I was feeling sad yesterday. I am not sure if it was a song on my headphones that triggered the feelings. But I think I am depressed that I can not enjoy drinking on my travels. And no matter how much I remind myself that this life is better and I am saving money and not wasting a day with a hangover, I still feel down.

Traveling and turning down wine EVERYWHERE is reminding me that I am strange. A weirdo. Abnormal. All of the negative words I could think of in relation to being different were bombarding me yesterday. I was walking along a beautiful beach, enjoying perfect weather, and I kept thinking “why do you have to be a freak?”

Things I Can Not Have

I also feel I am reaching out for something else. “If I am ____, then I will be happy.” Fill that blank in with one of the many things I am always running towards. Living in a new place. Working at a new job. Traveling this country. In a relationship. Thin.

Lately I feel I am focusing on the thin something else. “If I lose 10 pounds, I will be happy.” That might be true. I will be healthier. I might be able to walk a small incline without running out of breath. I will be able to wear the beautiful dresses I bought in Asia again. I won´t feel like a fat cow. I feel so unattractive and unwanted at my weight. I used to be able to hide those feelings with alcohol. It did not matter that I was fat if I was drunk and fun.

I walked a lot yesterday. I keep telling myself I will start yoga again once I get home. Start hiking again. Maybe join spinning classes or Zumba. I have been eating a lot of bread with every meal here. Maybe I need to pass on the bread. Eat fruit and yogurt for breakfast. Only fish with salad for lunch and dinner.

I will start the healthy eating right after I try Ovo Moles today.

To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.

-Buddha

Mistake 195- Many years ago, I had plans to go to an amusement park with my roommate and her boyfriend and his friends. The night before, I got drunk with one of his friends. The guy and I had sex. The problem is he had a serious girlfriend. He apparently used to talk about her all the time and how great she was. I do not remember if I knew he had a girlfriend our not or if I was just so drunk I did not care.

The next morning, he changed his mind about joining us for the amusement park. My roommate knew about the sex but her boyfriend did not. During the day, she made a joke towards me that gave him a clue. He turned to me “did you fuck ___?”

I could tell he was mad. I admitted to sex with his friend. He shot me an upset glare. I felt so ashamed. I felt like I just got caught with my hand in the condom jar. He called me a slut. If his friend’s relationship was ruined, it was my fault. It was my fault he canceled joining the park for the day. I felt I ruined everyone’s day.

Years later, I realize it was not all my fault. I did not force the guy. If drunk was his excuse for the mistake, than my drunkeness was good enough to absolve me of blame. It still didn’t make what I did right. And it is definitely one of my many drunk regrets.