Tag Archives: dating

Heartbroken

Posted in dating by

Even when you are not sure about a relationship, it still hurts when it ends.

And I am not even sure it was a relationship.

I met a guy back in August. We had a date for coffee the night before I left for Burning Man. He was cute. Nice. We had a great time talking. When the coffee shop closed, we went across the street to a park to keep talking. I actually did most of the talking. I apologized for monopolizing the conversation and he waved me off. He said that I was the first date he has been on in a long time that was interesting and he was enjoying my stories. I told him about my struggle with sobriety. He told me he was never much of a drinker, but he does smoke pot. I thought I could be okay with that because pot never tempted me. We talked about our families. He talked about his ex-wife and said they split up two years ago. He talked about his two boys and I talked about my job.

He offered me a ride to the airport the next day. I told him that was crazy. I was not giving him my home address after just meeting him. But an hour later, I changed my mind. He gave me a ride home. We had our first kiss. He was back 8 hours later to give me a ride to the airport. I joked that it was our 2nd date.

I spent that afternoon and the next morning in Reno getting ready for Burning Man. Both days were full of a lot of text messages with this guy. We both kept responding back and forth with sarcasm. Then he said he really liked me, was worried how much he liked me, and was willing to let us go as slow as I wanted. I responded that I really liked him too. He said these feeling scared him. He wanted to make sure we were on the same page. It all sounded very promising.

I did not text with him the 11 days I was at Burning Man. When I got back to the real world, we started the sarcastic banter again. He offered to pick me up at the airport when I got home. But I missed my flight and he was not available the time I did arrive. Then I was busy working every night. I asked if he wanted to come up to my job for my dinner break one night. He agreed but canceled a few hours before because he forgot he had to watch his sons. I wasn’t sure if that was made up or not. I decided I would not pursue him much. Let him make the next move. And he did a few days later by asking if I needed another ride to the airport. He knew I was taking a trip to Florida.

So we had another date as a 20 minute ride to the airport. This time we had a passionate kiss after he helped me with my bags. We spent the next few days texting again. More jokes and some “getting to know you” messages. I thought we were back on track to something developing. He offered to pick me up at the airport when I returned from Florida. We had plans for dinner that night and made plans for a movie the next night. Then the morning I was flying back, I got an invite from some of my Burning Man friends for a costumed pub crawl the next night. I asked the guy if he would rather do that instead going to the movie. His response was “it was not really his thing” but I should go. I told him I would rather spend time with him to get to know him. He told me I should go spend time with my Burner friends. I got upset and asked “so it went from us having a date, to me suggesting an alternative, to you canceling the date?” He said we can discuss it at dinner after the airport.

The dinner went great. Again, we had great conversations. I told him that I would rather go to the movies with him if he was not into a pub crawl or costumes. Besides, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in pubs with Burner friends after relapsing at Burning Man. He drove me home and we ended the evening with a lovely kiss. I texted him later to thank him for the night.

The next morning, he told me he didn’t think things would work out between us. He is too much of a introvert for this to go very far. He could keep pretending to be interesting until we had sex but he doesn’t think anything besides a great sex life would be achieved. I was hurt and confused. Everything seemed to be back on track the previous night. Now the pages were all mixed up. What did I do to make him change his mind? Was inviting him to a pub crawl with friends too soon? Or the idea of costumed Burners too much? I started to doubt myself and get upset.

I did not respond to his message. I went to the pub crawl. I told my friends about it and they assured me I was better off without him. We joked that I should dress up in costume for all my first dates now. And I got drunk. I decided I would just continue my Burning Man relapse since I could still smell playa dust on my costume. I made out with some Irish bartender that I barely remember. I remember giving him my number. He never called.

Next day, I jumped back onto sobriety. I swore up and down that I “am serious” now. I am avoiding the Burning Man parties until I get more sobriety under my belt. But I did something lower than drinking. I texted the guy saying maybe we could just start to get together for sex. I have not had good sober sex since I first quit drinking January 2014. I had bad sober sex and some good drunk sex when I relapsed. (Or I think it was good?) But kissing this guy turned me on so I threw away my dignity and offered to have sex with this guy, who basically just told me he didn’t think we should see each other. We set up a sex date for a week later on my next night off work.

We did not even text each other that week. I am not gonna go into much details, but we did have sex the night as planned. It was okay. I returned to my old way of thinking: the thoughts of “he will like me more after we have sex.” It was like my pussy was some man-trap. “Once he gets some of this, he will want to be my boyfriend.” I even had sex with him in my brand-new bed that I was keeping “virginal” until I was in a relationship.  We discussed getting STD tested. I went to Planned Parenthood and got myself tested. He said he would too. I took that promise as a sign and stopped using condoms. (It helped the sex go from okay to great.) I started thinking of vacations together and when I would meet his kids. I started to mentally build this into something serious when I was the one that agreed to having him come over for just sex.

