Drinking Problem and Problems from Drinking

Sometimes I feel all my problems in life are related to my drinking. But I know that I will still have problems even with a sober life. I do not think I ever used booze to hide from my problems. I mostly drank for the taste, the feeling, and the social lubrication. Maybe I was hiding from my lack of confidence.

I started a new job this week. But due to miscommunication between companies and missing paperwork, they delayed my start date. This is very frustrating because I am very broke. (I guess this is a great time to go sober rather than spending money on alcohol.) I can not help but want to blame the delay on my drinking problem. The only paperwork that could be associated with my addiction would be the background check. I was told last week it was cleared but the facility said they did not have the results as of Monday. They had to extend the current employee so I can not start until the 18th.

My background check has prevented me from one other job a few years ago. I started at that facility and was canceled after one day. The guy in charge of approving background checks returned from vacation and rescinded my contract. I guess whoever covered for him while he was away cleared me but he retracted it when he discovered I had two DUIs. I cried and cursed myself and the facility. But I was lucky and found another job nearby starting the next week. It worked out well. So no reason then for me to consider going sober.

There was other paperwork missing from this job. So even if they had the background check results on Monday, they still would have delayed me. I just can not help but think my drinking is the root of all my problems. Most of my relationships were plagued by drunken fights. I would get trashed and cry and doubt the person loved me. I must have seemed very loveable at that point?

Since I have an unpaid week off, I came to stay with my mom and her boyfriend. I already paid rent and moved into a room in a house near my new job. But since I am broke now, I figured I could at least get free meals at my mom’s. The only problem here is her wine rack is a temptation.

I am going to spend my week reading and writing. I am going to continue to try to blog daily. I am wondering if I will be able to keep this up daily for a year. I have been checking out other blogs about going sober. Some only lasted a few weeks. I started to follow a few. I just signed up for the 100 Day Challenge. I also plan to read Caroline Knapp’s “Drinking: A Love Story.” I have 10 years of my personal journals to read. I also just received “Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety” by Sacha Z. Scoblic in the mail. I hope to read that this week. And I plan to reach out to the other bloggers. Maybe I will check out an AA meeting.
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Mistake #10: I was dating this guy for about 10 months. It was a long distance relationship. And I mean very long distance as in across the Atlantic Ocean. I went to visit him and we had plans to travel for a week. It was his 30th birthday at the beginning of the trip and mine at the end. The trip was nice and fun. But on my second to last night of visiting, back at his house, we got into a horrible drunk fight. I do not remember what it was about. We were in the living room and my shouting woke up his housemates.

I woke up on the couch with a wicked hangover the next day. He brought me breakfast and I asked what happened. He couldn’t believe that I did not remember any of the fighting. He said I kept telling him I hated him and I didn’t trust him. I kept saying he did not love me and he had no idea what he did for me to make those accusations. He most likely did not deserve it. It was a little drunk demon running in my mind telling me I was worthless saying those things. He said I puked and then passed out on the couch. (That explained the trashcan he put by the couch.)

I spent that last day not drinking and profusely apologizing. I stayed in his bedroom most of it because I was too embarrassed to face his housemates. We went out for dinner where I drank water. I left the next day to return to the states.

He dumped me via email three weeks later. He said it was because he knew I wanted marriage one day but he did not. I really think the monster that appeared in his living room was why he made his decision.

Journals and photos

I have been enjoying reading some of my old journals. There is information I wrote down that I forgot. Memories are being relived. Feelings are being remembered. Promises made were broken. It is entertaining.

I have been sober two weeks. It has not been hard so far. I really do not think it will be hard until I am in a social setting with temptation to drink. I was reading up about events in my area. Most of them are happy hour or wine tasting events. I will really miss wine. Especially a good petite sirah.

I have done a lot of winery tours. I have been to wineries in Napa, Hunter Valley in Australia, Niagara Falls in Canada, Finger Lake region in New York and one in Chile that included pisco distillery. I am not a wine snob that could pick out the fruits or descibe the woodsyness of a wine. But I like my wine to taste good. It is sad that I could easily drink a $50 bottle by myself in one night. And then still want more. I would usually start my night with the good or expensive bottles so that I would not know the difference if it was “2 buck Chuck” by the time I was drunk.

Mistake #8: I was at a friend’s wedding. Most people get drunk at wedding receptions. I was tipsy when I got to the wedding.

