out it says LESS than 0.5% alcohol. But I got carded when buying it. If I need to legally be 21 to drink it, is that little tiny bit of alcohol enough to do something to me?

I opened it. I asked him to toast me with his real beer. He said it seemed we were toasting my sobriety goodbye. I took a sip. I said “mmmm that tastes good. Uh-oh. Too good. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
He laughed. What did I mean?
I started to get worried. The O’Douls tasted good. Better than what I remember Bud or Coors or what I thought of as “crappy” beer to taste like. Is that only because I have not experienced the taste in 4 months? Or was it that tiny percentage of alcohol seeping into my body? Was that “less than 0.5%” running to my brain and announcing to the cells “it is only a small few of us now but we will return!!!” I really started to panic that minuscule bit of booze was going to make me tipsy. Good thing I did not need to drive anywhere.

He told me if I admit drinking near- beer on my blog, I am going to get reamed. I told him my sober bloggers are not like an AA meeting. The people are more supportive. Then I said I did not care if anyone bitched. I didn’t care if they judged me. THIS IS MY BLOG! This is for me to get sober. And I also decided I need to write about it in case anyone that reads it had a similar experience or was considering non-alcoholic beers.

We finished our beers and went to the campground bar. It was finally open. Since it is not really the season yet, they only open on weekends. It was closed our first two nights. He wanted to check it out. It was empty. We ordered some fries from the bar. They didn’t have alcohol-free beer so I got a Coke. He joked “see! First near-beer and now you are going back on your soda-free policy.” I told him I needed the caffeine. This bar didn’t even have coffee or hot chocolate.

I thought we would each get a drink, check out the lame bar, and go back to the campground. He ordered a second beer. I did not understand why pay for a beer at the bar when he had a new 12 pack of cans in the cooler. Then again, I might have done the same in my drinking days. Social drinking, even if no one else was in the bar, was more fun. Maybe he liked having bartenders to validate his drinking than just dry me? The bartender asked if I wanted another Coke. I joked “sure, I am not driving.” She laughed and said I was a cheap date. I finally convinced my friend to go back to the campsite after his second beer. And honestly, I was feeling left out by drinking Coke. I wanted my fake beer.

We had a good night. We grilled hot dogs again. I roasted marshmallows. And I made S’mores. He did not eat any because he is not big on sugar. I told him maybe that is why he drinks weak beer. We tried to grill Jiffy Pop but failed to read that it should not be cooked over an uneven flame like a campfire.
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(Also he did not take off the paper label on top of the container. I don’t think he did that cause he was drunk. I think it was because he is a guy.)

I drank four bottles of O’Douls. He went through a lot of cans of Bud. He got drunk. I made comments how weird it felt to have four bottles and not feel even buzzed. It felt great! I said it felt like I took a superpower pill to keep me from getting drunk. This would be awesome for drinking games in college. “Why does that team keep winning at beer pong?”
“Oh they are chugging O’Douls”.

We have two bottles of near-beer left. I put them in his fridge. His roommate might toss them. “Ew what the hell is this shit in my fridge!” Or they might keep them for next time I visit. Or maybe they will drink them while drunk and desperate. “Hey… yea… think this will help keep us drunk?”

So in conclusion of my near-beer experiment, I am glad I did it. I need to do more research. I am not going to drink this all the time nor make a habit of it. I am glad I did not drink it in the first month or three because I think the association to real beer was still there. Maybe I needed to rid my body of all the traces of alcohol after 20 years of drinking to be able to tolerate O’Douls? I still prefer to drink ice tea now but I think I could handle non-alcoholic beer if I felt the situation suggests it.

Next I might try non-alcoholic wine. But maybe I will wait until I am in Napa or similar wine country.

Mistake 130- My friend was telling me the story of the first time we kissed. I was drunk. There is a photo of us making out on a table. We made out in the taxi the whole ride home. I do not remember any of it.

I had a lot of people staying at my house that weekend. When we got home, he fell asleep on the couch. (Aka passed out.) One of our friends tried waking him up to say I wanted him upstairs. He was too drunk to care. Then I had sex with another friend. I do not remember anything with that other friend at all.

I told him it sounds like we both made drunk mistakes that night.

Pings of Saddness

Posted in 120-150 days by

I am still enjoying my camping trip. We did some hiking yesterday. We went searching for beavers. We didn’t find any but we found beaver dams and houses.  I kept trying to make “beaver calls” which sounded like rabbit sounds with my teeth. It was still a nice day and the beaver pond was pretty.

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We went to lunch afterwards. It was at a bar with a deck. I wanted sun. He wanted beer. I told him I am so glad he drinks Budweiser cause I have no desire to sip it.

