Hurts to Watch Some Friends Drink

I am on a road trip with a moving truck and a friend. He has two DUIs but does not think he has a drinking problem. He said he doesn’t know how to have fun unless he drinks or smokes pot. He doesn’t think he can be horny without alcohol. He was drunk before the roadtrip started at noon. But I need him to help me move my furniture and direct me in the truck.

I had him watch the movie Smashed with me. I was hoping to use it to maybe make him think about his drinking. Instead, he is pointing out his female friends that are like the main character, Kate. I guess he wouldn’t see himself in the character unless it was a male.

In one scene, after getting sober, Kate asks her husband not to drink one weekend. My friend commented negatively “so now she is starting on him.” I said I now would prefer to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t drink. His response: “So you can both be boring?”

I said no, I am not boring. Then I just went quiet to watch the movie. But hours later, I am still upset by that comment. He would not be on this “roadtrip” if I was not paying for it. I only invited him for the man power. (He came in handy with a tire blew out.) But he would have his own money for traveling if his 2nd DUI did not get him fired. He refuses to admit all the problems alcohol and drugs have created in his life. But I am boring because I do not want to risk those problems anymore. I would rather be seen as boring than in jail or dead.

I can not force this guy to get sober. But I will start refusing to go to bars with him. We went to one the other night to spend time together but he seemed to be more interested in being a social butterfly. And we could barely hear each other talk. My throat hurt after being there an hour from speaking loud. I kept think that this place was no fun. And if you have to get intoxicated to have fun, I think that says more about the surroundings than me.

He is not completely unsupportive. He came with me to a meeting once to collect a token. But he still doesn’t think I need to abstain forever. He keeps thinking I just need to take a break and then I will return to the “fun” party girl I used to be. But all my mistakes and regrets make me realize it was not all fun. And too many scary times towards the end.

…..The roadtrip has now ended and he flew back home. I think we argued about 50% of the trip. I also realized being around him is depressing. On our last fight, I told him he makes me want to increase my Prozac dose. He told me I am too sensitive. I told him that is a side effect from several suicide attempts.

He cracks jokes a lot and make demeaning comments towards me. I asked what he thought of one of my friends and he said he thinks she is too big. She is an American size 6! I got defensive and said if he thinks she is big, than I must be huge. He said “no, you are fine” but than continues to badmouth “fatties” and anyone who isn’t bone-thin. I finally spent most of the time just going quiet because I knew arguing was not gonna have a winner. But he would keep talking. And talking. It was like he liked hearing his opinion out loud. There were so many times on the 4 days trip I had to yell “JUST STOP TALKING PLEASE!” Sometimes I had to repeat that.

One of our debates was that repeated DUI offenders should not have severe punishments unless they kill or injure someone. This started due to a story of a guy in Texas getting 20 years in prison for his 3rd DUI. Maybe 20 years is too much when the guy should went to rehab. But I think just taking away his driver license is not going to solve this guy’s problem. He obviously HAS a problem if he did not learn lesson after 2 DUIs. And my friend still drives illegally after his 2 DUIs. He is more worried about getting a 3rd DUI that giving up drinking. I just wish society realized that advertising and hiding behind “freedom of speech” helps contribute to all the negative effects alcohol has on our world.

I told him that our friendship is like an abusive relationship. Instead of punching me, he hits me with insults. Then he says “sorry, I was only kidding” much like a man might say after smacking me. Then he might start to try to fix the injuries with “but I think you are great person”and try to polish it all with compliments. But the sting from the insults is still there. Then he calls me “too sensitive” and blames me for not being able to take his insults. He says he insults himself too so therefore it is okay insult everyone else. I told him he needs to get his insecurities inspected.

It is depressing to think of letting this friendship go after 14 years. But it is more depressing to think of letting this guy continue to put me down and bring me down. No matter how much he is “joking.” I am not taking my sobriety as a joke.

silence

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Hurts to Watch Some Friends Drink

  1. I think you see the writing on the wall. I know guys sometimes banter with each other, but this sounds like a bit much. You can’t change him, so it might be best to let some time pass before getting together with him again.

    It sounds like you know what you need. Which is great.

    I’ve found a few of my old drinking buddies are just so clearly unhappy I can’t stand being around them. They do not see the danger or scale of their drinking and are very defensive of it. I have just had to let some of them go.

    Take care.
    Anne

  2. It’s hard to watch friends damaging themselves and not try to help them, but when you made your decision to stop drinking, was it because anyone nagged you, or because you were ready? I didn’t consider anyone who said more than one sentence to me about the damage I was doing to myself was a true friend. I resented it deeply and I felt alienated from them, not grateful for their concern.

  3. My best friend was like this. I didn’t recognize it until I got away from the relationship for a while. As soon as my head cleared, I realized how abusive she was to me and everyone else she felt like putting down (“fatties” as well). I ran into her recently and even after a year of not talking she posted some crappy thing on facebook about how staying in my house in the cold weather was “A cop-out on life.” —-OR maybe it is because it is freaking freezing, and I am not drunk?
    Let this guy go…it’s the best thing

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