Mothers Day

Happy Mother’s day too all moms living in countries where it is celebrated today. I spent last Monday with my mom to celebrate because I am working this weekend. I also think of this day as a day I am thankful I am not a mom. 

Mistake 110- I was staying at my sister’s house for a few months. My mom spent weeknights there. I went out one night to meet up with a friend that was visiting the city. We met at a pub. He had a friend traveling with him.  We all got drunk. I ended up bringing his friend back to the house. I do not remember much but we had sex in the kitchen. The room my mom stayed in was right above the kitchen. I remember my mom yelling my name down the steps from upstairs. He and I stopped, or maybe we were already done, and I yelled up it was me and just having some drinks with a friend. She went back to bed. I have no idea if she knew what was going on. He and I slept on the couch so she knew it was a male friend when she left for work in the morning.

This sounds like some teenage or college antic. I was 32 or 33 years old. It always seemed more shameful thinking my mom might have known about my drunken defects.  

Society Scoffs

I was talking with a coworker, who has a masters in Psychology, about addictions the other day . She said even if someone stays away from alcohol or drugs, they will always be an addict because they “do not have morals” and keep their addictive ways.

Then tonight, a coworker, said her uncle fell off the wagon. Another coworker said “well he is a lost cause.”

In two nights, two negative comments. Then I remember why I do not tell people that I am struggling with recovery. Amongst all their jokes about getting drunk and asking if my lemon water has vodka in it, I never say “I can’t drink alcohol.” I am not sure if I am embarrassed or just do not want to deal with their unfavorable attitudes. I would like to stand up for all alcoholics and addicts but then I worry how it would affect my work environment. A mistake is made and “oh must be her fault cause she is the alcoholic.” (Never mind all the mistakes I have been catching lately that coworkers have been making!)

Sometimes I think when I go back to school,  I might want to studying addiction. Maybe become a therapist or counselor.  Maybe try to help society overcome the stigma of addiction. Start finding real help and treatment rather than just punishment. I was informed that insurance through my job would cover rehab. For 72 hours. Who they hell can get cleaned in 72 hours?

TH06_THERN_ALCOHOL__381025f

Mistake 109- I met a friend at a festival in 2010. We met up again a few months later for a Halloween parade. He is very hot. Brazilian and young. When I first met him, I thought he was gorgeous. But I am 15 years older than him and I do not look like Demi Moore. I have no chance with him. Plus, he dates young, hot girls.

He joined me for this parade. I got drunk. Before he arrived, I was describing him to my friends as “the hot Brazilian.” He joined us for a bit. I kept drinking and think I remember still referring to him as “Hot” when he was there. I think I started to even hit on him. I do not remember but he left and has avoided meeting up with me ever since. We have been in the same city several times since 2010 and even same city on the other side of the globe. But he never replies to my requests to meet up.

I asked one of my other friends that was there at the parade what happened. She said “You were so funny. Yea you kept hitting on him but nothing out of the ordinary for you.” But I think it was enough to make him feel uncomfortable. He probably thinks of me as the old, drunk woman. Hopefully, I can make amend with him one day.

Education

I signed up for online courses. Two classes via a community college. I am nervous because I do not know if I have the self discipline to do online classes. Plus, I graduated college twelve years ago. I am worried it has been so long that I do not remember how to study.

Yet at the same time, I am excited. I love learning. The classes are art history and comparative religion. I will enjoy these subjects. And I keep thinking I will do well simply because I am not drinking alcohol anymore.

This is a step towards returning to school next year to further my degree. I want to bring up my GPA to get in a school. When I was in college, I was satisfied with passing. I was not concerned about wanting to continue my education later. I just wanted to get the grades to graduate. I partied too much. I look forward to studying sober and not going to class hungover.

So many frat parties. So many drunk nights. So many one-night stands. I started blackouts almost immediately after I started drinking at 18. I thought that drinking was how I got people to like me. It made up for being a loner and good girl in high school.

