Google myself

I tried to Google my blog. I typed “365reasons” and the first 4 things that popped are were “365 reasons i love you”, “365 reasons i love my boyfriend”, “365 reasons i love her”, and “365 reasons to drink.”

Love, love, love and alcohol. It is what is on everyone wants.

I went and clicked on the 4th option. I found it depressing. The top story was 365 Excuses to Get Drunk. As if people need an excuse? It was depressing that there is a whole magazine and website dedicated to, not just drinking, but “standing up for your right to get falling down drunk since 1996.” I actually might have read the magazine? I think I found a copy of it in a bar and that was where I discovered the term alcoheimers. Man, I was not just an alcoholic. I was a DEDICATED alcoholic. I am surprised I did not get a subscription to the magazine. I guess the closest I ever came to a drunk subscription was a wine club. They sent me cases every few months. The magazine would have been cheaper.

A bit further down, I found a link to an app on a Smartphone for drinking: 365 Reasons to Drink. I wonder if I can get someone to create an app after I complete my year of daily blogs. But my app would be a personal one with my mistakes. Everyday it will beep with my sobriety count and instead of some daily reflection, it will say “remember the time you passed out on the street in Brooklyn” or another drunk mistake.

Crazy that when I went back and added “not” to the front of the word “drink” in the Google search, my blog came up. I guess that is a good thing!

I am not beating myself up over my past and my drunk mistakes. I am realizing how far I have come. I watched Rum Diary tonight. And even though Johnny Depp’s character is an alcoholic and there is a lot of my old favorite liquor in the movie, I did not desire any rum. Instead I thought about booking a flight to Puerto Rico where the movie takes place. I even started to look up volunteer opportunities there. (Let me know of any volunteer jobs or companies you would recommend.)

A friend that I had dinner with a couple weeks ago emailed me and said he plans to quit drinking. He has a sobriety date set up for his birthday in a few weeks from now. He said he plans to pick up as much overtime at work to avoid the temptation. He said that helped when he quit smoking. He wants more tips from me. I need to plan a night next week to have dinner with him again.

(I have been very bad with reading other sober blogs lately. I am not being selfish. It has been time consuming to write my daily blog on top of work, school work, and my travels. But I was just reading through some and found this post about Sober and Awkward. Her rock bottom was a car wreck. She hit another car head on. She just got sentenced to 6 months in jail. I cried. I cried for her and for thinking “that could have been me!” I now feel selfish.)

Mistake 142- Many years ago, when I was still new to drinking but already blacking out and making mistakes, I went to a party at my friend’s house. Her housemates were away for the weekend. I remember she regretted the party because of lot of stuff got ruined. Drunk guys threw furniture into the pool and over into a canyon. People were having sex in her roommates bed that was off limits.

I had sex in the bathroom. I barely remember someone trying to open the door on us. I remember she was so mad at me. Our friends were mad at me also. I can’t remember now, but I think either the guy had a girlfriend or one of my friends liked him.

I helped her clean up the next day. I kept apologizing. 20 years later, she laughs it off as “we were dumb and in college!” When college kids do crazy things like that, it is seen as normal.

School vs Sobriety

Now I understand! All those times my friends went back to school and did not have much time for a social life, I understand! When they said “I have to study” or “I have a paper to write”, I know why they weren’t complete in an hour or so. This stuff takes concentration and time! It is a struggle. Especially trying to do everything else in life and school work.

It reminds me of my sobriety. Takes time and not always easy.

I am happy I have started this journey back to school much like I am happy I have started the journey to sobriety.  But I also see how people might not comprehend what an effort this is. I have to be disciplined in both my studies and sobriety. I have to just say no to a beer or a movie. I need to move away from people trying to converse while I am trying to read much like I need to move away from someone who keeps offering me booze.

Both will have good outcomes.
Damn it… I now want a sobriety report card. I have gotten A’s for 4 months. I want the 6 month sobriety honor roll!

Mistake 141- Yesterday I mentioned I promised the guy I was staying with I would not have drunk sex in his house anymore. Well another night, I thought I was alone. I thought the guy that lived there was at work. I invited a male friend over late while I was drunk. We had sex on the couch. After he left, I heard the toilet flush upstairs. The guy was not at work. He was sleeping but woke up to hearing sex noises downstairs.

