Tag Archives: reasons

Reunion… Success!

Posted in 120-150 days by

I went to my reunion last night that I was nervous about two months ago. It is amazing how I feel different since writing that post. Back in April, I was so worried about my desire to drink. Now, I was more worried I would be late. Or bored that I had nothing in common with my old classmates. Or my skin was too broken out or I looked too fat.

I was not worry I would ruin my sobriety.

I arrived and walked around to try to recognize anyone. I spotted one familiar face talking to a group of people. I went to the bar and ordered an unsweetened ice tea.  I wanted to walk up to the group armed.

I had a good time. No one asked me if I wanted a beer. No one asked me why I wasn’t drinking. We all shared stories of where our lives had gone the past twenty years. We shared stories from back in school. We shared travel stories and destinations we would like to go. I was there for three hours. There were a few moments when I thought I would like to just sip someone’s beer. But the desire was not strong.

As far as my unsupportive friends I am staying with, they continue to make ignorant comments. At lunch today, they made a big deal out of finding a place with good cocktails. Then they tasted each others and offered me a sip. “Oh, so you can’t even sip it?” We went to a farmers market where they wanted to stop at a booth to taste beer cupcakes. I kept walking. We bought some sausages and the guy selling them suggested boiling them in water or beer before grilling. They both said “and we got plenty of beer for that!”

I was trying not to make a big deal out of it. But once in a while, I would share one of my drunk stories. They kept quiet. I felt I wanted to stress reasons why I am not drinking, but I guess they just don’t understand that I can not even handle a little bit.

It seems they enjoyed my drunk mistakes. They enjoyed me being the embarassment. They enjoyed me falling over and stories of my one night stands. I remember once I commented about wondering if anyone I slept with would be at an event and he said with a laugh “well who HAVEN’T you slept with”.

Then tonight, I invited a friend over to join us for dinner. She asked if she could bring anything. I told her I quit drinking but P and C might like beer or wine. She said she wouldn’t be drinking alcohol because she had a long drive.  When she got here, my friends didn’t seem to understand why she did not want even one drink. “Not even one?” They drank. They drank lots. I could tell that C was drunk soon. She even decided to bake some dessert that she almost burnt because she forgot about it. I sat there thinking  “I am really enjoying being sober. I am glad I am not acting drunk.” I still enjoyed the night because of the conversations. My friend had a lot of great stories to share about her travels. When P and C were out of the room, I overheard them discussing going out or not. C said “well if they just want to sit and talk, let them.” I felt they thought we were boring for not wanting to go to a bar or club.

When my friend was leaving, I offered to walk her to her car which was parked in another parking lot. C offered to drive us there because she needed to move her car. I offered to move her car. I did not feel she should be driving. I even asked her and got the response of “yea, no problem!” I then realized all the times I was drunk and said I was fine, I was too nervous to admit I wasn’t. There were times I should not have been driving but I was embarrassed I was so drunk. “Yea I am okay” was a denial of how much I drank and my problem.

We had her drive us down to the other lot. She did drive okay. But I am almost sure that she would have received a DUI if she was pulled over. Thankfully it was a quick drive there, drop off my friend, and then back to our lot. I did not want to insist of driving or refusing her ride because I did not want to come off as the sober preacher. I risked my life by getting in the car with her driving to avoid offending her.

Once again, being around drunk people helped reinforce my desire to stay sober. And I might mourn this relationship if it end. But I know I love myself enough to put my sobriety before anyone and anything else.

Mistake 137- I met my friend that came for dinner last night many years in a chat room. I once was a moderator of the chat room. I was supposed to warn people who were acting wrong or misbehaving “in” the room and then block them if they did not behave.

I woke up one morning hungover and signed into the chat room. A cyber friend started to tell me how I was so funny the night before in the chat room. I did not remember what I said. As a moderator, I had access to previous conversations and private IMs. So I went back to check what I said.

I told my friend I was surprised he could comprehend my typing. But it basically was typos in capital letters stating how I needed to get laid, I wanted to be fucked, and I wanted pussy. Over and over. I was so embarrassed. It was an international chatroom. Did I offend anyone? He said I was entertaining.

I demoted myself from being moderator. I told my friend that gave me the position that I was not qualify to tell others how to behave when I could not control myself when drunk.

