Tag Archives: suicide

Benefits of Having a Purpose in Life

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I read an article on NPR about a study that found people who feel they have a purpose in life live longer.

Of course, purpose means different things to different people. Hill says it could be as simple as making sure one’s family is happy. It could be bigger, like contributing to social change. It could be more self-focused, like doing well on the job. Or it could be about creativity.

…findings suggest that having “a sense of purpose may protect people against stress,” with all of its harmful effects, including greater risk of heart disease. And that may explain why people with a sense of purpose live longer.

I think it is hard for alcoholics to find a purpose during their drinking days. Or actually to find another purpose besides getting more alcohol. This feeling leads to more stress in addition to stress from the other troubles caused by the disease. Legal problems, health issues, relationship woes, and stress is a nasty recipe for a short, unhappy life.

I have always felt I have had purpose. Social change has always made me feel passionate. I am a tree hugger. I donate to help women and children in developing countries. I have volunteered and contributed to society. I felt my work was important.

But I still hated life. I hated myself. I felt I had to force myself to do so much good to make up for being so worthless. I was miserable on the inside even though everyone thought I was the happy party girl. I got to travel. What do I have to be depressed about?

I think the chemical effects of the alcohol plus the shame from my regrets made me depressed. I hid my feelings in the booze and the booze hid my self-worth. It poisoned me from being able to appreciate my purpose. For twenty years, I drank to try to be something or someone that people liked and I thought if everyone liked me, I would eventually like me too.

It took getting sober to finally like myself. Actually, now I love myself.

Mistake 189- I was in Goa, India and drunk alone. I do not remember how the night started or with whom I spent it. But I remember walking to my guesthouse drunk and depressed. I was listening to my iPod. Blue October’s “Into the Ocean” came on. I started crying. I kept walking late at night and crying and crying. I put the song on repeat. It was after midnight and most places were closed. But I kept walking, listening to this song over and over, and wishing I was dead. I thought about going down to the beach and drowning myself. I felt so miserable and lonely. It was not safe to be walking around in India alone at night like that but I do not think I was scared because I actually wanted harm to come to me.

Thankfully I made me way back to the guesthouse. Before passing out, I posted the video to the song on Facebook. I made some comment along with the video telling people not to be jealous or envious of my life and travels because most of the time I wanted to travel to death. Then I went to sleep.

The next morning, there were a lot of emails and comments. People were worried. I deleted the video link. I replied that I was just drunk. Ignore me. I put back on the happy mask and went back to my life of trying to get everyone to like me.

I really hope my suicidal tendencies will be cured with sobriety. So far, death is no longer a purpose for me.

Blue October – Into The Ocean: http://youtu.be/ZES3nJQYJok

Sleep is like Medicine

Posted in 90- 120 days by

4 months sober. 120 days. I did not treat myself this milestone. No cake. No flowers. No time for a facial or pedicure. It feels blah. Not bad. I actually feel good and happy for the most part. Just not as exciting as reaching 30, 60 and 90 days. 6 months sobriety still feels so far. Maybe I need to get to a meeting?

I started to write this blog while at work. I started a blog about my housing situation but then deleted it. I thought I did not want a blog about bitching. But my mood after work changed.

This morning, after working a night shift, I decided to drive 2 hours to REI to buy new shoes. That was not the smartest idea. I was tired and so cranky by the time I got to the store. I started to get depressed and over think on the drive. I started to picture getting in an accident and my mom’s reaction. Then thinking that my mom would be the only person in this world that cared if I died got me crying. I was driving down the highway, bawling, fantasizing about my own death.

After I bought my shoes, I took a nap in the car. I slept on and off almost 5 hours. But my car is packed for a festival this weekend. So I could not lay my seat down much and I could not sleep comfortable. I was still cranky when I woke up. I went and ate fast food. I ordered a Diet Coke and bitched to myself out loud “at least it isn’t a fucking beer.” I drove an hour towards my mom’s. Again, I got very sleepy. Pulled over in another parking lot and napped for two hours.

