Sober Concert

A friend invited me to a concert in a park. It was free. It was a band I did not know. But I wanted to see her again. We haven’t lived in the same area for about 4 years and she was near the city I am visiting before she moves overseas.

I loved the show. And since it was in a public park, no booze. It is the kind of show most of my friends would suggest sneaking in alcohol. I have become good at hiding my drinks. Water bottles have been very useful for that.

The opening acts were dancers. Some hip hop type dancing. It was college age kids who learned the dance moves in a program from when they were teens. It was one of those programs to keep urban kids off the streets. I was impressed. I got a little teary eyed thinking “those kids are doing that sober. They are dancing and having fun. I can learn from them.”

My friend and I sat on the ground inbetween acts and caught up. I mentioned a few things about why I stopped drinking. She didn’t seem to have a problem with it. I can not remember if she ever saw me messed up but I am sure she heard the stories. Either way, she seemed more supportive than the two who I thought of as very close friends. She even said it must be nice to wake up in the morning with a clear head and not have to plan a sober driver.

Then I spotted a friend JF. I jumped up to say hello. He invited me to come join other friends that were sitting on a hill watching the concert. This is a group of party friends. They are all friends with P and C, my friends that were unsupportive all weekend. I was excited to see them but worried how they would react to my sobriety. My friend and I joined them anyway.

First, I don’t think anyone had alcohol. (Like I said, public park where it was not allowed.) Second, my sobriety never came up with them. And third, I learned that I can have fun at a concert without booze. And I CAN DANCE SOBER! The music was sort of Latino mixed with Brazilian and electronic. I was shaking my butt and moving my hips.

I am not sure how things will be at other events with these friends. But I feel JF would be supportive. He offered me drinks at an event last November and I declined because I was on a drinking break. He said “good for you!” Not like P and C who criticized me for taking a drinking break around the holidays. But it cheered me up to think I have some support in that group of friends.

Oh and I forgot… I went to an AA meeting today. It was in the back of a coffee shop. I thought it was great. I shared about my experience with P and C. I cried. A few people came up to me after to give me advice and share words. I was glad none of them told me get a sponsor or anything about working the steps. They didn’t shove the AA dogma down my throat. They told me to come back to this meeting whenever I am in the area. And for some reason, there was something about that meeting that made me think I will start trying to program more. I will wait until I move out here to get a sponsor. This meeting somehow made AA more attractive.
And they gave out chips. I think I really have resentment against the meetings back where I live for not giving chips except for 90 days and anniversaries.

Mistake 138- The day after P and C’s wedding, I spent it with the best man Playboy, two of the groomsmen and the wife of one of those groomsmen. We had lunch. I was the only one drinking beer at lunch. Then we decided to go to a park. We had all of the leftover booze from the wedding in our vehicles. We had a few bottles of wine and Solo cups. We sat in the park in the late afternoon drinking.

I was friends with the one groomsman. The married one did not seem to like me from the moment I met him. His wife was okay but seemed as if she was tolerating me. I got very paranoid about why they did not like me. My answer to the paranoia or maybe in a way to forget it was to drink more wine.

As the sun was going down, the one groomsman, who I was good friends with, had to leave. The married couple and Playboy wanted to go to a nearby casino. I should not have driven but I did. We all had separate cars. I lost them along the way.  I caught up with the three of them in the parking lot of the casino.

I think Playboy and I started to argue about something before even leaving the park. Whatever the argument was about continued in the parking lot. It continued all the way into the casino. It was something about money I owed him for some booze. I told him if we go right to the ATM, I will get him the money. The three of them were walking quickly like they wanted to get away from me. So as soon as we entered, I got stubborn and walked off to a restaurant. I stopped in the gift shop to pick up some gossip magazine (which I normally never read) to read while I ate alone. I ordered more wine with dinner. I sat there at this table alone, trying to read, and crying while I ate.

I went to my car. I knew I was in no condition to drive. I slept. Playboy came by my car and banged on the window. Then he started to yell at me for being dramatic. I told him I was in no condition to drive. But I was so upset at him waking me up, I decided to leave the casino. I drove 2 hours to my friends’ house. I do not think I was legal to drive but I guess that nap in the car sobered me up enough to not be obviously drunk.

Reunion… Success!

