Tag Archives: intoxicated

Charisma

Posted in 120-150 days by

I realize that not all of my mistakes are due to my drinking problem. Sometimes it was my low self-esteem.  Sometimes it was the charisma of another person. Sometimes it was a mix.

My friend the other day mentioned a guy as one of my drunk mistakes. I thought for a minute. I am not sure I would put him as a mistake. I said I always thought he was charming. She always thought he was creepy.  I do not know what it was I liked about him. Maybe it was because I was always drunk around him. She asked if I would have had sex with him if I was sober. I said maybe.

Then I thought of how he could be creepy at times. He would put his hand on my back in a bar and start rubbing it while I am talking to someone. He would catch my eye across the room and wink, even though he probably did that to 5 other girls the same night. Maybe he was fishing for a wink back and figure out who his catch of the night would be.

He tried to get with me one night when I was drunk but not single. He even knew my boyfriend. I was trashed and fading in and out of blacking out when I realized I was making out with him on his couch. I stopped and told him  “I can’t do this!”He was fine with it. We still slept in the same bed but did not have sex. I was woken up early when my boyfriend was Skype calling my phone. “Where are you?” Oh… I passed out on a friend’s couch.

He has an apartment with a great location. It has great views. Great party atmosphere. He is smart. Makes good money. Was semi-good looking. I have another friend who, without knowing I had sex with the guy, asked “how does he get so many girls? What is his secret?” I do not know. All I can think is it must be his charisma. I was drunk the few times we had and almost had sex. But I knew I was interested in him even before having the first drink of the night.

And that is when the low self-esteem comes in the mix. I knew he was a player. I knew he slept with probably half of my friends in the city. (Except the ones that thought he was creepy.)  I did not think I deserved better. It made me feel better that I was one of his many chosen. It is like I did not want to be left out on the cheering sex squad. And many years later, I can not even decide if sex with him was a mistake.

Maybe it was a mistake. But it was not a drunk mistake. And there were many other drunks occasions at his parties, some  involving other guys, but not always mistakes.

I am invited to a party at Mr Charisma’s place this weekend. I have been debating it. I think I could handle being around the alcohol. But I do not think I want to try to handle being around him.
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Mistake 148- I think it was the same weekend I first had sex with Mr Charisma. He tends to act like nothing happened the next day when we are around friends. We were at a bar crawl. And I met a gorgeous Scandinavian man there. This guy paid me a lot of attention. He was not hiding his attraction towards me. But I got trashed! (That is the point of bar crawls, right?)

Somehow after the party, me and Mr Scandinavian ended up back on Mr Charisma’s couch. Maybe there was an after party on the patio? I remember making out with the gorgeous guy on the couch, clothes starting to come off, and Mr Charisma walked through the living room. He just looked at me and shook his head. I doubt he was jealous. But it made me feel like a cheap slut. Mr Scandinavian and I stopped what we were doing out of embarrassment and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

One drink for you… 3 drinks for me…

Posted in 120-150 days by

I went out for dinner last night with a friend. I have known DG for 7 years. When I first met her, it was right after I gave up my post-DUI sobriety. It was about two weeks after a pool party where I got trashed. I was still thinking I was able to moderate.The first weekend I met her, I got trashed two nights in a row. I don’t know why I was lying to myself that I did not have a problem.

When I got into the City, I felt very good. I thought “wow I have come a long way in sobriety. I no longer feel temptations to drink here.” The Happy Hour signs on the sidewalks were not trying to trip me anymore. The cheerful people on the patios drinking did tantalize me with their drunk laughter. I felt strong.

When DG arrived, we got a nice table outside. We had a great view for people watching. We chatted and caught up. Service was very slow at this place but we finally got our drink orders placed.

When her Cabernet arrived, I felt a little weak. I could smell her wine as much as I could smell my own breath. It smelled so lovely. It must have been a good bottle. I really wanted a sip. And I found this desire sad. I was just feeling satisfied at not wanting alcohol. One whiff later and I was craving the poison. Maybe I need to start drawing my Sobriety chips on my hands when I go out to remind myself not to reach out for it.

I am not sure what she would have said if I asked for sip. She knows I quit drinking but she did not know the whole story until tonight. And she did not say much about the story yet seemed to understand. Or at least understood I drank way more than normal people. She might not understand why I need to abstain but she does not have an issue if I do not drink.

She was never a big drinker. I would seriously have about 5 glasses per her one when we would party. We have meet up about once or twice a year since I moved away and that usually involves meeting for dinner. I usually would have 2 or 3 cocktails for her one. She took a long time to finish that Cabernet. What a weird and normal drinker she is!

I made one comment that I made too many mistakes when drunk. She started to list some of my mistakes. *sigh* I wonder if I have any friends that DO NOT have drunk stories I do not remember.

Mistake 147- The first time I met DG, it was at a picnic. Nothing bad happen the first day. We were in a public park and alcohol was illegal. No one was drinking until later in the evening. I had a good time and met people. DG and I connected and got along well. I did not get trashed. But the next night, I did.