A few days later, I asked him to come over to help me move some furniture. I bought a desk from Ikea but the box was too heavy to get up to my apartment. He helped one morning and as soon as we got it inside my place, we started pawing at each other. We had sex again. Afterwards, he offered to build the desk for me. I made him lunch to thank him. I remember sitting in my kitchen with this guy, in an after-sex glow, feeling lucky. I felt I found a real relationship finally. Then he had to go help someone else move furniture that evening. I did not pry or ask. I did not want to be a nag. We had a great kiss as he left.

I did not hear from him for 4 days. (And that was a response to something funny I texted him.) Then tonight, I texted him after meeting an author at a book signing. I wanted to share my excitement because I was reading her book when I first met him.  Two hours later he responded “i love you too. hard to keep my hands off of you.”

First, I thought he was moving too fast. We don’t know each other enough to be in love. Then I realized he meant that text for someone else. I asked if he was seeing someone else. No response. I asked if he even had his boys tonight or was that  lie. He responded asking me to come over.

I did not know where he lived at this point. I wasn’t sure if I should or not. Was that “i love you” actually meant for me? Does he want me to come over to say that to my face? How would I respond? I asked if he was sure he wanted me over. He said yes, his boys were in bed. OHMYGOD he is having me over while his boys are there? What if they wake up and see me? I thought that was a good sign. He texted me his address.

He answered the door in a t-shirt and underwear. He looked good. We talked in the kitchen for thirty minutes about the author and my meeting her. Then we moved to the bedroom to keep our conversation from waking the boys in the next room. After more small talk, I finally asked him about the text message. He and the boys were out earlier and ran into someone and yes, that text message was meant for her. I asked if he was seeing someone else. He said he isn’t really seeing anyone. I felt sick and stupid. Why did I push for this to be something? I told him when we talked about getting STD testing, I thought it meant something. Then I even took the blame saying “I guess I should have asked you then if you were seeing someone else.” I told him I felt dumb for not using a condom the last few times. He said he knows he is safe and the “others” are safe. I did not want to fight with him that there is no way to know if others are safe unless you are committed. I asked him if there are a lot others and his response was “not a handful.” So at least 2 or 3 other women is what I guess. And I wonder if one is his “ex-wife”. Perhaps she is the one he meant to send that text. I asked about her and what happened. They are still married but separated. He was miserable when they were together but they get along fine now that he moved out. Maybe he is just taking a break from the marriage and I was one of the pawns he wanted to play with.

I keep thinking back to those texts messages when I was in Reno. All that talk about how much he liked me and wanted to know if we were on the same page. I should have let it all go after he told me it wasn’t going to work. I can not force someone to feel something for me. I was fantasizing about this turning into something but I let sexual desire drive me to make mistakes. I still want to insist that he get HIV tested. But as soon as I left his house, I deleted his number and texts. He doesn’t seem ready for the same thing I am wanting. And we are not on the same page. Not even the same chapter.

Since this is a blog about my sobriety, I guess I need to add that none of this makes me want to drink. I just feel sad and stupid. I also think I need to start going to meetings more and really try to meet people. I need to dedicate myself to meditation. On that note, I bought a tranquility fountain of a Buddha tonight after I got his text message but before going to his house.

Metta.

Addictive Relationships

Posted in 1 year to next milestone by

I just finished a very short book (31 pages) about addictive relationships. I guess it is more of a pamphlet that I ordered on Amazon. It is called “Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery” by Terence T Gorski. I first heard about Terry Gorski while reading One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin. I now feel prepared to try to continue dating. I want to sum up some of the things I learned from Mr Gorski.
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Characteristics of Addictive Relationships:
-Magical or Unrealistic thinking: “My life will be better when I have a boyfriend.”
-Instant Gratification: “He must be gorgeous and turn me on as soon as we meet.”
-Dishonesty: “If I am honest, he will leave me.”
-Compulsive and Obsessive Overcontrol: obsessed with the relationship, it is the most important thing in your life
-Lack of Trust: Don’t try to change their nature.
-Alternating Doubts- I complain about him which then turns to self doubt.
-Isolation- Don’t want to share your partner with anyone else
-Repeating cycle of pain

He talked about how addictive relationships are built on risk-taking. I realize that was the start of almost all my relationships. I have always focused on having “interesting meeting stories” to entertain people and make myself seem more glamorous. “Oh we met while traveling in Argentina”. “He offered me a ride home cause I was so drunk and he SAVED ME”. “We met in boot camp.” “I bought furniture from him online and then asked him out.” All my affairs had the adrenaline kick of risk-taking. So many times I started to date someone and thought I could change them “for the better.”