I went to my reunion last night that I was nervous about two months ago. It is amazing how I feel different since writing that post. Back in April, I was so worried about my desire to drink. Now, I was more worried I would be late. Or bored that I had nothing in common with my old classmates. Or my skin was too broken out or I looked too fat.

I was not worry I would ruin my sobriety.

I arrived and walked around to try to recognize anyone. I spotted one familiar face talking to a group of people. I went to the bar and ordered an unsweetened ice tea.  I wanted to walk up to the group armed.

I had a good time. No one asked me if I wanted a beer. No one asked me why I wasn’t drinking. We all shared stories of where our lives had gone the past twenty years. We shared stories from back in school. We shared travel stories and destinations we would like to go. I was there for three hours. There were a few moments when I thought I would like to just sip someone’s beer. But the desire was not strong.

As far as my unsupportive friends I am staying with, they continue to make ignorant comments. At lunch today, they made a big deal out of finding a place with good cocktails. Then they tasted each others and offered me a sip. “Oh, so you can’t even sip it?” We went to a farmers market where they wanted to stop at a booth to taste beer cupcakes. I kept walking. We bought some sausages and the guy selling them suggested boiling them in water or beer before grilling. They both said “and we got plenty of beer for that!”

I was trying not to make a big deal out of it. But once in a while, I would share one of my drunk stories. They kept quiet. I felt I wanted to stress reasons why I am not drinking, but I guess they just don’t understand that I can not even handle a little bit.

It seems they enjoyed my drunk mistakes. They enjoyed me being the embarassment. They enjoyed me falling over and stories of my one night stands. I remember once I commented about wondering if anyone I slept with would be at an event and he said with a laugh “well who HAVEN’T you slept with”.

Then tonight, I invited a friend over to join us for dinner. She asked if she could bring anything. I told her I quit drinking but P and C might like beer or wine. She said she wouldn’t be drinking alcohol because she had a long drive.  When she got here, my friends didn’t seem to understand why she did not want even one drink. “Not even one?” They drank. They drank lots. I could tell that C was drunk soon. She even decided to bake some dessert that she almost burnt because she forgot about it. I sat there thinking  “I am really enjoying being sober. I am glad I am not acting drunk.” I still enjoyed the night because of the conversations. My friend had a lot of great stories to share about her travels. When P and C were out of the room, I overheard them discussing going out or not. C said “well if they just want to sit and talk, let them.” I felt they thought we were boring for not wanting to go to a bar or club.

When my friend was leaving, I offered to walk her to her car which was parked in another parking lot. C offered to drive us there because she needed to move her car. I offered to move her car. I did not feel she should be driving. I even asked her and got the response of “yea, no problem!” I then realized all the times I was drunk and said I was fine, I was too nervous to admit I wasn’t. There were times I should not have been driving but I was embarrassed I was so drunk. “Yea I am okay” was a denial of how much I drank and my problem.

We had her drive us down to the other lot. She did drive okay. But I am almost sure that she would have received a DUI if she was pulled over. Thankfully it was a quick drive there, drop off my friend, and then back to our lot. I did not want to insist of driving or refusing her ride because I did not want to come off as the sober preacher. I risked my life by getting in the car with her driving to avoid offending her.

Once again, being around drunk people helped reinforce my desire to stay sober. And I might mourn this relationship if it end. But I know I love myself enough to put my sobriety before anyone and anything else.

Mistake 137- I met my friend that came for dinner last night many years in a chat room. I once was a moderator of the chat room. I was supposed to warn people who were acting wrong or misbehaving “in” the room and then block them if they did not behave.

I woke up one morning hungover and signed into the chat room. A cyber friend started to tell me how I was so funny the night before in the chat room. I did not remember what I said. As a moderator, I had access to previous conversations and private IMs. So I went back to check what I said.

I told my friend I was surprised he could comprehend my typing. But it basically was typos in capital letters stating how I needed to get laid, I wanted to be fucked, and I wanted pussy. Over and over. I was so embarrassed. It was an international chatroom. Did I offend anyone? He said I was entertaining.

I demoted myself from being moderator. I told my friend that gave me the position that I was not qualify to tell others how to behave when I could not control myself when drunk.

Sorry if anyone reading this is offended by my curse words. I feel I need to use them at times to fully express my story, situations, and feelings.

Unsupportive Friends

I am staying with my good friends P and C this weekend. They just happen to be the last people with whom I got drunk. I was nervous about being sober around them. I was worried about their reaction. And I am now starting to wonder if these are two friends I might have to let slip away.