Mistake 108- I think it was my first one-night stand with a stranger. I woke up in this guy’s dorm room. He wasn’t there because he was in the shower. His roommate was laying on a bed across the room watching a Disney movie. I think Lion King? I felt lost and scared. I did not know where I was.

When the guy returned, I asked him what happened. He said “you don’t remember?” I told him last thing I remember was being at a Sig Ep party. He said we met there and came back to his room. We had sex. He said then I passed out. A few guys in the dorm wanted to have sex with me after I passed out but he wouldn’t let them. I thanked him. Almost twenty years later, I can remember the shame I felt.

He took me to lunch on campus. All I can remember is he was Russian and a music major. I do not remember his name. I turned the embarrassment of sex with a stranger around to “wow, my first sexual experience with a foreigner.” I just do not remember the experience.

I saw him a couple times on campus. I always avoided him.

Sober Bracelet

I have started to pack up my room and clean out my closet. (Literally. Not a sober metaphor.) I have to move out of my place by May 31. My plan is to rent rooms on AirBnB for the days I work and travel out of the area on my days off. Not a stable life but I can do it for two months. I am going to store the things that I will not need at my mom’s and just keep clothing, books and my laptop with me.

While cleaning, I found a bracelet a friend made for my birthday last year. I spent my birthday in the city I wanted to move to but couldn’t due to my DUIs preventing me from getting a job. Anytime I see anything about that city, or even the name of the state, I am reminded of why I quit drinking. This bracelet is a beaded bracelet with the name of the city. She made it as a welcoming gift. I will now wear it as my sober bracelet. Seeing the name of the city on my wrist will be a constant reminder of what my drinking problem has done to my life.

Mistake 107- The night before my last birthday, I got in a huge fight with one of my good friends. I do not remember if we went out or just got drunk at their place. I was dating his roommate. I think the fight originated with my accusations that he did not want me and his roommate together. I have known both of them for more than a decade. I thought he was jealous.

The arguing was ugly. A lot of cruel words were thrown around and insults were flying. The screaming escalated to my refusal to stay there. I called for a taxi. I went to a hotel I stayed at ten years ago. The price of a room increased. It was $200 a night now when it was $70 a night my previous stay. I then took a taxi back to the apartment. I decided I would sleep in the back of my friend’s truck. But I found my friend sleeping there. My boyfriend was standing outside asking the roommate to coming back inside. He saw me and told me to go up to his room. He didn’t want us fighting out there.

We both returned to the apartment but I hid in the my boyfriend’s bedroom. I kept drunk posting on Facebook about the fighting (not always readable) and stating that this was my “worst birthday EVER!” My boyfriend was trying to play referee. I cried myself to sleep.

So I woke up on my birthday with red, puffy eyes and hungover. I tried to sneak out of the apartment because I had a hair appointment. But I could not find the keys to the truck my boyfriend and and the roommate shared. My friend was past out on the couch. He woke up and threw me the keys which were in his pocket. I felt so horrible during the appointment. I read my Facebook while my head was under the dryer and deleted all my drunk posts. But there were emails of mutual friends wanting explanations. I told everyone I was not sure what happened. I was just too drunk.

My friend did not want to come to my birthday dinner that night. My boyfriend insisted I tell him I wanted him to join. I told him “please join us” but I never said sorry. We just sort of swept the fight under the rug and never discussed it.

On my birthday, the three of us went to dinner with some of my friends. At dinner, I received the bracelet. The three of us went out for drinks after dinner and got drunk again. But we all got along. There are photos of us smiling and laughing together.

One night, I was a drunk, dramatic monster. The next, happy birthday girl.

Pompous Octopus

I had a friend that made a post on Facebook about the 10 year anniversary of his company. I would not have even noticed it if he did not tag me in it. I turned off following his profile because of his narcissism. I was also very annoyed with the last time we met up.

