Tag Archives: relationship

Addictive Relationships

Posted in 1 year to next milestone by

I just finished a very short book (31 pages) about addictive relationships. I guess it is more of a pamphlet that I ordered on Amazon. It is called “Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery” by Terence T Gorski. I first heard about Terry Gorski while reading One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin. I now feel prepared to try to continue dating. I want to sum up some of the things I learned from Mr Gorski.
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Characteristics of Addictive Relationships:
-Magical or Unrealistic thinking: “My life will be better when I have a boyfriend.”
-Instant Gratification: “He must be gorgeous and turn me on as soon as we meet.”
-Dishonesty: “If I am honest, he will leave me.”
-Compulsive and Obsessive Overcontrol: obsessed with the relationship, it is the most important thing in your life
-Lack of Trust: Don’t try to change their nature.
-Alternating Doubts- I complain about him which then turns to self doubt.
-Isolation- Don’t want to share your partner with anyone else
-Repeating cycle of pain

He talked about how addictive relationships are built on risk-taking. I realize that was the start of almost all my relationships. I have always focused on having “interesting meeting stories” to entertain people and make myself seem more glamorous. “Oh we met while traveling in Argentina”. “He offered me a ride home cause I was so drunk and he SAVED ME”. “We met in boot camp.” “I bought furniture from him online and then asked him out.” All my affairs had the adrenaline kick of risk-taking. So many times I started to date someone and thought I could change them “for the better.”

His suggestions:
–Do not have sex on the 1st date. He did not give a time frame of how long to wait. But I am thinking I am gonna self-impose at least 3 months.
–Never have sex out of guilt of obligation. I know I have done this from feeling lack of self-worth.
–Never have sex to change someone. I have done this. I have had sex thinking it would get the guy to like me more.
–Don’t share your alcoholic past on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. You will scare them away. But you must eventually be honest about it.
–Build the relationship slowly. Yea I need help on this!
-Have realistic expectations.
-Establish and maintain personal growth first!

I need to stop focusing on finding a relationship and worrying about it. I am meeting a guy today for coffee. I will see how that goes but think I need to stop agreeing to squeeze in time to date. I have a lot of other things I can be doing. Dating should not be stressful.
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Myself Without Alcohol

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I want to know myself without alcohol.

Ann Dowsett

I began listening to the book Drinking: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol. It has a lot of good information. I am beginning to hate alcohol. Why did I put that crap in my body? Expect more posts about things I learn from the book.

I am thinking of taking a nutrition class next semester. Maybe that will solidify in my brain of how much alcohol destroys my body.
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Mistake 225- I ran into a friend recently for a brief moment. We chatted a little bit. Then as I went to hug him goodbye, he kissed me on my lips. Nothing serious. But planted his lips on my lips for a few seconds. I thought “why did he do that?”

Then I remembered when I ran into him at a club several years ago. I was trashed. We made out. I don’t know how long it lasted. My friend pulled me away and told me about it the next day. I guess he now things I am just a kisser. I feel I need to reinvent myself to a lot of people. I am discovering who I am without alcohol.

Unworthy

Posted in 90- 120 days by

I had a conversation about relationships with a friend and why mine have all failed. Besides due to my drinking. I realized I get into some relationships because I like being liked. I do not actually want to be with the person, but I like that they want me so much.  Sometimes I do start to like, or even love the person. But I get into too many relationships out of loneliness.  And not even always because I am lonely. I just crave the attention. I realized I have hurt some men, and more women, with this behaviour.

Hell, I did not want to get married but did it because I was scared if I lost him, I would never find someone to love me again. I did love him. I just realized 3 weeks before the wedding that we were rushing it (only dated 3 months he proposed and married 5 months later.)

Now, I seem to always rush things. I love the high of feeling wanted. I savor the spark of the new. I know it goes deeper into feeling my family never wanted me growing up.  I felt I had worth finally as an adult if another person showed me affection.  But I also used alcohol to hide my feelings of unworthiness.

No matter how much I tell myself “you are worthy” or “you are beautiful”, I still feel surprised if someone else believes it. This is why I what to find a therapist who specializes in alcoholism. Hopefully next autumn after I move and settle somewhere, I can search.

Mistake 116- I was visiting a gay friend with my boyfriend. I think we all met up at a bar with mutual friends first. Then we went back to the apartment. My boyfriend and I were staying with my friend for a few days while we visited the city.