We walked around a nearby village. They had wine tasting. I felt a ping of sadness. I really loved wine tasting. I loved winery tours. I loved wine. I wondered if they had any good Shiraz. I made some comment about it sucking that I couldn’t go in there. He said his roommate suggested we check out the wine tastings. My friend told him “she doesn’t drink and I hate wine.” Eh so even if I drank, would it have been fun with someone who doesn’t like wine?

The town was closing down as we walked around. The only things still open were restaurants and bars. And happy hours were starting. It was a beautiful day. I could not help but regret I could not sit on one of the decks, watching the lake, and sipping a beer. I kept saying we should stop somewhere and he could have a beer while I get coffee.  I pointed out a few places but he didn’t seem too eager. We finally found a place only to be told they just stopped serving food and drinks.

My friend said we could go to McDonald’s if I really wanted coffee. But I didn’t.  I just wanted the ambiance.  I just wanted to sit at a table with a gorgeous view of nature and have a drink. I am used to doing that with a beer or wine or rum&coke. I wanted to have that relaxing feeling without alcohol or soda. We headed back to the campsite instead.

We did stop at a store for more supplies. I looked at the beers. Again, a ping of saddness. Local beers. Some IPAs and blonde ales. Why do they have to make the bottles so pretty? I joked around I am gonna start a lawsuit that the pretty labeling encourages underage drinking. “Mommy, can I have this bear soda? It has a picture of a bear on the bottle!” Not until you are 21 sweetie. “Aw schucks.”

Sitting at the camp that night with the fire going, more wishful thinking of drinking. I really wanted a bottle in my hands.  He drank his crappy Buds and I sipped my water. I was too lazy to boil water for tea or hot chocolate.  We made hot dogs and S’mores but I could not shake the desire for beer. I told a lot of my drinking stories to ingrain in my head why I can’t drink.

My friend is wonderful and supportive of my sobriety. We are having a great time and keep making each other laugh. We both try to top each other with bad jokes. Sarcasm just oozes from our mouths. But I wish I could just kick back with a few beers with him. Not even get drunk. Just wish I did not have to keep in my head “NO ALCOHOL! YOU ARE A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC! IT WILL KILL YOU.” That voice can be a bit of a killjoy.

I want to be normal in the sense I want to not DESIRE a drink. It is not always I want to be ABLE to drink. I just wish I hated it. Like I want booze to taste like lobster. I don’t like lobster. I wish there was this pill to make me associate the taste of alcohol with food I do not like. “Eww this wine is like mushrooms.” I know there is medicine that makes you nauseous if you smell alcohol. But I don’t want to make myself feel sick.

Maybe I will pick up near-beer for the campfire tonight.

Mistake 129- I was visiting a friend. I met him once years before and we stayed in touch online.  He lived with his girlfriend. The day I arrived, he won a contest. The prize was a flight and concert tickets for his favorite band in the whole world. Time to celebrate!

The three of us went to a local pub. It was small. A few people at the bar. We played pool and darts. We got trashed! We took over the bar. His girlfriend drove us home.

I told him about a movie in which his favorite band sang the theme song. He never heard of it. So I went to show him clips of it on YouTube. His girlfriend went to bed. He and I stayed up, drinking more, celebrating, and watching clips of the movie and videos of the band.

Somehow, in our drunk excitement, we started to kiss. Then it turned to oral sex. Then we heard some noise of his girlfriend opening the bedroom door. We jumped away from each other and covered up.  I remember her poking her head in the living room and we pretended to be occupied with the videos. I do not remember if she said anything. She went back to bed. I remember him jumping up and repeating “oh my god! I can’t believe what I just did! Oh my god!”

I felt guilty too but I remember feeling shocked. I was blacked out during it. I remember the commotion of stopping because she was walking out, I remember her looking in the room, and I remember the guilt. But I do not remember the actual actions of what we did. I think he even whispered “stop” when we heard her and that was when I realized what was going on. I think I sat there trying to comprehend the scene when he went to bed. I cried myself to sleep.

He drove me to the train early the next day. I tried to ask if she knew without actually talking about the incident. He never told me but he just told me not to worry. We hugged. I grabbed my bag and got on the train.

I have not seen him since. It has been more than 5 years. They have an adorable baby together now. I am glad I did not fuck up their relationship. Blackouts are no excuse for ruining lives.

Camping Roadtrip

Posted in 120-150 days by

I am camping for the next few nights. Just a regular camping trip. Not a festival this time. My friend had vacation time and needed to get away so I volunteered to do a roadtrip with him. 

