Staying sober and single

I am starting to think I may always stay single. And I am starting to be okay with that. As long as I stay sober (and get enough sleep), I can be happy.

I find I get annoyed too easily. I don’t want men showing me photos of their kids, especially not their grandkids. Show me photos of places you have been or amazing sites you have seen to capture my attention. Sometimes I think I am not gonna find someone unless I go back to traveling. Then I could find someone with whom I have adventures in common, but they will most likely be unstable.

I went to a concert last night with a friend of a friend. When I told him I don’t drink, he asked about AA. I told him I don’t believe in AA. He gave me a lecture how it saved him from cocaine. Yet, he was sitting here drinking beer in front of someone who just confessed her problems with alcohol? I told him the “our way is the only way” attitude and lectures, like the one he was giving me, are the reasons I don’t like it. He also kept trying to talk to me during the show, even after I said “oh this is my favorite song!” I finally told him to keep quiet until the end of the show. So instead he texted and updated Facebook until his phone died. I had to put my hand to my face to block out the annoying cell phone light. I gave him a ride home and listened to a lecture about Jews being the reason for the African slave trade. Then he told me how cool I am and wondering when he could see me again. I told him I am too busy. Way too busy. Don’t think I can date until I finish school in 2020.

There were two very drunk, annoying women two rows in front of us. They kept yelling how they were sitting in the boring section. I wanted to tell them to jump over the railing to a more fun section, 30 feet below us. When I made a comment afterwards about the drunk girls, he said “oh they were just having fun.” I said at least they helped kill any desire I had to drink a beer.

Now I started a writing class, I really want to get back into blogging more. That depends on time.

Heartbroken

Even when you are not sure about a relationship, it still hurts when it ends.

And I am not even sure it was a relationship.

I met a guy back in August. We had a date for coffee the night before I left for Burning Man. He was cute. Nice. We had a great time talking. When the coffee shop closed, we went across the street to a park to keep talking. I actually did most of the talking. I apologized for monopolizing the conversation and he waved me off. He said that I was the first date he has been on in a long time that was interesting and he was enjoying my stories. I told him about my struggle with sobriety. He told me he was never much of a drinker, but he does smoke pot. I thought I could be okay with that because pot never tempted me. We talked about our families. He talked about his ex-wife and said they split up two years ago. He talked about his two boys and I talked about my job.

He offered me a ride to the airport the next day. I told him that was crazy. I was not giving him my home address after just meeting him. But an hour later, I changed my mind. He gave me a ride home. We had our first kiss. He was back 8 hours later to give me a ride to the airport. I joked that it was our 2nd date.

I spent that afternoon and the next morning in Reno getting ready for Burning Man. Both days were full of a lot of text messages with this guy. We both kept responding back and forth with sarcasm. Then he said he really liked me, was worried how much he liked me, and was willing to let us go as slow as I wanted. I responded that I really liked him too. He said these feeling scared him. He wanted to make sure we were on the same page. It all sounded very promising.

I did not text with him the 11 days I was at Burning Man. When I got back to the real world, we started the sarcastic banter again. He offered to pick me up at the airport when I got home. But I missed my flight and he was not available the time I did arrive. Then I was busy working every night. I asked if he wanted to come up to my job for my dinner break one night. He agreed but canceled a few hours before because he forgot he had to watch his sons. I wasn’t sure if that was made up or not. I decided I would not pursue him much. Let him make the next move. And he did a few days later by asking if I needed another ride to the airport. He knew I was taking a trip to Florida.

So we had another date as a 20 minute ride to the airport. This time we had a passionate kiss after he helped me with my bags. We spent the next few days texting again. More jokes and some “getting to know you” messages. I thought we were back on track to something developing. He offered to pick me up at the airport when I returned from Florida. We had plans for dinner that night and made plans for a movie the next night. Then the morning I was flying back, I got an invite from some of my Burning Man friends for a costumed pub crawl the next night. I asked the guy if he would rather do that instead going to the movie. His response was “it was not really his thing” but I should go. I told him I would rather spend time with him to get to know him. He told me I should go spend time with my Burner friends. I got upset and asked “so it went from us having a date, to me suggesting an alternative, to you canceling the date?” He said we can discuss it at dinner after the airport.

The dinner went great. Again, we had great conversations. I told him that I would rather go to the movies with him if he was not into a pub crawl or costumes. Besides, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in pubs with Burner friends after relapsing at Burning Man. He drove me home and we ended the evening with a lovely kiss. I texted him later to thank him for the night.