The first hour or two, there was no mention of my sobriety. I started asking them about their house hunting. Then we talked about my living situation and job. We talked about some events in our lives the past few months.  We talked about my family. I was happy that they did not offer me any of the wine they were drinking. But they didn’t offer me anything to drink. I couldn’t help but feel everything seemed awkward.

After a while of offers of nothing, I got up to get myself some water. Then I sat down to continue the conversation. When my glass was empty, he jumped up to offer to refill it. He kept asking if I wanted lemon or grapefruit squeezed in it. They have a soda water machine if I wanted bubbles. I said no thanks but he insisted on lemon. I guess plain water was too strange.

We talked a few more hours and avoided the talk of my sobriety. Then I mentioned that my reunion is at a brewery. I said that is gonna suck. “Oh yea, cause you aren’t drinking?” Yep. I quit. He squirmed and changed the subject.

Later, after she went to bed, it came up again. This time I mentioned I have been sober more than 4 months. He didn’t seem impressed. I said “actually my last drink was with you guys.” I did not hear a “way to go.” No “congratulations”. It seemed like he was mourning. Like that uncomfortable feeling you get when someone says their grandmom died and you do not know what their relationship to their grandmom was like. How should you react?

I tried to tell him how great I felt. How happy I am. I said I was sad that I haven’t lost weight.

“Booze doesn’t affect your weight. Diet and exercise do.” Really? Booze is not included in diet? He told me how he lost weight by cutting out carbs. Isn’t alcohol liquid carbs? He said their diet is 60% veggies and it helps keep them thin. They also eat a lot of fruit. But they also drink a lot. I guess he is thinking of hops and barley as veggies and grape wine as fruit.

I told him my thoughts of going for a degree in psychology. He asked what would I do with that. I said “maybe become a therapists for alcoholics”.
“That is a lost cause.”
I could not believe he said that. He started to say that alcoholics will never change. I said “I DID!” He responded “but that is you. You are different. You have the strength.”
I was fuming. Then I said I have thought of specializing in pregnant women with addictions.  He laughed. “Oh that is really a lost cause!” He said those people don’t want help. I wanted to punch him.

That was when I realized he is not gonna be a supportive friend. This might be my last time I go out of my way to visit them.

It made me want to crawl back in a shell. This is what a lot of society thinks of alcoholics. Do my friends think I am different cause I wasn’t on skid row?

He told me he has been trying to get his wife to cut back. And maybe he will cut back too. Just for his liver. The way he talked about it, I realized he thinks I cut back. He thinks I am moderating now. I can’t think of exactly what he said but it hinted that he thinks I will start drinking again. This is one of my “drinking breaks” with which they are so familiar.

I showed him the photo of my sundae from my first class flight. He said “that would go better with a glass of free champagne.”

Maybe I don’t have as much in common with them as I thought? Maybe boozing was our common thread? I was their maid-of-honor! Maybe in 10 years when they talk about their wedding, they will mention they lost touch with their maid-of-honor because she stopped drinking.

Now I am sitting here in their living room drinking coffee. She went to work. I woke up at 7:30 when she was getting ready. I think she was shocked. Usually I am hungover when I stay here. She told me to wake up P if he is not out of bed in an hour. I kept putting off taking a shower to avoid making him late for work. It is now 2 hours later. The alarm has been going off forever. He keeps hitting snooze. I took a shower. I have to go through their bedroom to get to the bathroom. I purposefully made noise. It didn’t wake him. Maybe if he wasn’t drinking wine until 2am, he would have no problem waking up. I feel waking him up is a lost cause.

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Mistake 136- When they asked me to be maid-of-honor, they also smiled and said “guess who is the best man!” I guess correctly. He is a good-looking guy that P has been forever hinting he wants me to get with. I once asked him “that guy is a playboy! Why do you want us together? He is not the relationship type.” P agreed but said he thinks we could have fun together. So when they giggled about making me and Playboy their witnesses, I felt they were hoping we would hook up.

And during the wedding rehearsal, Playboy started the charm. “You smell nice.” “You look great.” “Your legs look amazing in that skirt.” I accepted the compliments but thought to myself “No way! I am not falling for your lines.” A year before this, he bragged to me about all the young European girls he banged. Now he is trying to seduce me? He opened doors for me the rest of the evening and held the small of my back as I walked past him.

