Festival day three

Things are going well. I hung out with my friends. I walked around checking out art. I napped. I went to bed early last night so I am up early on Sunday. I am going to see and participate more today. I will break down my camp this afternoon to leave early in the morning.

I do keep seeing one guy that I know from my past. I want to talk to him and apologize, but when I saw him at another festival last year, he told my friend “we are no longer on speaking terms.” So I have not approached him. I keep hoping he will say hi to me so I can tell him I quit drinking and that he was right. I am an alcoholic.

Mistake 124- W and I met at a festival in 2010. We instantly got a long. We had things in common. We discussed music and diving and festivals. He was beautiful. One afternoon (while I was drunk), he told me I was the most amazing women he ever met there and asked for permission to kiss me.

We spent the rest of the festival together. People asked how long we were together and we would laugh. “We just met this week.” My friends all commented that I looked so happy.

Then W and I both confessed to each other: we were both in relationships. He had a girlfriend he was living with for 5 or 6 years. I was with my boyfriend for a year but I felt that was rocky. I did not foresee a future with my boyfriend so was not sure what was the point of staying together. But W and I agreed that this relationship of ours would not last past the festival.

But we stayed in touch. We would email each other artistic ideas. We talked about projects we would love to create for festivals. We were both frustrated with our camps and talked about maybe finding another camp together. I loved the way he composed his words in his emails.

A few months later, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was due to the long distance. I think he was also jealous because I found new friends that were into the festivals. He did not care for the festival life I enjoyed and said he would never fit in with my life and friends if he were to move near me.

I told W in an email that I was now single. He, who lived on the other side of the country, decided to come visit. He also had a cousin he would visit. He was staying with his cousin and family. We planned two nights he would stay with me.

The first night I was to see him was Friday. I told him about an event at a club downtown. We could meet there and back to my place afterwards. I was nervous. This was the real world we were meeting in. And I never asked him about his girlfriend That was a subject we just didn’t discuss. I was drunk by the time I got a taxi downtown.

My friend C was meeting me before going in the club. But the bouncer would not let me in because I was drunk. She took me to a cafe around the corner to sober me up. We ate snacks and drank water. I told her the story of me and W. He was waiting in the club for me. I was finally presentable enough to get in the club. And I started drinking again as soon as I got in.

I don’t remember much except being nervous around him. And turns out at one point, he grabbed C and asked her if I was an alcoholic. I only knew her a few months at this time and we only hung out twice. She told him no, she doesn’t think so. (I was with her my last drink. Three years later, she still doesn’t think I have a drinking problem.)

C gave me a ride home that night. I cried a lot about screwing things up. She told me I didn’t screw things up. She told him I had a tough day at work (which I did.) Call him the next day to apologize. So after sleeping off a hangover, I called him. He accepted my apology and we decided I would pick him up for another party that night. (If I drive, I won’t get drunk! That plan usually works.)

That night everything was great. I drank very little. We danced a lot. I met his cousin. It was a wonderful night. It felt we had some of the festival magic again. He came back and stayed with me that night. We had amazing sex.

In the morning, I asked the question. What was his relationship status? He told me it was the same. He was still with his girlfriend. Everything was great between them. If I was going to have a problem with that, we would have to end things. I did not know how to react. I kept thinking if everything was so great, why did he fly 3000 miles to see me?

We talked about getting together the next night. He still had a few more days in town. But the rest of his stay, he blew me off. He said there was family drama he had to attend to. I kept thinking it was because I asked about his girlfriend. I flipped from regretting asking about her to being angry. Does she know? Does she suspect and ignore it? Does he have girls from festivals in many cities?

On his last night, after he made another excuse not to see me, I got drunk. I chatted on instant messenger with a friend about the situation. I told my friend my feelings and what I wanted to say. He told me to write an email while drunk but not to send it until I am sober. See if I still feel the same. Instead, I wrote a nasty letter while drunk and sent it. I told him how I felt sorry for his girlfriend and he was untrustworthy. I must have said a lot of mean things in that drunk email. I did not hear from him again until that festival last year where he said “we are no longer on speaking terms.”

And now he is at this festival. He is with a woman that I don’t think is the girlfriend he had before. (I saw her in photos from his diving trips.) I don’t know if they ended or this is just another festival girl. I want to say hi but I keep hoping he says it first. I want to shout “this is ice tea! Not beer in my cup!” I guess I want his congratulations. I want him to accept my apology for that drunk Friday night. I want to apologize for whatever I said in that email. I want to make amends.

Not sure if I really just wish he was alone.

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