done (for now)

I finally finished my class. It is the first time I have taken a college class since 2002. And back then, I remember feeling so relieved and so excited to celebrate. Of course, that meant getting drunk!

I seriously kept wanting a beer the last few days. I kept thinking I wanted a nice cold, bottle of brew in my hand. Doesn’t have to be a good brand. Doesn’t have to be an IPA. I would even settle for crappy Coors Light. A nice first sip followed with an “ahhhhh” sound. I only wanted one. Just one beer to celebrate when I finally accomplished all the papers and projects I had to finish. I deserved one. I have been sober for 162 days and I busted my butt reading and researching for this class. All on top of working a full time job! Plus, I managed to go on a few, little get-aways the past few weeks.

Okay, so the roadtrips were not the most responsible decision while taking a class. I guess I thought since it was online, traveling during the sememster would not be an issue. If I did not go away last week and worked on these projects instead, I would not be so stressed and tired right now. If I was not so stressed and tired, maybe I would not be envisoning a beer as my prize.

But still, I wanted to party! I wanted to go sit in a bar and announce I completed my class. I felt so proud. I felt my goal of going back for my degree was actually in process. It felt so real. I am once again a college student. I don’t think this really sunk in back when I registered nor when I started. Maybe the stress of the past week was the wake-up call. I can do this. I just need better organization. And I definitely do NOT need to drink.

I still want to.

I won’t. I actually have plans to celebrate tomorrow with a massage and facial. Maybe find a yoga class. Maybe treat myself to some coconut water.

I know that “one beer” would tempt me into a 6-pack. Then a case. Then I would think “already broke the sobriety thing. Better make this relapse worth it. GET DRUNK!” No matter what the outcome of the night (one drink, 10 drinks), I will wake up feeling guilty. I will hate myself. It would be like I moved 162 days foward and 1062 backwards.

Even if I wasn’t an alcoholic, what would I accomplish going to a bar alone to drink to celebrate? Maybe meet someone? But I am only in this area another month. That would be a waste. Maybe get a giddy, tipsy feeling? Ok that would be nice but I can watch a nice movie instead. (Finally have free time for such things!) Maybe spend a lot of money? I almost have my credit card balanace at zero. I don’t need to waste money on booze.

Once I get my grade, and another layer of stress is lifted, I think I will give some credit to being sober. (I am sure I will get an A or B.) This is just the beginning of a lot more classes and accomplishments.

I have a weeks worth of blogs to catch up on and add mistakes. My class has inspired a lot of thoughts about comparing alcoholis and AA to religion. I am not stressing about it right now.

 

Mistake 162- When I graduated school in 2002, I had a graduation party. I got very drunk. Then during the party, I decided to call my ex-husband. We had some legal arrangements of which to take care. His new girlfriend answered the phone. She would not allow me to speak to him. I could have just hung up the phone and tried again another time. But since I was drunk, it turned into a screaming match. She kept accusing me of wanting him back and I kept yelling insults at both of them. I said a lot of horrible things. Years later, I found out he was sitting on the couch next to her during the whole conversation. We never settled the legal matters for which I was calling. It ruined his credit. The whole situation could have been dealt better if I did not drunk-dial.

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