We went to a late afternoon BBQ. I started drinking then. Then we went to a party to watch the Tonys and kept drinking. Then we went dancing. The last thing I remember is the dance club. Then I woke up in DG’s living room the next morning. She let me come stay at her place because I was too drunk to get home. She said on the walk to her place, I kept yelling I needed sex. She said I was quite funny. “I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN A LONG TIME! I NEED SEX!!!” She had a guy staying with her, who I apparently almost molested.  She really thought the guy was scared. He was foreign. He had a girlfriend back home. She said I tried to kiss him several times and he pulled away.

I guess I am lucky she has a sense of humor and put up with my crazy, drunk behavior. I am glad she likes me for whatever reason we connected that first day and not for my drunk antics.

Google myself

Posted in 120-150 days by

I tried to Google my blog. I typed “365reasons” and the first 4 things that popped are were “365 reasons i love you”, “365 reasons i love my boyfriend”, “365 reasons i love her”, and “365 reasons to drink.”

Love, love, love and alcohol. It is what is on everyone wants.

I went and clicked on the 4th option. I found it depressing. The top story was 365 Excuses to Get Drunk. As if people need an excuse? It was depressing that there is a whole magazine and website dedicated to, not just drinking, but “standing up for your right to get falling down drunk since 1996.” I actually might have read the magazine? I think I found a copy of it in a bar and that was where I discovered the term alcoheimers. Man, I was not just an alcoholic. I was a DEDICATED alcoholic. I am surprised I did not get a subscription to the magazine. I guess the closest I ever came to a drunk subscription was a wine club. They sent me cases every few months. The magazine would have been cheaper.

A bit further down, I found a link to an app on a Smartphone for drinking: 365 Reasons to Drink. I wonder if I can get someone to create an app after I complete my year of daily blogs. But my app would be a personal one with my mistakes. Everyday it will beep with my sobriety count and instead of some daily reflection, it will say “remember the time you passed out on the street in Brooklyn” or another drunk mistake.

Crazy that when I went back and added “not” to the front of the word “drink” in the Google search, my blog came up. I guess that is a good thing!

I am not beating myself up over my past and my drunk mistakes. I am realizing how far I have come. I watched Rum Diary tonight. And even though Johnny Depp’s character is an alcoholic and there is a lot of my old favorite liquor in the movie, I did not desire any rum. Instead I thought about booking a flight to Puerto Rico where the movie takes place. I even started to look up volunteer opportunities there. (Let me know of any volunteer jobs or companies you would recommend.)

A friend that I had dinner with a couple weeks ago emailed me and said he plans to quit drinking. He has a sobriety date set up for his birthday in a few weeks from now. He said he plans to pick up as much overtime at work to avoid the temptation. He said that helped when he quit smoking. He wants more tips from me. I need to plan a night next week to have dinner with him again.

(I have been very bad with reading other sober blogs lately. I am not being selfish. It has been time consuming to write my daily blog on top of work, school work, and my travels. But I was just reading through some and found this post about Sober and Awkward. Her rock bottom was a car wreck. She hit another car head on. She just got sentenced to 6 months in jail. I cried. I cried for her and for thinking “that could have been me!” I now feel selfish.)

Mistake 142- Many years ago, when I was still new to drinking but already blacking out and making mistakes, I went to a party at my friend’s house. Her housemates were away for the weekend. I remember she regretted the party because of lot of stuff got ruined. Drunk guys threw furniture into the pool and over into a canyon. People were having sex in her roommates bed that was off limits.

I had sex in the bathroom. I barely remember someone trying to open the door on us. I remember she was so mad at me. Our friends were mad at me also. I can’t remember now, but I think either the guy had a girlfriend or one of my friends liked him.

I helped her clean up the next day. I kept apologizing. 20 years later, she laughs it off as “we were dumb and in college!” When college kids do crazy things like that, it is seen as normal.

Pompous Octopus

Posted in 90- 120 days by

I had a friend that made a post on Facebook about the 10 year anniversary of his company. I would not have even noticed it if he did not tag me in it. I turned off following his profile because of his narcissism. I was also very annoyed with the last time we met up.

I had to visit his city last autumn. I was on a “drinking break” but not attempting sobriety yet. I asked if I could stay with him. He told me his roommate might be having someone stay on the couch but I am welcomed to share his bed. I saw no problem with that arrangement. We have known each other a long time and used to have casual sex back in the day. But that was ten years ago. I did not want to have sex with him on this visit or ever again. In fact, I never planned to have sex with him back in the day. It was always drunk sex. I used to always describe him as pompous but a fun drinking buddy. Unfortunately, meeting at the pub usually lead to waking up with him in my bed. I always regretted it but kept drinking with him.