We had a great rehearsal dinner. The couple showed a video they had made of their relationship. When a photo popped up that had me and the best man with them, P nudged me.

I drank a lot of wine at the dinner. Then I took a few of the bridesmaids to get our nails done. I should not have been driving. One of them even made a comment. I even hit a small curb with my rental car.

I was staying in the same hotel as Playboy and a few of the groomsmen. We all decided to take the groom out for drinks while the bride did a few last-minute things with her family. I was not driving this time. So I drank a lot more.

Back at the hotel, the guys he was sharing a room with wanted to go to sleep early. We had a wedding the next day! Playboy asked about continuing drinking in my room. A wife of a groomsman joined us. We had fun. My mini-fridge was stocked with beer.  I kept saying I need to get to bed. I was meeting the bride early the next day for our hair.

Soon it was just me and Playboy in the room. And his charms worked on drunk me. We had sex. But I remember I was at least coherent enough to insist he use a condom. He tried to tell me he is “good” and doesn’t need one. I busted out laughing and reminding him he once confessed to me how he “bangs” a lot of girls.

I was late for the hair appointment. I was hungover. But I drank mimosas to clear that up. I told the bride what happened and she laughed. When I told her he tried to not use a condom, she said “ew!” When the groom found out, he seemed please.

I felt a little uncomfortable around Playboy the next day. We acted like nothing happened. I remember hoarding some anger at myself for sleeping with him. I let myself down.

Get by with Friends

Sober Señorita posted a great blog a month ago about what she learned her first year sober. I saw a friend today post a link to an article about her blog. Wow! I was so happy and impressed to see someone else on my Facebook post about sobriety that wasn’t me! He is a psych nurse so that might be his interest.  Or maybe he is questioning his drinking. Either way, I was happy someone else was advertising that there are great reasons to go sober!

I reposted the link on my Facebook. I mentioned I have been sober 4 1/2 months and asked if my friends did not understand why I quit drinking, please read the article. I related to her story so much. Ex party girl. A lot of embarrassments and disappointments. Tried to moderate and FAILED! And now so happy (even though still far from a year sober), I can not imagine going back to my drinking life. Sure, I had some good times. But having to daily remember another drunk mistake story is taking the glamour out of my drinking days.

I feel like I am in Clockwork Orange. I have my eyes pried open and I am forced to watch all the horrible things I did when drinking. It is a bizarre therapy. A self therapy. But so far, seems to be working.

As usual when I post on FB something about my sobriety, it did not get many comments or likes. Or not as many as I was hoping. I got more likes for this photo I posted:

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I want to scream “are you intimidated by my sobriety? Think it makes me boring? Worried how it reflects on you?” All I want is a little support from my friends in the form of hitting a like button. Guess they prefer funny memes and cat photos.

I get worried that I talk too much about my sobriety. But I would rather talk and be open about it than shamed and secretive. I read a lot of blogs about people not wanting to tell family and friends. People are worried they will appear weird for not drinking. I guess people are afraid of being judged. I know I am scared of that. Yet I also know I could not get through this without real life support. My friends that have been supportive and lent me an ear have been a huge help. Getting friends to share drunk stories I have forgotten (or blacked out to) has helped with my blog.

I used to get high with a little help from my friends. But now I am getting by with a little help from my friends.

Mistake 134- One friend commented on the link I shared about Sober Señorita’s blog. She said she quit for 6 months but now drinks daily without being a party girl. If she can moderate, good for her. But I told her I don’t remember much of the night we met 5 years ago. She doesn’t either.

We were in Peru. Met up through other aquaintances at a dinner. Then we all went dancing. I remember the place we ate at was upstairs cause I was scared going down the steps drunk. We did a lot of falling down on the way to the club. We danced and drank. I don’t remember much else about the night.

I was supposed to leave the next morning for a trip to see some canyons. I asked the guy I was staying with if I could stay at his place an extra day and leave for my trip the next day. I faked traveler’s diarrhea. But I was actually very hungover.  I wasted a whole day on my trip sleeping off a hangover.

Pompous Octopus

I had a friend that made a post on Facebook about the 10 year anniversary of his company. I would not have even noticed it if he did not tag me in it. I turned off following his profile because of his narcissism. I was also very annoyed with the last time we met up.

