Yesterday was the hardest day to stay sober in awhile. So many times, I really want a glass of wine. And I started trying to bargain with myself as to why I should have a drink. I can not remember the lies I told myself now but I am so glad I did not fall for any of them.
Robin Williams’ death was in my mind most of the day. Crazy how I could be so affected by someone I do not personally know. Damn him. Did he realize how this might effect thousands of people in recovery?
I know. That is a selfish question.
I kept rehashing my own suicide attempts. How I changed my mind. How I failed. Then there was that one time in Vegas when I called the suicide hotline. I don’t think I was really contemplating suicide at that moment. I think I just needed to talk to someone. Oh and I was drunk. But I wasn’t always drunk when thinking about or planning suicide.
I made a post of Facebook that I consider as my “Honesty post”. I basically said how much it hurts when people do not support my sobriety, how I feel like a freak when they criticize it, and how people need to stop stigmatizing depression and alcoholism to prevent more suicides. I admitted that I had suicidal thoughts just a few days ago. I shared that I was fine now but by being ashamed to talk about it, I am continuing the stigma of depression. I also said I need to step away from Facebook and not log on for the rest of my trip.
When I returned to my hotel and WIFI last night, I had an email. It was from the aquaintances who told me my post about sobriety made her decide to try quitting. She made it 70-some days before relapsing. She wanted to thank me for my Honesty post. She has been going through some tough times and has been frustrated at people’s lack of understanding. She said I am one of the few she can talk about her drinking problem. Since I have not logged into Facebook since making that status, I do not know what the reaction has been. But her email made me glad I wrote it. I do not even know her well. I told her I will call when I get back to the states.
Another day I am proud I did not break down and drink.
Mistake 204- I had a friend staying at my place for the weekend with her boyfriend. I was new in town so did not know bars or people yet. We went out Friday night to meet a guy she knew that lived nearby. But I did not really like this guy nor the bar he had us meet him. My friend was drinking Red Bull and Vodka and was drunk early. I did not even drink much because I felt I had to help her boyfriend babysit her. I was slightly upset. They wanted to go back there Saturday night but I declined.
Instead for Saturday, I found out a friend from another city had a friend visiting. I invited this woman to come out. Then another friend had a friend posting a get-together at a few bars. I thought this sounded like a perfect way to meet new people and new places. Since the girl visiting offered to drive, I got trashed. I wanted to make up for remaining sober the previous night.
The guy organizing the get-together knew me. We met at a festival. I was too drunk when we met to remember him. But somehow, we were making out by the end of the night. I remember kissing on the side of the road as he walked me to the car. The woman I was with was irritated I kept her waiting. (My friend staying with me had her own drunk night with her boyfriend. Thankfully they had a spare key.)
Mistake 124- The next day, the guy I made out with invited me out for brunch. He brought a friend and I invited the woman I went met the night before. (I tried to invite my friend and her boyfriend but they were hungover.) I was nervous to see this guy again so I started drinking as soon as possible. I had these drinks with orange juice and I think vodka and something that made them taste like creamcicles. It was very good and I had 3. But they were also strong. I drove to brunch that morning. I acted obnoxious to try to hide my embarrassment. I think that made the guy regret making out with me. Then I discovered he was 12 years younger than me. I think that made both us of uncomfortable.
I had to walk around that neighborhood a bit after brunch to try to sober up. New in town and already taking the risk of drinking and driving.
2 thoughts on “Depressed but Dry”
I felt the same exact way when I heard of Robin’s suicide. I felt so depressed, it triggered my suicidal thoughts, and even made me want to drink again, after I just hit my 90 day milestone. I think the situation was a huge trigger for a lot of us in recovery because he seemed to have so many advantages over us (money, adoration, career, etc), but it made a hero, an almost Father figure, finally appear human. I know that scared me a lot. Hang in there and know that you are not alone!
Thanks. I do realize (after reading my journal and this blog) that I have been feeling down the past week. I think his suicide was a huge blow at a already low time. But I guess having looked up to him as a positive example of those in recovery made it even harder on us fighting this disease.