Tag Archives: aa

Percentage rather than days

Posted in New Sober (no more counting) by

Hi all. I know I haven’t been posting for months but I think that happens to a lot of people who are trying to get sober but not really bloggers.

Since my last post, I did get drunk once. I was at a small, local Burner regional and I got drunk one night on cheap wine. I wasn’t sure why I did it but I think it was related to 1) feeling lonely 2) had a crush on the guy who offered the wine. I had fun but ended up going to my tent for something and passed out early. I wasted one night of a 3 day festival and regretted it the next morning when I had a hangover.

And I survived another Burning Man year with ALMOST no alcohol. I told several people  in my camp I do not drink but I was still offered booze in some form all week. I did take a few sips of champagne as it was passed around during volunteer shifts. And I had some champagne at a camp that has champagne parties at sunrise everyday, but it is small amount they give and the 2 cups I had were maybe 3/4 of a measuring cup. Then there was one drink I had on the last day as I passed a camp as my sort of farewell toast to Burning Man.

I sit here now a week later and think about what that means for my sobriety. To myself, I remained sober. I had a tiny bit of alcohol but avoided the amount that would cause me to crave. (Last year when I sipped the passing champagne, I gulped it down and realized I was keeping my eye on the bottle as it got passed around to figure when it would get back to me.) No, I do not think this means I can moderate. But I also don’t think I need to start to recount my sobriety. This is one reason I do not subject to the AA club nor the philosophies there. If I went to an AA meeting now, they would consider me newly sober and I would have to wait for 30 days since that last drink to get a new chip. It sort of erases all the things I learned the last 2 and a half years.

So I’ve decided to think of my sobriety in percents. I would estimate I have been sober 95% of the time since January 2014. I plan to sit down and actually calculate the percentage out when I have time. I can remember everyday I had a drink since I first slip in May 2015. The more as time goes on and I do not drink, that percentage will go higher. I think that is more important than chips or resetting my sobriety clock. I will never get a cake at an AA meeting with this belief but it will keep me sober to the best of my ability.

I am in school now so don’t really think I will have time for blogging. But I feel confident I can have that percent up to 99% by January 21, 2017.

The Buddha and Bill W. | The Fix

Posted in Uncategorized by

https://www.thefix.com/content/buddha-and-bill-w

I am sharing this to read later. But Buddhism has helped me with sobriety more than AA. And it has also been helping with ny depression. I quit taking Prozac more than a month ago and doing okay so far. I have read most of the Kevin Griffin  books. I think this is a good perspective for people uncomfortable with the Bible and Christian roots of AA.

Old coins

Posted in 9 months to a Year by

image

As I was unpacking my things and moving into my new place, I found a box of old mementos. Ticket stubs. Tour brochures.  Matchbooks. And I found these three tokens.

They were from my first time trying AA and sobriety 7 1/2 years ago after my second DUI. I have mentioned before in this blog how my journal entries at that time proved to me I wasn’t serious about sobriety. I wanted to still be able to drink without the negative outcomes. Getting serious about it has finally allowed me to come this far. I am 10 days away from a year of sobriety.

I also have blogged about my frustration with finding the milestone tokens. I never picked up a white chip because my first AA meeting, about 4 days after my drink, I was still not sure I wanted to go on this road. Then by 30 days, I almost broke down and had a drink because I was upset I couldn’t find a meeting to give me a red chip. I also said how I never got a 60 day chip and when I finally got my 90 chip, I considered lying to get a 60 day one at another meeting.

But now I have from this round of sobriety a 30 day, 90 day, 6 month, 9 months, and 1st Sober Burning Man token. I can add from my last round this 1 day, a second 30 day, and a 60 day chip. Maybe I will make jewelry.  Maybe I will make a wind chime. Whatever I do with them, I am so thankful to have made it this far on the sobriety journey.