I had to visit his city last autumn. I was on a “drinking break” but not attempting sobriety yet. I asked if I could stay with him. He told me his roommate might be having someone stay on the couch but I am welcomed to share his bed. I saw no problem with that arrangement. We have known each other a long time and used to have casual sex back in the day. But that was ten years ago. I did not want to have sex with him on this visit or ever again. In fact, I never planned to have sex with him back in the day. It was always drunk sex. I used to always describe him as pompous but a fun drinking buddy. Unfortunately, meeting at the pub usually lead to waking up with him in my bed. I always regretted it but kept drinking with him.

During this last visit, we meet up at a bar. He was slightly drunk. He introduced me to some other drunk friends. I managed to drink my diet Cokes and felt proud I was not drinking beers with them. I told everyone I was not drinking for 2 months to prove to myself I could do it. (These past 106 sober days would have seemed impossible at that time.) But I was tired so we eventually said farewell to his bar buddies (that he just met) and I followed him to his place in my rental car. He insisted he was okay to drive and he got home fine. We walked into his apartment and his roommate was sitting on the couch. She was alone. She did not have someone staying on the couch like he said. That should have been a warning flag. After brief introduction, I went to the bedroom and to the bed that I was to share to sleep.

I did not sleep well that night. He spent the whole night touching me. He kept his hand on my butt or trying to wrap his arms around me.THANK GOD I was sober. I dozed a little but was unable to completely sleep because I was not sure where his hands would go next. I should have said something but I was tired. I should have got up and left but I did not have money for a hotel. I did not want to upset him but I was mad. Did he make up that story about his roommate’s friend on the couch to get me into his bed?

I woke up the morning and left for my meeting. I got to the meeting early so I could nap in the car in the parking lot. After my meeting, I texted my ex-boyfriend to see if I could stay with him that night. I should have stayed with him in the first place but I was worried that would be too hard. I still had feelings for him. I thought it would be easier to stay with the friend with the roaming hands. But I did not want to fight Mr Octopus again. The Ex welcomed me into his place and I gave some excuse to Pompous Octopus. I have not seen him since.

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

actual octopus I saw diving in Thailand

In this tag on Facebook, he commented that summer he started his company, he refers to as the “Summer of Sin”. He credited me and another friend as the reasons. I felt nauseous. I do not want to be memorialized by him for intoxicated intercourse. I do not want to be memorialized for sex I can not remember. Did we really have that much drunk sex for him to think about me when thinking of a whole summer? It makes me sick and sad. I want to be known for my accomplishments and personality. Not my blackouts and debauchery.

I met up with Pompous Octopus in 2008 in another city. It was Christmas weekend. I had some friends staying with me and we took two cars to a bar near him. It was a thirty minute drive. We all had fun. I did not drink much because I was driving. (It was still close enough after my 2nd DUI for me to be a responsible driver.) I invited Pompous to come to Christmas dinner with us the next night at a friend’s house. I explained there would be people from all over the world at the dinner. He accepted the invitation and asked about coming back to my place with us that night. Since my living was full of my friends, I told him he could share my bed. Then he had roaming hands that night. I was mad because I spent the whole evening talking about my new boyfriend. He knew I was dating someone but still thought he had a chance with me. The next morning, he asked if I could give him a ride to his place, an hour away, so he could change his clothes. Once we got there, he changed his mind and said he was going to skip dinner and stay home. Again, I was mad. He never wanted to join us for dinner. He just wanted to get in my bed. He never offered me gas money either.

Thinking back on all of this, I wonder why I stay friends with him. Why do I stay friends with a lot of people?

Mistake # 106- All and any times I had drunk sex with him. I was not attracted to him when sober. We became friends because we both like to get drunk and lived near each other. I do not blame him for the drunk sex. I just do not know why I kept hanging out with a guy when I kept repeating the same regrets.