His suggestions:
–Do not have sex on the 1st date. He did not give a time frame of how long to wait. But I am thinking I am gonna self-impose at least 3 months.
–Never have sex out of guilt of obligation. I know I have done this from feeling lack of self-worth.
–Never have sex to change someone. I have done this. I have had sex thinking it would get the guy to like me more.
–Don’t share your alcoholic past on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. You will scare them away. But you must eventually be honest about it.
–Build the relationship slowly. Yea I need help on this!
-Have realistic expectations.
-Establish and maintain personal growth first!

I need to stop focusing on finding a relationship and worrying about it. I am meeting a guy today for coffee. I will see how that goes but think I need to stop agreeing to squeeze in time to date. I have a lot of other things I can be doing. Dating should not be stressful.
relationship-and-love-addiction

Total Abstinence

Posted in 1 year to next milestone, dating by

Yesterday after being upset about a hopeful relationship ending before it even began, I read a great chapter in my book One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin.  The chapter is about step seven but he brings up relationships failing in sobriety.  He was given a tape of a psychotherapist Terry Gorsky, whom I googled and found his name is actually spelt Gorski. I then ordered a book by Mr Gorski which should arrive in a few days.

The advice my book gives from Mr Gorski is that “the place to start building a good relationship was the beginning.  Specifically,  he suggested no sex for the initial stages.”

See, I have been happy that I have been able to date sober. And I have been wondering what it would be like to finally have satifying, sober sex. I think I have been focusing on that achievement more than actually wanting a relationship.  I mean, I do want a real relationship. I want to find someone to make me laugh and happy. I want someone that will accentuate me. But I think I have been concentrating more on the physical attraction with these men. I was not establishing the foundation of a long term relationship; I was fixating on wanting someone that turned me on instantly.

The guy who told me “it would not work” between us was very sexy. I am sure I would have had sex with him if we had another date because I told myself I deserved it. I thought a year of sobriety would make finding love easier. I thought if I had sex sober, I would not regret it like I regretted most of my blacked-out encounters . I blamed my alcoholism for all my relationship problems. But rushing into relationships was another fault I had. I did not know how to take things slow. I did not know how to wait. I did not have patience.

Another suggestion Gorsk[i] made was to avoid people who triggered intense sexual longing because such partners wound up setting off an addictive pattern of craving, bingeing, and eventual revulsion. Instead, he suggested that you date people who you liked to spend time with on a friendly basis…

Reading this helped me a lot yesterday! I was telling myself I did not want to follow those dating “rules” that everyone has been suggesting: make a man wait for sex. I thought those rules sounded like games. Why would I make him wait if I wanted sex?

Reading this section made me wonder if that was why all my relationships have failed? (Well, that and the drinking!) I slept with all my boyfriends and girlfriends almost right after meeting them. And when the sexual excitement fizzled, I got bored. I filled that boredom with drinking and cheating. And lying. But lying usually follows the cycle of drinking.

So no sex. No sober sex. No drunk sex. I wonder what Gorski says about self-sex?

I am sure I will blog about what I read in his book when it arrives. And I will keep my blogged updated how this sober, chaste dating thing goes.

Sober Dating

Posted in 9 months to a Year by

I have gone out on a few dates the past few weeks.  Nothing too exciting. Nothing too serious. I have already made a promise to myself I do not want anything sexual until after I am sober a year.  Also,  I want to date a person for a few weeks or maybe even a few months before having sex. I want to find something meaningful. I want to do things correctly. I want a real relationship and not one based on the lies of alcohol.

I am being picky but think I deserve to be. It might be difficult to find a good, single partner at my age and even harder the older I get. But I am not settling. I would rather be single than with someone I only half-heartedly want. I would like to find someone who likes to travel as much as I do and that is tough to find. Yet I would rather marry my passport than someone who will restrict my adventure abilities.

My first date was nice. The guy was cute and had a great smile. I made him laugh a lot and we talked for hours. He had a few beers while I drank ice tea. He walked me to my car and we had a lovely kiss. I left with butterflies in my belly. I was thrilled! I was able to enjoy a date and be attracted to a guy without alcohol! Sober Dating is possible as long as I like the person. He texted me after I left with his house address and asked me to come over for coffee. I declined the invitation.  I know that coming over for coffee at 10pm is code for wanting to serve me coffee for breakfast instead. I was so glad I was not tipsy because I might have agreed and especially would have went if he offered wine.

