Awkward

Yesterday, I got a nasty letter from a family member. I am not going to go info the details, but it got me very upset. I sat in my car crying for awhile. Then I thought a spinning class would help exercise out my feelings. But no classes starting nearby soon. I then thought yoga would help. Again, no classes available.  Instead I decided to go to an AA meeting.

I have been to this meeting previously. It is near my work and has meetings that end right before I go to work. It was an okay meeting and I even shared. It was a large group. I started to consider making it my home group. I left it feeling better.

Then an hour later, I got an email on a dating website.  It was a guy that I exchanged a few emails with a few months ago and then he deleted his account. It was a simple, friendly email asking how I was doing. I told him I have been busy with work, school and traveling.

Then this morning, he replies that he think he saw me at the AA meeting. He said he recognized me from the website. He restarted his account just to message me. Next time I see him at a meeting, I should say hi.

I thought AA meant Alcoholics ANONYMOUS!  His message made me feel so awkward.  What if somone else recognizes me? What if it is a crazy guy from a dating site that starts to stalk me? What if somone from work sees me leaving there? They know I am not Christian so it would seem odd that I am hanging out in a church right before work.

I regretted sharing. I am not going to those meetings anymore. Not sure if I want to go to any in this area now. It would seem like this should be a happy moment like “oh you finally met a guy” but he did not seem interested in seeing me again besides bumping into each other at a meeting. Why did he have to message me? He could have said something at the meeting or waited until we did bumped into each other. I want to delete my dating site account. I don’t want to take that chance anymore.

And I feel depression is hitting me again. I am avoiding Facebook now cause one more engagement or pregnancy announcement might push me over to edge. I am starting to be tired of being alone.

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5 thoughts on “Awkward

  1. Oh no! With the most gentle respect, maybe you are over-reacting a bit? The guy is there also, so you are one in the same. He did not “out” you to anyone else. I am thinking he was just trying to connect with you 🙂 If he seems nice in all other regards, why not make a new sober friend? Sometimes when one thing jars me emotionally, I can be extra sensitive to other events. Take a few deep breaths and consider your helpfulness to each other a people moving ahead in sobriety. Much love 🙂

    • I already had problems with guys from dating websites including one stalking me. I do not need a guy I barely know finding out where I might spend my afternoons. Or finding out where I work. I had someone years ago tell me not to go to meetings near work but only because of my job. I am not going to go into those details because I like to try to stay as anonymous as possible. Online dating hasn’t seemed to work for me anyway so I am going to delete my account once my subscription runs out. I am already feeling super depressed because I do not think I am ever going to find a relationship in sobriety. I am so close to wanting to just go to a bar and get drunk and meet a guy. Fuck the blackouts. It might be the start of something. At least end my loneliness.

      And I feel if this guy was reaching out, he would have suggested we meet for coffee. Not just a message “I saw you… I know your secret.” I replied to him telling him how it makes me awkward and I don’t think I will go to that meeting again.

      I will keep my meetings rare and out of town. Fuck finding a home meeting. Too much risk.

  2. I have often asked myself why I wasn’t embarrassed for so many people I respected to know me as a drunk, but the thought of them knowing I go to AA makes me cringe.

    Maybe the guy wanted to say something to you at the meeting but didn’t get the opportunity. I’m just saying messaging someone is far from stalking.

  3. Big hug. That does sound a bit weird.

    Finding a group you like is a helpful thing. It becomes a safe place,mor at least a familiar one. It sounds like you could use some comfort.

    Depression sucks. I hope you can find some relief there.

  4. Really sorry to hear that you’re feeling down and particularly that wanting to be in a relationship isn’t making progress. When I realised that was what I wanted some years ago, which was before the internet, I decided that the only way I would find the right people was to stop looking in the wrong places – sounds obvious, but it obviously hadn’t been to me at the time. I was 37. So I made it part of a pledge to myself: find more interesting work; move to a more interesting place to live; if I couldn’t find a life partner, at least widen my circle of friends. I did a lot of work on all three straight away, walking around the area I thought would be perfect for me until I found the perfect place (I’m still here, 22 years later), got a promotion at work by applying for it, and then went out of my way to widen my circle of friends. All of it happened within six months and I’d have been happy with any one of them, including meeting the person I’ve been with ever since. Seriously, if you haven’t found your life partner already by doing what you’ve been doing, it might be worth considering examining how you could change something relatively straightforward like being around people who could open up a new area of interest for you. I don’t mean that geographically, I mean mentally and emotionally. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are, this would actually be very straightforward in comparison. I think online dating websites can be okay, but they’re no substitute for widening a circle of friends because most of us meet our partners through work or through friends. Sorry this is so long, but you sound so down – feel free to edit it or don’t put it on your blog, I won’t mind. *huglets*

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