Robin Williams has been found dead.
This is only the second time in my life that I cried due to a celebrity death. The first was when I heard about Michael Hutchense, lead singer of my favorite 80s band INXS, and I was drunk.
This time, I think it is because I feel a connection to Mr Williams. I posted 6 weeks ago that he was returned to rehab. It just seems so impossible that he succumbed to depression so soon after trying to battle his addictions again. There is never complete victory, is there?
And I am getting mad because of all the people that seem to not want to hear me talk about my drinking problem or ignore the issue of alcoholism are all whining what a horrible loss. It is a horrible loss but what about the loss of sanity he must have felt for many years? It is painful. Depression is so heavy is pulls at your limbs and heart and soul. It makes you feel you are dragging your body through cement. No matter how insane alcohol might make you, when you are sunk in depression, floating out on the stream of booze might seem better than nothing.
I do not know if Mr Williams was on alcohol or drugs when he took his life. But I know every time I have attempted suicide, I was drunk.
Of course, none of the “Normies” will pay attention to my comments about his addiction. They won’t see this as a warning sign to take alcoholism and other addictions seriously. They will still consider people that can not handle drinking as immoral rather than having a mental problem. They will briefly mourn the loss of an artist and quote some of his movies. They might make a toast to him. They will never look at the underlying factors.
I am sorry you hurt for so long Mr Williams.I hope you found peace.
I went to another festival and did not drink alcohol. One thing that sucked is cans of beer were €2 but fruit smoothies and juice were €3- €4 and coffee and tea were sometimes €3. At least water was free. There were a few bars with liquor but I did not get close enough to see the prices.
This festival was an electronic music festival. I did not enjoy it overall. I like EDM (electronic dance music) but this was all psy-trance. I discovered it is not really my scene. I went because a friend invited me. Then I could not find him. I spent 3 days by myself at a festival of 20,000 people. And most of them were German, French, Spanish, Portuguese and Israeli. It was hard to strike up a conversation, especially sober. I did try to speak to a few people but their English was not great and it was too difficult to have a conversation. I spent most of my time sunbathing and walking around taking photos.
Most of the people there were on drugs rather than drinking. People walked around with signs of the specific drugs for which they were searching. Or they had signs on their tents “We need WEED” or shrooms or stuff I never heard of. The festival had all ages but mostly people in their 20s. I did not judge them. I must say I’d rather be around people stoned than people drunk. Less violent. Even the people on psychedelic drugs seemed to be in their own world rather than bothering other people.
I think I would have enjoyed it if I went with friends or was able to find my friend. He did not give me good directions how to find him. It made me melancholy and lonely. I sat alone at times with tears in my eyes. It made me over analyze why I am single and where my life is going. Just the other day, I was glad to be traveling alone. But there is a difference between traveling alone and going to a festival alone. I left the festival early. I am torn between being mad at him and mad at myself for not having better sober social skills.
The lowest point was Friday afternoon. I was drinking a cup of chai and people watching. I was approached by a German person. I could not tell the gender. This person asked me if I was attracted to men or women. “Hows do you identify?” I did not know how to respond because I could not tell if this was a come-on line. Then he said he is a transgender woman. He then asked “oh, were you born a woman?” I loudly exclaimed yes. Then tears started in my eyes. He said “oh no. Zo zorry. Oh no!” I wanted to yea “fuck off”. Here I was unable to make friends and the only person to approach me thought I was a man dressed as a woman. I was already feeling fat and old but his comment added ugly to the mix.
It did not make me want to drink cause I know that would not solve it. It just made me want to hide in my tent. That was when I decided I was going to leave early. One more day of sunbathing and then I would get the first bus out of there Sunday. I really felt out of place.
Mistake 202-I was spending New Year’s in Dallas with a boyfriend. We were barhopping gay bars. I remember our taxi driver even tried to warn us to avoid those kind of bars. “Are you sure you want to go there?” All I could think was “bigot.”
After many drinks, I remember making out with a blond Asian girl. Later, my boyfriend informed me that the girl was actually a boy. I pretended that I knew but I had no clue. He laughed because he said “she” did not even do a good dressing up job. He was drunk and knew it was a guy. He said I must have had super beer-goggles on.
Mistake 203- I was in a hot tub with a guy I liked and a transgender friend. I was extremely drunk. A few days later, the transgender friend said I was playing footsies with her in the tub. I was shocked. She took it as a hint that I was interested in her. I had to apologize for the mixed signals but I was definitely not interested in her. She began to pester me after that and I eventually had to end the friendship. I was too embarrassed and scared of another drunk encounter with her.