His roommate was suggesting places for us to go. He kept telling my friend of campgrounds that had great bars.  “Um, she doesn’t drink.” What is she looking for in a campground?  Seriously? Even in my drinking days, I don’t think I would have picked a campground based on the bars? How about warm showers!  Nearby hikes?

I thought it was cute my friend kept defending my non -drinking to his roommate. Also, sort of a shame that he had to.  “Did she ever drink?”

“Oh yea!” as he nodded his head intensely. “She drank A LOT!”

“Did she ever smoke?” My friend asked me if I did.  I told him only when drunk.  He then remembers me bumming cigarettes from him but never inhaling.  He said he used to always yell at me for that.

I asked does this mean his friend things I am some goody two-shoes. No,  he is just trying to understand me.  Why not ask if I ever did heroin or meth? I am odd for not doing any drugs?  I have a coffee addiction.  Does that make me human?

When picking up food, I told my friend to get beer if he wants.  I joked I will get bottles of root beer. “I thought you have up soda also? ”
“Um,  how about I only give up Coke and Pepsi products?” But no root beer. I got ice tea. If there were other people with us and we had plans to spend lots of time around a campfire,  I would have got those root beer bottles to blend in.

We went out to eat out first night because we were too lazy to cook. Only place open late in this small town was a bar.  I had a great burger. It was two-for- one beers. It is amazing how no one cares or bothers me that I don’t drink in a bar.  Not sure if they assume it is cause I am driving or they really just don’t care. He had four. I told him keep drinking so the mosquitoes well be more attracted to him and leave me alone.

We talked a lot during dinner about relationships and drinking.  I need to bring my “drinking journal” with me to jot down my drinking mistakes as they come up in conversations. Sometimes I get worried if I can keep this blog going daily. Then I am reminded of another drunk time and I think “oh yea… I will have 365 mistakes by January.” Just not sure if I can always try to relate them to whatever is the topic from that day.  For example, I can not think of any drunk mistakes related to camping. But the memory might come back to me in a few months.

He started a campfire when we got back to our site.  I was super tired.  I went to bed.  He stayed up about two hours later night fishing.  He smelled like beer when he finally crawled in the tent. That is such an unattractive smell. I used to stink like that?

Mistake 128- I was traveling India and staying with a local family.  I was in Kerala and the family was a man,  his wife,  and their adorable 8 year old daughter. We had a French couple over.  We were all having a good time on their rooftop porch. There was a festival going on.  We enjoyed fireworks and drinks.

The French couple left.  The wife and daughter went to bed.  The Indian father and I stayed up drinking.  I was drinking Old Monk and Coke. It is a very sweet Indian rum. He was drinking whiskey.

I sort of remember him kissing me.  I pushed him off. He kept trying to kiss me more. I don’t remember much more. I blacked out.  I mentioned it to a friend a week later “I think that guy kissed me?” He laughed “if you think it happened,  it probably did.”

Anything more happen? I have no idea.  I woke up the next day on the couch on the rooftop porch covered in mosquito bites. I passed out in a long Indian skirt and short sleeve top. I went to the guest room, grabbed my bag, and left without saying bye.

The father emailed me a few times asking me if I was coming back through town. He kept making comments on my Facebook photos and “liking” everything I posted. I eventually just deleted his friend link. Years later, I still do not know what happened that night except I got eaten by mosquitoes.

Sober Soup

Posted in 90- 120 days by

Today I am 100 days sober.

I still feel I am treading the waters here. It does not feel like I am taking the plunge into sobriety yet. It seems like a test run. A competition. A challenge. Did I win yet?

I feel I have gotten this far with a sober soup. It is a mixture of different things. Belle’s 100 Day challenge was the broth. I added to that daily blogging, reading other sober blogs, reading my journals, reading memoirs such as Carolyn Knapp’s Drinking: A Love Story and Kristen Johnston’s Guts, and reading articles about alcoholism. The support from real life friends and the cyber sober community was like spices added to this soup. It made it work. This mixture kept me from drinking alcohol the past 100 days. (AA meetings were the salt and pepper. I only needed a little bit.)

I feel I have this sober genie sitting inside of me. He sometimes is in my chest. Sometimes my stomach. When I think about having a drink, he punches me. He grabs my esophagus and says “Go ahead but I am gonna make you puke it up and regret it!” He holds a knife to my liver and threatens to rip it apart. He runs into my brain with a napkin soaked in chloroform. I know both booze and that will poison my memory. When I choose not to drink, he flicks his chin up and says “Yea! That is what I THOUGHT you’d do.” He is like a bully but one I need.

I am scared this genie won’t stick around. He is gonna eat all this soup and leave.