Sorry if anyone reading this is offended by my curse words. I feel I need to use them at times to fully express my story, situations, and feelings.

Brew Blues

Posted in 60-90 days by

I booked a flight to go to a reunion in June. Everyone just voted to have it at a brewery. And at one of my favorite breweries.

I am sort of excited to test my willpower but also worried I will fail. I will be four and half months sober by then. It will be nice to be able to handle being around alcohol one day. I just have to keep remembering that I CAN NOT DRINK! Not even one. No matter how tempting a glass of beer might be, some IPA could lead to DUI or STD or DEATH (eventually.)

And I really, really want a huge treat for one year sober. Since it will be next January,  I was starting to think of rewarding myself with a trip to Iceland to see the Northern Lights.

My brain has been having those inner battles again:

“Just one won’t hurt.”… “Who are you kidding? You won’t stop at one.”

“I can drink and not get drunk.”… “Really? You think you believe that? Why drink if that fuzzy buzz wasn’t the goal?”

“I can drink responsibly.”… “Well your arrest record would disagree with that.”

I know a lot of sober bloggers will refer to that bitch voice as Wolfie. I joined the 100 Day Challenge but have not actually read the story or meaning to Wolfie. I hope whoever that voice is, she is not joining me on my trip in June. Can I report her to TSA to keep her off the plane?

I took this photo for SoberLearning’s 120 days but did not get around to posting it. So here is a treat for you:

 

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Mistake # 71- I went to Tijuana, Mexico with a few friends. I was living in San Diego. I was 18 years old. Got drunk on tequila and Sex on the Beach. I met a guy who went to school with my friends. He was cute. We started making out.

The rest I was told next day: the guy and I were getting hot and heavy in the bar. I don’t remember. Cops came in and took us out. They said they were going to arrest us for indecent behaviour. I started crying and begging them not to arrest us. The guy gave the cop his watch. The cop said we were free to go but had to leave Mexico right away. The guy and I left and walked to the border. Our friends found us at the bus stop on the American side waiting for them. I was passed out on the bench. They had to drag me on the bus.

Waking up the next day in my bed with a hangover was better than waking up in Mexican jail.

50 Day Cake

Posted in 30-60 days by

I have been dreaming about this cake all night at work. My Coconut Cake to celebrate 50 days of sobriety!  It still feels like such a small amount of time.  I am still so far away from 6 months. Even thinking of 90 day chip is far. But I am still gonna celebrate this little milestone with cake! And I love coconut! I am half-way to completing Belle’s 100 day challenge!

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When I had this (and only this) at the check-out counter, I said to the cashier “breakfast.”
She laughed. “Well sure. It has coconut. And flour.”
I said “just as good as cereal! Oh and look. There is a cup of coffee in the photo on the box.”
She laughed even louder. She said maybe she will pick some up too.

I left the store smiling. I thought I can still be funny and friendly without booze.

Mistake #44- Last year, my favorite bar was a tavern next to my apartment building.  I knew all the bartenders by name and they let me stay pass closing. The one female bartender was getting married in a couple months and we would chat about wedding plans most nights I was there. She was Indian and we chatted about my travels to the subcontinent. She always had a new bottle of beer opened before I finished one. I loved going in there when she was working.

I woke up one morning with a strange guy in my bed. Apparently, we met at the tavern. He knew a lot about me and I didn’t even know his name. Turns out, he was gonna be best man in the Indian bartender’s wedding. He asked for my number. Then he actually grabbed my phone to call his phone to make sure he got my number. I just wanted this guy out of my place.

He started texting me asking me out. I always had work as an excuse. Then I went away the whole month of April. I lied and said I would get in touch with him when I got back.

I avoided the bar when I got back for a few months.

One night in July, I went at the bar alone. The grocery store was closed and I was out of beer at home. I was drinking a few IPAs and switching from reading my book to reading my phone. Then while staring at my phone, I got a text: “your phone must be very interesting.”

I replied “yes it is.” I guessed who the mystery texter must be. I also refused to look up or around the bar to try to avoid eye contact. I went back to reading my book.

Next text: “don’t you even want to know who this is?” I was able to glance and read it while leaving my phone sitting on the bar in front of me. I acted too interested in my book and did not pick up my phone.