Maybe I got in a better position or maybe since it was darker due to rain clouds, but I slept better for those two hours. I woke up feeling such a better mood. I got to my mom’s house (knowing she was away). I unpacked a few things and went to bed.

I think tiredness is one of my worst enemies.

Mistake 120- I had a friend visit and stay with me for the weekend. We started out as cyber friends and he lives an hour away. This was maybe his 3rd or 4th visit and I visited him once. He was a flamboyant gay guy and liked to party.

I have no idea what happened that night but we got in a fight. And it was an ugly fight. He accused me of attacking him. He had scratches to prove it. But I do not remember it. He even tried to call his roommate to come get him but I unplugged the phones. I do not remember if he left during the night or the next morning. I remember I tried to take sleeping pills that night because I got so upset. But they were not enough because I eventually woke up.

He and I never spoke again but he went telling our community of cyber friends that I was crazy.

Worship the Bar

Posted in 90- 120 days by

Mistake # 101- I was in Queenstown,  New Zealand. I met a guy earlier that day on a bungee jump. I invited him to come out for drinks with me and my friend that night.

He arrived with a friend. I did not realize my friend invited a guy she met that day. She was off and busy with that guy dancing, drinking or making out. I was left to talk to the guy I met and his friend.

This guy was Irish. I remember this because he asked me what was my religion. I thought that was an odd question to ask someone you just met. I told him I had no religion. He asked “are you Catholic or Protestant?” as if those were the only two choices. I told him I was baptized Catholic but do not consider myself Catholic. He said “oh no, that is good enough. You are Catholic.” I got a bit offended.

“No, just because my parents made a choice for me while I was in diapers does not make me Catholic. This is my religion” as I pointed at the bar

I held my arms up towards the bar. I said I pray to the bartender gods. The drink menu is my bible. I actually got on my knees and started to bow towards the bottles of alcohol on the shelf. I stood up laughing. The guy and his mate just stared at me.

“I guess religion isn’t something to discuss when you first meet” he said.

We switched the topic to travel. He told me he was in Thailand last and on his way to Australia next. I said I was in Thailand in 1996.

“What, were you TEN?”

No, I was about 20. He then asked how old I was. I truthfully answered I was 31.

“WHAT! I am 24. I JUST turned 24 a few days ago. I thought you were 25 or 26 at most.”

Why thank you! I told him happy belated birthday. I said I was going to go to the bar for another drink. Would he like me to buy him a birthday drink. He said no thanks.

I grabbed a drink. Then I stopped to find my friend. I told her I predicted this night would end early. First he was upset about religion and now seems mad about my age. She told me not to worry and she returned to snogging her guy.

I went back to where I left the guys. They were gone. I looked around. I checked the bar. By the bathrooms. The dance floor. I waited to see if they would return. After 15 minutes, I realized they ditched me. I returned to my friend.

“I am too old to be here. Most of this bar is young 20s.” She told me to drink up. I will feel better.

This bar had a fun drink special. There was a flyer with photos of 10 pop icons. Each was the name of a drink. When you order one, they stamped the photo. After you ordered all 10, you got a free teapot. This was an actual large teapot full of a mixed drink. You pour the drink out of the spout into a small cup. I think they are meant to be shared. I made it my goal to get that free teapot.
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After about 6 drinks, my friend told me she was leaving for a shag. She said sorry. Then she left me at the bar alone. I sat at the bar, by myself, finishing off the pop icon drinks. I won my teapot. I sat there drinking it alone. I started crying. A guy I knew sat down next to me to ask if I was okay. I started to blab about being too old and men suck and he should just go away cause no one wants me. I guess he got up and left which made me cry more.

I left after that teapot but did not want to go back to my room. I was sharing a room with 7 other girls. I wanted to cry alone. So I went to the beach. It was a bit chilly. But I laid on the beach and cried and cried and cried. I remember looking at the water and contemplating going in. I wondered if a good swimmer could still drown. Or maybe I should go drink more until I could drown myself.

