Real Me

I was telling a friend how some friends have not been supportive. Some friends seem to avoid me now that I quit drinking. He said maybe they just miss the old me. They had fun partying with me. I was a fun person and that should be seen a good thing. His excuses were pissing me off.

So I am not fun now? Just because I am not falling over drunk, not remembering the night, or waking up with a stranger in my bed, that means I am not fun? I feel that they miss me being the entertainment.  The jackass. The drunk fool. They don’t miss the “real” me. The real me would get suicidal from being so depressed from drunk mishaps. The regret I would feel the next day made me hate who I was and wish for death!  That is what they miss?

But of course, they didn’t know about that side of me. Not many know about my many suicide attempts. Nor all the times I drove drunk. Some know I have 2 DUIs and they share with me their DUI stories or drunk-driving-but-not-caught stories. I put on a great show of being happy most of the time. If I got drunk and depressed, they just ignored it and figured I would be okay once I sobered up.

Yes. I am finally okay. But it is not from sobering after after a night of drinking. It is six months of sobriety after twenty years of drinking.

Now I have to figure how to get people to know the real me. I have to get them to understand how sobriety is the best thing that has happened to me. I want them to see the benefits without shoving it down their throats. The real me is actually pretty awesome.

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Mistake 179- I drove to a club for a costume party.  It was a 45 minute drive. I got super drunk. I was not planning the night out well. I had no backup plan for getting home. Maybe I thought I would sleep in the car before driving (in a sketchy neighborhood.) It was a few months before my second DUI.

I met a guy. I don’t know how or anything about the meeting. But somehow I took him home. He drove my car and his friend followed in his. I woke up with this guy in my bed and his friend on the couch. He even asked how was I planning to get home with as trashed as I was and I told him I did not know.

I had a second date with that guy another time. I got trashed on that date. He asked if I was an alcoholic. I said “no, I just like to have fun.” We never had another date.

Maybe if I did not meet him in that club and have him drive me home, I would have gotten my second DUI sooner. Or might have been dead.

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3 thoughts on “Real Me

  1. It’s wonderful that you can see that a) Sobriety is the best thing that’s ever happened to you and b) That the real you is pretty awesome. If you needed any more proof of A then B is it, right?

    I completely relate re the friends. Fortunately most of my friends have been pretty cool but there have been a few noteable exceptions and those people I have drifted away from. I also feel like I get less social invitations than I used to – I guess because before so much of my socialising revolved around drinking people would regularly invite me out for ‘a few drinks’ but now they know I’m not drinking they don’t, even if they still see me otherwise.

    It has struck me that even if I were to go back to regular drinking again I wouldn’t want to spend as much time with the people that have not wanted to hang out with me now I”m sober or who have been unsupportive because they’ve proven they’re not real friends, more drinking buddies. Sometimes the fact that my social life seem quieter, more boring, bums me out. Other times I think it’s about quality over (superficial) quantity.

    Remember too that it’s NOT about you. Firstly, as you said, they don’t really know how your drinking felt to you (no excuse for being unsupportive though) but also, in my experience it’s always the people who have issues themselves who are the worst – you’re an uncomfortable mirror. It’s about them and it’s selfish. Just focus on you and those who love YOU enough to be kind about your quitting.

    You are doing so great. You are inspiring.

    Lilly x

    • Thanks. I am actually glad that sobriety is helping me figure out who were real friends. Another part of my depression was always fear of not being liked. I felt I always had to impress people and if they weren’t impressed, it was my fault. I was a horrible person if I couldn’t get everyone I met to like me. Now I realize even if I got them to like me, or like drunk me, it wasn’t a happy me.

      I read a book last fall about trying to find love (forget the name right now) but the best part I took from it is there are thousands of people that will not like us but we have to focus on the hundred that do.

  2. When I was in the depths of drinking I didn’t want to spend time with sober people not because I didn’t think they were fun, but because I was so insecure about my own alcoholism I didn’t want anyone to have an idea that I might have a problem. Someone who had a drinking problem but got sober were such a threat….they might see me as I really am…

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