Then he sat down next to me and started to ask something about why I am not concerned who is texting me. I still did not look up from my book and told him I figured who it was.

I still could not remember his name. I didn’t want to know it. I was not interested in this guy but how can I tell him that after already having had sex with him. Should I say “Sorry but drunk blacked-out me makes bad mistakes and you were one.” I was trying to politely blow this guy off. Then the Indian bartender came in and started to praise him. I immediately wondered if she was the reason I took him home in the first place.

I used to pride myself on at least still having good taste when wasted and my one night stands were usually hot ones. This guy was not attractive and not interesting. Sitting there that night,  I found him so boring. I was so ashamed.

I moved away from that city a month later. I moved away for many reasons but felt relief to be away from most of those bars. I was having so many one night stands, it felt dangerous to go to my regular pubs.

Allergies

Posted in First 30 days by

Early sobriety has the quality of vigorous exercise, as though each repetition of a painful moment, gone through without a drink, serves to build up emotional muscle. -Caroline Knapp “Drinking: A Love Story”

I read some more of my journals last night. I had to have a tissue box next to me because I kept crying. There are so many stupid things I did. I hurt my mom and others I love so much. But my love for alcohol prevented me from stopping the cycle. I know a lot of people who try to go through life without any regrets. For me, most of my regrets were subdued stupidity. I chucked my regrets off as drunk mishaps. Misfortunes. Mistakes.

I was eating some chocolates and read the allergy warning label on the side of the box.  “This product manufactured on equipment also used in the production of products containing Peanuts and Tree Nuts.” I was glad I do not have nut allergies. The candies were clusters of chocolate and coconut. I thought of the people who are allergic to coconut and felt sorry them. I could not imagine being allergic to strawberries or bananas because I love those also. There have been incidences when I was traveling in  a foreign country and ate whatever mysterious food was offered to me. It made me grateful that I did not have any allergies or dietary restrictions.

Maybe I should start considering alcohol as my allergy. Blackouts are my reaction instead of rash or anaphylactic shock.

Mistake # 18- It was autumn 2003. I went out with some friends on a Friday or Saturday to a late night gay club. It was the kind of place that stays open until 3 or 4am. We usually got there a little before 11pm to pay reduced cover charge. I drank a lot. Most likely I drank rum and cokes. My friends said they lost me at some point on the dance floor.

I woke up in the emergency room. I was freezing laying there on a stretcher. I had a hospital sheet on top of me  to try to keep me warm. I was wearing a skimpy tank top and short skirt. It was the kind of top that one does not wear a bra. I had on pantyhose but they were all ripped. The male nurse asked me if I knew where I was. I recognized the logo on his badge. He told me I passed out in the club and was unresponsive. I was alone. The club called 911. My purse was missing so I had no identity on me. They did a drug screen and it was negative. I am not sure if they ever told me if they did a BAC level (I would assume they did) but if they told me the results, I have forgotten it.

He asked me if I knew how to get home. I told him I could get the subway but I did not have any money. He gave me a subway token and let me take the sheet to keep warm. I must have looked like a top prize sitting on that subway seat with smudge mascara, tossed hair, and a white sheet draped around me at 8am. I lost a thin jacket at the club in addition to my purse with cell phone, wallet and house keys.

I had to go to my sister’s house to get my spare set of keys. Then I had to have my locks changed to be safe. My dad was at her house watching TV. He said nothing about my messy appearance. I assume he did not want details.

When my dad had cancer, he went to that same hospital for his treatments. He lived with me his last few months of life. After he died, I found a sheet with the hospital logo. I was not sure if my dad brought it home after one of his admissions or if it was from my ER visit. I kept it and just told myself it was from him. I refused to be reminded of my embarrassing trip to that hospital.

One more week until my first milestone!

Posted in First 30 days by

I know this sober thing is to be taken one day at at time. But I am excited for my 30th day of sobriety next week! It really should not be too amazing. I have done it before. I have also cheated in the past on my 30 day drinking breaks.

In 2011, I met with a friend that was sober for seven months. He did it on his own after spending a night in jail. We talked about my problem. We both just came from a festival where I woke up one night in the medical tent. I had an IV in my hand to rehydrate me. The story of how I got there is confusing. I either fell off a moving vehicle or I was found passed out drunk. I had bruises on my legs. My friend suggested I try to stop drinking for 30 days. He said just do 30 days and then decide if I wanted to continue. I made the promise to myself and him.