The next morning, he told me he didn’t think things would work out between us. He is too much of a introvert for this to go very far. He could keep pretending to be interesting until we had sex but he doesn’t think anything besides a great sex life would be achieved. I was hurt and confused. Everything seemed to be back on track the previous night. Now the pages were all mixed up. What did I do to make him change his mind? Was inviting him to a pub crawl with friends too soon? Or the idea of costumed Burners too much? I started to doubt myself and get upset.

I did not respond to his message. I went to the pub crawl. I told my friends about it and they assured me I was better off without him. We joked that I should dress up in costume for all my first dates now. And I got drunk. I decided I would just continue my Burning Man relapse since I could still smell playa dust on my costume. I made out with some Irish bartender that I barely remember. I remember giving him my number. He never called.

Next day, I jumped back onto sobriety. I swore up and down that I “am serious” now. I am avoiding the Burning Man parties until I get more sobriety under my belt. But I did something lower than drinking. I texted the guy saying maybe we could just start to get together for sex. I have not had good sober sex since I first quit drinking January 2014. I had bad sober sex and some good drunk sex when I relapsed. (Or I think it was good?) But kissing this guy turned me on so I threw away my dignity and offered to have sex with this guy, who basically just told me he didn’t think we should see each other. We set up a sex date for a week later on my next night off work.

We did not even text each other that week. I am not gonna go into much details, but we did have sex the night as planned. It was okay. I returned to my old way of thinking: the thoughts of “he will like me more after we have sex.” It was like my pussy was some man-trap. “Once he gets some of this, he will want to be my boyfriend.” I even had sex with him in my brand-new bed that I was keeping “virginal” until I was in a relationship.  We discussed getting STD tested. I went to Planned Parenthood and got myself tested. He said he would too. I took that promise as a sign and stopped using condoms. (It helped the sex go from okay to great.) I started thinking of vacations together and when I would meet his kids. I started to mentally build this into something serious when I was the one that agreed to having him come over for just sex.

A few days later, I asked him to come over to help me move some furniture. I bought a desk from Ikea but the box was too heavy to get up to my apartment. He helped one morning and as soon as we got it inside my place, we started pawing at each other. We had sex again. Afterwards, he offered to build the desk for me. I made him lunch to thank him. I remember sitting in my kitchen with this guy, in an after-sex glow, feeling lucky. I felt I found a real relationship finally. Then he had to go help someone else move furniture that evening. I did not pry or ask. I did not want to be a nag. We had a great kiss as he left.

I did not hear from him for 4 days. (And that was a response to something funny I texted him.) Then tonight, I texted him after meeting an author at a book signing. I wanted to share my excitement because I was reading her book when I first met him.  Two hours later he responded “i love you too. hard to keep my hands off of you.”

First, I thought he was moving too fast. We don’t know each other enough to be in love. Then I realized he meant that text for someone else. I asked if he was seeing someone else. No response. I asked if he even had his boys tonight or was that  lie. He responded asking me to come over.

I did not know where he lived at this point. I wasn’t sure if I should or not. Was that “i love you” actually meant for me? Does he want me to come over to say that to my face? How would I respond? I asked if he was sure he wanted me over. He said yes, his boys were in bed. OHMYGOD he is having me over while his boys are there? What if they wake up and see me? I thought that was a good sign. He texted me his address.

He answered the door in a t-shirt and underwear. He looked good. We talked in the kitchen for thirty minutes about the author and my meeting her. Then we moved to the bedroom to keep our conversation from waking the boys in the next room. After more small talk, I finally asked him about the text message. He and the boys were out earlier and ran into someone and yes, that text message was meant for her. I asked if he was seeing someone else. He said he isn’t really seeing anyone. I felt sick and stupid. Why did I push for this to be something? I told him when we talked about getting STD testing, I thought it meant something. Then I even took the blame saying “I guess I should have asked you then if you were seeing someone else.” I told him I felt dumb for not using a condom the last few times. He said he knows he is safe and the “others” are safe. I did not want to fight with him that there is no way to know if others are safe unless you are committed. I asked him if there are a lot others and his response was “not a handful.” So at least 2 or 3 other women is what I guess. And I wonder if one is his “ex-wife”. Perhaps she is the one he meant to send that text. I asked about her and what happened. They are still married but separated. He was miserable when they were together but they get along fine now that he moved out. Maybe he is just taking a break from the marriage and I was one of the pawns he wanted to play with.