During this last visit, we meet up at a bar. He was slightly drunk. He introduced me to some other drunk friends. I managed to drink my diet Cokes and felt proud I was not drinking beers with them. I told everyone I was not drinking for 2 months to prove to myself I could do it. (These past 106 sober days would have seemed impossible at that time.) But I was tired so we eventually said farewell to his bar buddies (that he just met) and I followed him to his place in my rental car. He insisted he was okay to drive and he got home fine. We walked into his apartment and his roommate was sitting on the couch. She was alone. She did not have someone staying on the couch like he said. That should have been a warning flag. After brief introduction, I went to the bedroom and to the bed that I was to share to sleep.

I did not sleep well that night. He spent the whole night touching me. He kept his hand on my butt or trying to wrap his arms around me.THANK GOD I was sober. I dozed a little but was unable to completely sleep because I was not sure where his hands would go next. I should have said something but I was tired. I should have got up and left but I did not have money for a hotel. I did not want to upset him but I was mad. Did he make up that story about his roommate’s friend on the couch to get me into his bed?

I woke up the morning and left for my meeting. I got to the meeting early so I could nap in the car in the parking lot. After my meeting, I texted my ex-boyfriend to see if I could stay with him that night. I should have stayed with him in the first place but I was worried that would be too hard. I still had feelings for him. I thought it would be easier to stay with the friend with the roaming hands. But I did not want to fight Mr Octopus again. The Ex welcomed me into his place and I gave some excuse to Pompous Octopus. I have not seen him since.

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

In this tag on Facebook, he commented that summer he started his company, he refers to as the “Summer of Sin”. He credited me and another friend as the reasons. I felt nauseous. I do not want to be memorialized by him for intoxicated intercourse. I do not want to be memorialized for sex I can not remember. Did we really have that much drunk sex for him to think about me when thinking of a whole summer? It makes me sick and sad. I want to be known for my accomplishments and personality. Not my blackouts and debauchery.

I met up with Pompous Octopus in 2008 in another city. It was Christmas weekend. I had some friends staying with me and we took two cars to a bar near him. It was a thirty minute drive. We all had fun. I did not drink much because I was driving. (It was still close enough after my 2nd DUI for me to be a responsible driver.) I invited Pompous to come to Christmas dinner with us the next night at a friend’s house. I explained there would be people from all over the world at the dinner. He accepted the invitation and asked about coming back to my place with us that night. Since my living was full of my friends, I told him he could share my bed. Then he had roaming hands that night. I was mad because I spent the whole evening talking about my new boyfriend. He knew I was dating someone but still thought he had a chance with me. The next morning, he asked if I could give him a ride to his place, an hour away, so he could change his clothes. Once we got there, he changed his mind and said he was going to skip dinner and stay home. Again, I was mad. He never wanted to join us for dinner. He just wanted to get in my bed. He never offered me gas money either.

Thinking back on all of this, I wonder why I stay friends with him. Why do I stay friends with a lot of people?

Mistake # 106- All and any times I had drunk sex with him. I was not attracted to him when sober. We became friends because we both like to get drunk and lived near each other. I do not blame him for the drunk sex. I just do not know why I kept hanging out with a guy when I kept repeating the same regrets.

Nepali New Year

Posted in 60-90 days by

I love celebrating different new years from different cultures. I feel it gives me a lot of new chances to start over. While Nepal has a lot of different ethnicities and 9 different New Years, Baishakh 1st is the national New Year celebration. April 14, 2014 in the Western calendar coincides with Nepali New Year 2071. When I googled how do the Nepalese celebrate it, I found:

People make new resolutions this day. Students plan their study schedule for the year. People exchange gifts and greeting cards.

Not getting trashed and drunk which is how I usually spend my New Years.

I was lucky enough to celebrate it last year in Bhaktapur, Nepal. The celebration there starts with Bisket Jatra. I watched parades, chariot races and families picnicking. They raise a tall pole and the New Year starts when it is pulled down. I was too drunk by the time it came down. I spent the whole evening drinking.

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one of the large chariots for the tug of war

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locals on a chariot

 

 

I arrived in Nepal with plans to abstain from alcohol in hopes I would lose weight over my three-week stay. I abandon that plan in order to celebrate New Years. I decided to celebrate an Eastern holiday with Western traditions?

 

I have done a lot of travel, but Nepal was one of my favorite countries. I would love to return and hike to the Everest Base Camp. Just the base camp. I am not a mountaineer. I did a three-day trek along the Annapurna circuit to Poon Hill. It was beautiful!

one of the mountains in the Annapurna range

one of the mountains in the Annapurna range

I got very drunk the night before I went on the hike. I forgot about that until now. I met up with a friend of mine from the United States. He just happened to be traveling Nepal and we were both in Pokhara at the same time. We started drinking at lunch. Then at happy hour. I kept meaning to end the night early but the intoxication of beer kept me going. We got very drunk and he ended up in my bed.

I was embarrassed the next morning when my trekking guide was knocking on my door at 7am.  I think the guide was embarrassed when he noticed a guy in my room. I told him to give me 10 minutes. I still needed to pack! I was running around my guesthouse room, nude, and trying to pack for a three-day trek. My friend laughed as he helped. The 10 minutes was more like half an hour. We got a late start on the hike. We drove to the start of the trail. (The car he hired was mad about the wait.) I was dreading that day because it was all uphill and I was hungover.