After 28 days of being sober, I was invited to join some people for happy hour. I was in a foreign country. I like meeting new people. I did not want to be left out. And as I sat down, I decided that 28 days was a lunar month and that was a good enough dry month. I ordered a few cocktails. I ordered a lot of cocktails. The three people I met drank a lot less than I did. I think they actually left me at the table and I drank until closing time. I almost missed my bus the next day.

I did a 30 day drinking break last year that ended with me getting trashed at a club and blacking out.

I tried a 30 day drinking break last fall that was interrupted by a music festival. I modified that break by saying “well I didn’t say 30 days IN  A ROW.” I got drunk at the end of the festival and made a fool out of myself to a man I loved. We ended the romantic relationship.

Last October, I received some possible negative news in relation to my career. It was an indirect result from drinking mistakes in the past. I did not make a 30 day drinking break then. Instead, I just said “not gonna drink for awhile.” Then I decided “not gonna drink until New Years Eve.” I couldn’t imagine not getting drunk for New Years. I hated 2013 and was looking forward to celebrating a new year. But I thought not drinking for 2 months would be a sign to me that I could control it. I thought it would earn me good karma points.

I did not make it. I drank December 29. Since my last drink before that was October 28, I modified that promise with “well I have been sober two months. That is good enough.” I was in Thailand. I did not want to leave the country without having a Mai Thai.

I drank a lot the next three weeks. Made more mistakes. Put myself in danger. And then I got word that the possible negative news for my career was more real. I felt that was my “rock bottom.” I could not imagine my career ending. It is the most positive thing I have.

I decided to quit. After one more night of getting drunk. I had a bottle of my favorite rum to empty before I go sober. I made one more mistake that night. And three days later, I had my last drink.

30 days will be the first milestone in this new life. I woke up today thinking about it and got worried. I know I can stay sober until February 20th. It is the days after it that scare me. Staying sober until 60 days. Then 90s days. Then complete the 100 Day Challenge. I am still scared to tell a lot of people.

And I woke up mad. I hate not being able to drink like most people. I drank to try to fit in. Will I fit in anywhere now besides an AA meeting?

Then I read a quote I wrote in my journal in April 2012. It was from a biography about Johnny Depp.

I’m not sure I’m capable of leaving behind a personal message. But if I did, I hope it would be that it’s okay to be different from the crowd. In fact, it’s really good to be different from the crowd, and that we really should question ourselves before we pass judgement on someone who is different to us.

-Johnny Depp

So I am different. And this 30 days of sobriety will be different from my drinking breaks in the past. I really need to take this one day at a time. One mistake at a time.

Mistake # 16- The mystery of waking up in the medical tent at that festival with an IV in my arm. To this day, friends from that festival tease me about falling off vehicles.

Dignity

Posted in First 30 days by

Even though I feel I am hidden from most temptations to drink while at my mom’s house, I do not feel this is a supportive environment. She is supportive of me not drinking, but I think she still believes it only a bad habit. She used to say that my dad could have stopped drinking if he loved his family enough. I told her about my recent argument with my friend about alcoholism being a disease. She asked if I actually believe it is a disease. I use delirium tremens as evidence that it is a medical problem.

Her boyfriend makes me feel uncomfortable. I am in my late 30s but I feel like a teenager here. He scolds me for leaving a glass on the table or my box of spices on the counter. Before my mom arrived Saturday, he told me to clean up my mess. I had a few bottles of sauces next to the stove to make her dinner that night. He criticized me for drinking too much coffee the other day and then makes fun of me for eating organic “crap.” I know he looks down on me for my drinking problem. It is my defect. He does not like me on “his” computer but does not want WiFi in the house. I was typing my blog yesterday and he stood behind me. I had to close the page.

There is a news story now about a drunk woman that tried to make sexual advances on a plane. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Minneapolis. I have a few friends joking that it sounds like me on the video. I know they are only teasing and not trying to be mean, but I am hurt. I guess they view me as the fun, party girl that always drinks too much and sometimes out of control. Sometimes when I admit I had DUIs, people start to share their close-calls and admit how often they drove home drunk but did not get caught. Then they want to toast with a alcoholic beverage to “not getting caught.”