It was a late afternoon wedding. I started the day with brunch that had unlimited pitchers of mimosas for 2 hours. I made sure I got my money’s worth. I walked on the beach a little after brunch to sober up. But it was not gonna be enough. I drove to my hotel to change and get ready for the wedding. I was singing and dancing as I got ready. I really should not have been driving.

I was a little late to the ceremony. I had to wait outside because the bride was about to walk down the aisle. So I missed my friend’s entrance. The wedding was beautiful. It was a great ceremony where I cried tears of joy. The reception was also beautiful. The specialty drinks were red or white sangria. I drank a lot of both. I was drunk by dinner. I was trashed by the first dance. I do not remember the end of the party. I do know I got a taxi back to my hotel.

The next morning, my camera was missing. I tried to call the reception hall but I got a voicemail. I tried to call the taxi company (and was glad the number was in my phone or else I would not have known which company.) It was Sunday so no one would be in the office until Monday according to the recording. I took a taxi back to the reception hall to get my car. I looked around and asked people that were setting up for a church service if they found a camera. No luck.

I went home feeling depressed. I lost a lot of good photos on that camera. I had photos from trips and travels I took the previous months. It had a 32gb SD card. Plus it was a fairly good camera. I love my photos. Like journals, they are a great way to remember the past. They capture a moment in time. And all those moments could have been lost by my drinking.

I took a nap when I got home and swore to myself that if I find that camera, I would not drink for 30 days. When I woke up, there was an email from the bride that her maid of honor had my camera.

I did not keep my 30 day promise.

Beginning this blog one week sober

I have had this idea for awhile. For the past year, I have started to jot down in a pocket calendar, that was gifted to me by a former boss, the mistakes I made while drunk. The things I lost. The one-night stand. The blackouts. The accidents. The dangerous situations. The fights. I have achieved goals of “30 days no booze!” and then would celebrate that goal by getting trashed. And then more mistakes. I thought if I could come up with 365 mistakes I have made while intoxicated, those mistakes would give me a reason to go sober for a year. And I am hoping if I can make the goal of a year sober, I can attempt a life change of abstinence.

I recently found my personal journals from 1998- 2008. I skimmed them and found many memories from drunk nights, both good and bad. I am not going to lie and say all my drunken times were mistakes. But there were too many close-calls, of my life or other lives, for me to continue drinking. I believe my lack of self-esteem is the core of the problem. My addiction was born by my desire to be accepted. Cleaning up is being born of my desire to live.

 

This blog will be my way to list and share some of those mistakes. I will start with small ones and try to work my way up to the destructive ones. I will also write about my current state and how I am dealing with my sobriety. I will try to do this daily. I will not use the real names of anyone. 

 

As of today, I am 8 days sober. It has not been hard. I have been driving across the United States since my last drink. So there has not been any temptation. I just downloaded the audiobook “Living Sober Sucks” by Mark A Tuschel to listen to for today’s drive. I will be spending time with friends the next few nights. I know the time will be full of my crying about my addiction and their supportive words. They are friends who have been with me for a long time and have seen some of the wreckage cause by my drinking. Going sober seems to be the time of testing who are friends and who are party associates.

As for an example of a mistake from my drinking, I will start off with this past New Year’s Eve. I was partying with some friends in Kuala Lumpur. We were at an apartment complex in the suburbs and the party was on the rooftop lounge. We had a nice view of the Petronas Towers. I broke my Galaxy3 that night by throwing it to a friend to take a photo of me while we were both drunk. He didn’t catch it. I do not remember seeing the fireworks over the famous towers. I do remember helping a stranger while he was puking. I do not remember leaving the party. I woke up the next day on a bed in a strange apartment in another suburban area. There was a fan blowing. My friend’s friend was lying on an air mattress in the room. I did not really know her and did not feel she even liked me. I went into the living room to play Sherlock Holmes and track down my belongings. The owner of the apartment was one of the party’s organizers. She was sweet. She offered to give me a ride into the city later that day. But I wanted to leave sooner. I wanted alone time instead of being hungover with these two women I barely knew. She gave me directions on how to take the bus to catch the Metro to the city. I was happy I had money on me and did not lose my purse. I worried how I was going to travel the next 3 weeks with a broken phone. It felt like a wasted New Years Eve.