I have been unpacking more things today. Found a lot of mementos from my travels. Found a lot of notes about good wines I tried and wine tour tickets. Found a stack of coasters I took from bars around the world. Found menus from places I drank at or were from anniversary dinners with my ex-boyfriend.

I found the beer labels I used to collect from everywhere. I always said I wanted to use them to decorate a chair or table. But I am not sure now. Just looking at some made me think “that sounds like a good beer. I wonder what it tasted like?” I am worried using it to decorate something in my house would be a risky temptation.

I also found an old travel journal. I was happily surprised. I forgot about this one and it wasn’t in the box of other journals I found last winter. A lot of it is about the beginning of a relationship. But like most of my journals, a lot of it says I need to quit drinking. Or at least quit drinking beer. One page, I am complaining about drinking too much beer but then complaining on the next page I was having problems booking a winery tour. I am gonna read through this tonight. I think it will be better than renting a movie.

Here is an excerpt from April 2009 that shows my doubt of the relationship, myself,  and my drinking:

I am worried about things going wrong between Mr Thing and I. I am worried my drinking might screw it up. He already joked that I am an alcoholic because I wanted beers to watch movies our last nighy. I worry I will turn into a bitch at some point. I worry he is too innocent for me. He is so sweet and gives me the attention I need. I don’t know what he sees in me. I weigh 185 pounds. I’m fat and out of shape. I haven’t lost any weight. I really need to start doing sit ups daily and stop eating bread. Is this just a holiday fling? A passing infatuation? … Maybe he is just lonely.”

That relationship lasted a other 20 months but it was burdened by my drinking and because I never understood what he saw in me. It made me jealous of everyone. It did turn me into a bitch.

I hope I have better luck with future relationaships. I feel as long as I stay sober, I have more chance. I know it will not guarantee a perfect relationship, but it will help improve my self-esteem and dignity.