We never mentioned it. I broke my promise. I moved out of there soon because I was able to move back home and start my job. I somehow convinced the alcohol counselor that I did not have a drinking problem so she gave me the green light to work. I never talked to the guy that owned that house again.

Sober First Class

First my flight was delayed. Then they changed the airlines. But it was changed to a direct flight rather than having a connection. I would actually arrive an hour earlier. I thought that sounded too good.

Then, as boarding, they tell me my seat had to be changed to balance out the plane. I walked onto the flight with a pissed off attitude. When checking in, I picked a seat in the back of the plane, in a row of three, and I was supposed to be the only passenger in it. I better not have been moved to a full row!

Nope. I was moved to Economy Plus for free. I got upgraded to the seats with more legroom. I had one person in my row, but I guess I shouldn’t complain since I could stretch more. Awww the perks of having a frequent flyer membership! I got settled. Took off my shoes. Started reading. Then a flight attendant brings me a new ticket. “Seat 2f” she says. I thank her and stare at it confused. Is this for my return flight?

“Go to First Class please.”

Woot! Yea! First class baby! I grabbed my stuff, shoved my feet into my shoes, and shuffled to the front without even tying my laces. This should be an awesome flight!
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Then why do I keep feeling dread? Like too many good things just happened. Like I am at the top of the roller coaster and I know the scary, downhill part is next. It is not even like I won the lottery or received some amazing life news. I got a better flight and a better seat on a plane. Am I just used to disappointment? Like I feel it is expected.

Since I got to my seat late, the attendant asked if I wanted a cup of water. She did not have time to get me anything else. THANK YOU! No way to tempt me with free booze. “Yes water would be lovely.” Now let’s see how I handle the next 6 hours. “Do you have O’Douls?”

… (an hour later) The woman next to me had white wine.  I could smell it.  It smelled like cheap wine.  Chardonnay?  Then the attendant asked if I wanted wine with my meal.  No thanks.  I really have no desire. And it feels awesome to not have that desire.

… (two hours later) She has had 4 glasses.  They are small.  She is now asleep. I keep smelling the unfinished wine that is sitting on our shared console. I am reading but I keep getting distracted by the scent.  It smells good now.  Cheap or not. But… I can’t remember what it tastes like.  I am enjoying the scent and I don’t REALLY want to sip it. No. Does one want to sip poison even if you enjoy the smell?  I do not want to taste the wine nor taste the guilt that would follow.

We got dessert. A nice ice cream sundae. That is better than cheap wine!

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Then I napped. I woke up to a beautiful sunset out my window.
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I checked my phone after landing. Had a few messages from bloggers. A few wanted advice to quit drinking. It reaffirmed my decision to not have free cheap wine!

*This blog was actually written at the beginning of my trip and before dealing with my unsupportive friends.

Mistake 140- After my first DUI and I had to stay on a friend of a friend’s couch, I mentioned that I made many mistakes. Let me try to remember them all because I did not write them in my journal from back then. (All my journal entries from back then were just very depressing thoughts.)

The friend I was staying with was a gay guy in the Navy and he had a lot of other gay friends stay over a bunch. I think there was one couch and if someone was staying on it, I got the floor. I was not really a friend anyways. He was doing our mutual friend a favor by letting me stay. Maybe there were two couches?

I remember one night, I brought a guy back to the house. I knew this guy already. So he wasn’t some stranger I picked up in the club that night. But I was very trashed and we had sex on the living room on the floor. With a gay guy on the couch! He started to stop me and say we shouldn’t cause someone else was there but he says I said “it’s okay. He is gay.”

Drunk logic?

The guy that owned the house was very angry. I spent the next week trying to avoid him and the other guys that always stayed over. I kept apologizing via emails. Finally, he cooled down enough just to promise me I would never do that again. I promised. But alcoholics do not always keep their promises.

Unsupportive Friends

I am staying with my good friends P and C this weekend. They just happen to be the last people with whom I got drunk. I was nervous about being sober around them. I was worried about their reaction. And I am now starting to wonder if these are two friends I might have to let slip away.

The first hour or two, there was no mention of my sobriety. I started asking them about their house hunting. Then we talked about my living situation and job. We talked about some events in our lives the past few months.  We talked about my family. I was happy that they did not offer me any of the wine they were drinking. But they didn’t offer me anything to drink. I couldn’t help but feel everything seemed awkward.