New Mug and Sober Triggers

My mom came to visit yesterday. She brought me this gift: Purple Flower Mug

(In case you can not read the picture, the mug says “The Best Things in Life are the people we love, the places we’ve been  and the memories we’ve made along the way.”)

It is a large mug and she knows I like large mugs. Plus she knows I like purple. But the message was the best part for me. Having memories is so much better than blackouts!  And I have a new mug for all my herbal teas.

The visit was nice. She again asked how the “not drinking thing” is going and how I feel. I sometimes worry I talk too much about my sobriety with her but I like having her as an outlet. I can not discuss it at work and my friends on Facebook still seem uncomfortable with it.

The only thing she said that annoyed me was “It is a shame. That is what people do. Meet out for drinks.” I told her I can still go out and I am even willing to go to places with alcohol. I will just order water with lemon. I have to just keep reminding myself I can not drink just like her boyfriend, who is diabetic, has to avoid certain foods. Or anyone with an allergy has to avoid certain things.

I kept trying to share with her some of my drunk stories to stress to her how much I drank. When we used to share a bottle of wine, she would have a glass and I would drink the rest. She seems to block out the times I spent at her house sleeping all day after being up all night emptying her wine rack. She always thought of my DUIs as unfortunate mistakes. Maybe she is worried if she admits I have a problem, it is somehow her fault?

I am realizing that when I do finally get around to working on the 12 steps, I really need to make amends to her even if she does not recognize it. “Sorry mom for all those times you were worried when I was out drinking. Sorry for making you drive 6 hours away to bail me out of jail. Sorry for you returning to that city for my court date.  Sorry for all I put you through.”

After she left, I went to the grocery store. I was stocking up on veggies and ingredients for salads. I am determined to drop weight in the next month. I have a reunion June 7. I also bought some unsweetened tea and large gallon of water. I am going to put lemon, lime, mint, and cucumbers in the jug of water. Then I am gonna drink at least half of it each day. Keep refilling it. Hope it helps.

I walked past the beer section in the store. I glanced at some summer ale. For a brief second, I thought “I could just stop. I could just give up this sober thing. I could always try again later.” But I kept walking. I thought I worked too hard to stop now. This “sobriety thing” needs to be a forward thing. No backpedaling. No breaks. I do not want to think of the self-loathing that would follow if I drank that beer.

I picked up my last item but the sober-drink battle kept floating in my brain. It was not really a battle. Just a lingering thought. Just images of me sitting in bars. Just one drink in my hand.

Then a man passed me. He was wearing a hat from a university I used to want to attend. A university in a city that I was planning to move to until plans changed in January. That was when I found out I could not get the job I wanted because of my two DUIs. They said it did not matter how long ago the DUIs were. My plans for the job and moving there were canceled. That was when I decided to get sober. And seeing his hat was a reminder of why I quit drinking alcohol. It triggered me back to happy, sober land. I do not want anymore plans changed or futures ruined from my drunk mistakes. I am gonna keep being sober and even if my life does not become perfect, it will be a hell of a lot better than where it was going. I actually want to be alive.

Now I am gonna enjoy some mint tea.

Mistake # 105- I graduated college. My mom came to my graduation with my sister and nephew who was a baby. They stayed at a hotel. I joined them to stay in the room one night. My sister and I waited until my mom and the baby fell asleep. Then we snuck out of the hotel. I wanted to celebrate! Two women in their mid-twenties sneaking out like teenagers.

We went down to some bars that were walking distance. (I had a restricted driver license because this was after my first DUI.) We got drunk. We met some guys. They tried to invite us back to their place. We declined because we knew our mom would be too upset if we were not back by morning. We stumbled in the hotel room after last call at 2am. We tried to be quiet but for some reason, drunk people sound like elephants even when tip toeing. We woke my mom and she just warned us not the wake the baby. We slept in until the afternoon the next day while she took the baby out for breakfast and shopping. My sister and I got drunk again that night. Maybe the birth of my nephew distracted my mom from me and my sister’s alcoholism.

