Studying and sleeping better

I had to do a test today for a certification for work. I have to do this ever two years. I have been studying for it the last few nights. There are 9 different parts to this test. I only need to do 5. Ever since I first got certified in 2002, I only do the minimal 5 that I need.

Today, I did all 9. And I passed!  Out of about 100 questions, I only got 2 wrong. 1 cause I did not read the complete answer. The other cause I did not know the answer. But I was so thrilled after. It gave me confidence for the classes I will be starting soon. I thought “go sober brain!”

Because of doing the test, I only got 4 1/2 hours of sleep before work. My coworkers are asking why I am so alert and able to function. It might have not been a lot of sleep, but it was solid sleep. I couldn’t get that much solid sleep in my drinking days without a sleeping pill. And that would make me feel hungover when I woke up.

Mistake 112- I was living in Europe with a boyfriend. We went to the gay pride parade. We walked along in the parade waving rainbow flags with his gay friend. I remember there were trucks in the parade selling beer off the back. I thought “god I love this country! Allowed to have bottles of beer while walking in a parade!”

So we drank lots. We both got drunk. After the parade, he wanted to go home. He wasn’t feeling good. I wanted to stay. I wanted to keep partying. There were a lot of after parties. I accused him of being a wimp and lightweight.  So he left.

This was maybe my 2nd week living there. I did not know the public transportation nor the city well yet. I was not sure how I would find my way back to our apartment. But I didn’t care.

I met a young guy who wanted to practice his English with me. He had a older, controlling boyfriend who kept giving me the evil eye. I kept talking with the young guy and hoped I could tag along with them to parties. But that was not to be allowed. I do not know how long we were chatting before old, grumpy boyfriend came over and said “we are leaving!” and dragged the young man away.

So no parties at the gay clubs for me. I did not know where they were. Instead I stopped at bars for “just one” on my way to the metro. Somehow, drunk me found my way home. I do not know how long it took me nor what time I got home.

Once again, put myself at risk in a strange city just to keep drinking.

Mindgames

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Unknown

I have a friend that posted that on Facebook. Then her friends all agreed. I thought “unless you had blackouts like the way most of my nights ended.” She is a party girl. I don’t know if I would say she has a problem or not. But I am happy that I am trying to discover a different life for myself.

I was at the gym last night on the elliptical trainer. I noticed this machine had a television with a plug for headphones. I do not watch much television but I do like the show Scandal. I got excited that I can work out for an hour on this machine on Thursdays while watching the show. But last night I watched a show called Mindgames starring Christian Slater and Steve Zahn. “The show is about two brothers who run a problem solving firm that employs solutions based on psychological manipulation.” They use psychology to change people’s minds. I thought “wow I could really use that company to change my alcoholic mind!” Maybe I will start to watch this show.

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It got me thinking how just staying sober is not gonna be enough. I need to change me. I need to find a way that I can be around people drinking and not be tempted. I need to not get mad at liquor commercials on TV. I need to not be angry that I can not drink alcohol. I am actually starting to forget the good taste of my favorite beers and wine and rums. I need to stay away from even SMELLING such beverages to avoid triggering any desire. Image

I need to start reading more than just memoirs. I need to add self-help and psychology books about changing my thoughts and fighting this disease. I need to start doing meditation. I have meditation books, music, and scented pillow I bought in Nepal. I just need to make the time to do it. I have been interested in meditation for the last two years as a treatment for my mild ADHD. Now I hope to use it to fight my boozer brain.

Mistake #52- Meeting the the friend that posted the quote at the beginning of this post:

I met her online. I can not remember if it was Friendster or Myspace or another social network. But I love traveling and I have traveled a lot to meet cyber friends in real life. So I planned a trip to visit and meet her.

That morning of my fight, I checked in at the airport, went through security, and sat down to have a coffee and bagel. I looked up at the television screen to hear a report on CNN say “Today is not a day you want to be flying anywhere.” Great. There were snowstorms all over the northeast and midwest and most airports were closed down due to weather. It pretty much screwed up flights all over the country because flights were canceled or delayed. My flight was delayed three times within an hour and half. Everyone was scrambling to get their flights changed. I always feel sorry for those people that work at airline counters during such times. I finally got a flight schedule later in the day. But even that was delayed due to mechanical problems.

My friend was cool enough and understood all the delays. Instead of arriving in the late afternoon, I arrived late at night. Her friends were at the bar. She said she will pick my up at the airport and then we will meet up with her friends. Then my bag was lost! So she brought a tshirt for me to wear out to the bar so I will feel a little fresher.

I drank at the airport all day. But when I got to the bar with my friend, I still felt way behind her friends’ state of intoxication. Also, I didn’t know anyone except for my Cyber friend and this was our first time meeting in person. So I drank a lot and drank quickly to feel more at ease and try to catch up. Lots of beers and shots. Lots of shots. I do not remember any of her friends I met. But I got super drunk. I caught up and surpassed them.

I woke up the next day in my friend’s bed. She slept on the couch. She gave me some juice and advil. I apologized for getting so drunk. Since she was a party girl, she understood. I asked if I did anything stupid.

“Oh nothing besides trying to kiss me and get me in bed with you.” She laughed and I blushed. I guess I should add that she and her friends are all lesbians.