Impermanence

I am in a new city.  New things to see.  It is a new day.  And I feel better than my last post. 

I also slept better.

I was staying in a hostel for two nights.  And while I love the atmosphere in hostels,  maybe I am getting too old for sleeping in dorm rooms.  It was not as if many of the other young travelers were trying to chat with me.  (Even though I could probably give them a lot of travel advice about other parts of the world! ) I booked a hotel for my two nights in this city because the hostels were all up a hill and I have a very heavy bag.  This hotel is right next to the train station.  I went to sleep,  did not set the alarm,  and woke up at 8 am feeling wonderful!

I was listening to music on my iPod as I got ready.  Some Tibetan Buddhist prayers came on.  I downloaded them after my trip to Nepal last year.  I listened to the chant “om mani padme hum.” I really need to make a blog post one day devoted to that prayer. It basically means “jewel in the lotus” and represents that we can overcome anything.  (At least that is what I take from it.) But lotuses are beautiful flowers that can grow out of mud and, literally,  shit. They show that something wonderful can come from the worst. A jewel in the lotus is the shine that develops from that beauty.

So that chant came on and made me smile.  It also made me think of a Buddhist quote I saw on a recovery page on Facebook last night. “Nothing is permanent.” Including my addiction. Including my sadness.

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Mistake 196- I was really close friends with a gay guy. He had an old military friend visiting him. His friend was very hot. My friend told me not to hit on his hot friend. But we went to an afterhours club. My gay friend had to leave but his hot friend insisted on staying. I got too drunk to drive so the hot guy offered to drive my car for me. We ended up having sex in the car in the parking lot before he drove me home.

We stayed in touch and he even came to visit me once. But we kept it a secret. Our gay friend was mad when he found out. He said I betrayed him. I am not sure if he was jealous or why he was so upset. But either reason, a friend should not do that to a friend.

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Dealing with a stressful night

I had a very emotional, stressful night at work.  I cried a lot.  I dealt with a lot of moral questions. It was mentally draining.

I had my friend to “talk” about it via text messaging. He was very helpful and supportive with this situation. He asked how do I deal with this stress and stay sober.

Without hesitation, I told him getting drunk would not solve it. I could hide my feelings in the bottom of a bottle or deal with them. I would rather deal with them no matter how unpleasant they are. I had no desire to drink. I just wanted to cry myself to sleep. But I couldn’t until my shift was over.

I kept running to the bathroom to cry. Then I would look in the mirror and tell myself to dry my tears. I am a strong woman. Fighting alcoholism proves that. Everyday is a struggle. I need to keep strong in front of my coworkers.

I told my friend that in the past, I would focus my pain on picking up booze on my way home. I would figure out where I could buy a 6 pack or bottle of wine at 7am. What are the laws in this state? Then I would drink away the thoughts and get drunk at 8am. But nothing would be accomplished except maybe a hangover when I wake up.

There have been times where I got trashed after a stressful day of work. And I would do very stupid things like sex with a stranger, get in a fight, or drive drunk. I used the excuse “I was stressed out. I needed that drink” which was never just one drink. I would drink until I blacked out to try to erase thoughts and feelings from the day. Obliterate the stress. But it usually created more instead.

I cried a lot last night but it is better than crying in a drunk rage. I was hurting but pain is part of life. Self-medication with wine will not make suffering disappear.
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Mistake 146- I woke up once with a burglar in my bedroom. It was daytime. I don’t want to get into the details except to say thankfully I wasn’t hurt and he left when he saw me. But I was so stressed and frightened. A friend came over to support me while the cops took a report. Then my friend took me to lunch. I ordered 3 large margaritas at lunch. When I got home, I proceeded to drink every bit of alcohol I had in my apartment. A lot of people said they would have been too scared to be in their apartment after such an incident. I felt safe as long as I had my booze with me. I ended up drinking pumpkin liqueur by the end because I chugged everything else. I kept posting rants on Facebook complaining about my city and crime rates. I did not remember these rants until I saw them the next day. I went and deleted them all then.

I had a friend message me the next day to see how I was doing. I said I was coping. She mentioned she is still bleeding. I was confused until I scrolled back and saw we had a whole long conversation the previous day. She had a miscarriage. I admitted to her I did not remember that conversation at all but was very sorry for her loss. She replied “lol it is ok. You had a horrible day.”

I coped with my fear and stress by drinking until I blacked out. But it did not solve anything. It could have made things worse.

Pings of Saddness

I am still enjoying my camping trip. We did some hiking yesterday. We went searching for beavers. We didn’t find any but we found beaver dams and houses.  I kept trying to make “beaver calls” which sounded like rabbit sounds with my teeth. It was still a nice day and the beaver pond was pretty.

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We went to lunch afterwards. It was at a bar with a deck. I wanted sun. He wanted beer. I told him I am so glad he drinks Budweiser cause I have no desire to sip it.

We walked around a nearby village. They had wine tasting. I felt a ping of sadness. I really loved wine tasting. I loved winery tours. I loved wine. I wondered if they had any good Shiraz. I made some comment about it sucking that I couldn’t go in there. He said his roommate suggested we check out the wine tastings. My friend told him “she doesn’t drink and I hate wine.” Eh so even if I drank, would it have been fun with someone who doesn’t like wine?

The town was closing down as we walked around. The only things still open were restaurants and bars. And happy hours were starting. It was a beautiful day. I could not help but regret I could not sit on one of the decks, watching the lake, and sipping a beer. I kept saying we should stop somewhere and he could have a beer while I get coffee.  I pointed out a few places but he didn’t seem too eager. We finally found a place only to be told they just stopped serving food and drinks.