After a while of offers of nothing, I got up to get myself some water. Then I sat down to continue the conversation. When my glass was empty, he jumped up to offer to refill it. He kept asking if I wanted lemon or grapefruit squeezed in it. They have a soda water machine if I wanted bubbles. I said no thanks but he insisted on lemon. I guess plain water was too strange.

We talked a few more hours and avoided the talk of my sobriety. Then I mentioned that my reunion is at a brewery. I said that is gonna suck. “Oh yea, cause you aren’t drinking?” Yep. I quit. He squirmed and changed the subject.

Later, after she went to bed, it came up again. This time I mentioned I have been sober more than 4 months. He didn’t seem impressed. I said “actually my last drink was with you guys.” I did not hear a “way to go.” No “congratulations”. It seemed like he was mourning. Like that uncomfortable feeling you get when someone says their grandmom died and you do not know what their relationship to their grandmom was like. How should you react?

I tried to tell him how great I felt. How happy I am. I said I was sad that I haven’t lost weight.

“Booze doesn’t affect your weight. Diet and exercise do.” Really? Booze is not included in diet? He told me how he lost weight by cutting out carbs. Isn’t alcohol liquid carbs? He said their diet is 60% veggies and it helps keep them thin. They also eat a lot of fruit. But they also drink a lot. I guess he is thinking of hops and barley as veggies and grape wine as fruit.

I told him my thoughts of going for a degree in psychology. He asked what would I do with that. I said “maybe become a therapists for alcoholics”.
“That is a lost cause.”
I could not believe he said that. He started to say that alcoholics will never change. I said “I DID!” He responded “but that is you. You are different. You have the strength.”
I was fuming. Then I said I have thought of specializing in pregnant women with addictions.  He laughed. “Oh that is really a lost cause!” He said those people don’t want help. I wanted to punch him.

That was when I realized he is not gonna be a supportive friend. This might be my last time I go out of my way to visit them.

It made me want to crawl back in a shell. This is what a lot of society thinks of alcoholics. Do my friends think I am different cause I wasn’t on skid row?

He told me he has been trying to get his wife to cut back. And maybe he will cut back too. Just for his liver. The way he talked about it, I realized he thinks I cut back. He thinks I am moderating now. I can’t think of exactly what he said but it hinted that he thinks I will start drinking again. This is one of my “drinking breaks” with which they are so familiar.

I showed him the photo of my sundae from my first class flight. He said “that would go better with a glass of free champagne.”

Maybe I don’t have as much in common with them as I thought? Maybe boozing was our common thread? I was their maid-of-honor! Maybe in 10 years when they talk about their wedding, they will mention they lost touch with their maid-of-honor because she stopped drinking.

Now I am sitting here in their living room drinking coffee. She went to work. I woke up at 7:30 when she was getting ready. I think she was shocked. Usually I am hungover when I stay here. She told me to wake up P if he is not out of bed in an hour. I kept putting off taking a shower to avoid making him late for work. It is now 2 hours later. The alarm has been going off forever. He keeps hitting snooze. I took a shower. I have to go through their bedroom to get to the bathroom. I purposefully made noise. It didn’t wake him. Maybe if he wasn’t drinking wine until 2am, he would have no problem waking up. I feel waking him up is a lost cause.

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Mistake 136- When they asked me to be maid-of-honor, they also smiled and said “guess who is the best man!” I guess correctly. He is a good-looking guy that P has been forever hinting he wants me to get with. I once asked him “that guy is a playboy! Why do you want us together? He is not the relationship type.” P agreed but said he thinks we could have fun together. So when they giggled about making me and Playboy their witnesses, I felt they were hoping we would hook up.

And during the wedding rehearsal, Playboy started the charm. “You smell nice.” “You look great.” “Your legs look amazing in that skirt.” I accepted the compliments but thought to myself “No way! I am not falling for your lines.” A year before this, he bragged to me about all the young European girls he banged. Now he is trying to seduce me? He opened doors for me the rest of the evening and held the small of my back as I walked past him.

We had a great rehearsal dinner. The couple showed a video they had made of their relationship. When a photo popped up that had me and the best man with them, P nudged me.

I drank a lot of wine at the dinner. Then I took a few of the bridesmaids to get our nails done. I should not have been driving. One of them even made a comment. I even hit a small curb with my rental car.