I keep thinking back to those texts messages when I was in Reno. All that talk about how much he liked me and wanted to know if we were on the same page. I should have let it all go after he told me it wasn’t going to work. I can not force someone to feel something for me. I was fantasizing about this turning into something but I let sexual desire drive me to make mistakes. I still want to insist that he get HIV tested. But as soon as I left his house, I deleted his number and texts. He doesn’t seem ready for the same thing I am wanting. And we are not on the same page. Not even the same chapter.

Since this is a blog about my sobriety, I guess I need to add that none of this makes me want to drink. I just feel sad and stupid. I also think I need to start going to meetings more and really try to meet people. I need to dedicate myself to meditation. On that note, I bought a tranquility fountain of a Buddha tonight after I got his text message but before going to his house.

Metta.

Total Abstinence

Yesterday after being upset about a hopeful relationship ending before it even began, I read a great chapter in my book One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin.  The chapter is about step seven but he brings up relationships failing in sobriety.  He was given a tape of a psychotherapist Terry Gorsky, whom I googled and found his name is actually spelt Gorski. I then ordered a book by Mr Gorski which should arrive in a few days.

The advice my book gives from Mr Gorski is that “the place to start building a good relationship was the beginning.  Specifically,  he suggested no sex for the initial stages.”

See, I have been happy that I have been able to date sober. And I have been wondering what it would be like to finally have satifying, sober sex. I think I have been focusing on that achievement more than actually wanting a relationship.  I mean, I do want a real relationship. I want to find someone to make me laugh and happy. I want someone that will accentuate me. But I think I have been concentrating more on the physical attraction with these men. I was not establishing the foundation of a long term relationship; I was fixating on wanting someone that turned me on instantly.

The guy who told me “it would not work” between us was very sexy. I am sure I would have had sex with him if we had another date because I told myself I deserved it. I thought a year of sobriety would make finding love easier. I thought if I had sex sober, I would not regret it like I regretted most of my blacked-out encounters . I blamed my alcoholism for all my relationship problems. But rushing into relationships was another fault I had. I did not know how to take things slow. I did not know how to wait. I did not have patience.

Another suggestion Gorsk[i] made was to avoid people who triggered intense sexual longing because such partners wound up setting off an addictive pattern of craving, bingeing, and eventual revulsion. Instead, he suggested that you date people who you liked to spend time with on a friendly basis…

Reading this helped me a lot yesterday! I was telling myself I did not want to follow those dating “rules” that everyone has been suggesting: make a man wait for sex. I thought those rules sounded like games. Why would I make him wait if I wanted sex?

Reading this section made me wonder if that was why all my relationships have failed? (Well, that and the drinking!) I slept with all my boyfriends and girlfriends almost right after meeting them. And when the sexual excitement fizzled, I got bored. I filled that boredom with drinking and cheating. And lying. But lying usually follows the cycle of drinking.

So no sex. No sober sex. No drunk sex. I wonder what Gorski says about self-sex?

I am sure I will blog about what I read in his book when it arrives. And I will keep my blogged updated how this sober, chaste dating thing goes.

My 1 year coin

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I finally got my coin!

It is a used one though. I am not gonna worry about that. I went to a Big Book meeting and when it came my turn to read and share, I mentioned I just passed a year sober and would live info on how to get a coin. A guy walked up to me after and gave me his. He told me to give it to someone else who needs it one day.

But I still want a ceremony!

Maybe when I go visit my sister, we will find a meeting and get me a new coin with bells and whistles. Like I have said before, my area AA meetings suck for getting coins!

I felt I had to go to a meeting today. I sort of got dumped. I was not in a real relationship though. He is a guy I went out with about a month ago. I started to really like him. He made me laugh a lot. He is smart, artistic, and very cute. He had a smile that melted my heart (and other body parts.) Plus he doesn’t drink alcohol!

Due to my traveling and then him traveling, we haven’t seen each other since our first date. We were supposed to see each other last night but he texted me in the afternoon that he had to work late. Then he texted me at midnight that he was finished and was wondering where I was. I was too far away. But this morning, I started to wonder if he canceled because he had another date. I texted him and asked. He said no, he was working, but then texted he doesn’t think this is going to work out. We live an hour and half from each other and have conflicting schedules. I was hurt. I started to cry. Did I come off as too jealous? He said he would be still interested in “just hooking up.” I told him I am too good for that.

Logically, he is right. It most likely would not work out. Besides the distance and rarely having time for each other, there is a religious difference. He is Muslim and while I am not sure how serious, I know I would never convert. And all my Muslim men friends have told me a woman must convert to marry a Muslim man.

I am still sad. I deleted his number. Deleted all the photos he sent me of him. Deleted our messages. I am glad I am sober to be able to handle this.