4 months sober. 120 days. I did not treat myself this milestone. No cake. No flowers. No time for a facial or pedicure. It feels blah. Not bad. I actually feel good and happy for the most part. Just not as exciting as reaching 30, 60 and 90 days. 6 months sobriety still feels so far. Maybe I need to get to a meeting?
I started to write this blog while at work. I started a blog about my housing situation but then deleted it. I thought I did not want a blog about bitching. But my mood after work changed.
This morning, after working a night shift, I decided to drive 2 hours to REI to buy new shoes. That was not the smartest idea. I was tired and so cranky by the time I got to the store. I started to get depressed and over think on the drive. I started to picture getting in an accident and my mom’s reaction. Then thinking that my mom would be the only person in this world that cared if I died got me crying. I was driving down the highway, bawling, fantasizing about my own death.
After I bought my shoes, I took a nap in the car. I slept on and off almost 5 hours. But my car is packed for a festival this weekend. So I could not lay my seat down much and I could not sleep comfortable. I was still cranky when I woke up. I went and ate fast food. I ordered a Diet Coke and bitched to myself out loud “at least it isn’t a fucking beer.” I drove an hour towards my mom’s. Again, I got very sleepy. Pulled over in another parking lot and napped for two hours.
Maybe I got in a better position or maybe since it was darker due to rain clouds, but I slept better for those two hours. I woke up feeling such a better mood. I got to my mom’s house (knowing she was away). I unpacked a few things and went to bed.
I think tiredness is one of my worst enemies.
Mistake 120- I had a friend visit and stay with me for the weekend. We started out as cyber friends and he lives an hour away. This was maybe his 3rd or 4th visit and I visited him once. He was a flamboyant gay guy and liked to party.
I have no idea what happened that night but we got in a fight. And it was an ugly fight. He accused me of attacking him. He had scratches to prove it. But I do not remember it. He even tried to call his roommate to come get him but I unplugged the phones. I do not remember if he left during the night or the next morning. I remember I tried to take sleeping pills that night because I got so upset. But they were not enough because I eventually woke up.
He and I never spoke again but he went telling our community of cyber friends that I was crazy.