I was staying in the same hotel as Playboy and a few of the groomsmen. We all decided to take the groom out for drinks while the bride did a few last-minute things with her family. I was not driving this time. So I drank a lot more.

Back at the hotel, the guys he was sharing a room with wanted to go to sleep early. We had a wedding the next day! Playboy asked about continuing drinking in my room. A wife of a groomsman joined us. We had fun. My mini-fridge was stocked with beer.  I kept saying I need to get to bed. I was meeting the bride early the next day for our hair.

Soon it was just me and Playboy in the room. And his charms worked on drunk me. We had sex. But I remember I was at least coherent enough to insist he use a condom. He tried to tell me he is “good” and doesn’t need one. I busted out laughing and reminding him he once confessed to me how he “bangs” a lot of girls.

I was late for the hair appointment. I was hungover. But I drank mimosas to clear that up. I told the bride what happened and she laughed. When I told her he tried to not use a condom, she said “ew!” When the groom found out, he seemed please.

I felt a little uncomfortable around Playboy the next day. We acted like nothing happened. I remember hoarding some anger at myself for sleeping with him. I let myself down.

Online classes vs Blogging

I started my online classes. I regret already taking two. It is a lot of reading, online discussions, and writing papers. I have never done an online course before so this is a bit scary.  Maybe I should have started with one. Like starting sobriety. Don’t rush into it all at once.

But I also feel this is a nice introduction to going back to school in the fall 2015.  It was just a dumb idea to schedule a camping trip the first week of classes. It is only a 6 week semester so it is a lot of work (and double that for two classes) crammed into a month. I hope to keep up with my blog during this time.

At least I know I will stay sober. No time to drink nor think of drinking! I will be drunk on art history and religious studies until July!

Mistake 131- I was at a frat party. I had a crush on a guy there. I think he knew it. He was an asshole but I liked his pretty, blue eyes. And I was 19 and naive. My lack of self-esteem made the recipe worse.

I got drunk on cheap beers and Zima. I remember looking at him, smiling, and he said “nice shoes. Want to fuck?”

I giggled. I thought that was so funny. “Sure.”

We went out to his Ford Explorer. It was the one that used to get me excited when I saw it parked outside of the frat house. We had sex in the back of it. Afterwards, as we walked back to the house, he laughed. He said a homeless guy stood outside the window the whole time watching.

He ignored me the rest of the party.

Survived a Festival Sober!

I made it home from the festival without drinking alcohol! It wasn’t that difficult. There were only a few times that I craved an alcoholic beverage. Like when standing in line for breakfast and someone offered me a Bloody Mary. Or when I saw some bottles of champagne, I fancied a mimosa. But I found it easy to turn down beer and shots. Even the wine did not look appealing.

I cried a few tears of happiness while driving home. I did it! I survived and even had some fun. It was a huge accomplishment. I prove I do not break out in alcoholic hives just being around booze. I need to actually ingest that crap for it to mess me up.

The hardest part was meeting people. But my friends’ friends were very friendly and accepting. They kept offering me food and juice. A few guys talked to me but I did not think to ask for names or numbers. I had no game and acted shy.

Watching drunk people make fools of themselves was helpful. I watched people falling over or being loud and obnoxious. I kept thinking “thank god I am not one of them!” The last night, my friends found a strange guy passed out in their camp. Everyone kept giggling about the sleeping stranger. They let him sleep. I said something about having been the “sleeping stranger” many times. I usually spent my last night at festivals drinking a lot and waking up anywhere. I was happy not to be target of their mocking.

I did approach W, the guy I mentioned in my mistake yesterday. I saw him cutting across a field ahead of me. In my alcoholic, selfish mind, I thought he was doing that to avoid me. “He must have saw me walking down the road so trying to rush ahead!” I called his name he turned around, looked at me, and slowly said my name with a doubtful tone. When I acknowledge it was me, we hugged.

I started with “I owe you and apology” and he responded “no, I owe you an apology.” I was not expecting that. He started to explain there were problems with his family that last weekend we saw each other that he couldn’t explain. There was miscommunication between us. He doesn’t know what went wrong and he wished things did not end bad like they did. I told him that he did not deserve the nasty, drunk email I sent. I said I was sorry for the things I said. We agreed to be friends again. It was all short and quick.