9 months

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

I went on to a 3 day camping festival with some friends. It was a lot of fun. My feet and body are sore from exploring and dancing. I am so glad I got to reconnect with friends. There was a few times I wanted to drop the sobriety thing but I stayed strong.

I have told friends here I am not drinking but they seem to have short term memories. They offer me a beer, I say “no thanks I quit drinking” and the next day they offer me another drink. Maybe they think I meant I quit for the day? I have to ask what was in everything that was offered to me. I even turned down ice cream because I was not in the mood for dairy and later found out someone mixed booze into the ice cream. It seems some people can not live without alcohol but they are not even alcoholics! I never see these people making fools of themselves and they don’t blackout. They control their drinking. It makes me jealous. But I know I will never be able to moderate. I am allergic to alcohol. My body does not react the same. But my body is fine without poisoning it with booze.

I met up with my friends P and C that I last saw in June. They were actually the most supportive people from the whole weekend. When someone would offer me a drink, P would tell them “no she doesn’t drink alcohol anymore” before I could say anything. I smiled. I guess it took them a bit to get used to it. But by the time we said bye to each other, we all hugged. I cried. I am happy that I did not lose their friendship like I thought when I blogged about it in June.

Also they had another friend with them. I have known this girl for a few years and definitely thought she had a drinking problem. I saw her a few times very drunk and sad in the past. She was a depressive drunk. This weekend she told me she has been sober 4 months. I was proud of her. We talked a little about sobriety. She told me she has a sponsor and is doing AA. I wished her luck. I told her she can talk to me about it whenever.

I did overhear about another woman at the festival who did not have a good time. A person said she decided to celebrate her 30 days of sobriety by getting drunk. And I think they said she mixed some drugs with her drinking. She started to have a panic attack, flipped out, and had suicidal thoughts. It made me glad I was sober.

After the festival, I spent two nights in a hotel. I walked around the city in the afternoon. Again I wished I was able to drink. Whenever I used to travel and not have to worry about driving, I used that as an excuse to get drunk. I loved the creative names of some cocktails I saw on menus. But I stuck to water.

I then found an AA meeting. There was an interesting speaker. The only reason I went was to search for a 9 month chip and I was happy when they pulled out the chip box at the end. So I got a 9 month chip! (Even though I had to go to another city/area to get it again.)

My 30 days, 90 days and 6 month tokens are all coins. This one looks more like a poker chip. I see this as evidence that meetings work different in different areas. Especially my area that only gives 90 days and yearly chips.

image

Busy but Sober and Sober Readings

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

Once again I am sorry for my lack of updates. But I am still here and still sober. Actually I am almost 9 months sober! I once heard a man in a meeting saying 90 days and 9 months sobreity are some of the most “dangerous” times because we get too confident and let our defenses down. I guess he suggests we stop being vigilant against these disease. I have felt a surge of pride that I have come this far and I am keeping aware of any lows or bouts of temptation. Not sure how much thanks of this confidence goes to Prozac.

I finished listening to Ann book The Intimate Relationship between Women and Alcohol. It was a long “read” but I enjoyed it. It was very informational. She talked a lot about statistics,  society’s relationship with alcohol, the problems drinking causes, growing up with an alcoholic mom, and her struggles to stay sober. One word I learned from it that I loved is alcogenic.
I might try to find a cheap one online to order to keep as a reference.  There were a lot of quotes I liked in the book. Here is one:

Liquor soothes. It calms anxiety. It numbs depression. Ask any serious drinker. If you want to find your off button, alcohol can seem like an excellent choice .

Yes, alcohol was my off button switch. And sometimes it is a struggle to not want to flip that switch again, but I would rather deal with the struggle than deal with the consequences once that switch is turned back on.

I have been keeping busy. I still have not finished my book One Breath at a Time about Buddhism and the 12 steps. I have been working a lot (about 50 hours a week) and busy with my Substance Abuse Prevention class. I did go out with my mom one night and ordered her a beer at the bar. I did not crave it at all. And it was a beer I used to like!