Getting Over Being Lonely

The other day I wrote about how it sucks to be sober and single. It is hard to meet anyone even though I know that I should not be focusing my energy on meeting someone. I need to be vigilant about my sobriety and do not need a boy (or girl) messing that up. But I have been lonely the past three months. And honestly, it is more about being horny than wanting companionship.fuck buddy

Makes me realize there have been times where I wanted to be with someone and I drank to get the courage to make a move. Or if they shot me down, “I was drunk” was my excuse for being so foolish. Not all of my one-night stands were drunken mistakes. With my low self-image, I felt like I accomplished something if a drunk person I wanted slept with me. I have had some boyfriends complain that I had to get drunk to have sex. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian.

I have an ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for a year and half, and I got him drunk the first night we had sex. We started the night sharing a bottle of wine, which was actually the two of us chugging it while waiting in line for a concert. Once inside, I kept buying two beers in the beer line with the excuse it was to save time. He did not have much money because he was traveling. I encouraged him to drink some of my two cups. I do not remember when our first kiss was and the first sex that night was lousy. I thought it was going to be one night but then we started traveling together and it turned into a relationship. But I always questions his TRUE feelings for me and said “if I did not get you drunk that first night, we would never be together!” It is not a good way to start a loving, commitment.

To solve my “dating” sober problem, I asked a friend for help. Isn’t part of recovery reaching out and asking for help?

I texted him: “Trying to figure out how to ask this and if you say no, no problem. But I am finding trying to date sober sucks. Would it ever be okay to come visit for a booty call?”

I did not realize he did not have my phone number saved in his phone. Thankfully he guessed who it was. I responded that it is a good thing he doesn’t have many sober friends. He did not think I was serious. When I assured him I was, he said I can visit whenever for what any reason.

But his best response was “you’re not giving up on sobriety, are you?” That made me so happy. It made me think he is more concerned for my sobriety than getting laid. That is a good friend. A good friend with benefits! He can be my temporary playtoy. My sex sponsor.

I am just really nervous how this is going to work sober. I have had “fuck buddies” in the past but alcohol was always involved. Sober sex? I guess I need to learn to get used to a lot of activities in a sober state. Sober dancing. Sober concerts. Sober knitting.

Just kidding. I do not know how to knit. But maybe I can learn.

Mistake # 104- I lost my purse with my wallet and a nice jacket from London, but not my phone. I was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. I do not remember if the night started out with friends but I know I was in the bar alone when kicked out. Since I had no wallet, I could not pay for a taxi. I drunk texted a few friends asking for a ride. One guy offered to come pick me up to take me home. Then another friend offered me a ride. I replied “it’s okay, a fuck friend is picking me up.” But I accidentally sent the text to the friend that was picking me up. He wrote back “I hope that is not how you think of me.”

I waited for him, sitting on the sidewalk, with my back leaning against the wall. I jumped up when his car pulled up and ran to his car. I apologized for the drunk text and thanked him for picking me up. Then I drunkenly explained we were two friends that had casual sex so we sort of were “fuck friends.” Our friendship fizzled out after that night.

No more drunk texts is one of my favorite sober benefits.

May the 4th Be With You

Today is known as Star Wars day to fans of the Sci-fi movies. I usually celebrate with drinks named for Star Wars characters and costumes. This year, I put my hair in Princess Leia buns at work. I joked that I had the Jedi force all night.
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But it got me thinking of having a force to stay sober. Maybe for people who have a hard time believing in a god as a higher power, they could believe in a Jedi higher power.

Yoda has a lot of great wisdom that could be used when dealing with sobriety.

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Drinking definitely was a dark side for me. It caused so much evil in my life. And it has a strong power. “Consume you it will.”

When I feel I need to drink, maybe I need to picture a little Yoda sitting next to me. He will tell me to use the force to stay sober.  “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” I will play Jedi mind tricks on the urge to drink.