265 more days of blogging about mistakes, regrets, and other mishaps from my drinking problem. I have daily blogging to keep me accountable.

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Mistake #100- Was visiting my sister in 2002. We invited a guy that I used to date to go out with us. We ended up at a gay bar. I got wasted and left with some girl. I just left my sister there with a guy that she barely knew. There were some nasty messages on my voicemail when I woke up the next day.

Savings

Posted in 60-90 days by

I am doing my taxes finally. I am reading back on credit cards receipts to try to find moving expenses and work related costs. I came across a lot of bar tabs.

pay advance$77 at a Mexican place for two people. I remember I did not even finish my black bean tacos there but we sure did finish a pitcher of margaritas. $57 later for drinks and I don’t remember much of that bar. Glad I did not leave my credit card like I usually do. We went to another tavern in between the Mexican joint and the bar but either he paid or I paid with cash. Next day $76 for dinner at an Asian infusion restaurant and I know half of that bill was drinks. That was average for me. Sometimes I spent more. Sometimes less. But that was $200 in two days. Some of that bill was food but I doubt we tasted the flavors as much as the beer and mixed drinks.

IMAGE--Cost-of-DrinkingI told a friend the other day that I will be saving a lot of money without booze. But if I were to average my spending at $200 a week, that would be a savings of $10,400 in a year! He told me that is a lot of airplane tickets. It was not until I looked at the credit card statement from last summer that I realized how much money I wasted from drinking. There were some nights I spent $100 in New York City or Los Angeles in a bar. That might have included drunk, friendly me buying rounds of shots. There were so many incidences where I left my credit card at the bar or lost a purse or wallet. I sit here reading my credit card statements and mourn how much I spent in bars.

Since I quit drinking, I have paid off one credit card. I think, with the overtime and extra work I have been doing, I will definitely pay off another by summer. Maybe I will pay them all off and be debt free soon! It is such an exciting thought! This seems like an additional bonus to sobriety. Besides not losing phones and cameras, I am not throwing my hard earn money away! And I am saving my brain, body and dignity.

I found an alcohol spending calculator if you want to figure out how much you spent/spend on drinking.

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Mistake # 84 – I flew to make a surprise visit to my mom. I had my brother invite her over for dinner and I was going to show up. I reserved a rental car. But first, I was going to spend the night with a friend in the city.

My friend would met me after work. Or after a date. It was something that would keep him late. I went to a Brazilian restaurant and had dinner alone. I spent $45. I had a lot of caipirinhas. Then I went to our meeting point at one of my favorite bars. I used to frequent this place. It was all new staff now but I still felt like it was home. I got very drunk. I spent $55 there. I do not know what time my friend arrived. He might have joined me for a few drinks. He helped me maneuver the subway system and then a bus to his place. I woke up next day and realized my purse was missing.

He was at work. I texted him “where are my bags?” He said he put them all by the front door of his apartment. My carry-on bag was there and a shopping bag. But no purse. He said he grabbed all the bags he saw next to my stool in the bar. I said the purse would have been hanging on the back of the stool. He doesn’t remember it.

I had my wallet in there of course. And in the wallet, my driver’s license, credit cards, debit card, and all my cash. Good thing I at least had my phone. Bad thing was I could not pick up my rental car. I was not even sure how I would fly back home without identification. I was super depressed sitting in his apartment trying to figure out what to do.

I tried to call the bar. They would not open until 4pm. I thought maybe I should check the bus station or the lost and found. My friend had a large basket on his table full of change. I gathered ten dollars in quarters, nickels and dimes. I took a bus back to the station where we waited to leave the city the previous night.

As I was waiting in line at the customer service, I received a phone call from the bar. They had my purse. YEA! I was saved! I got out of line and took a subway to the bar. I took out $10 from my wallet to tip the guy. I was saved! I went back to my friend’s place, got my bags, and went to pick up my rental car. I was late for dinner but I was still able to surprise my mom.

So much wasted. Money. Time. My mind.

Nepali New Year

Posted in 60-90 days by

I love celebrating different new years from different cultures. I feel it gives me a lot of new chances to start over. While Nepal has a lot of different ethnicities and 9 different New Years, Baishakh 1st is the national New Year celebration. April 14, 2014 in the Western calendar coincides with Nepali New Year 2071. When I googled how do the Nepalese celebrate it, I found:

People make new resolutions this day. Students plan their study schedule for the year. People exchange gifts and greeting cards.

Not getting trashed and drunk which is how I usually spend my New Years.