I just received a book from Amazon that I am really liking and think I will learn from much. It is Get Sober, Stay Sober: The Truth about Alcoholism by Cynthia Perkin. The first chapter talks about AA and the pros and cons of it. I really like that she points out going to meetings is not enough. People need to work on their psychological issues behind their addiction. I have been saying that since I got sober. I have been working on my issues with reading and writing but I do think I should still seek a professional therapist. (At least to get a prescription for the Prozac so I do not have to fly to Mexico for more when I run out.) I might be settling in one place after December so that should help me stable and find a good counselor.

I was thinking about my “mistakes” the other day. A lot of people thank me for telling them. I am glad if they help others realize they have a problem and go sober. Also, I am glad I have the list to go back one day to remind me of how bad my drinking got. I still feel I am in the freshmen phase of sobriety but I hope I pass this school with honors.

Mistake 243: I spent the morning hungover. I met up with a friend for a very late brunch. I still felt slightly drunk that early afternoon but started drinking again. Mimosas were a necessity for brunch! 

I got a text message from a guy I had a crush on. He asked me to be his last minute date to a small wedding reception at a restaurant . I agreed. I was excited. I was just telling my friend how I thought this guy was cute and then I got the message. I drove home to get ready. (Already, I should not have been driving.)

I picked him up and we proceeded to the restaurant. It was a Middle Eastern themed place. It was a very nice evening full of lots of specialty drinks and wine. I was very drunk when we left. I basically started my day with drinks and did not stop. I do not remember if he was very drunk but he did not have a drivers license. He never said why but I suspected it was from a DUI. So I drove us back to his place. The next day, he told me how scary the drive was cause I swerved a lot. He said he did not realize how trashed I was. That seemed to be a common occurrence. I rarely realized how trashed I was.

I miss happiness

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

It seems it has been a long time since I felt truly happy. Maybe I can go back through my blogs and figure out a day. But it seems my heart has been so heavy for the past month. I miss being happy. I really thought quitting alcohol was gonna alleviate my depression. I realize more and more that I drank to self-medicate my depression.

My car issue is almost hurting my brain. My car can not be fixed until next week due to delayed approval from insurance and then difficulty getting parts shipped out to nowhere. (If you are gonna hit a deer, try to do it near a big city or someplace less remote than the wastelands of Nevada.) I am figuring things out but I just resent this extra work and thinking.

I went to an AA meeting today. It helped me as far as reminding me “we” are everywhere. I can handle my problem without alcohol.

I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of trying to be strong. I am tired of trying to be brave. I am gonna see about going on medication when I get home.

image

Travel for Tokens

Posted in 180 days to 9 months by

If you have been following my blog, you would know that my local meetings do not give out many sobriety chips. At first I was very frustrated by this. I had to drive to a city two hours away to get my 30 day chip. I got my 90 day chip while on vacation in another city. I found it nice and convenient that I was to be traveling again for my 180th day.

I made plans to have dinner with an old friend. He and I have bickered about a lot of things in the past. When I first got sober, I stopped talking to him because of his comments about alcoholism.  He does not believe it is a disease. It is a choice.  I couldn’t handle that in my first 30 or even 60 days. I think it was near 90 days sober before I unblocked him and started to talk to him again.

He wanted to invite his roommate and roommate’s girlfriend to dinner with us. The problem is his roommate is my ex-boyfriend.  I told him I did not want them to join.  He said they might get upset if they are left out and I said “I don’t fucking care.” This guy was horrible with returning phone calls and text messages. He did not care when that hurt me. And the way we ended things was he called me about some papers and then said “you know that whatever happens, we will always be friends.” We never talked about it. We never had closure. And the last time I was in town, he canceled dinner plans with me to go see this girl. So I really did not want him and his new love joining my evening. I did not want closure with his arms wrapped around her. I could not handle that sober.