I had to visit his city last autumn. I was on a “drinking break” but not attempting sobriety yet. I asked if I could stay with him. He told me his roommate might be having someone stay on the couch but I am welcomed to share his bed. I saw no problem with that arrangement. We have known each other a long time and used to have casual sex back in the day. But that was ten years ago. I did not want to have sex with him on this visit or ever again. In fact, I never planned to have sex with him back in the day. It was always drunk sex. I used to always describe him as pompous but a fun drinking buddy. Unfortunately, meeting at the pub usually lead to waking up with him in my bed. I always regretted it but kept drinking with him.

During this last visit, we meet up at a bar. He was slightly drunk. He introduced me to some other drunk friends. I managed to drink my diet Cokes and felt proud I was not drinking beers with them. I told everyone I was not drinking for 2 months to prove to myself I could do it. (These past 106 sober days would have seemed impossible at that time.) But I was tired so we eventually said farewell to his bar buddies (that he just met) and I followed him to his place in my rental car. He insisted he was okay to drive and he got home fine. We walked into his apartment and his roommate was sitting on the couch. She was alone. She did not have someone staying on the couch like he said. That should have been a warning flag. After brief introduction, I went to the bedroom and to the bed that I was to share to sleep.

I did not sleep well that night. He spent the whole night touching me. He kept his hand on my butt or trying to wrap his arms around me.THANK GOD I was sober. I dozed a little but was unable to completely sleep because I was not sure where his hands would go next. I should have said something but I was tired. I should have got up and left but I did not have money for a hotel. I did not want to upset him but I was mad. Did he make up that story about his roommate’s friend on the couch to get me into his bed?

I woke up the morning and left for my meeting. I got to the meeting early so I could nap in the car in the parking lot. After my meeting, I texted my ex-boyfriend to see if I could stay with him that night. I should have stayed with him in the first place but I was worried that would be too hard. I still had feelings for him. I thought it would be easier to stay with the friend with the roaming hands. But I did not want to fight Mr Octopus again. The Ex welcomed me into his place and I gave some excuse to Pompous Octopus. I have not seen him since.

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

In this tag on Facebook, he commented that summer he started his company, he refers to as the “Summer of Sin”. He credited me and another friend as the reasons. I felt nauseous. I do not want to be memorialized by him for intoxicated intercourse. I do not want to be memorialized for sex I can not remember. Did we really have that much drunk sex for him to think about me when thinking of a whole summer? It makes me sick and sad. I want to be known for my accomplishments and personality. Not my blackouts and debauchery.

I met up with Pompous Octopus in 2008 in another city. It was Christmas weekend. I had some friends staying with me and we took two cars to a bar near him. It was a thirty minute drive. We all had fun. I did not drink much because I was driving. (It was still close enough after my 2nd DUI for me to be a responsible driver.) I invited Pompous to come to Christmas dinner with us the next night at a friend’s house. I explained there would be people from all over the world at the dinner. He accepted the invitation and asked about coming back to my place with us that night. Since my living was full of my friends, I told him he could share my bed. Then he had roaming hands that night. I was mad because I spent the whole evening talking about my new boyfriend. He knew I was dating someone but still thought he had a chance with me. The next morning, he asked if I could give him a ride to his place, an hour away, so he could change his clothes. Once we got there, he changed his mind and said he was going to skip dinner and stay home. Again, I was mad. He never wanted to join us for dinner. He just wanted to get in my bed. He never offered me gas money either.

Thinking back on all of this, I wonder why I stay friends with him. Why do I stay friends with a lot of people?

Mistake # 106- All and any times I had drunk sex with him. I was not attracted to him when sober. We became friends because we both like to get drunk and lived near each other. I do not blame him for the drunk sex. I just do not know why I kept hanging out with a guy when I kept repeating the same regrets.

New Mug and Sober Triggers

My mom came to visit yesterday. She brought me this gift: Purple Flower Mug

(In case you can not read the picture, the mug says “The Best Things in Life are the people we love, the places we’ve been  and the memories we’ve made along the way.”)

It is a large mug and she knows I like large mugs. Plus she knows I like purple. But the message was the best part for me. Having memories is so much better than blackouts!  And I have a new mug for all my herbal teas.

The visit was nice. She again asked how the “not drinking thing” is going and how I feel. I sometimes worry I talk too much about my sobriety with her but I like having her as an outlet. I can not discuss it at work and my friends on Facebook still seem uncomfortable with it.