I went to see the movie “The Monuments Men” today. Three thoughts floated through my head most of the movie. 1) I should not have drank all that tea because I had to pee. 2) I wish I brought Advil because my knee was aching from an injury I sustained while drunk last October. And 3), every time they drink in the movie, I wanted booze. They had champagne and wine and toasted with some mystery beverage in cups that I imagined was a good lager. They mentioned whiskey and cognac throughout the movie. I mourned that I will never be able to taste any of that again.

But there was one character in the movie, Donald Jeffries, who was the drunk of the group. There were a few lines joking about it. He was sober. How long? Since this morning. But then he redeemed his drunken reputation by helping save great masterpieces. There was a letter in the movie that said something about going on the mission to save art helped restored his dignity.

That word stuck in my head. That is one more thing I lost. Dignity. My friends laugh at my mishaps. My mom’s boyfriend doesn’t seem to trust or like me in their house. If I go back to drinking, my mom will just see me as weak. I imagine my exes describing me as a crazy drunk. Dictionary.com defines dignity as “bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect…” I do not have self-respect. I struggle for self-love at times. I loved alcohol more than I love myself.

I know that this path to sobriety will not be easy and will come with it’s own problems. But maybe I can find dignity again.

Mistake # 14- Halloween parade: It is my favorite holiday of the year. I made an awesome costume that year. I spent a week creating a bird costume. Then at the beginning of the parade, I poured a bottle of “oil” all over me. The “oil” was pancake syrup with black food coloring. I was an oil spill victim. It was amazing but I was very drunk. I carried a water bottle full of rum and Diet Coke. I had a 2 liter bottle and a small bottle of rum in my bag for refills. My friends were wearing costumes with white bottoms so they ordered me to march in the parade far from them so the “oil” would not drip on them. I was stopped at one point by a news crew for an interview that never aired. I don’t remember being stopped but my friends said it happened. I must have been too trashed to be shown on TV. I do not remember the end of the night. Maybe my friend I was staying with came to meet me? Maybe I took a taxi to his place? I am lucky I was not driving that night. My favorite holiday but I was blacked out for most of it. In fact, I think the only Halloweens I fully remember are ones when I work.

Been a Long Time Coming….

Posted in First 30 days by

March 24, 2002 Journal entry:

When I think about all the problems alcohol has caused in my life, I seriously wonder why do I continue to drink. It has brought me some good memories, but many blackouts. It has brought me some friends, but ruined many relationships. It has made me feel good, but it is bad for my body. It has caused me to bruise my body and ego at times. It has caused one night stands or the desire to be with someone caused me to drink. I put myself at risk. I have put others at risk. I ruined my driving record and insurance. I’ve hurt others by the things I’ve said while drunk. I’ve wasted many hours being unproductive because of being drunk or recuperating from being drunk. I have missed work or been late to work. I’ve missed class and been late to class. I’ve spend money I couldn’t afford to spend to get drunk. Then I spent more money to get out a towed car, buy new tires I blew out while drunk, and to cover up other mistakes. Alcohol has brought so much misery to my life. I might have drank to have fun, but how much fun it is if I can’t remember most of the night or what I might have done drunk? I think it exacerbates my depression. It’s addicting. It is destroying my life.

And I continued drinking for another twelve years with a few drinking breaks to “prove” I could control it. It is not as if I woke up January 22, 2014 and said “Wow I never knew I had a drinking problem before. Maybe I should quit.” I mentioned in my first blog that I have been considering for the past year of collecting 365 regretful, drunk episodes. Sometimes I wonder if I can write 730 mistakes. Then throw in an extra for leap year.

Mistake #13- The mention of my tires in that journal entry has me confused but I think it happened years before I wrote that. It think I was referring to a time when I was married. Maybe in 1999? I went out clubbing with friends. My husband was either at work or home playing video games. He found me passed out on the couch the next morning. He woke me up and asked me what happened to the car. I didn’t know what he was talking about. He took me outside and the trunk was open. The lock was broken. The bike rack was missing. There were two flat tires. We concluded that I left the parking lot through one of the exits that had the chain hanging across it and the spikes up on the ground to pop tires. I must have drove under the chain! There were scratches along the top of the car. The chain must have pulled the bike rack off and broke the trunk in the process. Not sure how I did not get four flat tires. I was glad my husband was mechanically inclined to fix the trunk and get us new tires for a good price.