I felt better after I walked away. I felt it lifted some guilt of my drunken bevaviour from the past. But I did not mention the drunk night nor when he asked my friend if I was an alcoholic. I did not tell him he was right about that. I did not get a chance to tell him I quit drinking nor that I was 4 months sober. Then I thought 4 months does not seem like much compared to my twenty years of drinking. Maybe the next time I run into him, I will have a longer milestone to share with him.

Mistake 125- I had a guy friend that I used to like a lot. We met at a festival. I saw him again a year later and he looked really good. He quit drinking and lost weight. He and I spent some time together at this event and I developed a crush on him. After the festival, I went out of my way to visit him. We spent a few great days together filled with conversation and sex.

A year later, I was living in his area. He started to act like an asshole and not the sweet guy I thought he was. We had sex a few times because I still had feelings for him. But he always acted like a jerk afterwards. He was demeaning and said things to make me feel stupid. I started to avoid him.

One night, while drunk, I confessed my feelings for him to a mutual friend. The next morning, she asked me of I knew about his STD. What? No! He never told me! She told me he has herpes. She even showed me an email where he confessed to her.

I was mad because he and I talked about STDs. We talked about being tested and we were lucky to be clean. He never mentioned herpes. I felt he lied. I brought up STD testing the next time I saw him. He texted me 3 days later to say he got tested again and was clean. I responded “including herpes?”.
No response.

I stopped talking to him for a few months. I avoided him at parties. Then I finally decided we could at least be friends. His lying, on top of degrading behaviour, cured my crush. A year later, I got blood tested for herpes and was clean. Then last summer, he asked me to share a hotel together after a festival to save money. Sounded okay to me.

It was going okay. We had separate beds. We met up with other friends that were staying at the hotel. I ignored his derogatory remarks. Then I spent a day at the hotel pool sipping cocktails. (He quit drinking 3 years before this.) I got drunk. That evening in the hotel room, I was drinking some more, and watching a movie. Not sure how or what happened, but I ended up having sex with the friend.

The next day, I was so disgusted with myself. I swore I would not have done that again. I did not find him attractive anymore. I thought he was a conniving creep now. But I was blacked out. I got drunk and vulnerable. I put my health at risk. And as usual, he was a jerk the next day. He left the hotel without saying bye.

I texted him later bitching at him. He was a recovering alcoholic and took advantage of me when I was drunk. He never responded.

I know I will still encounter lying jerks in sobriety. I just want to develop the self-confidence to know when to chose not to keep them in my life.

Boozing and Backpacking

I saw a thread floating around on Facebook about traveling backpackers. I laughed. A lot of that pertains to me. I miss traveling.

But the bits about drinking got me wondering if traveling sober well be difficult for me.  It is easy to tell myself “you will save so much money without drinking” but bars do tend to be a natural habitat for backpackers. I used to pick out places to eat in the backpacker areas based on the drink specials. I avoided hostels that did not allow alcohol consumption. If a hostel sold beers, I sometimes had the highest tab by the end of the night. I spent one Christmas Eve getting drunk at an elephant camp in Thailand with other travelers and the guide was shocked that I drank more beers than anyone. Even the German guys.  Beer really was cheapest beverage in some countries. That was my excuse when I kept getting drunk in Czech Republic.

I need to remind myself of the times I put my life at risk by getting drunk in other countries. The times I got lost or went home with strangers. The times I lost my wallet or passport. The time I almost got arrested in Mexico or ran nude in Muslim countries. I never drove drunk in other countries because I rarely drove in other countries. (Though once I drove from Tijuana to San Diego after a lot of tequila shots for lunch. I was so worried the border patrol guard would smell my breath but he was more concerned I wasn’t smuggling people.)

 

in a bar in Istanbul

in a bar in Istanbul

I have a trip planned in August to Portugal. I am a little nervous. It is my birthday gift to myself. I am already planning to spend the day at art museums and then a nice dinner. As of now, I will be spending it alone. I keep skipping the parts of my guide book that mention clubs and bars. In the past, I would go to bars alone in strange cities. I would sit and observe. And drink. I am hoping I will be able to stay strong and sober while traveling.