The only thing she said that annoyed me was “It is a shame. That is what people do. Meet out for drinks.” I told her I can still go out and I am even willing to go to places with alcohol. I will just order water with lemon. I have to just keep reminding myself I can not drink just like her boyfriend, who is diabetic, has to avoid certain foods. Or anyone with an allergy has to avoid certain things.

I kept trying to share with her some of my drunk stories to stress to her how much I drank. When we used to share a bottle of wine, she would have a glass and I would drink the rest. She seems to block out the times I spent at her house sleeping all day after being up all night emptying her wine rack. She always thought of my DUIs as unfortunate mistakes. Maybe she is worried if she admits I have a problem, it is somehow her fault?

I am realizing that when I do finally get around to working on the 12 steps, I really need to make amends to her even if she does not recognize it. “Sorry mom for all those times you were worried when I was out drinking. Sorry for making you drive 6 hours away to bail me out of jail. Sorry for you returning to that city for my court date.  Sorry for all I put you through.”

After she left, I went to the grocery store. I was stocking up on veggies and ingredients for salads. I am determined to drop weight in the next month. I have a reunion June 7. I also bought some unsweetened tea and large gallon of water. I am going to put lemon, lime, mint, and cucumbers in the jug of water. Then I am gonna drink at least half of it each day. Keep refilling it. Hope it helps.

I walked past the beer section in the store. I glanced at some summer ale. For a brief second, I thought “I could just stop. I could just give up this sober thing. I could always try again later.” But I kept walking. I thought I worked too hard to stop now. This “sobriety thing” needs to be a forward thing. No backpedaling. No breaks. I do not want to think of the self-loathing that would follow if I drank that beer.

I picked up my last item but the sober-drink battle kept floating in my brain. It was not really a battle. Just a lingering thought. Just images of me sitting in bars. Just one drink in my hand.

Then a man passed me. He was wearing a hat from a university I used to want to attend. A university in a city that I was planning to move to until plans changed in January. That was when I found out I could not get the job I wanted because of my two DUIs. They said it did not matter how long ago the DUIs were. My plans for the job and moving there were canceled. That was when I decided to get sober. And seeing his hat was a reminder of why I quit drinking alcohol. It triggered me back to happy, sober land. I do not want anymore plans changed or futures ruined from my drunk mistakes. I am gonna keep being sober and even if my life does not become perfect, it will be a hell of a lot better than where it was going. I actually want to be alive.

Now I am gonna enjoy some mint tea.

Mistake # 105- I graduated college. My mom came to my graduation with my sister and nephew who was a baby. They stayed at a hotel. I joined them to stay in the room one night. My sister and I waited until my mom and the baby fell asleep. Then we snuck out of the hotel. I wanted to celebrate! Two women in their mid-twenties sneaking out like teenagers.

We went down to some bars that were walking distance. (I had a restricted driver license because this was after my first DUI.) We got drunk. We met some guys. They tried to invite us back to their place. We declined because we knew our mom would be too upset if we were not back by morning. We stumbled in the hotel room after last call at 2am. We tried to be quiet but for some reason, drunk people sound like elephants even when tip toeing. We woke my mom and she just warned us not the wake the baby. We slept in until the afternoon the next day while she took the baby out for breakfast and shopping. My sister and I got drunk again that night. Maybe the birth of my nephew distracted my mom from me and my sister’s alcoholism.

Getting Over Being Lonely

The other day I wrote about how it sucks to be sober and single. It is hard to meet anyone even though I know that I should not be focusing my energy on meeting someone. I need to be vigilant about my sobriety and do not need a boy (or girl) messing that up. But I have been lonely the past three months. And honestly, it is more about being horny than wanting companionship.fuck buddy

Makes me realize there have been times where I wanted to be with someone and I drank to get the courage to make a move. Or if they shot me down, “I was drunk” was my excuse for being so foolish. Not all of my one-night stands were drunken mistakes. With my low self-image, I felt like I accomplished something if a drunk person I wanted slept with me. I have had some boyfriends complain that I had to get drunk to have sex. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian.

