Hungry Like A Wolfie

I was supposed to celebrate 80 days of sobriety by going to a New Wave party with a Duran Duran theme. I did not go. I was planning to dress as a wolf for the party. But I decided I did not want to take the chance. I did not know anyone else going besides the DJs. They would be too busy to socialize much. I did not want to be in a bar without friends with whom to hang out and dance. I would feel lonely. I would want a bottle of beer to stand with and make me feel at ease.

I had a good friend post on Facebook that he was in a nearby city. I wanted to see a play in the city. We agreed to meet up after the show.

I picked up a ticket for the show and had three hours to kill. I have proven already I could be in this city and not want a drink. I thought avoiding temptation would be easier by now. But last night, it felt different.

This time, those Happy Hour signs seemed to jump out on the sidewalk. They wanted to trip me. I was being watched by all the patrons on the patios with their wine glasses and their eyes beckoned me to join. “Just one glass”. It would be nice to have a glass and read my book. The desire was a ghost haunting me as I walked down the street. It whispered in my ears to give up this silly sobriety thing.

I think being alone caused the craving. Or because it was nice weather. Or my mind was weak. It made me sad. I wanted it exorcised. I thought I was having an easy time with not drinking. That damn, fucking Wolfie found me!

I dodged the bars. I went for a manicure/pedicure instead. Then I went for dinner at an Indonesian place. I ordered ginger tea. The two women at the table next to me kept ordering glasses of wine. Three each by the time I finished my meal. They should have got a bottle instead.

An non-alcoholic would not count how many glasses of wine strangers had.

After the play, my friend was outside waiting. We found a cafe for tea. We haven’t seen each other since October. We had a lot of catching up to do. A couple weeks ago, I told him I quit drinking. He told me he did also. He did it to be healthier. He is vegan. He high-fived me when I told it has been 80 days for me.

We compared public reactions to both veganism and alcoholism. He said how hard it is to find someone to date that supports his lifestyle. He said people seem to get offended by his eating habits. People tell him it is not healthy. I feel that is like people trying to tell me I do not have a problem. His diet and my abstaining should not affect other people. Why are people bothered by it?

I confessed how hard the afternoon was. It has seemed easy most of the past 2 1/2 months. He said it will get easier. I am not sure it will. It sucks. That Wolfie. That ghost. That desire. She will always be there. I just have to learn to handle that bitch.

I think after I am done in my current location and move, I am gonna seek professional help. I want to find a therapist. The thought of drinking again scares me the shit out of me.

Mistake # 81- I used to be a regular at the New Wave night when I lived in that city. I am sure I did many stupid things. But I remember one night in particular: I introduced myself to a cute guy. He already knew my name. He said “um, yea, we met at the last New Wave night. We made out in that corner.” I was so embarrassed. I ignored him the rest of the night and avoided him any other time I saw him. I do not want that embarrassment or fear anymore!

Brew Blues

I booked a flight to go to a reunion in June. Everyone just voted to have it at a brewery. And at one of my favorite breweries.

I am sort of excited to test my willpower but also worried I will fail. I will be four and half months sober by then. It will be nice to be able to handle being around alcohol one day. I just have to keep remembering that I CAN NOT DRINK! Not even one. No matter how tempting a glass of beer might be, some IPA could lead to DUI or STD or DEATH (eventually.)

And I really, really want a huge treat for one year sober. Since it will be next January,  I was starting to think of rewarding myself with a trip to Iceland to see the Northern Lights.

My brain has been having those inner battles again:

“Just one won’t hurt.”… “Who are you kidding? You won’t stop at one.”

“I can drink and not get drunk.”… “Really? You think you believe that? Why drink if that fuzzy buzz wasn’t the goal?”

“I can drink responsibly.”… “Well your arrest record would disagree with that.”

I know a lot of sober bloggers will refer to that bitch voice as Wolfie. I joined the 100 Day Challenge but have not actually read the story or meaning to Wolfie. I hope whoever that voice is, she is not joining me on my trip in June. Can I report her to TSA to keep her off the plane?

I took this photo for SoberLearning’s 120 days but did not get around to posting it. So here is a treat for you:

 

image

Mistake # 71- I went to Tijuana, Mexico with a few friends. I was living in San Diego. I was 18 years old. Got drunk on tequila and Sex on the Beach. I met a guy who went to school with my friends. He was cute. We started making out.

The rest I was told next day: the guy and I were getting hot and heavy in the bar. I don’t remember. Cops came in and took us out. They said they were going to arrest us for indecent behaviour. I started crying and begging them not to arrest us. The guy gave the cop his watch. The cop said we were free to go but had to leave Mexico right away. The guy and I left and walked to the border. Our friends found us at the bus stop on the American side waiting for them. I was passed out on the bench. They had to drag me on the bus.

Waking up the next day in my bed with a hangover was better than waking up in Mexican jail.