I really struggled this past week. I really wanted to drink. And I was close to doing so. I really thought about going to the store and buying a 6-pack of IPA. Or maybe just one big bottle. I only wanted one.

Then I decided if I was going to break sobriety, I would want to do it with more flash. I did not want to do it sitting home alone. I did not want to do it in a bar with strangers. I also would not want my friends to know. So I thought I would do it on my next vacation. I am going away in 2 weeks to a place that is known for their vodka. And even though I wasn’t a vodka girl, I would treat myself to a shot of their best vodka. Maybe a beer to chase it. Maybe I would become a travel drunk. Only allow myself to drink in other countries. I could go back to my sober life once I return to the states. I actually started to fantasize about having that first glass and sort of feeling free. No more struggle to fight the disease. Just let it win.

Fortunately, part of the lesson in my nutrition class last week was about alcohol. The chapter was about energy metabolism but also talked about the influence alcohol has on the body. The damage it does to the liver. The effect it has on the brain. It listed the short term problems and the long term problems. It has a table with the signs of alcoholism. I read them and was reminded why I can not have even one drink. Tolerance. Impaired control of amount of drinks. Time spent drinking or recovering. Withdrawal. I remember my body actually shaking sometimes the next day but I never credited it with alcohol withdrawal. It is not so much about abstaining to impress people with my number of months just to get a 2 year coin one day. I am not a moderate drinker and I never will be so therefore I should not drink any alcohol. At all.

I was lonely and depressed last week. I avoided Facebook for a couple of days because it seemed every time I logged on, someone else had a positive relationship status change. Everyone is having kids and settling down and they have nothing else to talk about. Real world issues don’t exist to them because their families have become their real world. And in my real world, I am still struggling. No one checks in on me like they do when wanting monthly updates of pregnant friends. I need to find a group of sober women, who are child-free by choice, and like to travel.

I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Prozac again. He also had me set up an appointment with a therapist in his office but she is only there one day a week. I can not see her until June. Not sure if she works with alcoholics much, but at least I am getting a start. Maybe she can recommend someone.

And on a positive note, the city I am going to in two weeks is very expensive. I do not really want to waste my money on vodka and beer.

Yesterday, I got a nasty letter from a family member. I am not going to go info the details, but it got me very upset. I sat in my car crying for awhile. Then I thought a spinning class would help exercise out my feelings. But no classes starting nearby soon. I then thought yoga would help. Again, no classes available.  Instead I decided to go to an AA meeting.

I have been to this meeting previously. It is near my work and has meetings that end right before I go to work. It was an okay meeting and I even shared. It was a large group. I started to consider making it my home group. I left it feeling better.

Then an hour later, I got an email on a dating website.  It was a guy that I exchanged a few emails with a few months ago and then he deleted his account. It was a simple, friendly email asking how I was doing. I told him I have been busy with work, school and traveling.

Then this morning, he replies that he think he saw me at the AA meeting. He said he recognized me from the website. He restarted his account just to message me. Next time I see him at a meeting, I should say hi.

I thought AA meant Alcoholics ANONYMOUS!  His message made me feel so awkward.  What if somone else recognizes me? What if it is a crazy guy from a dating site that starts to stalk me? What if somone from work sees me leaving there? They know I am not Christian so it would seem odd that I am hanging out in a church right before work.

I regretted sharing. I am not going to those meetings anymore. Not sure if I want to go to any in this area now. It would seem like this should be a happy moment like “oh you finally met a guy” but he did not seem interested in seeing me again besides bumping into each other at a meeting. Why did he have to message me? He could have said something at the meeting or waited until we did bumped into each other. I want to delete my dating site account. I don’t want to take that chance anymore.

And I feel depression is hitting me again. I am avoiding Facebook now cause one more engagement or pregnancy announcement might push me over to edge. I am starting to be tired of being alone.

Tonight I went to see a show with a famous celebrity in it.  Actually,  I saw the show the other night.  Tonight I returned to the theater for an autograph and photos.  I got the autograph and only one semi-good photo.  The rest were blurry.  I was happy and excited.  I met some other people who were also waiting for autographs and photos.  We swapped stories about other celebrities we have seen in the past.

After he got in his black SUV and left,  I heard a woman make a comment she saw another celebrity go into a bar across the street. She bet that Our Celebrity would go there too. I said “but he drove away?” She said that was to throw off the fans. So I decided to take the chance. She and I both went to the bar.