Enough

Posted in First 30 days by

I just looked at my blog name as I signed in and thought “should it be 365 reasons 2 B sober?”

Then I thought no, cause I feel this is a path I am taking to sobriety. After a year of writing down 365 mistakes, then they will become reasons to be sober. I was reading one of my old journals about my thoughts on AA and the 12 steps. I said instead of steps, it should be “guided trails.”

I woke up today and read some more of Caronline Knapp’s “Drinking: A Love Story.” Since it is too tempting to drink wine with it in the evenings, I figured drinking coffee with it in the daytime will be easier. My mom’s boyfriend told me I was drinking too much coffee. I told him at least I didn’t put Baileys in it.

I have been thinking about the word sober. People say if you have not had any booze since such and such date, you have been sober since then. I keep thinking “well I could have a beer and not be drunk so to me that is SOBER.” According to dictionary.com, a definition of sober is “habitually temperate, especially in the use of liquor”. One drink doesn’t affect me. Could I have maybe one glass, not admit it to those that know I am trying to not drink, and still consider myself sober? Yes, I could do that. It would not help my alcoholism.

A part in the 4th chapter of the book really grabbed me.

Enough? That’s a foreign word to an alcoholic, absolutely unknown. There is never enough, no such thing. You’re always after that insurance, always mindful of it, always so relieved to drink that first drink and feel the warming buzz in the back of your head, always so intent on maintaining the feeling, reinforcing the buzz, adding to it, not losing it.

I have chased a buzz so often. Many a time I have said “I need to keep up this buzz. If I start to sober up, it is hard to achieve this level of drunk again.” I could not diagnose what that level was. That level might have been 5 drinks from blacking out. I could not define when I went from buzzed to trashed. Friends have tried to say “well it is because you were mixing. Never have beer AND cocktails.” Or it was because I had shots. Or tequila. Or cheap wine. It was always the booze fault. Never mine.

I have stared at wine bottles salivating. I have been in situations where I did not pay attention to a conversation because I was gauging how much I could drink without looking bad. When was a proper time to ask for another drink? Was I drinking more than everyone else? Or when would they open the next damn bottle! Ms Knapp mentions comparing how much is in your drink to the other glasses. I DID THAT! I would complain if I felt I was being cheated out of booze. And if it was at my house, I always poured myself extra cause “my tolerance is higher.”

Somewhere after a few bottles, the happy joyful me turned into a depressed, jealous, angry drunk. Arguments happened. Sometimes physical fights. I woke up hungover a lot the last few years and the first thing I did was check my Facebook to see if I made any drunk posts. Then I would delete them. Sometimes a friend would email me to see if I was okay because my posts were depressing. I always responded “No was just drunk.” A lot of friends took to blocking my statuses or unfriending me.

I never felt I needed booze. I feel I am not physically addicted. Though reading this book is reminding me that yes, I can have one drink and still feel sober. But I will never stop at just one drink forever. I could go with one drink a day for thirty days. Then my brain will tell me “see, you can moderate.” That whole month, I will be aching for it to end. On the 31st day, my brain will say I have no problem. I have proved it to myself I can drink and “stay sober.” I will drink more than one drink and then another. Then I will want to keep that level of buzz. Then I will get drunk. Maybe not black out drunk that night. But the blackouts will return.

So even if I can have a drink and not feel drunk, I must remember sober is not just the opposite of drunk. Sober means abstaining from alcohol. Sober is enough. It has to be.

I have one real life friend that knows about this blog. I was messaging with him earlier and said “I get happy and outgoing at first and then I snap and become depressed and mean.” He remembers. He mentioned another drunk episode I forgot about.

Mistake #12 We were on a road trip. We were visiting a city that was new to both of us. We were dating about five months but fighting a lot about where our relationship was headed. I think I was worried I was wasting time if there was no future. We went to meet up with my friend’s roommate. We were gonna to have dinner and then an outdoor movie.