I did not drink during the hike up because I was worried about my performance and endurance. But I ordered beers at the tea houses on the way back down to Pokhara. We arrived in a town and rested before getting the bus back to Pokhara. I ordered some snacks and a beer. I was taking photos of the scenes in the street and people. There was a little girl with curly hair that kept looking at me. I thought she was very cute. Then a little boy walked over and started to talk to me. His English was very good.

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I think he said he was 11 years old. I remember he said he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. I told him that was a very good decision. Then he told me I should not be drinking beer. He said “bad people drink beer and smoke cigarettes.” I told him I do not smoke. He said “okay, well, you should not drink beer also. Promise me you will not drink beer no more.” I laughed and told the kid “I am sorry, but I can not make that promise.” He seemed upset.

It is sad that I could not make a promise like that. Maybe I can find that kid next time I go back to Nepal.

I got drunk with my friend when I got back to Pokhara. We hung out with some people he met while I was on my trek. He left us early and I spent the rest of the night with these new people. I was supposed to leave the next morning on a 7am bus to Lumbini. I missed it. I was able to find an overnight bus leaving that evening. I did not sleep well on that bus because I spent the night pushing off roving hands from an Indian guy sitting next to me. He kept trying to put his hand between my legs or on my breasts. I had to keep moving them. I regretted not keeping my nail file with me. I would have been safer on the 7am bus.

Realizing it is Nepali New Year today brings back many great memories of my trip there but also drunk stupidity.

May you embrace the start of a new year and whatever resolutions you care to make!

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Mistake # 83- While in Bhaktapur, I met up with a local guy from a travel website. He offered to show me around. A local guide is always a plus but truthfully, I did not want to be alone for the festival. I remember being surprised that this guy’s eyes were a very light brown. I asked him if he was mixed with another race. He said a lot of people ask him that but no, he is full Nepali.

We walked around while he told me some history and stories. He also told me about his wife in Europe. They were waiting for his visa so he could join her. They met while she was traveling in Nepal and fell in love. It sounded beautiful and quick. I was a bit skeptical. I enjoyed the company regardless.

He took me to non-tourist bars. Little, tiny, places. Literally hole-in-the walls. I loved it. I drank and drank. I kept toasting to him “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

I was locked out of my guesthouse by the time I got back. I was mad because even though I knew the guesthouse had a midnight lock time, I specifically asked if they would keep it open later due to the holiday. The owner told me yes. But the security guard fell asleep.

I banged a lot on the door. On the windows. I yelled “WAKE UP!” I threw rocks at upper windows hoping other guests would go down and wake up the guard. I was a drunk, selfish asshole. The local guy I was with kept trying to get me to quiet down.

The guard finally woke up. He let us in. The local guy ended up coming to my room with me. We had crappy, semi-sex. We were both too drunk. The next morning, he helped me find a taxi I needed to get back to Kathmandu. I did not want to look him in his beautiful eyes. I felt so ashamed.

He emailed me a few months ago. He asked if I had plans to return to Nepal. I guess his visa to join his wife never came through.

Just Leave

Posted in 60-90 days by

I have new housemates. I found out when I heard the person moving in. Their voices woke me up. (I work night shift so I sleep all day.) I went to the kitchen to fill my electric tea kettle and I met two people moving in bags. They were helping whoever this new housemate will be. I still have not met the housemate.

I am pissed. My landlord told me the other day she will let me know when the name of whoever moves in. But she did not warn me. She did not tell me she was even showing the house! Whoever this person is better be quiet during the day Saturday so I can sleep. I agreed to work overtime that night.

So I am reacting as I usually do: I am leaving. I had some argumentative text messages back in forth with my landlord telling her how unprofessional and rude this is to the tenants. I even threatened her that it is not legal to bring people into the home without telling the current tenants. She responded that I am only renting a room in her home with priviledges of the common area so she can show people the house whenever she wants. I still feel I have the legal right on my side. But there is no lease. Just a verbal agreement. And I do not feel like fighing. Since I am paid up until the end of May, I will stay until then. My job contract, as of now, ends June 28. So I need to find a place to live for the last month in this area. I think I will like to live closer to the city.

I have been watching  House of Cards a lot lately. I am loving this show. I just started season 2. I realize that “just leave” seems to be my answer to a lot of life problems. I want to tell some of the characters on the show to just move away. Start over. It has worked for me the past 10 years. I move every couple of months to new cities and towns. I work temporary contracts where I can find them. I love the flexiblity of it and the chance to experience so many parts of this country. I travel to other countries inbetween jobs. It also gives me a chance to reinvent myself.

I have friends all over the world. Most of those people know me as “party girl.” That was how we met. I feel they will be the hardest to convince I need to stop drinking. The only image they know of me is with a bottle or glass in my hand. They associate me with travel and intoxication. But my close friends, the ones I knew before I was nomadic or I got to know outside of the bar illusions, are the ones that I feel will be most supportive. If anyone does not support my sobriety, I will just leave that relationship behind.