I asked him if he wanted to join me for a play in the city the next week. He replied that sounds like a good idea. We made plans for Thursday. This was Monday. On Wednesday two days later, I text him that my job interview went well because we talked about it Monday night. (I will address the job stuff in another post.) He said congratulations. 

Then Sunday, I texted him asking if we were still on for that Thursday. He replied hours later apologizing for late answer but he was busy at work and yes, he would like to see me again Thursday but did not feel like going into the city. He knew 5 days in advance he did not want to go into the city? But I said that was okay, what else did he have in mind.

No response until Thursday at 5pm. He asked me if I wanted to see a movie. I was irritated.  I was supposed to keep my calendar empty just waiting for his reply? I replied honestly that I was up since 5am and would fall asleep during a film. I asked if we could get together another night. He said yes.

The next week, I texted to ask him if he was busy that evening. He said he was going out for a friend’s birthday, but he would call me later to meet up. A late night meet up after he is out drinking for a friend’s party? I told him to text me and we’ll see what to do. He never did. Now it is a few weeks later and I deleted him from my phone.

There have been a few other dates. One guy seemed like a liar that couldn’t keep a story straight. He also commented abstaining from alcohol is no big deal and he doesn’t understand why people get falling – down drunk. I thought he would not understand my addiction or he would harshly judge all my mistakes. Another guy was very nice but very young. I have a few dates planned next week.

Maybe I should just start going back to AA meetings and inquire about skipping to the 13th step.

Mistake: I was young and still experimenting with women. I met a woman online who was a lot older than me. I think she was 12 or 14 years older. She had a teenage daughter and I was 24. She was married to a man but looking for a female fun partner. I met her out for drinks. I was not attracted to her. I thought she looked like she spent too much time in a tanning bed and bleached her hair too much. But I wanted to test my bisexuals feelings. So I invited her back to my place after getting drunk. I continued to do shots to get drunk enough to kiss her. I don’t remember much of the experience. Blacking out is not the greatest way to test sexual orientation. I regretted it the next morning.  She kept paging me afterwards to meet up again. I either would call her back with excuses or ignore the pages.

Sober + Single = SUCKS

Posted in 90- 120 days by

I know it is suggested to not start any new relationship the first year of sobriety. But I hate feeling so lonely. So I have been trying to go on dates. I figure I am not looking for a real relationship or anything serious now so it will not affect my sobriety. I am only living here for another three months. I want to find someone temporarily. Like a rental partner.

But I am not sure what is worse: sober and lonely or sober and rejected.

I have been messaging with some guys. My dating profile says I do not drink but most guys still ask me out for drinks. I figure I will accept the invitation and then drink tonic with lemon. But so far the dates have not happened. They change the plans or ask me to go out of my way to meet them. They all decline to meet for dinner.

I had one date but it was disappointing. We met for coffee but I will not see him again. He kept trying to finish my sentences and barely made eye contact. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was turned off by my looks so much that he kept looking around the restaurant or out the window. He might have been shy or uncomfortable, but it made me feel undesirable.

I have a profile on another dating site. This site matches people and then has stages of questions before exchanging emails. A few guys have begun the question process. But most break off the match after a few stages. Some break it off right after I send them questions. Was it something I said?

It has been deflating my ego. I usually think I am a good looking woman but starting to worry maybe I am looking old. Maybe men my age only want younger women. Maybe men think a woman who doesn’t drink is boring. Maybe only drunk men would be interested in me.

I felt lonely for my 100th day of sobriety. No one to celebrate it with in real life. No hugs. And it means it has been more than 100 days since I’ve had sex. The last few times I had sex, I was drunk and do not remember it. But abstaining from alcohol and sex is very boring. If they are going to go hand in hand forever, I’d rather be drunk.

I decided to get rid of one source of rejection. I deleted the one dating profile. Now I do not need to worry about flakey guys blowing me off. I actually rather enjoy a good book at dinner than suffer through a bad date. The other dating site is a paid account. So I am stuck with it for a few months. But I deleted the app on my phone so I will not be tempted to check so often and be let down as much.

I need to focus on bettering myself and not meeting new people. Reading. Writing. Exercising. Once I am more stable in my sobriety and understand who I am, I can discover another person.

But I am still lonely. I might search for old playmates to keep me company.