It was actually a nice tavern with food and drinks.  I told the host I just wanted a snack. Could I sit in the bar area? He said there were no seats but I could wander until a seat came available. I felt silly. Like a stalker. I asked to use the bathroom. It was occupied. I stood by the door waiting.

As I was waiting, the Celebrity walked in. OMG. OHMIGOD. He walked right past me. He was a foot away from me and looked gorgeous.  I wanted to pull out my phone and snap a photo but that felt rude away from the stagedoor. I saw him walk to the back of the bar and met up with some lesser – famous celebrities. I was shaking. The celebrity group moved into a closed-off room in the back. I used the bathroom.

I started to walk around the bar while casually looking to the back. Could I get glimpse? How would I try for a photo?  Then I saw some people leaving their spot at the bar.  I grabbed myself a seat. Asked for a menu. Kept turning my head to peek at the entrance to the back room.

The reason I am posting the story on a blog about sobriety is because I REALLY WANTED A DRINK! I wanted to order wine. One glass.  Something to calm my nerves.  Something to make me blend in. I was starting to imagine how good a glass of Shiraz would taste. If he comes out from the back, maybe I would have liquid courage to say hi. Tell him I love the show. Maybe offer to buy him a beer. I am not sure if I wanted the drink more to sedate my excitement or lower my inhibitions. But I really, really wanted a drink. I can not remember the last time I felt a trigger this strong. I even went to an AA meeting today. But I still considered throwing away 1 year, 1 month and 21 days of sobriety over one hot celebrity.

I ordered Diet Coke instead. Lots. I was tired and needed caffeine.  And even though I quit Diet Coke a few months ago, I was not upset I relapsed on that.  I had to keep telling myself over and over that I do not want to start over again. Even if I never tell anyone and manage to keep it to one glass of wine,  I would have thrown away so much progress. I ordered some food. I texted a few friends and browsed Facebook. I killed that desire. But it did not die easily.

The celebrities left as I asked for my check.  They looked tipsy. One tripped over the red rope that quarantined their private party off. One looked me right in the eye and I wanted to say something but I froze. I felt scared. They continued on their way. I paid my bill and continued on my way also. 

The whole ride home,  I felt nervous. I feared that feeling of weakness. It would have been so easy to order a drink and try to pretend it never happened.  I felt I was reduced to the helpless feelings I felt a year ago in early sobriety.

I cried. I never expected this many mixed emotions about seeing a celebrity. Or is it because of the strong temptation I felt?  I think both. 

I think it is time I look for a sponsor.

I was listening to the radio yesterday morning. They were discussing reactions to finding out your significant other posed nude for a magazine. Some people said it would not bother them but the secret kept from them would bother them. Then they started asking if they all had dark secrets th at no one else knows or they don’t share with husbands and wives.

It made me think of my dark DUI secrets. I do tell some friends and usually it is shaken off because they know others that got arrested for drunk driving or they got caught themselves.

But how many of those people crashed a year old car into a ditch? How many spent a week in jail instead of one night in the “drunk tank”? Yet after two months of sobriety after my release, I went back to partying and drinking.

Will I confess my DUI to future relationships? Will I reveal the details to them? It seems anytime I fill out an application for anything (job, apartment,  travel visas), I must answer whether I have ever been convicted of a crime. Everyone tells me that it should not have to be disclosed unless it happened within so many years (five, seven, ten?) But when I fill out forms, they always ask EVER convicted. It will follow me forever.

It wasn’t just a mistake. It was not some normal slip of the mind. I put my life and other lives at risk. And I did not learn a lesson because an alcoholic puts her addiction before anything else. I avoided driving drunk again for a few years by living in areas with great public transportation systems. But four years later after my last DUI, I had a few incidences where I have no idea how I drove home.  Hit a wall in a parking lot once and don’t remember it.  Had friends tell me horror stories of being the passenger in my car but letting me drive because they couldn’t drive manual shift. I am sure a third DUI will happen if I drink again.

Now I am worried about a visa application for a country. I had to list that I was arrested twice.  I am going to the consulate tomorrow.  I have my arrest ticket, court papers, and letters that I completed mandated alcohol programs. I hope the DUIs do not make them decline my application.

I need to blog about the whole DUI and jail experience.  Not sure how much I will tell a future spouse but I will spill the beans with cyberland.