I kept thinking I was too old to be there and I will be alone forever. I did not see a point in living. But I was also worried what my friends would think if I failed. What if I just made an ass of myself? I started to picture the Kiwi papers “Drunk American Hospitalized For Hypothermia After Lame Suicide Attempt.” Fear of failure kept me from hurting myself.

I returned to my room a little before daybreak. I slept away most of the day with a hangover. I drowned my sorrows in those mixed drinks but thankfully not enough to drown myself.
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Saving My Life

I drove home early this morning from my friend’s house. I was listening to my Google Play mix on my phone. Fray’s song “How to Save a Life” came on. I love this song. It always reminds me of Grey’s Anatomy. But for the first time, I started to listen to the lyrics in a different way. I started to think “this sounds like it is about an intervention?”

The first lines:

Step one, you say, “We need to talk.”
He walks, you say, “Sit down. It’s just a talk.”

As I listened, I started to picture someone trying to help a friend get sober. It mentions fear and blame and defense. “Lay down a list of what is wrong…The things you’ve told him all along.” I started crying by the time I got to the lyrics:

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

I listened to the song on repeat several times and kept crying as I drove. Why have I never heard the lyrics this way before?

I read up about the meaning of the song once I got home. Isaac Slade, the songwriter, said the song was composed and influenced by his experience while working as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens. He said a lot of people started to write to him what they thought the song meant. The band was open to interpretation of the meaning. I do not think I will ever hear it again without comparing it to saving my own life with sobriety.

Mistake # 76 – I was on spring break and vacation from work. I was not getting along with my roommate. I was depressed. My plan was to drink a case of beer with sleeping pills. I actually stopped at the store to buy a garden hose. The full plan was to drive out in the country side, put the hose in the tailpipe of my car and through my window, drink the beer, and take the pills. I figured the combination would be the best option. But I got so depressed, I did not even want to drive anywhere.

It was a Tuesday night.  Since I did not have to be at work until Monday, I thought no one would notice until then. I pushed a bunch of boxes and heavy things to block my door. I did not want my roommate to barge in and ruin it. I laid in my bed taking pills and drinking. I had a cooler in my room to keep the beer cold. Not sure why I did not want warm beer for suicide. I kept popping a pill or two with each beer. I do not remember if I was watching movies or listening to music during the process. I do remember pouring more pills into my hand when the bottle spilled. All the pills fell  out on my bed and some on the floor. At that point I fell asleep. Or passed out. It was more from the pills than the booze.

But I was woken up sometime late Wednesday with a phone call. I forgot to turn off my phone. It was a friend asking me if I wanted to go to the club. I told her I was not feeling good. She offered to come by with chicken noodle soup and Gatorade. Damn. There goes my plans to search for the spilt pills and try again. I told her she did not have to but she came over anyway. When she knocked on my bedroom door, I dragged myself from bed to move everything blocking the door. She and her girlfriend came in with hot soup and electrolytes. They said I looked like shit. My friend put her hand to my head. “You are burning up!” She got a thermometer from the bathroom. I had a fever of 104. She walked out to the living room to tell my roommate and her boyfriend “Did you know she is burning up in here? They told her to give me Tylenol. “She’ll live.” They showed no concern.

Instead, my friend and her girlfriend got me dressed and took me to the emergency room. They dropped me off and went to the club. I was dehydrated and developed bronchitis. I guess that was from the sleeping pills slowing down my respiratory system. They gave me some IV fluids and antibiotics. I called another friend to pick me up. I did not want to deal with my roommate. That friend let me recover at her house. I returned home on Sunday night to find a note on my door telling me I had a week to move out.

How to Save a Life Lyrics:

“How To Save A Life”

Step one, you say, “We need to talk.”
He walks, you say, “Sit down. It’s just a talk.”
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you cameWhere did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a lifeLet him know that you know best
‘Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defence
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
Pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

How to save a life