Studying and sleeping better

I had to do a test today for a certification for work. I have to do this ever two years. I have been studying for it the last few nights. There are 9 different parts to this test. I only need to do 5. Ever since I first got certified in 2002, I only do the minimal 5 that I need.

Today, I did all 9. And I passed!  Out of about 100 questions, I only got 2 wrong. 1 cause I did not read the complete answer. The other cause I did not know the answer. But I was so thrilled after. It gave me confidence for the classes I will be starting soon. I thought “go sober brain!”

Because of doing the test, I only got 4 1/2 hours of sleep before work. My coworkers are asking why I am so alert and able to function. It might have not been a lot of sleep, but it was solid sleep. I couldn’t get that much solid sleep in my drinking days without a sleeping pill. And that would make me feel hungover when I woke up.

Mistake 112- I was living in Europe with a boyfriend. We went to the gay pride parade. We walked along in the parade waving rainbow flags with his gay friend. I remember there were trucks in the parade selling beer off the back. I thought “god I love this country! Allowed to have bottles of beer while walking in a parade!”

So we drank lots. We both got drunk. After the parade, he wanted to go home. He wasn’t feeling good. I wanted to stay. I wanted to keep partying. There were a lot of after parties. I accused him of being a wimp and lightweight.  So he left.

This was maybe my 2nd week living there. I did not know the public transportation nor the city well yet. I was not sure how I would find my way back to our apartment. But I didn’t care.

I met a young guy who wanted to practice his English with me. He had a older, controlling boyfriend who kept giving me the evil eye. I kept talking with the young guy and hoped I could tag along with them to parties. But that was not to be allowed. I do not know how long we were chatting before old, grumpy boyfriend came over and said “we are leaving!” and dragged the young man away.

So no parties at the gay clubs for me. I did not know where they were. Instead I stopped at bars for “just one” on my way to the metro. Somehow, drunk me found my way home. I do not know how long it took me nor what time I got home.

Once again, put myself at risk in a strange city just to keep drinking.

Society Scoffs

I was talking with a coworker, who has a masters in Psychology, about addictions the other day . She said even if someone stays away from alcohol or drugs, they will always be an addict because they “do not have morals” and keep their addictive ways.

Then tonight, a coworker, said her uncle fell off the wagon. Another coworker said “well he is a lost cause.”

In two nights, two negative comments. Then I remember why I do not tell people that I am struggling with recovery. Amongst all their jokes about getting drunk and asking if my lemon water has vodka in it, I never say “I can’t drink alcohol.” I am not sure if I am embarrassed or just do not want to deal with their unfavorable attitudes. I would like to stand up for all alcoholics and addicts but then I worry how it would affect my work environment. A mistake is made and “oh must be her fault cause she is the alcoholic.” (Never mind all the mistakes I have been catching lately that coworkers have been making!)

Sometimes I think when I go back to school,  I might want to studying addiction. Maybe become a therapist or counselor.  Maybe try to help society overcome the stigma of addiction. Start finding real help and treatment rather than just punishment. I was informed that insurance through my job would cover rehab. For 72 hours. Who they hell can get cleaned in 72 hours?

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Mistake 109- I met a friend at a festival in 2010. We met up again a few months later for a Halloween parade. He is very hot. Brazilian and young. When I first met him, I thought he was gorgeous. But I am 15 years older than him and I do not look like Demi Moore. I have no chance with him. Plus, he dates young, hot girls.

He joined me for this parade. I got drunk. Before he arrived, I was describing him to my friends as “the hot Brazilian.” He joined us for a bit. I kept drinking and think I remember still referring to him as “Hot” when he was there. I think I started to even hit on him. I do not remember but he left and has avoided meeting up with me ever since. We have been in the same city several times since 2010 and even same city on the other side of the globe. But he never replies to my requests to meet up.

I asked one of my other friends that was there at the parade what happened. She said “You were so funny. Yea you kept hitting on him but nothing out of the ordinary for you.” But I think it was enough to make him feel uncomfortable. He probably thinks of me as the old, drunk woman. Hopefully, I can make amend with him one day.