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Mistake # 80- I had one night in Tokyo. I had a friend that lived there that was going to show me what she could in one night. She made plans for us to have sushi and saki with her girlfriend and friend. After plenty of saki, we decided to do karaoke.

It was a fun night until her girlfriend started to get quarrelsome. When my friend and I met, she was on vacation to the US. I was her holiday fling. We stayed in touch but this new girlfriend was jealous. When she began to get mean, my friend decided to take her home. I still wanted to party. But I did not want to spend the night listening to the insults so I agreed to go back to my hotel.

As they were walking me to the subway stop, we ran into their male friend and his boyfriend. Those two were celebrating their anniversary. She introduced me and said it was a shame I had to end my Tokyo night so early. The guys invited me to join their celebration.

I spent the rest of the night in gay bars with the two guys. I kept drinking Asahi and any other Japanese beer I could try. We sang karaoke at a few places. The one guy was Japanese and spoke no English. The other was Australian and was the translator for me and the boyfriend all night.

I woke up on their couch. The Aussie guy woke me up so I could get a taxi back to my hotel. I had to grab my bag and get to the airport. I still felt drunk as he walked me to the taxi stand. He told me the night before, I kept opening the taxi door to take photos of the flowers. It was upsetting the taxi driver. He laughed and warned me not to upset this taxi driver. “Taking photos of flowers? Did I use the flash?” No need. It was daytime by the time we left the bars. I guess Tokyo has no closing time? One of the photos from my camera:

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I had enough time to grab my bag, check out, and take the taxi to the train. Wasted $180 on a room in which I spent 10 minutes. The train to the airport served beer. The beer was cheaper than coffee. So I drank beers. I drank at the aiport. I wanted to be drunk for that long flight home. ImageI am still in touch with the Aussie guy. He is always asking for a drunk Skype date. Of course, that would mean one of us was drunk in the daytime. That was usual for me before I decided to go sober. He always tells me my couch is available whenever I come back to Toyko. Would he still be offering it if I tell him I quit drinking?

 

My Sobriety, My Health

Posted in 60-90 days by

I really wish people would not discourage others from exercise. “Oh you don’t need to lose weight” might be an attempt at a compliment, but usually comes off sounding condescending. Or is that my alcoholic brain thinking that?

I mentioned going to the gym the other day and my coworker told me I don’t need the gym. Who doesn’t need some physical activity in their lives? She told me I am not overweight. I asked her does that mean she had a consult with my doctor? According to my last physical, I am overweight and my cholesterol was slightly high. (Does beer affect cholesterol levels?)  She said “well if you are fat, then I am huge.” I said nothing.

It seems people are uncomfortable if others try to be healthy if they do not have healthy habits. And they belittle those that believe in physical exertion. They make fun of people for eating salads and call it “rabbit food”. They criticize organic foods. They say junk food just tastes too good to eat healthy. It is comparable to people being uncomfortable with other’s sobriety if they question their own drinking. Being drunk just feels too good.

My homemade salad

My homemade salad

I was uncomfortable around sober people. I used to feel as if a friend fell in battle when they quit drinking. They were no longer along side of me in the drinking war. I left them on the couch in the trenches as I trudged to the bar without them. I never considered they were rescued and sent away from combat.

I am now fighting for sobriety and health. Once again, thoughts have been creeping in some hidden part of my brain saying “maybe you can enjoy drinks again one day… ” It is like: I know I do not want to drink now, but I wish those thoughts of “maybe one day” would disappear. I also know I should not worry about the possibilities in the future. Except the possibility of being able to do push ups again. Right now that is my goal. I want to be able to do 10 push ups by the 90 days sober.

I need to ignore the naysayers and those that are cynical about exercise and sobriety.

YouStaySober

Mistake – #66-  I used to always excuse this one with “I was young and dumb.” But the alcoholism was already seeping into my inexperienced bones.

I was in a school full of Navy and Marines. I was sort of dating a Marine. I say “sort of” because he did not want anyone else knowing about it. And we did not go on dates. Ok, I was having casual sex with a Marine who wanted it kept hushed. I was naive enough to think it a meaningful relationship.

He had a party at a family member’s house where he was house-sitting. He invited most of the Navy and Marines that went to our school. I remember it was near Easter cause someone brought bunny shaped marshmallows and we toasted them over the grill. I got very drunk. The Marine I was “sort of” dating was ignoring me. A few of the people suspected he and I had a thing going. Someone told me they would pay me a dollar to push the Marine in the pool. So I did. It made the whole party laugh. But then I felt like shit and kept apologizing. Oh this really made the Marine mad and embarrassed. He ignored me more and began to talk to other girls.

A group of guys arrived from our school late. They were on their way to some clubs or somewhere else. Just a quick stop. They brought Taco Bell. One of the guys was sitting on the couch and I crawled up next to him. “Can I have a taco?” He hands one to me. “Want to join me in the bedroom?” He put down the tacos and followed me.