Sober-Inspiration-Yoda

Mistake # 103- A few years ago, I dated a guy that was a big Star Wars fan. We got along okay but his low self-esteem was very annoying and he was very clingy. I was moving away anyway so we broke up.

I was back in town and invited him to join me and friends at a bar. The night was going well. We were having fun. We were drinking a lot of beers. Then I got drunk. I remember a little bit about fighting with him. But I do not know why.

The next morning I woke up on my friend’s couch. I asked her what happened. She said I ran out of the bar and he followed. She came out and found us fighting by her car. She said I was yelling at him “See! This is why I broke up with you!” She did not know what we were fighting about but the scene was dramatic. I complained about him the whole drive to her place. She said she doubted I will ever hear from him again.

yodaThen I found a text from him apologizing. He said he was not sure what happened but he was sorry. I felt so ashamed for the scene I cause but also was annoyed that he was apologizing for my drunken behaviour. His low self-esteem again? But that does not excuse my bitchy performance. It reminds me I need to work on my self-esteem if I am going to live a good, sober life.

 

Sober + Single = SUCKS

I know it is suggested to not start any new relationship the first year of sobriety. But I hate feeling so lonely. So I have been trying to go on dates. I figure I am not looking for a real relationship or anything serious now so it will not affect my sobriety. I am only living here for another three months. I want to find someone temporarily. Like a rental partner.

But I am not sure what is worse: sober and lonely or sober and rejected.

I have been messaging with some guys. My dating profile says I do not drink but most guys still ask me out for drinks. I figure I will accept the invitation and then drink tonic with lemon. But so far the dates have not happened. They change the plans or ask me to go out of my way to meet them. They all decline to meet for dinner.

I had one date but it was disappointing. We met for coffee but I will not see him again. He kept trying to finish my sentences and barely made eye contact. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was turned off by my looks so much that he kept looking around the restaurant or out the window. He might have been shy or uncomfortable, but it made me feel undesirable.

I have a profile on another dating site. This site matches people and then has stages of questions before exchanging emails. A few guys have begun the question process. But most break off the match after a few stages. Some break it off right after I send them questions. Was it something I said?

It has been deflating my ego. I usually think I am a good looking woman but starting to worry maybe I am looking old. Maybe men my age only want younger women. Maybe men think a woman who doesn’t drink is boring. Maybe only drunk men would be interested in me.

I felt lonely for my 100th day of sobriety. No one to celebrate it with in real life. No hugs. And it means it has been more than 100 days since I’ve had sex. The last few times I had sex, I was drunk and do not remember it. But abstaining from alcohol and sex is very boring. If they are going to go hand in hand forever, I’d rather be drunk.

I decided to get rid of one source of rejection. I deleted the one dating profile. Now I do not need to worry about flakey guys blowing me off. I actually rather enjoy a good book at dinner than suffer through a bad date. The other dating site is a paid account. So I am stuck with it for a few months. But I deleted the app on my phone so I will not be tempted to check so often and be let down as much.

I need to focus on bettering myself and not meeting new people. Reading. Writing. Exercising. Once I am more stable in my sobriety and understand who I am, I can discover another person.

But I am still lonely. I might search for old playmates to keep me company.

Mistake # 102 – I had a date with a guy I met online. He was a child psychologist. He was very good looking. Very nice. He was also a published photographer. A very successful guy that asked me out.

I showed up at the restaurant drunk. I actually drove there. The date seemed to go well. He invited me back to his place. It wasn’t too far but I followed him in my car. I remember concentrating real hard to try to drive straight. Parallel parking was very difficult.

We drank very nice wine. We drank lots of the wine. He showed me his books of photographs. I remember staring at a nice framed photo on his wall when he kissed me.

Then I do not remember much. I woke up the next day on his couch with my dress laying next to me. He came out from his bedroom to ask how I was feeling. I told him I had a headache. He offered me some ibuprofen and water. I thanked him. I left. I never asked what happened. I assume we had sex but I might have passed out before anything happened.

