I can still cry on Prozac

One reason I hated Prozac when I was on it 13 years ago is because it numbed me so much, I couldn’t cry. I remember a coworker died and I did not feel sad. Now I think it is because I just did not like her. But today I can not stop crying. I found out my last boyfriend, who I am still in love with, has started a heroin addiction.

I feel helpless. I feel guilty. I feel useless. I want to do something. I wish I knew what I could do. Or that there was something I could do. I know it is not my fault and most likely I would not have been able to prevent this. But I still feel if he and I stayed together, he would not have picked up the needle. If I did not get so drunk and jealous last time we were together, maybe we would have kept talking. I am physically and now emotional distant from him. I can not help but worry now. His new girlfriend is the reason he started using. I hate this woman now and that has nothing to do with jealousy.

I did leave a card telling my feelings for him and how I want him to get cleaned. I want him to get help. I gave it to a mutual friend to pass on. I doubt he will call me. But I needed to get the message to him.

I am glad I am on Prozac now. Not sure what this news would do to me. I might have spiraled down into deep depression. I am also glad to be sober to deal with these feelings.
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Mistake 251- When I first met my friend that introduced me to this last boyfriend, we were drunk at a club. We danced and made out. I drove him home with me. I drove drunk 20 miles while he kissed and played with me. He said he was impressed I kept the car from swerving. I am impressed we survived the drive. He laughs about it now but I think about it and it makes me grateful to be sober.

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Prozac

I was talking with a friend the other day about her son and ritalin. Her sister has temporary custody of the boy and think he has ADHD. He is 13. I think he is being a teenager. My friend doesn’t want her son on speed and does not know her rights with it. I told her how I think medication should be the last resort. Then I got thinking about my own medication use.

I have been on Prozac for a month now. I picked up a bottle when I was in Mexico. I was against starting anti-depressants for a long time. I always thought exercise and diet were better than something created in a lab. I thought just going sober would be the cure to my hopelessness. But after my rough,  depressive August, I knew I needed something. The bottle had 100 pills and I thought I would just need this to bring me up and then I would stop. I thought I can start eating healthier and exercising my way to joy.

I am not too sure now. I feel happier and more confident.  I am not sure how much to thank my Prozac for that. Do I want to take the chance of stopping when I run out after 3 months? I am not going to fly you Mexico for another bottle. I guess I should start finding a therapist for a prescription. And then she or he can help me figure out when to wean off.

I am pleased I started it. I just do not want to depend on the little green and yellow pills forever.

Mistake 244- I went to a party and met up with a friend I have not seen in a long time. He was in town briefly. I always had a crush on him. I remember I had plans to sleep in the back of my car that night to avoid driving. I was all set to get trashed.

I drank beers and shots of Jameson. I remember bragging that Jameson was the only whiskey I drank because it was smooth. I remember showing my ID for the first shot. Then I lost it. I had to keep returning to the same bartender the rest of the night.

I made out with my friend. I only briefly remember it. I think we were dancing and then started to kiss. I guess it was a good thing he had a ride to his hotel and I was staying in the parking lot because not sure what more would have happened.

I did have a bouncer stop me on the way out to say they found my ID. Still, it was a close call. I lost so many driver licenses while drunk.

That friend is now married with a baby. Whenever he is on town, he is always too busy to meet up with me again.