I have an ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for a year and half, and I got him drunk the first night we had sex. We started the night sharing a bottle of wine, which was actually the two of us chugging it while waiting in line for a concert. Once inside, I kept buying two beers in the beer line with the excuse it was to save time. He did not have much money because he was traveling. I encouraged him to drink some of my two cups. I do not remember when our first kiss was and the first sex that night was lousy. I thought it was going to be one night but then we started traveling together and it turned into a relationship. But I always questions his TRUE feelings for me and said “if I did not get you drunk that first night, we would never be together!” It is not a good way to start a loving, commitment.

To solve my “dating” sober problem, I asked a friend for help. Isn’t part of recovery reaching out and asking for help?

I texted him: “Trying to figure out how to ask this and if you say no, no problem. But I am finding trying to date sober sucks. Would it ever be okay to come visit for a booty call?”

I did not realize he did not have my phone number saved in his phone. Thankfully he guessed who it was. I responded that it is a good thing he doesn’t have many sober friends. He did not think I was serious. When I assured him I was, he said I can visit whenever for what any reason.

But his best response was “you’re not giving up on sobriety, are you?” That made me so happy. It made me think he is more concerned for my sobriety than getting laid. That is a good friend. A good friend with benefits! He can be my temporary playtoy. My sex sponsor.

I am just really nervous how this is going to work sober. I have had “fuck buddies” in the past but alcohol was always involved. Sober sex? I guess I need to learn to get used to a lot of activities in a sober state. Sober dancing. Sober concerts. Sober knitting.

Just kidding. I do not know how to knit. But maybe I can learn.

Mistake # 104- I lost my purse with my wallet and a nice jacket from London, but not my phone. I was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. I do not remember if the night started out with friends but I know I was in the bar alone when kicked out. Since I had no wallet, I could not pay for a taxi. I drunk texted a few friends asking for a ride. One guy offered to come pick me up to take me home. Then another friend offered me a ride. I replied “it’s okay, a fuck friend is picking me up.” But I accidentally sent the text to the friend that was picking me up. He wrote back “I hope that is not how you think of me.”

I waited for him, sitting on the sidewalk, with my back leaning against the wall. I jumped up when his car pulled up and ran to his car. I apologized for the drunk text and thanked him for picking me up. Then I drunkenly explained we were two friends that had casual sex so we sort of were “fuck friends.” Our friendship fizzled out after that night.

No more drunk texts is one of my favorite sober benefits.

Sober Soup

Today I am 100 days sober.

I still feel I am treading the waters here. It does not feel like I am taking the plunge into sobriety yet. It seems like a test run. A competition. A challenge. Did I win yet?

I feel I have gotten this far with a sober soup. It is a mixture of different things. Belle’s 100 Day challenge was the broth. I added to that daily blogging, reading other sober blogs, reading my journals, reading memoirs such as Carolyn Knapp’s Drinking: A Love Story and Kristen Johnston’s Gutsand reading articles about alcoholism. The support from real life friends and the cyber sober community was like spices added to this soup. It made it work. This mixture kept me from drinking alcohol the past 100 days. (AA meetings were the salt and pepper. I only needed a little bit.)

I feel I have this sober genie sitting inside of me. He sometimes is in my chest. Sometimes my stomach. When I think about having a drink, he punches me. He grabs my esophagus and says “Go ahead but I am gonna make you puke it up and regret it!” He holds a knife to my liver and threatens to rip it apart. He runs into my brain with a napkin soaked in chloroform. I know both booze and that will poison my memory. When I choose not to drink, he flicks his chin up and says “Yea! That is what I THOUGHT you’d do.” He is like a bully but one I need.

I am scared this genie won’t stick around. He is gonna eat all this soup and leave.

265 more days of blogging about mistakes, regrets, and other mishaps from my drinking problem. I have daily blogging to keep me accountable.

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Mistake #100- Was visiting my sister in 2002. We invited a guy that I used to date to go out with us. We ended up at a gay bar. I got wasted and left with some girl. I just left my sister there with a guy that she barely knew. There were some nasty messages on my voicemail when I woke up the next day.

Put things in Perspective

I was mentally preparing today’s blog. It was going to be about cyber support being better than Facebook friend support. I was upset that I made a post on Facebook about being 90 days sober and only got a few likes. Even the people that seem to “like” every post I make did not click like on this. It made me feel as if I had been ditched. Like no one came to my party. EVERYONE wants to steer away from the sober chick. I was being self-centered and overanalyzing and that was getting me angry.