Mistake 119- I was staying at a hostel in Melbourne, Australia. I bought a bottle of abstinthe that day. I was so excited because it was still illegal in the United States. I remember I did not know how to drink it properly. I was mixing it with juice and some Gatorade type of drink. I got trashed on it by myself. I met a cute Swedish guy somewhere in the hostel. Either in the kitchen or common area. For some reason, I think it might have been by the soda machine. I don’t remember much except we ended up having sex in his dorm room. We were on the top bunk. He had 3 upset roommates. I told some friends about it the next day and everyone said “that is dorm life!” I spent the rest of my stay wondering if any guys giving me strange looks were his dormmates. Never talked to the guy again.

 

 

 

 

Mothers Day

Happy Mother’s day too all moms living in countries where it is celebrated today. I spent last Monday with my mom to celebrate because I am working this weekend. I also think of this day as a day I am thankful I am not a mom. 

Mistake 110- I was staying at my sister’s house for a few months. My mom spent weeknights there. I went out one night to meet up with a friend that was visiting the city. We met at a pub. He had a friend traveling with him.  We all got drunk. I ended up bringing his friend back to the house. I do not remember much but we had sex in the kitchen. The room my mom stayed in was right above the kitchen. I remember my mom yelling my name down the steps from upstairs. He and I stopped, or maybe we were already done, and I yelled up it was me and just having some drinks with a friend. She went back to bed. I have no idea if she knew what was going on. He and I slept on the couch so she knew it was a male friend when she left for work in the morning.

This sounds like some teenage or college antic. I was 32 or 33 years old. It always seemed more shameful thinking my mom might have known about my drunken defects.  

Pompous Octopus

I had a friend that made a post on Facebook about the 10 year anniversary of his company. I would not have even noticed it if he did not tag me in it. I turned off following his profile because of his narcissism. I was also very annoyed with the last time we met up.

I had to visit his city last autumn. I was on a “drinking break” but not attempting sobriety yet. I asked if I could stay with him. He told me his roommate might be having someone stay on the couch but I am welcomed to share his bed. I saw no problem with that arrangement. We have known each other a long time and used to have casual sex back in the day. But that was ten years ago. I did not want to have sex with him on this visit or ever again. In fact, I never planned to have sex with him back in the day. It was always drunk sex. I used to always describe him as pompous but a fun drinking buddy. Unfortunately, meeting at the pub usually lead to waking up with him in my bed. I always regretted it but kept drinking with him.

During this last visit, we meet up at a bar. He was slightly drunk. He introduced me to some other drunk friends. I managed to drink my diet Cokes and felt proud I was not drinking beers with them. I told everyone I was not drinking for 2 months to prove to myself I could do it. (These past 106 sober days would have seemed impossible at that time.) But I was tired so we eventually said farewell to his bar buddies (that he just met) and I followed him to his place in my rental car. He insisted he was okay to drive and he got home fine. We walked into his apartment and his roommate was sitting on the couch. She was alone. She did not have someone staying on the couch like he said. That should have been a warning flag. After brief introduction, I went to the bedroom and to the bed that I was to share to sleep.

I did not sleep well that night. He spent the whole night touching me. He kept his hand on my butt or trying to wrap his arms around me.THANK GOD I was sober. I dozed a little but was unable to completely sleep because I was not sure where his hands would go next. I should have said something but I was tired. I should have got up and left but I did not have money for a hotel. I did not want to upset him but I was mad. Did he make up that story about his roommate’s friend on the couch to get me into his bed?

I woke up the morning and left for my meeting. I got to the meeting early so I could nap in the car in the parking lot. After my meeting, I texted my ex-boyfriend to see if I could stay with him that night. I should have stayed with him in the first place but I was worried that would be too hard. I still had feelings for him. I thought it would be easier to stay with the friend with the roaming hands. But I did not want to fight Mr Octopus again. The Ex welcomed me into his place and I gave some excuse to Pompous Octopus. I have not seen him since.

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

In this tag on Facebook, he commented that summer he started his company, he refers to as the “Summer of Sin”. He credited me and another friend as the reasons. I felt nauseous. I do not want to be memorialized by him for intoxicated intercourse. I do not want to be memorialized for sex I can not remember. Did we really have that much drunk sex for him to think about me when thinking of a whole summer? It makes me sick and sad. I want to be known for my accomplishments and personality. Not my blackouts and debauchery.