My friend said we could go to McDonald’s if I really wanted coffee. But I didn’t.  I just wanted the ambiance.  I just wanted to sit at a table with a gorgeous view of nature and have a drink. I am used to doing that with a beer or wine or rum&coke. I wanted to have that relaxing feeling without alcohol or soda. We headed back to the campsite instead.

We did stop at a store for more supplies. I looked at the beers. Again, a ping of saddness. Local beers. Some IPAs and blonde ales. Why do they have to make the bottles so pretty? I joked around I am gonna start a lawsuit that the pretty labeling encourages underage drinking. “Mommy, can I have this bear soda? It has a picture of a bear on the bottle!” Not until you are 21 sweetie. “Aw schucks.”

Sitting at the camp that night with the fire going, more wishful thinking of drinking. I really wanted a bottle in my hands.  He drank his crappy Buds and I sipped my water. I was too lazy to boil water for tea or hot chocolate.  We made hot dogs and S’mores but I could not shake the desire for beer. I told a lot of my drinking stories to ingrain in my head why I can’t drink.

My friend is wonderful and supportive of my sobriety. We are having a great time and keep making each other laugh. We both try to top each other with bad jokes. Sarcasm just oozes from our mouths. But I wish I could just kick back with a few beers with him. Not even get drunk. Just wish I did not have to keep in my head “NO ALCOHOL! YOU ARE A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC! IT WILL KILL YOU.” That voice can be a bit of a killjoy.

I want to be normal in the sense I want to not DESIRE a drink. It is not always I want to be ABLE to drink. I just wish I hated it. Like I want booze to taste like lobster. I don’t like lobster. I wish there was this pill to make me associate the taste of alcohol with food I do not like. “Eww this wine is like mushrooms.” I know there is medicine that makes you nauseous if you smell alcohol. But I don’t want to make myself feel sick.

Maybe I will pick up near-beer for the campfire tonight.

Mistake 129- I was visiting a friend. I met him once years before and we stayed in touch online.  He lived with his girlfriend. The day I arrived, he won a contest. The prize was a flight and concert tickets for his favorite band in the whole world. Time to celebrate!

The three of us went to a local pub. It was small. A few people at the bar. We played pool and darts. We got trashed! We took over the bar. His girlfriend drove us home.

I told him about a movie in which his favorite band sang the theme song. He never heard of it. So I went to show him clips of it on YouTube. His girlfriend went to bed. He and I stayed up, drinking more, celebrating, and watching clips of the movie and videos of the band.

Somehow, in our drunk excitement, we started to kiss. Then it turned to oral sex. Then we heard some noise of his girlfriend opening the bedroom door. We jumped away from each other and covered up.  I remember her poking her head in the living room and we pretended to be occupied with the videos. I do not remember if she said anything. She went back to bed. I remember him jumping up and repeating “oh my god! I can’t believe what I just did! Oh my god!”

I felt guilty too but I remember feeling shocked. I was blacked out during it. I remember the commotion of stopping because she was walking out, I remember her looking in the room, and I remember the guilt. But I do not remember the actual actions of what we did. I think he even whispered “stop” when we heard her and that was when I realized what was going on. I think I sat there trying to comprehend the scene when he went to bed. I cried myself to sleep.

He drove me to the train early the next day. I tried to ask if she knew without actually talking about the incident. He never told me but he just told me not to worry. We hugged. I grabbed my bag and got on the train.

I have not seen him since. It has been more than 5 years. They have an adorable baby together now. I am glad I did not fuck up their relationship. Blackouts are no excuse for ruining lives.

Sleep is like Medicine

4 months sober. 120 days. I did not treat myself this milestone. No cake. No flowers. No time for a facial or pedicure. It feels blah. Not bad. I actually feel good and happy for the most part. Just not as exciting as reaching 30, 60 and 90 days. 6 months sobriety still feels so far. Maybe I need to get to a meeting?

I started to write this blog while at work. I started a blog about my housing situation but then deleted it. I thought I did not want a blog about bitching. But my mood after work changed.

This morning, after working a night shift, I decided to drive 2 hours to REI to buy new shoes. That was not the smartest idea. I was tired and so cranky by the time I got to the store. I started to get depressed and over think on the drive. I started to picture getting in an accident and my mom’s reaction. Then thinking that my mom would be the only person in this world that cared if I died got me crying. I was driving down the highway, bawling, fantasizing about my own death.

After I bought my shoes, I took a nap in the car. I slept on and off almost 5 hours. But my car is packed for a festival this weekend. So I could not lay my seat down much and I could not sleep comfortable. I was still cranky when I woke up. I went and ate fast food. I ordered a Diet Coke and bitched to myself out loud “at least it isn’t a fucking beer.” I drove an hour towards my mom’s. Again, I got very sleepy. Pulled over in another parking lot and napped for two hours.

Maybe I got in a better position or maybe since it was darker due to rain clouds, but I slept better for those two hours. I woke up feeling such a better mood. I got to my mom’s house (knowing she was away). I unpacked a few things and went to bed.

I think tiredness is one of my worst enemies.

Mistake 120- I had a friend visit and stay with me for the weekend. We started out as cyber friends and he lives an hour away. This was maybe his 3rd or 4th visit and I visited him once. He was a flamboyant gay guy and liked to party.

I have no idea what happened that night but we got in a fight. And it was an ugly fight. He accused me of attacking him. He had scratches to prove it. But I do not remember it. He even tried to call his roommate to come get him but I unplugged the phones. I do not remember if he left during the night or the next morning. I remember I tried to take sleeping pills that night because I got so upset. But they were not enough because I eventually woke up.

He and I never spoke again but he went telling our community of cyber friends that I was crazy.