Mistake # 102 – I had a date with a guy I met online. He was a child psychologist. He was very good looking. Very nice. He was also a published photographer. A very successful guy that asked me out.

I showed up at the restaurant drunk. I actually drove there. The date seemed to go well. He invited me back to his place. It wasn’t too far but I followed him in my car. I remember concentrating real hard to try to drive straight. Parallel parking was very difficult.

We drank very nice wine. We drank lots of the wine. He showed me his books of photographs. I remember staring at a nice framed photo on his wall when he kissed me.

Then I do not remember much. I woke up the next day on his couch with my dress laying next to me. He came out from his bedroom to ask how I was feeling. I told him I had a headache. He offered me some ibuprofen and water. I thanked him. I left. I never asked what happened. I assume we had sex but I might have passed out before anything happened.

He texted me about an hour after I left to make sure I got home okay. I apologized for being so drunk that night. He made a comment that I seemed very wasted. I admitted I drank some before dinner and hoped I could make it up to him another time. He said he did not think that would be a good idea.

Maybe drunk dating is worse than sober dating for me.

Fear and Understanding

Posted in 60-90 days by

I think a lot of people fear what they do not understand. Social drinkers fear alcoholics. Alcoholics fear alcohol. Addicts fear sobriety. One religion fears the other. Some people seem to fear people of different sexual orientation.

Since going sober seems to be about honesty, I need to admit I lied a few times in my blogs. I played the pronoun game. A few of the guys I dated actually had the pronoun “she”. The relationship I was in when I first attempted AA was with a woman. She was the one I bruised up in one of my blackouts. She was the one that came with me to a few meetings and supported me going sober for our relationship. But we went back to drinking and other issues caused us to split.

So that is my confession of the day. It is who I am. I did not choose it. But I choose sobriety.
sober pride

Mistake #61- I invited a woman I was seeing to a music festival. I liked her but I did not want anything serious. My relationship with my ex boyfriend of almost two years just ended and I wanted to “enjoy” being single.  Actually, I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend so I was not ready for a real relationship with anyone else. To add to the emotional confusion, I was not staying in the area. I was saving up for a long trip in a few months. I did not want anyone tying me down.

I had friends there were going to the festival. We were all camping there. I arrived Thursday night and set up two tents. When my lady-friend showed up Friday, she was upset that there were two tents. “Oh is the second one for when I piss you off?” I said we just might want more room. But yes, that was the exact reason for the second tent. I had a large cooler full of beers plus the festival had beer tents. I predicted us getting drunk and fighting. It is sad that I had to have backup plans for drunk fights.

She met my friends. They all seemed to like her. I was relieved that I did not have to keep her occupied at all times. She could hang out with my friends. I could do my own thing or go off for beers whenever without having to “check in” with her.

I spent Friday to Sunday drunk. I started out each morning with mimosas and had a diet of mostly beer all weekend. I passed out early on Saturday night in my tent and missed all the bands that night. I actually only remember two bands from the whole weekend. My lady-friend hung out with my friends Saturday night since I was no fun that night.

She helped me pack up the next day before she left. I was drinking Sunday morning to lighten the load of the coolers. I did stop about an hour before leaving. I was still slightly tipsy for my hour and half drive home. I started drinking again once I got home.

I was drunk that night when I got the email from my male friend. He wanted to apologize for Saturday night. Turns out that while I was passed out, my lady-friend and him made out while they were drunk. The problem was he was engaged. He said he felt guilty, so he told his fiancée. And then he decided to confess to her that he and I made out a few months before when I first met them. The night he and I kissed, we were both drunk and at another camping festival. I did not meet his fiancée yet. He offered to walk me to my tent and then grabbed me for a long, deep kiss. We never told anyone nor spoke about that kiss. I met her the next morning and felt bad. But now she knew. I was so worried about the rest of our group of friends finding out. I was worried she was going to hate me now. I told him to apologize to her for me. He told me not to worry. He said she understands that we were both drunk. But he was sorry if he caused problems between me and my girl. I was defensive with “she is not MY GIRL. She is just a friend.”

But I messaged her that night while drunk. I was furious that she risked messing up my circle of friends. I did not care that she kissed someone (or at least I did not think I cared?) But why did she have to kiss the guy that is engaged! I started blaming her for bringing drama into my life. If my friends stop inviting me to camp with them, it was her fault! I should never have invited her! I ended things with her and broke off contact with her.

Who was creating the drama?

After a year, she and I started to talk again. We are now friends again. She is one of the few that knows I quit alcohol. Well, I told her I quit for a year. I still fear what that group of friends will say about my sobriety. Will they be understanding?