I have been feeling very irritable. I should be celebrating 60 days of sobriety but I am having a hard time getting into a celebratory mood.
I’ve been getting upset too easily. I have been mad at co-workers, mad at slow drivers, and mad about things friends post on Facebook.
My ex-boyfriend was annoying me. He asked for medical advice and then did not follow it correctly. The next day he was complaining he still did not feel well. I told him to go to the damn doctor then! He is on the other side of the world. Plus, he was bugging me about problems he had with two women interested in him. Oh poor him. I told him to go ask another ex-girlfriend for advice instead.
At least for the first time, he asked me how my sobriety is going. That made me happy.
Some might say it seems I am experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). The most common symptoms are:
If you add “cramps” it sounds like PMS.
Oh yea, I am have suffering wicked cramps. So it could be either one. I still want to bite the head off anyone that asks me any questions.
But I do not want to drink. That would piss me off more if I gave up my sobriety.
My cramps have been bad the last three years. That is due to getting an IUD. When I was with my ex, I thought we would be together forever. We were in a committed relationship so this birth control option made sense. And I did not want to take birth control pills or anything with hormones because I thought the hormones made me moody and caused our fights. Now I realize my drinking and low-self esteem caused most of our fights.
But ever since I got the IUD placed, cramps have been very painful. And the cramps make me think of my IUD and then I think about my failed relationship. And that gets me sad and more irritable.
Sounds like a nice Hallmark card:
My horrible cramps make me think of you. Miss you lots!
So I am 60 days sober. I still have to make an appointment for my facial. I am working lots of overtime so that treat might get pushed to 70 days. I am popping ibuprofen like I used to pop back beers.
Ok, maybe not that much.
*(I wrote this blog on my dinner break that I finally got after 8 hours of work. Some food and Aleve made me much less irritable. YEA 60 days!!!)
Mistake# 60 – I was living with my ex boyfriend in his country for the summer. We actually spent 6 weeks touring a few countries and then 6 weeks in his city. I was the first girl he took home to meet his parents. I took a language class to learn his language. And I was trying to figure if I would want to move there. If we got married, I could get a visa.
I ended up not really liking it there. Mostly it was due to lack of friends. I did not feel his friends welcomed me. And I could not get rid of the nagging feeling it was because of his ex-girlfriend. She never did anything to me or against me. I just thought she was jealous of me and wanted him back. I felt their mutual friends did not accept me. It was as if they viewed me as her replacement. And I was an American. And I didn’t speak their language. I would never be good enough for them. And they did not think I was good enough for him.
No one ever said such things. It was all in my head. Until one night, I got drunk, and I posted my accusations on an online forum on which his friends were all active.
The next morning, I woke up with some foggy memory of the forum. I checked it. Oh god there were so many comments. A lot of the comments were trying to decipher my drunk writing. They even asked “are you sure English is your first language?” His ex-girlfriend made a friendly comment that she would like to be my friend. I was jealous and embarrassed. Here I was writing mean, nasty things about his city and friends and she was being nice and accepting. What a bitch!
I delete the whole post. Deleted the evidence. But I knew I could never face his friends again.
I went back to the United States soon as planned. I got a job. He came to visit about two months later. I went to visit him about a month later. He came to visit me again. The long distance became too much.
I still fear that city and his friends’ opinion of me.