I remember it was a little girl’s bedroom in which we stumbled. We were passionately kissing and pushed some Barbie dolls off a bed. We were giggling as we undressed each other. And we were having good, drunk sex when people started to knock on the door. His friends were trying to find him and head off to their next party. We thought they would give up and go away. Instead, they broke down the door.

He jumped up to try to keep his friends out while trying to hide his nudity with whatever piece of clothing he grabbed. I hid under the covers. It was 4 or 5 guys and they pushed passed him to grab the blanket to identify me. Then they all laughed and told him to get dress. They were ready to leave. Once the broken door was closed (but it was now cracked), he came over and try to calm the crying me. I told him to go. So he did.

My friends came in and consoled me. I asked if the Marine knew. Yes, the whole party knew. I asked if he was mad. No, he was playing video games. He didn’t seem to care.

The Marine ended up getting in a lot of trouble from his family. The house was a mess. Beer bottles were in the pool. And they wanted to know how did the bedroom door get broken. Also, they found a used condom on that little girl’s bed.

Glum

Posted in 30-60 days by

Yesterday I was feeling glum. My original plans were to grocery shop in the morning after work, sleep all day, wake up and go to gym, and then stay up late reading or watching movies. I am keep my body on my night shift schedule because I will most likely be called in for overtime tonight.

I got to the Whole Foods, started shopping, and dropped my phone. A cute man picked up and handed it back to me and said “at least it didn’t crack.” I smiled and made some joke about dropping it is why I have insurance. But when I got to the check out line, my screen was not turning on. Oh crap. It didn’t crack but it did break. I made the joke about the insurance but the truth is, my insurance on my phone ran out. I was allowed two replacements a year and I used them both up by ruining two phones when drunk.

I am new to this area so I was worried about trying to find my way home. I got mad at myself for relying on technology and GPS. I have an old Tom-Tom GPS thingie but it was not in my car. I did have my iPod Touch on me for listening to sober books (listening to Drinking Diaries currently.) I went back inside Whole Foods to use their WiFi and search maps on the iPod to figure my way to the highway.

Instead of sleeping in all day, I set my alarm for 4 hours sleep. I needed to wake up earlier so I could get my phone fixed. But all the Yelp reviews for phone fixers close to me were bad. I decided a quick 40 minute drive into the city would work since there were great reviews for phone repair companies there. I calculated it would take 40 minutes to drive to the city and but did not realize another 50 minutes to get INTO the city thanks to bridge traffic. I managed to get to the repair shop as the guy was walking out the door. He fixed it in fifteen minutes.

“Let’s grab some dinner in the city since I came all this way” I thought. I walked around wanting to find a place with good lighting so I could read while I ate. This will also, hopefully, avoid a place that was primarily a bar with food. I was thinking of just grabbing pizza when a woman was handing out flyers for free fries at a burger joint. It looked bright inside. But since I was eating alone, they sat me at the bar. I asked for the end seat near the sink so the booze would not be in my direct eyesight. The meal was good and I did not really feel any temptations.

The glum began to start when I picked my car up from the parking garage. When I paid, I started to calculate how much it was costing me to get this phone fixed. The price of the phone, the gas money, the bridge toll, the parking… it was all at least $200. A new phone would cost $500. But I started to think if I didn’t fuck up my phone while drunk twice, I would still have insurance. (I better get that overtime tonight!)

I read a few blogs while waiting for my car. Then I pulled over and read some more before leaving the city. A few bloggers wrote about relapsing. It started to get me scared. I worried about if I relapsed, would I try sobriety again? Would I be brave enough to blog about it? I keep thinking I have this sobriety thing easy since I have been mostly avoiding places with booze and I do not have kids or a partner that might make me want to grab a bottle. I have been volunteering to sign up for extra shifts at work to keep away from temptations (and fatten my paycheck.)

I started to think about one of the Drinking Diaries stories. I think it was called “First Sober Kiss” but I can not find it on the website. The author got sober by the age of 23. She talked about being drunk and promiscuous. I thought of some of the regretful, intoxicated intercourse I have had. I do not want to go back to that life. (Even though sometimes I am so scared I am not gonna know how to have a sober relationship if it ever happens.) These thoughts inflamed my glumness.

I left the city and started to drive towards the gym. I was still hoping for some exercise. Maybe it would clear my head. But thinking intensifies when I am driving. It leads to more thinking and overthinking. Add in tiredness and it creates a disheartened, crybaby. I started bawling and drove right pass the gym. I decided to go home to bed and just sleep for as long as my body wanted.

I  made a daily post last night before falling asleep. I was thankful that I wrote some already and saved as drafts. I just need to edit a bit and hit “publish post.” I fell asleep for eight hours.  It is now 5am and I am going to go the gym this morning. I feel better. Fatigue gone. And tomorrow I get my coconut cake for 50 days of sober.