Thankfully my friend did not invite them. He and I had a great dinner. We talked and caught up. Afterwards, I felt bad that I seemed to monopolize the conversation with my recovery. He said a few times that he does not think I need to quit forever. I told him I know I do. He kept saying he thinks I can control it. If we had this talk a few months ago, I would have got angry. Instead, I just explained to him that I do not want to drink. I do not need to drink. He came up with his excuses for drinking and I told him that is fine.  I have no problem with other people drinking. I have a problem with my drinking.

After dinner, I started to drive him home. I was planning to go to a meeting. He even looked up meetings for me near his home. I was about to turn towards his street and he asked where was I going. The meeting is straight. “You want to go to the meeting with me?” He said sure. This was the first time I had someone go to a meeting with me.

It was a beginners meeting. The topic was higher power and God. I thought he would enjoy this because we discuss/debate religion and religious issues a lot. I got called on and felt like I was in school and had to write an answer on the chalkboard.  I have never been to a meeting before where they randomly call on people. But I spoke about my feelings of spirituality and using energy and the universe as my higher power. (Maybe one day I will get around to make a blog about my spirituality.) After the meeting, my friend thanked me for what I said. He thought it helped balance out all the God and Jesus talk. I think he might have enjoyed the meeting even if he does not believe everyone in that room has a disease.

There was a few minutes left and I did not see anyone with a box. I whispered to him “I guess no chip.” But then the chairperson asked for a volunteer to pass out chips. A huge smile crept across my face. They started out with 18 months. Then 12. Then 6. I jumped up like it was the lottery. I was the only person in the room accepting a chip. My friend kept clapping after everyone else was finished. It felt so wonderful.

image

And then I thought I really hate my local meetings. Why do they deprive people of this awesome feeling of accepting a chip? Only 90 days and yearly chips? That does not seem like enough reinforcement.  Maybe I am just Pavlovian dog.

Mistake 182- Many years ago, I was at a party at the house of my friend that joined me at this meeting. I do not remember much (as usual). But I cheated on my girlfriend with some guy at the party. In most lesbian relationships, that is the worst betrayal. I do not remember much of the incident. The images of it are fuzzy like it didn’t really happen. Another guy witnessed it which is how I discovered what I did. Our group of friends made a joke out of it. I felt such shame because of the betrayal and the fact I had to be told by someone else what I did with my own body. Drinking controlled me. I finally gave up the losing battle of trying to control it.

Times Square and Sober

Posted in 150-180 days by

If you ever find yourself in New York City and Times Square, and need an AA meeting, there is one on 46th Street between 8th and Broadway. It is actually an Alcoholic Anonymous club! They have 10:30pm meetings which are great if you want to catch a Broadway show first.
image

image

image

It made me wish I lived in an area with late night meetings. I would make a 10:30 meeting my homegroup with my work hours.

At this meeting, a guy talked about how even with access to a full bar, he would carry his own bottle of liquor around a party as back up. I did that! For me, it was always Bacardi and Diet Coke in a bag. Maybe Malibu. I was always so scared of running out of booze.

Mistake # 171- Even though usually I was a fun drunk, sometimes I could be mean. Especially when it came to my booze. I was at a party for New Years. I had my large bottle of Barcardi for me and contributed a bottle of cheaper stuff to the party. My friends were tending the bar and said they would watch my bottle for me. After midnight, everyone was fairly drunk and the party ran out of booze. That was when I caught some people I didn’t know helping themselves to my Barcardi. You would think they were stealing my first born! I walked over to them yelling “WHO SAID YOU COULD HAVE THAT!” I was pissed off. They got scared and started apologizing. I spent the rest of the party cradling that bottle in my arms. I added some Diet Coke to the rum bottle and just drank straight from there. I might have even spit in it to claim it.

Sober Concert

Posted in 120-150 days by

A friend invited me to a concert in a park. It was free. It was a band I did not know. But I wanted to see her again. We haven’t lived in the same area for about 4 years and she was near the city I am visiting before she moves overseas.

