Scared of being weak

Tonight I went to see a show with a famous celebrity in it.  Actually,  I saw the show the other night.  Tonight I returned to the theater for an autograph and photos.  I got the autograph and only one semi-good photo.  The rest were blurry.  I was happy and excited.  I met some other people who were also waiting for autographs and photos.  We swapped stories about other celebrities we have seen in the past.

After he got in his black SUV and left,  I heard a woman make a comment she saw another celebrity go into a bar across the street. She bet that Our Celebrity would go there too. I said “but he drove away?” She said that was to throw off the fans. So I decided to take the chance. She and I both went to the bar.

It was actually a nice tavern with food and drinks.  I told the host I just wanted a snack. Could I sit in the bar area? He said there were no seats but I could wander until a seat came available. I felt silly. Like a stalker. I asked to use the bathroom. It was occupied. I stood by the door waiting.

As I was waiting, the Celebrity walked in. OMG. OHMIGOD. He walked right past me. He was a foot away from me and looked gorgeous.  I wanted to pull out my phone and snap a photo but that felt rude away from the stagedoor. I saw him walk to the back of the bar and met up with some lesser – famous celebrities. I was shaking. The celebrity group moved into a closed-off room in the back. I used the bathroom.

I started to walk around the bar while casually looking to the back. Could I get glimpse? How would I try for a photo?  Then I saw some people leaving their spot at the bar.  I grabbed myself a seat. Asked for a menu. Kept turning my head to peek at the entrance to the back room.

The reason I am posting the story on a blog about sobriety is because I REALLY WANTED A DRINK! I wanted to order wine. One glass.  Something to calm my nerves.  Something to make me blend in. I was starting to imagine how good a glass of Shiraz would taste. If he comes out from the back, maybe I would have liquid courage to say hi. Tell him I love the show. Maybe offer to buy him a beer. I am not sure if I wanted the drink more to sedate my excitement or lower my inhibitions. But I really, really wanted a drink. I can not remember the last time I felt a trigger this strong. I even went to an AA meeting today. But I still considered throwing away 1 year, 1 month and 21 days of sobriety over one hot celebrity.

I ordered Diet Coke instead. Lots. I was tired and needed caffeine.  And even though I quit Diet Coke a few months ago, I was not upset I relapsed on that.  I had to keep telling myself over and over that I do not want to start over again. Even if I never tell anyone and manage to keep it to one glass of wine,  I would have thrown away so much progress. I ordered some food. I texted a few friends and browsed Facebook. I killed that desire. But it did not die easily.

The celebrities left as I asked for my check.  They looked tipsy. One tripped over the red rope that quarantined their private party off. One looked me right in the eye and I wanted to say something but I froze. I felt scared. They continued on their way. I paid my bill and continued on my way also. 

The whole ride home,  I felt nervous. I feared that feeling of weakness. It would have been so easy to order a drink and try to pretend it never happened.  I felt I was reduced to the helpless feelings I felt a year ago in early sobriety.

I cried. I never expected this many mixed emotions about seeing a celebrity. Or is it because of the strong temptation I felt?  I think both. 

I think it is time I look for a sponsor.

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8 thoughts on “Scared of being weak

  1. Wow. That was a huge deal. To be in the bar, excited, alone. So much energy. I can imagine that call to have a drink would be very strong.

    I’m really impressed by how you handled it. You gave yourself a treat-the diet coke. You ate. And you didn’t drink.

    A sponsor might be a good option for times like this. A true sober support system to text.

    But you came through beautifully!!

    Think of it this way-you may have had a glass. Then 3 more. Made some sort of tipsy approach to the celebrity and then had to drive home.

    Way too many potential bad endings there!

    You did it. Very nice. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is really helpful.

    Anne

    • Thanks. I wasn’t even looking that forward in the “what if I drank” scenarios. At the time , I was not even thinking of the whys I wanted to drink (thought of that after I left and wrote this blog.) I just felt this strong urge to have a drink.

      I know look back and wish it was a celebrity that is in recovery. I read Bradley Cooper has been sober 10x years. If it was someone like that, I would have tried to tell them “from another recovering alcoholic, thank you for inspiration.” Then he would give me his number and we would go out for coffee and get married and live a great sober life together!

      Bradley Cooper is single I hope. 😉

      • I still feel that strong urge occasionally. On a sunny Friday after work etc. it kind of disappoints me too. But as long as I don’t follow it, it is really just a feeling to notice and let go.
        Habit. The old ones are hard to avoid.

  2. Wow, just wow. A bar alone with the thought to drink, and the “who would know” phenomenon. It would have been so easy to slip, but you are a strong sober woman. Great job. BTW, Bradley Cooper is MINE!
    I am not sure what I would do in that situation, and I have a sponsor. I have just started doing a Big Book discussion with a fellow AA group member. Yesterday we did Chapter 1, as we were talking, he said, maybe you aren’t done drinking yet. It was like a smack in the face…maybe I’m not? Really? Would I have been as strong as you? I don’t know, would I have called my sponsor, I don’t know.
    Great job! (Can you tell us who it was?)

    • “Not done drinking yet…” I get worried that is me sometimes. No matter how much alcohol has caused me problems, do I forgive it sometimes?

      I’ve been taking a nutrition class. I keep meaning to blog about it. I keep trying to work goals of being healthier into my sobriety. Alcohol is wasted calories! Even if I didn’t have blackouts, I had a beer belly. And that is slowly going away by being more mindful of what I eat and drink.

      And without actually saying who he is, I will say I would let him break back my mountain anyday.

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