Mistake #42 &43- I was living in Philadelphia but going to New York City every chance I got. It was summer and I was usually tan. But I was still pale by August because I rarely was awake in the daytime. I worked nightshifts and was up partying to sunrise if I was not working. Even if I only had one night off inbetween shifts, I would take the two-three hour Chinatown bus up to NYC, party for a night, and take a bus back in the morning.

I partied a lot with my Brazilian friend. She was a lot of fun. She had this cute, small apartment not far from Union Square. It was my crashpad for most of that summer. We would go to bars, go dancing, and have a few beers while watching the sunrise from her fire escape. It was a fun time for the most part.

On one visit on a weekend, I lost my phone. I think I lost it in a taxi or in a bar. I don’t remember. It was some cheap, Nokia. I got a free placement with insurance.

I went back up to visit the following Thursday because I had a friend visiting from the south. I originally met him when I lived in San Francisco and we got along right away. I remember loving his energy. He seemed so positive and upbeat. When I met him, he did not drink alcohol. But he started drinking again on this visit to New York. He told me about his issues with drinking and why he quit. I remember being glad he started again. We could have fun now! (And secretly I thought maybe I would have a chance to hook up with him finally.)

Drinking eventually killed him. I will have to save that for another blog because thinking about it is bringing back the glum.

He and I stopped in a bodega to pick up juice and wine in the late afternoon. The idea was to chug the juice and then fill the bottles with red wine. He also picked up some beer. We stashed the beer in his backpack. We alternated between our Jesus juice bottles and brown-bagged beer. We went to see the Brooklyn Bridge’s 125th birthday celebration. I remember there was a huge cake and fireworks. We were getting drunk and yelling “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” to a bridge.

We met up with friends in a bar afterwards. I remember almost getting in trouble for my bottles of “juice.” I tried to claim it was really just juice. A friend, who was a regular at the bar, asked me to please not drink my juice there. I started to buy rum and diet Cokes from the bar.

After the party at the bar was dying down, I took my friend to one more place. They played old 90s and rock music here. I wanted to dance. I remember rocking it out to Nine Inch Nails while my friend sat in a chair. He was looking glum. I did not realize, since we never drank together before, that he turned into a nasty drunk. He insisted on leaving. Okay okay… after a few more drinks.

I woke up the next day on my Brazilian friend’s couch. There was a note laying next to me “Did you lose your phone again!!!!!!”

huh?

Yep, I checked my stuff and my phone was missing. I went into her bedroom and found her sleeping. She woke up, saw me holding the note and looking confused, and started to laugh. She received a phone call from a taxi driver saying he found a phone in his car and her number was the first in it. That was such luck. Her name begins with a “C” but was one of the few I added to my new phone. I called the taxi driver back and he brought my phone to me. I lost two phones within one week! (Two mistakes.)

I have him a $20 reward. As he was taking the money, he said “Your boyfriend was not very nice. He said a lot of nasty things to me.” Huh? My boyfriend? “Oh him. Sorry. He is just a friend.”

“But he was not a nice friend.”

I do not know if the driver was trying to get me to give more money to make up for my nasty friend. I do not know what he did or said that was so nasty. But I do know I wish I would have recognized the danger my friend was in and I would have tried to help.

I don’t want to end up like him. I want to stay sober.

Training

Posted in 30-60 days by

Today I had a meeting with a trainer at the gym.  He asked me questions to figure out who to pair me up with and gave me some advice to meet my fitness goals. A lot of what he said made me think of my sobriety goals.

-gonna take awhile
-little bit at a time
-even when I am not at the gym (AA meeting), I have to focus on my goals

I was very happy when he asked me if I drink alcohol and I replied “I quit.” He said “good for you!” He asked if I had anyone supporting me in my fitness goals. I said no. I am alone. That is also how I feel with going sober. Maybe I should start a fitness blog also?

As he went on about long term goals, I did not tell him I most likely will be moving from the area in May. It makes me feel deceitful. I hope I can continue my goals to work out wherever I do move just like I hope I keep going to AA there.

I feel the next few months of my life will be work, sleep, blog, read, AA meetings,  and the gym.  Oh, and Walking Dead every Sunday night. I have a few plans for friends to visit and to visit friends while I am living in this area.  I will wait until just prior to the visitation to tell them I quit drinking. Lucky for me, most of the plans are with friends with whom I have a real relationship. Meaning, there is more to the friendship than partying. I know what they do for a living! I have or will meet their children!

I am in training to get fit and sober!

Mistake # 26- Five years ago, I took off 5 weeks inbetween jobs to travel Europe. I had my flights booked. I had a Eurorail pass for the train. First stop was a few nights in London to visit a friend. It was her 30th birthday party. We drank a lot of wine and mojitos, her favorite drink. The ones I made were crap but very strong. I passed out in her spare room. Good thing I was staying with her for my visit.

I did not see any sites of London the next day because I was hungover.