We sat around the apartment drinking wine. My boyfriend and gay friend were getting along. They were joking about foreign porn and foreign gay porn. I guess I started to get jealous. I do not know why but I started to accuse my boyfriend of actually being gay. (Many years ago, I had a boyfriend cheat on me with a guy and then start a relationship with that guy after we broke up. I think I have always been worried it would happen again.)

These accusations turned to a verbal fight. I was extremely drunk. They said I ran up to the roof and refused to come back inside. I said I would rather sleep up there but my boyfriend was scared to leave me alone up there. I was screaming and being dramatic. I do not remember any of it. My friend was worried the neighbors would call the cops.

Somehow my boyfriend coaxed me back inside and to bed. I woke up with red, puffy eyes and remember fighting but not the roof. I sort of remembered the reason for fighting. My boyfriend asked me why I would think such a thing and I could only think because of my past experience. But also, I was jealous he was giving my gay friend attention. They were getting along as two friends but I wanted the attention.

My boyfriend and I stayed together for another year and half. So many of our fights were about my questioning his love for me. I started those fights to test how much did he really want me. I need to learn to want myself before messing up another relationship.  So far, I am really loving this sober me.

Getting Over Being Lonely

Posted in 90- 120 days by

The other day I wrote about how it sucks to be sober and single. It is hard to meet anyone even though I know that I should not be focusing my energy on meeting someone. I need to be vigilant about my sobriety and do not need a boy (or girl) messing that up. But I have been lonely the past three months. And honestly, it is more about being horny than wanting companionship.fuck buddy

Makes me realize there have been times where I wanted to be with someone and I drank to get the courage to make a move. Or if they shot me down, “I was drunk” was my excuse for being so foolish. Not all of my one-night stands were drunken mistakes. With my low self-image, I felt like I accomplished something if a drunk person I wanted slept with me. I have had some boyfriends complain that I had to get drunk to have sex. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian.

I have an ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for a year and half, and I got him drunk the first night we had sex. We started the night sharing a bottle of wine, which was actually the two of us chugging it while waiting in line for a concert. Once inside, I kept buying two beers in the beer line with the excuse it was to save time. He did not have much money because he was traveling. I encouraged him to drink some of my two cups. I do not remember when our first kiss was and the first sex that night was lousy. I thought it was going to be one night but then we started traveling together and it turned into a relationship. But I always questions his TRUE feelings for me and said “if I did not get you drunk that first night, we would never be together!” It is not a good way to start a loving, commitment.

To solve my “dating” sober problem, I asked a friend for help. Isn’t part of recovery reaching out and asking for help?

I texted him: “Trying to figure out how to ask this and if you say no, no problem. But I am finding trying to date sober sucks. Would it ever be okay to come visit for a booty call?”

I did not realize he did not have my phone number saved in his phone. Thankfully he guessed who it was. I responded that it is a good thing he doesn’t have many sober friends. He did not think I was serious. When I assured him I was, he said I can visit whenever for what any reason.

But his best response was “you’re not giving up on sobriety, are you?” That made me so happy. It made me think he is more concerned for my sobriety than getting laid. That is a good friend. A good friend with benefits! He can be my temporary playtoy. My sex sponsor.

I am just really nervous how this is going to work sober. I have had “fuck buddies” in the past but alcohol was always involved. Sober sex? I guess I need to learn to get used to a lot of activities in a sober state. Sober dancing. Sober concerts. Sober knitting.

Just kidding. I do not know how to knit. But maybe I can learn.

Mistake # 104- I lost my purse with my wallet and a nice jacket from London, but not my phone. I was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. I do not remember if the night started out with friends but I know I was in the bar alone when kicked out. Since I had no wallet, I could not pay for a taxi. I drunk texted a few friends asking for a ride. One guy offered to come pick me up to take me home. Then another friend offered me a ride. I replied “it’s okay, a fuck friend is picking me up.” But I accidentally sent the text to the friend that was picking me up. He wrote back “I hope that is not how you think of me.”

I waited for him, sitting on the sidewalk, with my back leaning against the wall. I jumped up when his car pulled up and ran to his car. I apologized for the drunk text and thanked him for picking me up. Then I drunkenly explained we were two friends that had casual sex so we sort of were “fuck friends.” Our friendship fizzled out after that night.

No more drunk texts is one of my favorite sober benefits.