Tag Archives: diet

New Mug and Sober Triggers

Posted in 90- 120 days by

My mom came to visit yesterday. She brought me this gift: Purple Flower Mug

(In case you can not read the picture, the mug says “The Best Things in Life are the people we love, the places we’ve been  and the memories we’ve made along the way.”)

It is a large mug and she knows I like large mugs. Plus she knows I like purple. But the message was the best part for me. Having memories is so much better than blackouts!  And I have a new mug for all my herbal teas.

The visit was nice. She again asked how the “not drinking thing” is going and how I feel. I sometimes worry I talk too much about my sobriety with her but I like having her as an outlet. I can not discuss it at work and my friends on Facebook still seem uncomfortable with it.

The only thing she said that annoyed me was “It is a shame. That is what people do. Meet out for drinks.” I told her I can still go out and I am even willing to go to places with alcohol. I will just order water with lemon. I have to just keep reminding myself I can not drink just like her boyfriend, who is diabetic, has to avoid certain foods. Or anyone with an allergy has to avoid certain things.

I kept trying to share with her some of my drunk stories to stress to her how much I drank. When we used to share a bottle of wine, she would have a glass and I would drink the rest. She seems to block out the times I spent at her house sleeping all day after being up all night emptying her wine rack. She always thought of my DUIs as unfortunate mistakes. Maybe she is worried if she admits I have a problem, it is somehow her fault?

I am realizing that when I do finally get around to working on the 12 steps, I really need to make amends to her even if she does not recognize it. “Sorry mom for all those times you were worried when I was out drinking. Sorry for making you drive 6 hours away to bail me out of jail. Sorry for you returning to that city for my court date.  Sorry for all I put you through.”

After she left, I went to the grocery store. I was stocking up on veggies and ingredients for salads. I am determined to drop weight in the next month. I have a reunion June 7. I also bought some unsweetened tea and large gallon of water. I am going to put lemon, lime, mint, and cucumbers in the jug of water. Then I am gonna drink at least half of it each day. Keep refilling it. Hope it helps.

I walked past the beer section in the store. I glanced at some summer ale. For a brief second, I thought “I could just stop. I could just give up this sober thing. I could always try again later.” But I kept walking. I thought I worked too hard to stop now. This “sobriety thing” needs to be a forward thing. No backpedaling. No breaks. I do not want to think of the self-loathing that would follow if I drank that beer.

I picked up my last item but the sober-drink battle kept floating in my brain. It was not really a battle. Just a lingering thought. Just images of me sitting in bars. Just one drink in my hand.

Then a man passed me. He was wearing a hat from a university I used to want to attend. A university in a city that I was planning to move to until plans changed in January. That was when I found out I could not get the job I wanted because of my two DUIs. They said it did not matter how long ago the DUIs were. My plans for the job and moving there were canceled. That was when I decided to get sober. And seeing his hat was a reminder of why I quit drinking alcohol. It triggered me back to happy, sober land. I do not want anymore plans changed or futures ruined from my drunk mistakes. I am gonna keep being sober and even if my life does not become perfect, it will be a hell of a lot better than where it was going. I actually want to be alive.

Now I am gonna enjoy some mint tea.

Mistake # 105- I graduated college. My mom came to my graduation with my sister and nephew who was a baby. They stayed at a hotel. I joined them to stay in the room one night. My sister and I waited until my mom and the baby fell asleep. Then we snuck out of the hotel. I wanted to celebrate! Two women in their mid-twenties sneaking out like teenagers.

We went down to some bars that were walking distance. (I had a restricted driver license because this was after my first DUI.) We got drunk. We met some guys. They tried to invite us back to their place. We declined because we knew our mom would be too upset if we were not back by morning. We stumbled in the hotel room after last call at 2am. We tried to be quiet but for some reason, drunk people sound like elephants even when tip toeing. We woke my mom and she just warned us not the wake the baby. We slept in until the afternoon the next day while she took the baby out for breakfast and shopping. My sister and I got drunk again that night. Maybe the birth of my nephew distracted my mom from me and my sister’s alcoholism.

One diet at a time

Posted in 60-90 days by

I broke the vegetarian part of my diet already. Someone brought a beautiful ham into work last night to share with the staff for Easter. There were also platters of fruit, meats and cheeses,  and lots of cakes and desserts. I managed to avoid the desserts and fruits (first two weeks of South Beach, no fruits.) But I had a few cubes of cheese and pieces of salami and pepperoni.  (I never said I was cutting out salt in this diet.)