The next night, I went out with one of her friends. The birthday girl stayed home because she needed a night off from drinking. Wuss. We went to a pub to meet up with a large group of travelers. Pints were about £2 each which is very cheap for London. I drank a lot until the place closed at 11pm. One of the guys was a member at an after hours club. He was able to get us all in. I do not remember much once there. I was glad I had her friend with me to get me back to where I was staying. I can not imagine trying to navigate London’s bus system drunk.

I woke up the next day to get ready for a flight to Amsterdam. Then I realized my travel purse was missing. My travel purse with my money, credit cards, and passport. I felt like an idiot. I felt lost. I was scared. I missed my flight but was glad it was with a discount airline. I maybe lost only $40.  I used my friend’s computer to try to look up getting a new passport from the US Embassy. It was Sunday so I would have to wait until the next day and it would still take a few days.  Did I just ruin my whole trip?

I called and left a message with the club. I felt it was useless. I did not know when they would open. I sat around my friend’s house crying and regretting the night. I should have stayed in with her. She tried to cheer me up. She offered me some of her good wine. Finally around 5pm, she received a phone call from the club. They had my purse! Everything was in it.

I booked a new flight for early the next day. I only missed out on 1 day of the trip! I was still able to see the few things I wanted to see in Amsterdam and visit friends in other Dutch cities. I did not lose my passport again the rest of the trip.

But I did make more drunk mistakes.

Hunting for a chip

Posted in 30-60 days by

I went to another meeting today. My 3rd meeting since my 30 days of sobriety. My 3rd meeting that they did not give out chips. Well, tonight they did give one chip to a guy that had 90 days. I guess they give chips only to home members. Is this like apartment hunting to find a home? I feel like maybe I will get my 30 day chip by my 45th day.

There was a speaker in the meeting. I was very sleepy. I did not get much out of this one. It was 90% men which is different compared to most meeting I have gone to. I guess I will keep hunting.

My cyber chip:
image

Mistake #25- About a year and half ago, I went to a street fair. It was the kind of event where they close off the streets in a neighborhood for people to sell arts, crafts, and food. At each intersection, there was a stage set up for bands. Beer was sold near the stages.

I went alone but ran into a friend of mine. I’ve known him a few years from festivals and parties. He is very good looking. He was dating one of my friends when we first met but they broke up a year before this. He started seeing another girl at this point but he rarely brought her around to parties. I did not really know her.

We met up at a band he recommended. We started drinking beers. He knew a guy that worked one of the beer stands so we were getting a few freebies. We walked around to see other bands and to meet up with various people he knew. We grabbed beer every chance possible. I would get two just for me to avoid having to wait in line so much.

We went to dinner at a Mexican place. We started to drink margaritas. We were on our third when another band was supposed to start. The restaurant let us put the margaritas in plastic cups to take with us. Since the band was playing nearby, I kept going back to buy us more margaritas throughout the show. They made me buy the organic ones in order to get them as “take away” since they really weren’t supposed to be selling them that way. They were about $15 each. Expensive drinks! Next day I had 3 receipts of two drinks each. With tip, $100 on 6 drinks!

I don’t remember much of the shows. I took a lot of photos. Afterwards, my friend wanted to call it a night. He stopped drinking so he would be able to drive me home. I wanted to keep partying. I never wanted a good night to end. So I talked him into walking to a nearby gay club. He joked that he has never been to one but would go since I could protect him. I drank rum and diet cokes in the club. I think I danced. I do not remember much of the club.

The next morning, I woke up in his van parked along a street. I have never seen his van before but saw his work equipment in the back and assumed it was his. I texted him “I guess I am in your van? I need to pee.” I have never been to his house before either so did not know which one he lived in. I decided I couldn’t wait. It was about 6:30am on a Sunday. I opened the door,looked around to see if any people were outside, pulled down my pants, squatted by the curb, and peed. Then climbed back into the van to go back to sleep. About 10 minutes later, he knocked on the van door to wake me up. He said he tried to carry me in the night before but I refused. He said I insisted on sleeping in the van. He brought me inside and offered me the toilet. I was too embarrassed to tell him I took care of business already. He invited me to sleep in his bed. It felt so much better than the van seat!

A few hours later, I was woken up by his phone ringing. He answered it and went to the other room to talk. I pretended I was still sleeping. I overheard him telling his new girlfriend how I got wasted, took him to a gay club, and then I started propositioning him. He told her things I said to try to persuade him to have sex with me. He resisted my drunk seduction. I was mortified.

I kept pretending to be asleep when he came in to wake me up after ending the call. He said he had to give me a ride home so he could get stuff done. He gave me my bag. I did the “day after drunk” check. Keys, yes. Wallet, yes. Credit card, no. He said I must have left it at the gay club since I started a tab. Camera, no. All the fun photos of the street fair were gone. I went to the gay club when it opened up that evening and recovered my credit card but never found the camera again. The camera was a month old.

To this day, I do not feel comfortable around his girlfriend. She is super sweet and I think they are so great together. I just can not help but feel she must think of me as the drunk slut that tried getting with her man.