To Thine Own Self

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These are not mine. I found these when I was unpacking into my new place a few months ago. I originally found them in a house I rented 12 years ago. That house was full of abandoned things. The previous tenant lived there for years and then moved out quite quickly. I asked why and was told her boyfriend died suddenly and she moved into his house. It was traumatic so she left everything behind. I was happy cause I needed a lot of the furniture and kitchen things she left. And I would get drunk and search the boxes and stuff in the basement. I called it “treasure hunting.”

I remember she had a niece. I found photos. Other toys. A Fisher Price record player. Or at least I always assumed it was a niece.  I never asked. She had some old clothes that I turned into costumes. Antique kitchen utensils I still have hanging now. She had an old, electric hand mixer that still works (and probably better than any new one I could buy now.)

I found these tokens in a box of old stamps and Japanese coins. I kept them because this was shortly after my first DUI and experience with AA. Did I, deep down, think I would try to go sober one day?

I always assumed they belonged to the lady that lived there that left quickly. Which makes me wonder about her. Was she like me? Were those photos a niece? Or a daughter of whom she lost custody? Did the traumatic death trigger her to relapse? Is she sober now? Is she alive? Were those her coins? Maybe they belonged to her boyfriend? Maybe alcoholism was the reason for the traumatic death?

I have been thinking of my dad lately. Father’s day is coming up. Plus his birthday. Plus his deathday. He died from lung cancer, not his alcoholism.  As a kid, I always suspected he would die from cancer. I just wondered if it would be lung or skin because he was a sun worshipper in summer. I never considered the alcohol killing him. Not many people do. We don’t think of what it does to our insides.  It rots our body. It kills our veins. Would my dad have been able to fight his lung cancer if his immune system was not already destroyed by alcoholism? 

I can not answer any of those questions. I can only find the answers for my life. For my sobriety. For my happiness.

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2 thoughts on “To Thine Own Self

  1. Your blog has been a big help to me. I do struggle on what to focus on. Do I think about not drinking or do I focus on life? I can’t seem to focus on life. My thoughts are consumed with not drinking. I’m just under 90 days sober.

    • I was like that the first few months. I seemed obsessed with not being able to drink and what alcoholism is. I read a lot of books, articles and blogs to learn more and motivate me. I watched movies about people with addiction or esteem problems.

      My first time, I wanted to do it with just blogs and learning. I went to AA just to try to meet sober people. Never did the steps or get a sponsor because I thought I didn’t need them. But after relapsing last week, I am going to try the steps. I only drank 2 days rather than relapse for weeks or months so it isn’t as hard starting over for me as it is for others. I feel I have more tools and sight.

      Good luck!

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