Then I read a post realizing that one friend that will never know about my sobriety. My friend that was in a coma died today.

I regret not going to see him in January now. But I know I can not change that. I have so many regrets that I can not change. And there might be other friends that I will never see again due to changes in plans or unexpected circumstances.  That is how life goes.

So what if I do not get enough “likes” on a Facebook post? I still have my life and sobriety. Also, it doesn’t mean everyone on my Facebook friends list are against my sobriety. I am sure a few are and many do not understand why I decided to do this. I hid my problem well. And there are some who prefer me as a drunk. Those are people I will not miss.

I do not need every person in the world to accept my sobriety. I just need to accept it. It is my life I am saving. And the support of a handful of real life friends has been helpful.

Last autumn, I read a book Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (while fully clothed and totally sober by Harlan Cohen. It was good. The thing I took from it the most was that there will be thousands of people who will not like me but I need to care about the hundreds that do. I need to focus on the people that support my sobriety and not get upset over those that do not.

Thanks again to everyone who liked and commented yesterday on my 90 day anniversary.
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Mistake # 91- I was at a party at my friend’s house. She lived a mile away from me. She said I got mad at one of our other friends and then disappeared. They did not notice at first. Then they could not find me when they realized I was gone. My car was still out front. They kept calling and calling my phone. I finally answered it. Turns out, I was so mad, I left and walked home. And I must have grabbed my box-of-wine and walked home holding it. I had it on my nightstand.

I do not remember leaving the party. Thankfully I got home okay.

Hungry Like A Wolfie

I was supposed to celebrate 80 days of sobriety by going to a New Wave party with a Duran Duran theme. I did not go. I was planning to dress as a wolf for the party. But I decided I did not want to take the chance. I did not know anyone else going besides the DJs. They would be too busy to socialize much. I did not want to be in a bar without friends with whom to hang out and dance. I would feel lonely. I would want a bottle of beer to stand with and make me feel at ease.

I had a good friend post on Facebook that he was in a nearby city. I wanted to see a play in the city. We agreed to meet up after the show.

I picked up a ticket for the show and had three hours to kill. I have proven already I could be in this city and not want a drink. I thought avoiding temptation would be easier by now. But last night, it felt different.

This time, those Happy Hour signs seemed to jump out on the sidewalk. They wanted to trip me. I was being watched by all the patrons on the patios with their wine glasses and their eyes beckoned me to join. “Just one glass”. It would be nice to have a glass and read my book. The desire was a ghost haunting me as I walked down the street. It whispered in my ears to give up this silly sobriety thing.

I think being alone caused the craving. Or because it was nice weather. Or my mind was weak. It made me sad. I wanted it exorcised. I thought I was having an easy time with not drinking. That damn, fucking Wolfie found me!

I dodged the bars. I went for a manicure/pedicure instead. Then I went for dinner at an Indonesian place. I ordered ginger tea. The two women at the table next to me kept ordering glasses of wine. Three each by the time I finished my meal. They should have got a bottle instead.

An non-alcoholic would not count how many glasses of wine strangers had.

After the play, my friend was outside waiting. We found a cafe for tea. We haven’t seen each other since October. We had a lot of catching up to do. A couple weeks ago, I told him I quit drinking. He told me he did also. He did it to be healthier. He is vegan. He high-fived me when I told it has been 80 days for me.

We compared public reactions to both veganism and alcoholism. He said how hard it is to find someone to date that supports his lifestyle. He said people seem to get offended by his eating habits. People tell him it is not healthy. I feel that is like people trying to tell me I do not have a problem. His diet and my abstaining should not affect other people. Why are people bothered by it?

I confessed how hard the afternoon was. It has seemed easy most of the past 2 1/2 months. He said it will get easier. I am not sure it will. It sucks. That Wolfie. That ghost. That desire. She will always be there. I just have to learn to handle that bitch.

I think after I am done in my current location and move, I am gonna seek professional help. I want to find a therapist. The thought of drinking again scares me the shit out of me.

Mistake # 81- I used to be a regular at the New Wave night when I lived in that city. I am sure I did many stupid things. But I remember one night in particular: I introduced myself to a cute guy. He already knew my name. He said “um, yea, we met at the last New Wave night. We made out in that corner.” I was so embarrassed. I ignored him the rest of the night and avoided him any other time I saw him. I do not want that embarrassment or fear anymore!