School vs Sobriety

Now I understand! All those times my friends went back to school and did not have much time for a social life, I understand! When they said “I have to study” or “I have a paper to write”, I know why they weren’t complete in an hour or so. This stuff takes concentration and time! It is a struggle. Especially trying to do everything else in life and school work.

It reminds me of my sobriety. Takes time and not always easy.

I am happy I have started this journey back to school much like I am happy I have started the journey to sobriety.  But I also see how people might not comprehend what an effort this is. I have to be disciplined in both my studies and sobriety. I have to just say no to a beer or a movie. I need to move away from people trying to converse while I am trying to read much like I need to move away from someone who keeps offering me booze.

Both will have good outcomes.
Damn it… I now want a sobriety report card. I have gotten A’s for 4 months. I want the 6 month sobriety honor roll!

Mistake 141- Yesterday I mentioned I promised the guy I was staying with I would not have drunk sex in his house anymore. Well another night, I thought I was alone. I thought the guy that lived there was at work. I invited a male friend over late while I was drunk. We had sex on the couch. After he left, I heard the toilet flush upstairs. The guy was not at work. He was sleeping but woke up to hearing sex noises downstairs.

We never mentioned it. I broke my promise. I moved out of there soon because I was able to move back home and start my job. I somehow convinced the alcohol counselor that I did not have a drinking problem so she gave me the green light to work. I never talked to the guy that owned that house again.

Advertisements

Goals

Soberistas posted a great blog with tips to stay sober. Let me summarize what I took from it:
1- think of the big picture and imagine your life. Think of your future and your relationship with alcohol.
2- break down your future into specific goals you want to achieve.
3- make an action plan for those goals that is SMART (specific, measurable, attainable,  relevant, and time-related.)
4- put plan into action
5- prioritize goals and start a journal
6- reward yourself!

All great ideas and tips! There is mention of losing weight being a goal. There are so many times I am disappointed that I have not lost weight since I quit drinking. Even quitting soda a month ago hasn’t helped. (But I do cheat on the soda bit.) But I think I need to focus my goals on self-improvement and narrow that down to school.

I want to return to school in fall 2015. I have been talking about this for many years. Usually the idea of paying for it is what scares me the most. I keep thinking I will get a job that will reimburse me but then I never stay somewhere long enough to obtain that benefit. In 2012, I settled in one area with the goal of starting an online program. But then I read some countries do not accept distance learning degrees. I did not want to spend the money and time for a degree that might be useless if I wanted to move overseas. I was also worried if I have the self-discipline and control for online courses.

I left my job in that area. I started the process to relocate to another city that had an university program I wanted with classroom lectures rather than online. Then, I could not get the job I wanted there due to my DUIs. (What I consider my rock bottom.) I went back to working contracts and I am planning to relocate to a different city now. I plan to establish residency there by August to reach my goal of 2015 start date.

Sometimes, I actually feel relieved at the obstacles I had to face. Actually, a lot of times I feel relief. If I stayed in that city I settled in for school, going sober would have been challenging. All my friends drank! And they drank lots! I loved my life there. At least one huge party a month surrounded by a lot of small get togethers throughout the week. My friends were fun, creative, and like a family to me. I only lived there a little more than a year but I felt instant acceptance. But it seemed if I was not working, I was drunk. I could not even maintain a work out routine nor regular yoga classes cause I was drunk or hungover. I really started to question my drinking habits at this point but I seriously said I was not ready to quit. After a decade of “drinking breaks” and attempts at moderation, I accepted I was an alcoholic. I was just not willing to change that. I was having too much fun.

And the city I was trying to move to but couldn’t because of my DUIs… that is another drinking city! Big party town. I am sure there are other things to do and it has great restaurants, but living there might have been a sober challenge.
image

So my goals now are
1) stay sober,
2) relocate and establish residency in My Dream City,
and 3) obtain my degree. I have already set the wheels in motion. I started online classes to raise my GPA to increase my chances of acceptance. (I had to drop one class already though. I relaized jumping into two online classes was a bit tough and would hurt my GPA more.) And being sober is going to help me achieve better grades. (I hope.)

I still want to lose weight. I just signed up for a 30 day Ab challenge on Facebook (a little late since it started June 1.) But my focus will be on school. And sobriety. I just hope I don’t gain a “freshman fifteen.”

Mistake 133- I went to visit a friend for a weekend at a college 5 hours away. When I got there, he said his girlfriend was sick so he had to go take care of her the first night. He introduced me to a girl in his class and told me to hang out with her.

She took me to a party. Some guy she liked was going to be there. I don’t remember much except playing beer pong. I was in a city I did not know, at a school that was not mine, hanging with people I did not know, and I got trashed.

I had a blackout. Scary thinking I only started drinking a year before this and blackouts were starting to already become frequent. I “woke up” to realizing I was having sex with a guy. He was roommate with the guy whom was the reason we went to the party. We were on his top bunk bed. How the hell did I even climb up that ladder?

It is weird I remember his name because it is also my father’s name. And I remember he was short. I was so disgusted in the morning that I had sex with someone about a foot shorter than me.

The girl I went to the party with was there. She did not have sex with the guy she liked. She wanted a relationship and said she didn’t want to mess that chance. I was just the drunk stranger from out of town. No chance of relationships to mess up.

But I couldn’t help but feel she looked down on me. She didn’t know what she was getting into when she agreed to hang out with me. She wasn’t looking for a babysitting job. She walked me back to my friend’s dorm and left. I was glad I wasn’t a student there so I would not have to face her again. I spent the day hungover in my friend’s dorm watching movies.

Education

I signed up for online courses. Two classes via a community college. I am nervous because I do not know if I have the self discipline to do online classes. Plus, I graduated college twelve years ago. I am worried it has been so long that I do not remember how to study.

Yet at the same time, I am excited. I love learning. The classes are art history and comparative religion. I will enjoy these subjects. And I keep thinking I will do well simply because I am not drinking alcohol anymore.

This is a step towards returning to school next year to further my degree. I want to bring up my GPA to get in a school. When I was in college, I was satisfied with passing. I was not concerned about wanting to continue my education later. I just wanted to get the grades to graduate. I partied too much. I look forward to studying sober and not going to class hungover.

So many frat parties. So many drunk nights. So many one-night stands. I started blackouts almost immediately after I started drinking at 18. I thought that drinking was how I got people to like me. It made up for being a loner and good girl in high school.

Mistake 108- I think it was my first one-night stand with a stranger. I woke up in this guy’s dorm room. He wasn’t there because he was in the shower. His roommate was laying on a bed across the room watching a Disney movie. I think Lion King? I felt lost and scared. I did not know where I was.

When the guy returned, I asked him what happened. He said “you don’t remember?” I told him last thing I remember was being at a Sig Ep party. He said we met there and came back to his room. We had sex. He said then I passed out. A few guys in the dorm wanted to have sex with me after I passed out but he wouldn’t let them. I thanked him. Almost twenty years later, I can remember the shame I felt.

He took me to lunch on campus. All I can remember is he was Russian and a music major. I do not remember his name. I turned the embarrassment of sex with a stranger around to “wow, my first sexual experience with a foreigner.” I just do not remember the experience.

I saw him a couple times on campus. I always avoided him.