As soon as I met the roommate, I thought he was cute. He said he thought the same about me. But I was there with my boyfriend. So what if i thought this guy was cute. Nothing would happen. Then the drinking started. We enjoyed sampling a lot of the local brews he suggested. We were helping the economy!

After dinner, we headed to the outdoor movie. But we didn’t want to go there and let our great buzz die. So we went out of our way to find a mixer. I must have had vodka in the car already. We mixed lemonade with the vodka. My boyfriend and I sat away from the local guy and his friends. But he texted me the whole movie. It was an old movie from the 80s that my boyfriend did not know. So I was enjoying the text messages back and forth with the local guy making fun of the movie and quoting famous scenes. I did not see it as flirting.

After the film, the local guy invited us to a bar. Or club. I don’t remember. I was drunk. I drank most of the vodka and lemonade. I am sure my boyfriend drank a lot too but I was more trashed. The local gave us a ride to the bar. I really don’t remember anything there but my boyfriend told me I ended up kissing the local guy. In front of my boyfriend.

He doesn’t remember much about the night either. He said I got kicked out of the bar. I guess for being too drunk. And then we fought outside. I got hysterical. He said it took him thirty minutes to calm me down. I refused to get in the taxi. A few men have told me I have a fear of taxis when drunk. Actually, a fear of the taxi drivers. I am not sure if I have a repressed, drunk mistake to that story also.

He finally got me in a taxi. We were staying at a friend’s place that was away. I woke up in the middle of the night in the passenger side of my car. My boyfriend was inside the house. I had to pee. I opened the car and my car alarm went off. I ran inside to find the keys to deactivate it. I went pee and then climbed into bed with my boyfriend. I had no idea why I was in the car or what happened after the movie.

I know I lost a favorite bracelet and a cell phone. Mostly I lost my mind that night. I don’t know how he stayed with me another 15 months.

First Temptation: Reading with wine

Posted in First 30 days by

There are so many blogs about recovery!

I started to read some last night. And one blog would mention another and I would open that page. I kept wondering “should I start reading this blog from the beginning.” Then I would realize some of those blogs are more than two years old. It would take a long time to read each post. But it is comforting. It is motivational to think those bloggers have been sober that long and still blogging. I feel I got hoisted back on my pink cloud.

Earlier in the evening, I was reading “Drinking: A Love Story” by Caroline Knapp. I was at my mom’s house alone. She works far away and near my brother so she stays there when she has to work the next day. Her boyfriend went out for the night. I looked forward to a quiet night of reading the book. But then I realized something was missing: a glass of wine.

In my old apartment, I would spend many evenings reading and drinking. I have not owned a television since 2005. I love reading books. I also spend, or waste, a lot of time online. I watch movies on Netflix or videos on Youtube. I read articles and connect with friends from around the world on Facebook. But once in awhile I would turn off my computer to catch up on reading. I curled up on my couch with a blanket or in my bed. Or I would relax in the tub with a book, bubbles and aromatherapy candles. But I always had a glass of wine with me. I even bought a book tray that goes across the tub with a special slot for a wine glass.

I put down the Ms Knapp’s book and went to the computer. I filled up a large glass with water. I made a mental note to pick up some lemons and limes to flavor my water.  I started to read and click “follow” on blogs that I found interesting. I commented on and liked a few. It started to feel like a cyber support group. (Thank you soberlearning and rfscout for giving me encouraging words not to pick up that glass of wine.)

I enjoy reading how other people overcame struggles. It is an embarrassing malady to have. Too many friends have discouraged my decisions to go sober in the past. It is as if I told them I have an incontinence problem. They don’t understand. They don’t want to be around me with that problem. “Just control it.”

I thought of going to an AA meeting last night. I decided I was too lazy to go. Maybe I will go to some when I get back to where I am currently living.

I spent the time this afternoon reading a journal form 2003-2005. There were a lot of entries where I ended it “I need to quit drinking!” Sometimes I admitted I had a problem but I did not want to do anything about it. I was too scared of what going sober would do to my awesome social life. That was 10 years ago. If I went sober, it would have prevented a DUI.

Today I kept wondering if I could control my drinking. Maybe if I only drank wine in restaurants. Or no more than a bottle a night at home. No more strong IPAs. For now, I want to commit to 365 days without alcohol.

