Yesterday after being upset about a hopeful relationship ending before it even began, I read a great chapter in my book One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin. The chapter is about step seven but he brings up relationships failing in sobriety. He was given a tape of a psychotherapist Terry Gorsky, whom I googled and found his name is actually spelt Gorski. I then ordered a book by Mr Gorski which should arrive in a few days.
The advice my book gives from Mr Gorski is that “the place to start building a good relationship was the beginning. Specifically, he suggested no sex for the initial stages.”
See, I have been happy that I have been able to date sober. And I have been wondering what it would be like to finally have satifying, sober sex. I think I have been focusing on that achievement more than actually wanting a relationship. I mean, I do want a real relationship. I want to find someone to make me laugh and happy. I want someone that will accentuate me. But I think I have been concentrating more on the physical attraction with these men. I was not establishing the foundation of a long term relationship; I was fixating on wanting someone that turned me on instantly.
The guy who told me “it would not work” between us was very sexy. I am sure I would have had sex with him if we had another date because I told myself I deserved it. I thought a year of sobriety would make finding love easier. I thought if I had sex sober, I would not regret it like I regretted most of my blacked-out encounters . I blamed my alcoholism for all my relationship problems. But rushing into relationships was another fault I had. I did not know how to take things slow. I did not know how to wait. I did not have patience.
Another suggestion Gorsk[i] made was to avoid people who triggered intense sexual longing because such partners wound up setting off an addictive pattern of craving, bingeing, and eventual revulsion. Instead, he suggested that you date people who you liked to spend time with on a friendly basis…
Reading this helped me a lot yesterday! I was telling myself I did not want to follow those dating “rules” that everyone has been suggesting: make a man wait for sex. I thought those rules sounded like games. Why would I make him wait if I wanted sex?
Reading this section made me wonder if that was why all my relationships have failed? (Well, that and the drinking!) I slept with all my boyfriends and girlfriends almost right after meeting them. And when the sexual excitement fizzled, I got bored. I filled that boredom with drinking and cheating. And lying. But lying usually follows the cycle of drinking.
So no sex. No sober sex. No drunk sex. I wonder what Gorski says about self-sex?
I am sure I will blog about what I read in his book when it arrives. And I will keep my blogged updated how this sober, chaste dating thing goes.