Ego

I am better than you.
I might not have what you have, but I am a better person.
I might not be as pretty or thin or rich, but my heart is better.
I might not be as happy as you, but I am more important.

These are some thoughts I seem to have at times to make myself feel better. I look at happy couples and tell myself I am better because their happiness will not last. I tell myself I am better off alone than settling. I do not even know these people but I convince myself that I am better. I will try to mask my jealousy by mentally degrading others.

I have traveled.
I have done volunteer work.
And now… I am sober. I do not poison my body with alcohol like you do. I do not drink that venomous juice which you THINK brings you happiness. I have REAL happiness because my mind is clearer.

How does someone with such low self-esteem develop such an ego? Is it a real ego or am I trying to believe I am better to cope with my feelings of inadequacy?  of course I do not think or react like this towards everyone. Only when I feel threatened.

This is another characteristic flaw I need to overcome. It stems from anger. Anger at myself.  Anger at my life.  Anger at my past. And it is because of fear that I really am worthless. I judge them to hide how harshly I judge myself.

Buddha describes anger this way: It is like you pick up a hot coal to throw at your enemy. The hot coal is your anger.  You are gonna be more hurt by the coal than your enemy. We need to feel the suffering the anger causes and then drop it. Let it go.

I need to learn to let go of my anger, fear, jealousy,  and judgements. I need to focus on compassion and that includes compassion for my past and problems. I need to stop desiring so much. Desiring a relationship and acceptance has cause me so much suffering.

I really need to start meditating.

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6 thoughts on “Ego

  1. Hey there. I think Buddhism has a lot of good life lessons, and good lessons for addiction. Learning to not be so attached to our cravings. Thanks for sharing. Your honesty is admirable.

  2. Hi there
    I’ve read a little of your blog.
    Have you tried medication for depression? I tried the natural remedies, but in the end I finally tried a real medication. It was the smartest thing I have ever done. Depression is brutal.
    Anne

    • Actually yes, I picked up some Prozac in Mexico. I haven’t had the time to start seeing a therapist to prescribe it and not sure how long I will be living here so sort of want to wait until I am settled in an area before starting a therapeutic relationship. I was on Prozac years ago but I stopped because it interfered with my drinking and sex life. Don’t do either now.

      • That’s good. It’s hard for me to unwind or understand my own depression/alcohol connection. But I found that being sober alone didn’t solve the depression. And being depressed was horrible without booze to dull it.
        Medication has definitely been a step in the right direction.

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