I loved the show. And since it was in a public park, no booze. It is the kind of show most of my friends would suggest sneaking in alcohol. I have become good at hiding my drinks. Water bottles have been very useful for that.

The opening acts were dancers. Some hip hop type dancing. It was college age kids who learned the dance moves in a program from when they were teens. It was one of those programs to keep urban kids off the streets. I was impressed. I got a little teary eyed thinking “those kids are doing that sober. They are dancing and having fun. I can learn from them.”

My friend and I sat on the ground inbetween acts and caught up. I mentioned a few things about why I stopped drinking. She didn’t seem to have a problem with it. I can not remember if she ever saw me messed up but I am sure she heard the stories. Either way, she seemed more supportive than the two who I thought of as very close friends. She even said it must be nice to wake up in the morning with a clear head and not have to plan a sober driver.

Then I spotted a friend JF. I jumped up to say hello. He invited me to come join other friends that were sitting on a hill watching the concert. This is a group of party friends. They are all friends with P and C, my friends that were unsupportive all weekend. I was excited to see them but worried how they would react to my sobriety. My friend and I joined them anyway.

First, I don’t think anyone had alcohol. (Like I said, public park where it was not allowed.) Second, my sobriety never came up with them. And third, I learned that I can have fun at a concert without booze. And I CAN DANCE SOBER! The music was sort of Latino mixed with Brazilian and electronic. I was shaking my butt and moving my hips.

I am not sure how things will be at other events with these friends. But I feel JF would be supportive. He offered me drinks at an event last November and I declined because I was on a drinking break. He said “good for you!” Not like P and C who criticized me for taking a drinking break around the holidays. But it cheered me up to think I have some support in that group of friends.

Oh and I forgot… I went to an AA meeting today. It was in the back of a coffee shop. I thought it was great. I shared about my experience with P and C. I cried. A few people came up to me after to give me advice and share words. I was glad none of them told me get a sponsor or anything about working the steps. They didn’t shove the AA dogma down my throat. They told me to come back to this meeting whenever I am in the area. And for some reason, there was something about that meeting that made me think I will start trying to program more. I will wait until I move out here to get a sponsor. This meeting somehow made AA more attractive.
And they gave out chips. I think I really have resentment against the meetings back where I live for not giving chips except for 90 days and anniversaries.

Mistake 138- The day after P and C’s wedding, I spent it with the best man Playboy, two of the groomsmen and the wife of one of those groomsmen. We had lunch. I was the only one drinking beer at lunch. Then we decided to go to a park. We had all of the leftover booze from the wedding in our vehicles. We had a few bottles of wine and Solo cups. We sat in the park in the late afternoon drinking.

I was friends with the one groomsman. The married one did not seem to like me from the moment I met him. His wife was okay but seemed as if she was tolerating me. I got very paranoid about why they did not like me. My answer to the paranoia or maybe in a way to forget it was to drink more wine.

As the sun was going down, the one groomsman, who I was good friends with, had to leave. The married couple and Playboy wanted to go to a nearby casino. I should not have driven but I did. We all had separate cars. I lost them along the way.  I caught up with the three of them in the parking lot of the casino.

I think Playboy and I started to argue about something before even leaving the park. Whatever the argument was about continued in the parking lot. It continued all the way into the casino. It was something about money I owed him for some booze. I told him if we go right to the ATM, I will get him the money. The three of them were walking quickly like they wanted to get away from me. So as soon as we entered, I got stubborn and walked off to a restaurant. I stopped in the gift shop to pick up some gossip magazine (which I normally never read) to read while I ate alone. I ordered more wine with dinner. I sat there at this table alone, trying to read, and crying while I ate.

I went to my car. I knew I was in no condition to drive. I slept. Playboy came by my car and banged on the window. Then he started to yell at me for being dramatic. I told him I was in no condition to drive. But I was so upset at him waking me up, I decided to leave the casino. I drove 2 hours to my friends’ house. I do not think I was legal to drive but I guess that nap in the car sobered me up enough to not be obviously drunk.