I was lucky enough to celebrate it last year in Bhaktapur, Nepal. The celebration there starts with Bisket Jatra. I watched parades, chariot races and families picnicking. They raise a tall pole and the New Year starts when it is pulled down. I was too drunk by the time it came down. I spent the whole evening drinking.

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one of the large chariots for the tug of war

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locals on a chariot

 

 

I arrived in Nepal with plans to abstain from alcohol in hopes I would lose weight over my three-week stay. I abandon that plan in order to celebrate New Years. I decided to celebrate an Eastern holiday with Western traditions?

 

I have done a lot of travel, but Nepal was one of my favorite countries. I would love to return and hike to the Everest Base Camp. Just the base camp. I am not a mountaineer. I did a three-day trek along the Annapurna circuit to Poon Hill. It was beautiful!

one of the mountains in the Annapurna range

one of the mountains in the Annapurna range

I got very drunk the night before I went on the hike. I forgot about that until now. I met up with a friend of mine from the United States. He just happened to be traveling Nepal and we were both in Pokhara at the same time. We started drinking at lunch. Then at happy hour. I kept meaning to end the night early but the intoxication of beer kept me going. We got very drunk and he ended up in my bed.

I was embarrassed the next morning when my trekking guide was knocking on my door at 7am.  I think the guide was embarrassed when he noticed a guy in my room. I told him to give me 10 minutes. I still needed to pack! I was running around my guesthouse room, nude, and trying to pack for a three-day trek. My friend laughed as he helped. The 10 minutes was more like half an hour. We got a late start on the hike. We drove to the start of the trail. (The car he hired was mad about the wait.) I was dreading that day because it was all uphill and I was hungover.

I did not drink during the hike up because I was worried about my performance and endurance. But I ordered beers at the tea houses on the way back down to Pokhara. We arrived in a town and rested before getting the bus back to Pokhara. I ordered some snacks and a beer. I was taking photos of the scenes in the street and people. There was a little girl with curly hair that kept looking at me. I thought she was very cute. Then a little boy walked over and started to talk to me. His English was very good.

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I think he said he was 11 years old. I remember he said he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. I told him that was a very good decision. Then he told me I should not be drinking beer. He said “bad people drink beer and smoke cigarettes.” I told him I do not smoke. He said “okay, well, you should not drink beer also. Promise me you will not drink beer no more.” I laughed and told the kid “I am sorry, but I can not make that promise.” He seemed upset.

It is sad that I could not make a promise like that. Maybe I can find that kid next time I go back to Nepal.

I got drunk with my friend when I got back to Pokhara. We hung out with some people he met while I was on my trek. He left us early and I spent the rest of the night with these new people. I was supposed to leave the next morning on a 7am bus to Lumbini. I missed it. I was able to find an overnight bus leaving that evening. I did not sleep well on that bus because I spent the night pushing off roving hands from an Indian guy sitting next to me. He kept trying to put his hand between my legs or on my breasts. I had to keep moving them. I regretted not keeping my nail file with me. I would have been safer on the 7am bus.

Realizing it is Nepali New Year today brings back many great memories of my trip there but also drunk stupidity.

May you embrace the start of a new year and whatever resolutions you care to make!

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Mistake # 83- While in Bhaktapur, I met up with a local guy from a travel website. He offered to show me around. A local guide is always a plus but truthfully, I did not want to be alone for the festival. I remember being surprised that this guy’s eyes were a very light brown. I asked him if he was mixed with another race. He said a lot of people ask him that but no, he is full Nepali.

We walked around while he told me some history and stories. He also told me about his wife in Europe. They were waiting for his visa so he could join her. They met while she was traveling in Nepal and fell in love. It sounded beautiful and quick. I was a bit skeptical. I enjoyed the company regardless.

He took me to non-tourist bars. Little, tiny, places. Literally hole-in-the walls. I loved it. I drank and drank. I kept toasting to him “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

I was locked out of my guesthouse by the time I got back. I was mad because even though I knew the guesthouse had a midnight lock time, I specifically asked if they would keep it open later due to the holiday. The owner told me yes. But the security guard fell asleep.

I banged a lot on the door. On the windows. I yelled “WAKE UP!” I threw rocks at upper windows hoping other guests would go down and wake up the guard. I was a drunk, selfish asshole. The local guy I was with kept trying to get me to quiet down.

The guard finally woke up. He let us in. The local guy ended up coming to my room with me. We had crappy, semi-sex. We were both too drunk. The next morning, he helped me find a taxi I needed to get back to Kathmandu. I did not want to look him in his beautiful eyes. I felt so ashamed.

He emailed me a few months ago. He asked if I had plans to return to Nepal. I guess his visa to join his wife never came through.