Mistake #11- This is one I would have forgotten if I wasn’t checking out photos on my mom’s computer: My nephew’s kindergarten graduation.

I went out the night before with a friend. I do not remember the night at all. I do not know where we went or what we drank. But I woke up in his bed. And I woke up with my mom calling my phone and asking if I was ready for the graduation. They would pick me up on the way to the school.

I stuttered that no, I was not ready. I might have even mentioned being at a friend’s house. I would meet them at the school. Just text me the address. I grabbed my clothes and rushed to my house. I took a 2 minute shower to try to wash off the stench of booze. I put on a cute skirt and top and drove to the school. My mom saved me a seat. My sister and niece were in front of us. I honestly remember that instead of being hungover, I will still drunk. There is a photo of me between my 6 year old nephew and 3 year old niece and she is pushing herself away from me. I guess she was too young to be an enabler.

Drinking Problem and Problems from Drinking

Posted in First 30 days by

Sometimes I feel all my problems in life are related to my drinking. But I know that I will still have problems even with a sober life. I do not think I ever used booze to hide from my problems. I mostly drank for the taste, the feeling, and the social lubrication. Maybe I was hiding from my lack of confidence.

I started a new job this week. But due to miscommunication between companies and missing paperwork, they delayed my start date. This is very frustrating because I am very broke. (I guess this is a great time to go sober rather than spending money on alcohol.) I can not help but want to blame the delay on my drinking problem. The only paperwork that could be associated with my addiction would be the background check. I was told last week it was cleared but the facility said they did not have the results as of Monday. They had to extend the current employee so I can not start until the 18th.

My background check has prevented me from one other job a few years ago. I started at that facility and was canceled after one day. The guy in charge of approving background checks returned from vacation and rescinded my contract. I guess whoever covered for him while he was away cleared me but he retracted it when he discovered I had two DUIs. I cried and cursed myself and the facility. But I was lucky and found another job nearby starting the next week. It worked out well. So no reason then for me to consider going sober.

There was other paperwork missing from this job. So even if they had the background check results on Monday, they still would have delayed me. I just can not help but think my drinking is the root of all my problems. Most of my relationships were plagued by drunken fights. I would get trashed and cry and doubt the person loved me. I must have seemed very loveable at that point?

Since I have an unpaid week off, I came to stay with my mom and her boyfriend. I already paid rent and moved into a room in a house near my new job. But since I am broke now, I figured I could at least get free meals at my mom’s. The only problem here is her wine rack is a temptation.

I am going to spend my week reading and writing. I am going to continue to try to blog daily. I am wondering if I will be able to keep this up daily for a year. I have been checking out other blogs about going sober. Some only lasted a few weeks. I started to follow a few. I just signed up for the 100 Day Challenge. I also plan to read Caroline Knapp’s “Drinking: A Love Story.” I have 10 years of my personal journals to read. I also just received “Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety” by Sacha Z. Scoblic in the mail. I hope to read that this week. And I plan to reach out to the other bloggers. Maybe I will check out an AA meeting.
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Mistake #10: I was dating this guy for about 10 months. It was a long distance relationship. And I mean very long distance as in across the Atlantic Ocean. I went to visit him and we had plans to travel for a week. It was his 30th birthday at the beginning of the trip and mine at the end. The trip was nice and fun. But on my second to last night of visiting, back at his house, we got into a horrible drunk fight. I do not remember what it was about. We were in the living room and my shouting woke up his housemates.

I woke up on the couch with a wicked hangover the next day. He brought me breakfast and I asked what happened. He couldn’t believe that I did not remember any of the fighting. He said I kept telling him I hated him and I didn’t trust him. I kept saying he did not love me and he had no idea what he did for me to make those accusations. He most likely did not deserve it. It was a little drunk demon running in my mind telling me I was worthless saying those things. He said I puked and then passed out on the couch. (That explained the trashcan he put by the couch.)

I spent that last day not drinking and profusely apologizing. I stayed in his bedroom most of it because I was too embarrassed to face his housemates. We went out for dinner where I drank water. I left the next day to return to the states.

He dumped me via email three weeks later. He said it was because he knew I wanted marriage one day but he did not. I really think the monster that appeared in his living room was why he made his decision.