He texted me about an hour after I left to make sure I got home okay. I apologized for being so drunk that night. He made a comment that I seemed very wasted. I admitted I drank some before dinner and hoped I could make it up to him another time. He said he did not think that would be a good idea.

Maybe drunk dating is worse than sober dating for me.

Worship the Bar

Mistake # 101- I was in Queenstown,  New Zealand. I met a guy earlier that day on a bungee jump. I invited him to come out for drinks with me and my friend that night.

He arrived with a friend. I did not realize my friend invited a guy she met that day. She was off and busy with that guy dancing, drinking or making out. I was left to talk to the guy I met and his friend.

This guy was Irish. I remember this because he asked me what was my religion. I thought that was an odd question to ask someone you just met. I told him I had no religion. He asked “are you Catholic or Protestant?” as if those were the only two choices. I told him I was baptized Catholic but do not consider myself Catholic. He said “oh no, that is good enough. You are Catholic.” I got a bit offended.

“No, just because my parents made a choice for me while I was in diapers does not make me Catholic. This is my religion” as I pointed at the bar

I held my arms up towards the bar. I said I pray to the bartender gods. The drink menu is my bible. I actually got on my knees and started to bow towards the bottles of alcohol on the shelf. I stood up laughing. The guy and his mate just stared at me.

“I guess religion isn’t something to discuss when you first meet” he said.

We switched the topic to travel. He told me he was in Thailand last and on his way to Australia next. I said I was in Thailand in 1996.

“What, were you TEN?”

No, I was about 20. He then asked how old I was. I truthfully answered I was 31.

“WHAT! I am 24. I JUST turned 24 a few days ago. I thought you were 25 or 26 at most.”

Why thank you! I told him happy belated birthday. I said I was going to go to the bar for another drink. Would he like me to buy him a birthday drink. He said no thanks.

I grabbed a drink. Then I stopped to find my friend. I told her I predicted this night would end early. First he was upset about religion and now seems mad about my age. She told me not to worry and she returned to snogging her guy.

I went back to where I left the guys. They were gone. I looked around. I checked the bar. By the bathrooms. The dance floor. I waited to see if they would return. After 15 minutes, I realized they ditched me. I returned to my friend.

“I am too old to be here. Most of this bar is young 20s.” She told me to drink up. I will feel better.

This bar had a fun drink special. There was a flyer with photos of 10 pop icons. Each was the name of a drink. When you order one, they stamped the photo. After you ordered all 10, you got a free teapot. This was an actual large teapot full of a mixed drink. You pour the drink out of the spout into a small cup. I think they are meant to be shared. I made it my goal to get that free teapot.
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After about 6 drinks, my friend told me she was leaving for a shag. She said sorry. Then she left me at the bar alone. I sat at the bar, by myself, finishing off the pop icon drinks. I won my teapot. I sat there drinking it alone. I started crying. A guy I knew sat down next to me to ask if I was okay. I started to blab about being too old and men suck and he should just go away cause no one wants me. I guess he got up and left which made me cry more.

I left after that teapot but did not want to go back to my room. I was sharing a room with 7 other girls. I wanted to cry alone. So I went to the beach. It was a bit chilly. But I laid on the beach and cried and cried and cried. I remember looking at the water and contemplating going in. I wondered if a good swimmer could still drown. Or maybe I should go drink more until I could drown myself.

I kept thinking I was too old to be there and I will be alone forever. I did not see a point in living. But I was also worried what my friends would think if I failed. What if I just made an ass of myself? I started to picture the Kiwi papers “Drunk American Hospitalized For Hypothermia After Lame Suicide Attempt.” Fear of failure kept me from hurting myself.

I returned to my room a little before daybreak. I slept away most of the day with a hangover. I drowned my sorrows in those mixed drinks but thankfully not enough to drown myself.
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