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But I can say “at least I am still sober.” It feels when I have small setbacks like this in personal goals, I am okay as long as I do not drink. I will not make my goal of “10 push ups by 90 days sobriety.” (Tomorrow.) That is okay. I have not lost weight since I quit drinking three months ago. That is okay. Plans I had for dates have failed lately. That is okay.

I want to scream “I AM STILL SOBER!” I want an Oprah-style scream of “she is SOOOOBBBBBERRRRRR!” I want an audience clapping as I walk onto a stage. Damnit, I want Oprah to give me a new car for remaining sober.
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Well, maybe I will wait for a year of sobriety before she gives me gifts.

I think hoping dieting will be easier sober. I used to break diets all the time while drunk or hungover. A whole pizza to myself? Sure! Fast food drive-thru window? The grease will soak up my booze.

Now I need to start slapping the coworkers that bring in candy to share. I will not get jaundice from liver damage but I might turn orange from all the carrots I will be snacking on.

Mistake # 89 – I was sober “62-63 days” after my second DUI. I went to daily AA meetings during the time. After my court date, I decided I could drink again. I just needed to moderate and plan things better. Such as, plan a way to not drive if I planned to drink.

I started having a few glasses of wine at my moms. I did not get drunk those first few times. I took that as proof I did not have a problem. Then I got invited to a pool party for Memorial weekend. I asked my friend if I could spend the night to avoid driving. He said no problem.

Since the fear of a DUI was out of the way, I drank a lot. I did not even try to control it. It was more fun when I did not have to worry about limiting myself. “Another mojito please!” I noticed my mixed drinks at home or private parties were always more stronger than the flimsy ones bartenders would make.

I got trashed. I do not know if I did or said anything bad in front of his friends. I ended up on the couch cause I could not make it to the spare room. I do not remember the party after sunset. I do not think I ever got in the pool. (Probably a good idea.)

A few weeks later, my friend that hosted the party was in the city for a weekend. I kept texting him to meet up. He kept giving me half-ass excuses. He kept blaming his friends. He said he did not know what the plans were until last minute and then would forget to share them with me.

I felt hurt. I could not figure out why his friends seemed to not want me to join. I told myself it was because they were gay and woman-phobic. But, just maybe, they didn’t want to babysit a drunk girl. Maybe I did make a fool of myself at the pool party? I have been contemplating a lot lately about friends that I might have lost or kept away due to my excessive drinking but they never said a word.

That friend still avoids me to this day.

Carbaholic

Posted in 60-90 days by

I noticed I have replaced drinking alcohol with eating a lot of carbs and sugars. While that may be temporarily better for me (at least I am not getting drunk), I know it is still not healthy. I been eating too many donuts and bagels. Snacking on too much candy. And even though I try to eat healthy chips, I still eat them too much.
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So I decided to try the South Beach diet again. I have done it before and the hardest part was always “no booze for the first two weeks.” That part is easy now. *wink wink* Now giving up other sugars will be the difficult option. I do not want to substitute sugars with artificial sugars because, well, they are artificial. I would rather do this as natural as I can.
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I am also planning to do this as a vegetarian. I have flirted on and off with vegetarianism the past two years. Ever since I read the book Fast Food Nation, I have become concerned about America’s food. I do not trust the safety of the meat industry. (But I trusted the FDA enough to control the alcohol I drank?) But sometimes I get weak in my resistance and eat meat. Sometimes it is just too easy.
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And as if giving up sugars and meat was not enough, I am gonna stop soda. No more Diet Coke. I think that has been my strongest addiction. I have read of so many horrible things and risks caused by Diet Coke. It actually increases appetite and chance of diabetes.
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I think for this triple challenge, I do need daily 12-step meetings!

“God grant me the serenity to change my sugar habits, accept I will avoid meat, and the wisdom to know the dangers of Diet Coke.”
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Mistake # 88 – I lost 10 pounds on Weight Watchers. Just in time for my first anniversary with a boyfriend. We celebrated by going to Napa for wine tasting. We joined a limo winery tour.

I was not happy with just “tasting”. I was never good with just sipping my beverages. I would even buy extra tastings or a whole glass of which ever I liked the best. I was trashed by late afternoon. I stole the wine cork screw from the limo because I liked the logo on it. We ate dinner in the hotel but I acted like a drunk idiot. I was loud and obnoxious. We fought.

I was very hungover the next day and slept most of the drive back. Not the romantic weekend for which I hoped.

I remember walking into Weight Watchers and gained 2 pounds with my weigh in. I told her I went away for my anniversary. She said “well I hope it was worth it.”

Back then I said “hells yea!” Now I am not so sure.