Mothers Day

Happy Mother’s day too all moms living in countries where it is celebrated today. I spent last Monday with my mom to celebrate because I am working this weekend. I also think of this day as a day I am thankful I am not a mom. 

Mistake 110- I was staying at my sister’s house for a few months. My mom spent weeknights there. I went out one night to meet up with a friend that was visiting the city. We met at a pub. He had a friend traveling with him.  We all got drunk. I ended up bringing his friend back to the house. I do not remember much but we had sex in the kitchen. The room my mom stayed in was right above the kitchen. I remember my mom yelling my name down the steps from upstairs. He and I stopped, or maybe we were already done, and I yelled up it was me and just having some drinks with a friend. She went back to bed. I have no idea if she knew what was going on. He and I slept on the couch so she knew it was a male friend when she left for work in the morning.

This sounds like some teenage or college antic. I was 32 or 33 years old. It always seemed more shameful thinking my mom might have known about my drunken defects.  

New Mug and Sober Triggers

My mom came to visit yesterday. She brought me this gift: Purple Flower Mug

(In case you can not read the picture, the mug says “The Best Things in Life are the people we love, the places we’ve been  and the memories we’ve made along the way.”)

It is a large mug and she knows I like large mugs. Plus she knows I like purple. But the message was the best part for me. Having memories is so much better than blackouts!  And I have a new mug for all my herbal teas.

The visit was nice. She again asked how the “not drinking thing” is going and how I feel. I sometimes worry I talk too much about my sobriety with her but I like having her as an outlet. I can not discuss it at work and my friends on Facebook still seem uncomfortable with it.

The only thing she said that annoyed me was “It is a shame. That is what people do. Meet out for drinks.” I told her I can still go out and I am even willing to go to places with alcohol. I will just order water with lemon. I have to just keep reminding myself I can not drink just like her boyfriend, who is diabetic, has to avoid certain foods. Or anyone with an allergy has to avoid certain things.

I kept trying to share with her some of my drunk stories to stress to her how much I drank. When we used to share a bottle of wine, she would have a glass and I would drink the rest. She seems to block out the times I spent at her house sleeping all day after being up all night emptying her wine rack. She always thought of my DUIs as unfortunate mistakes. Maybe she is worried if she admits I have a problem, it is somehow her fault?

I am realizing that when I do finally get around to working on the 12 steps, I really need to make amends to her even if she does not recognize it. “Sorry mom for all those times you were worried when I was out drinking. Sorry for making you drive 6 hours away to bail me out of jail. Sorry for you returning to that city for my court date.  Sorry for all I put you through.”

After she left, I went to the grocery store. I was stocking up on veggies and ingredients for salads. I am determined to drop weight in the next month. I have a reunion June 7. I also bought some unsweetened tea and large gallon of water. I am going to put lemon, lime, mint, and cucumbers in the jug of water. Then I am gonna drink at least half of it each day. Keep refilling it. Hope it helps.

I walked past the beer section in the store. I glanced at some summer ale. For a brief second, I thought “I could just stop. I could just give up this sober thing. I could always try again later.” But I kept walking. I thought I worked too hard to stop now. This “sobriety thing” needs to be a forward thing. No backpedaling. No breaks. I do not want to think of the self-loathing that would follow if I drank that beer.

I picked up my last item but the sober-drink battle kept floating in my brain. It was not really a battle. Just a lingering thought. Just images of me sitting in bars. Just one drink in my hand.

Then a man passed me. He was wearing a hat from a university I used to want to attend. A university in a city that I was planning to move to until plans changed in January. That was when I found out I could not get the job I wanted because of my two DUIs. They said it did not matter how long ago the DUIs were. My plans for the job and moving there were canceled. That was when I decided to get sober. And seeing his hat was a reminder of why I quit drinking alcohol. It triggered me back to happy, sober land. I do not want anymore plans changed or futures ruined from my drunk mistakes. I am gonna keep being sober and even if my life does not become perfect, it will be a hell of a lot better than where it was going. I actually want to be alive.

Now I am gonna enjoy some mint tea.

Mistake # 105- I graduated college. My mom came to my graduation with my sister and nephew who was a baby. They stayed at a hotel. I joined them to stay in the room one night. My sister and I waited until my mom and the baby fell asleep. Then we snuck out of the hotel. I wanted to celebrate! Two women in their mid-twenties sneaking out like teenagers.

We went down to some bars that were walking distance. (I had a restricted driver license because this was after my first DUI.) We got drunk. We met some guys. They tried to invite us back to their place. We declined because we knew our mom would be too upset if we were not back by morning. We stumbled in the hotel room after last call at 2am. We tried to be quiet but for some reason, drunk people sound like elephants even when tip toeing. We woke my mom and she just warned us not the wake the baby. We slept in until the afternoon the next day while she took the baby out for breakfast and shopping. My sister and I got drunk again that night. Maybe the birth of my nephew distracted my mom from me and my sister’s alcoholism.

my Mom

I do not have problems turning down alcohol yet. I am not sure if that is due to lack of influence or weak temptations. My brother’s girlfriend offered me white wine on Friday night. She said she put a bottle in the fridge earlier. It seemed she bought it for my visit. I declined it and requested water instead. She did not encourage or ask offer it again. Neither she nor my brother were drinking booze that night. So no pressure.

I am visiting my mom now. She is aware of my intentions to quit. I shared with her some of the things I learned from the audiobook I was listening to on my roadtrip. She asked me if I believe alcoholism is a disease. She never believed my dad had a disease. She thought he just did not have the desire to quit. I told her I believe there are different levels of alcoholism. I think delirium tremen seizures are proof that it can be a medical problem. I do not have a physical addiction. But I am hoping I will be encourage to never drink again by noting some of the problems and mistakes from my drinking habits.

Mistake #5: Well this was not just one mistake. There were many times I would stay up late drinking wine or beer while my mom visited or when visiting her. Then the next day, I would sleep in while she would read the newspaper and drink her coffee. Sometimes it caused us to have a late start if we had site-seeing plans. Or I would sleep away most of my visit. She would place the empty wine bottles in the recycling bin and I would apologize when I woke up. If I drank a bottle during dinner, she would make some comment about not knowing how I could drink that much. Then she would give her consent to open a second bottle. I think living in denial of a husband’s disease formed her beliefs that her children could control it too.