I met up with Pompous Octopus in 2008 in another city. It was Christmas weekend. I had some friends staying with me and we took two cars to a bar near him. It was a thirty minute drive. We all had fun. I did not drink much because I was driving. (It was still close enough after my 2nd DUI for me to be a responsible driver.) I invited Pompous to come to Christmas dinner with us the next night at a friend’s house. I explained there would be people from all over the world at the dinner. He accepted the invitation and asked about coming back to my place with us that night. Since my living was full of my friends, I told him he could share my bed. Then he had roaming hands that night. I was mad because I spent the whole evening talking about my new boyfriend. He knew I was dating someone but still thought he had a chance with me. The next morning, he asked if I could give him a ride to his place, an hour away, so he could change his clothes. Once we got there, he changed his mind and said he was going to skip dinner and stay home. Again, I was mad. He never wanted to join us for dinner. He just wanted to get in my bed. He never offered me gas money either.

Thinking back on all of this, I wonder why I stay friends with him. Why do I stay friends with a lot of people?

Mistake # 106- All and any times I had drunk sex with him. I was not attracted to him when sober. We became friends because we both like to get drunk and lived near each other. I do not blame him for the drunk sex. I just do not know why I kept hanging out with a guy when I kept repeating the same regrets.

Getting Over Being Lonely

The other day I wrote about how it sucks to be sober and single. It is hard to meet anyone even though I know that I should not be focusing my energy on meeting someone. I need to be vigilant about my sobriety and do not need a boy (or girl) messing that up. But I have been lonely the past three months. And honestly, it is more about being horny than wanting companionship.fuck buddy

Makes me realize there have been times where I wanted to be with someone and I drank to get the courage to make a move. Or if they shot me down, “I was drunk” was my excuse for being so foolish. Not all of my one-night stands were drunken mistakes. With my low self-image, I felt like I accomplished something if a drunk person I wanted slept with me. I have had some boyfriends complain that I had to get drunk to have sex. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian.

I have an ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for a year and half, and I got him drunk the first night we had sex. We started the night sharing a bottle of wine, which was actually the two of us chugging it while waiting in line for a concert. Once inside, I kept buying two beers in the beer line with the excuse it was to save time. He did not have much money because he was traveling. I encouraged him to drink some of my two cups. I do not remember when our first kiss was and the first sex that night was lousy. I thought it was going to be one night but then we started traveling together and it turned into a relationship. But I always questions his TRUE feelings for me and said “if I did not get you drunk that first night, we would never be together!” It is not a good way to start a loving, commitment.

To solve my “dating” sober problem, I asked a friend for help. Isn’t part of recovery reaching out and asking for help?

I texted him: “Trying to figure out how to ask this and if you say no, no problem. But I am finding trying to date sober sucks. Would it ever be okay to come visit for a booty call?”

I did not realize he did not have my phone number saved in his phone. Thankfully he guessed who it was. I responded that it is a good thing he doesn’t have many sober friends. He did not think I was serious. When I assured him I was, he said I can visit whenever for what any reason.

But his best response was “you’re not giving up on sobriety, are you?” That made me so happy. It made me think he is more concerned for my sobriety than getting laid. That is a good friend. A good friend with benefits! He can be my temporary playtoy. My sex sponsor.

I am just really nervous how this is going to work sober. I have had “fuck buddies” in the past but alcohol was always involved. Sober sex? I guess I need to learn to get used to a lot of activities in a sober state. Sober dancing. Sober concerts. Sober knitting.

Just kidding. I do not know how to knit. But maybe I can learn.

Mistake # 104- I lost my purse with my wallet and a nice jacket from London, but not my phone. I was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. I do not remember if the night started out with friends but I know I was in the bar alone when kicked out. Since I had no wallet, I could not pay for a taxi. I drunk texted a few friends asking for a ride. One guy offered to come pick me up to take me home. Then another friend offered me a ride. I replied “it’s okay, a fuck friend is picking me up.” But I accidentally sent the text to the friend that was picking me up. He wrote back “I hope that is not how you think of me.”

I waited for him, sitting on the sidewalk, with my back leaning against the wall. I jumped up when his car pulled up and ran to his car. I apologized for the drunk text and thanked him for picking me up. Then I drunkenly explained we were two friends that had casual sex so we sort of were “fuck friends.” Our friendship fizzled out after that night.

No more drunk texts is one of my favorite sober benefits.